Fourteen - Vivaan

A/N: First, apologies are in order for being away for so long. I was having a tough time managing the sudden work and then I fell sick. If that was not enough, I also got a writer's block in between, leading to this delay. But not anymore. Here's a fresh update to make up for the long absence. Hope you guys enjoy it!

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"I hate my life!" Vivaan groaned, looking at the email.

His shift timings had been changed to accommodate the surgery schedules which he was increasingly required to attend. Which meant that he wouldn't be free on Sunday night.

How do people manage career and personal lives? He wondered. Then he realized that a significant number of divorces and break ups happened because people couldn't manage their career and personal lives.

It was not just him. Vivaan felt that Payal had the same problem. Their daily calls had grown increasingly short with his schedule changing and her workload increasing and date nights were impossible at the moment. To top all this off, their engagement meant a deeper relationship between the families too. Vivaan was happy that his family was willing to mix in form a good relationship with his in-laws. But between their work, Payal's mother's illness and the dual responsibilities toward both families, they could barely spare time for each other. And though he understood that this was beyond their control, Vivaan couldn't shake the feeling that Payal didn't seem to be that bothered about their lack of spending time.

She always seemed distracted. And when they talked, she did little to contribute to the conversation from her end. If Vivaan knew stuff, it was only because he asked related questions, and she didn't even do that. It felt as though she was not as involved in their relationship as he was. Such as the previous week when she was stuck with some work, and didn't pick up the call or respond to his messages for an entire day and a half. Doesn't she miss me? Doesn't she feel the need to share things with me like I do with her? Vivaan knew this was not true, but these thoughts continued to poke him now and then.

Adi had suggested that he talk it out with her.

"When exactly do I talk to her? She's rarely free nowadays." He told his best friend.

"I know. But it's not like you are sitting around waiting for her, you are just as busy. She's not doing it intentionally. You have to talk to her to understand why it's happening." Adi said. "You always say transparency is a must between two partners. So then, talk to her. Tell her that it bothers you that there is no middle ground and that you both are not able to take time out for each other. Maybe, then she might realize what's happening and figure out a solution from her end." He explained calmly.

"I don't want to sound like the kind of the guy that is holding her back. That's not what this is." Vivaan voiced his fear at last.

"I know." Adi said. "And trust me, so will Payal. Ask her out to dinner and tell her how you feel. Valentines' Day is round the corner, make the best of it." He had suggested.

And so, Vivaan had made plans for a Valentines' Day dinner, only for his ever-changing schedule to wreak them too. Sighing, he stared at his phone's lock screen picture – Payal and his picture on the day of their engagement – as he wondered what to do next. Payal wouldn't mind, he knew that. The problem wasn't how to cancel without making her upset; the problem was that she'd be completely fine with them being cancelled. She never threw any tantrums, never argued despite how little time they spent together. Unlike me. Who is in the right here? Am I being too needy? Or is Payal being too uncaring?

His pager rang, distracting him from his predicament. Sighing, he quickly messaged Payal that their plans for Sunday night would have to be rescheduled. And I will have to look for another way to tell you what I've been feeling. He thought as he grabbed his essentials before heading out to report to his senior.

***

"I don't know." Payal frowned. "Something about it all seems off."

It was Saturday night, and Vivaan was on video call with Payal.

"What is it that is making you feel that way?" he asked her. Over the past two months, Payal's workload had increased, in addition to her duties at home. Her mother's recent diagnosis had also affected her more than she on. He could see the toll all of this was taking on her. The dark circles were more prominent on her face and she seemed paler than before.

"So, we did a background check like we do for cases of cease and desist. And turns out this guy was aware that his mark might possibly cause an infringement of someone else's trademark. He still went ahead with the registration. Why would someone voluntarily take such a risk?" Payal seemed to be talking to herself more than with him. "Sherman hasn't helped with his behavior either. He didn't tell us that he was related to this guy – he is Sherman's cousin sister's husband. He's taking the issue personally and with a lot of pressure. I also think he's hiding something from Rohan and me, and that is never a good idea."

Vivaan frowned too. Something did seem off about it all.

"Did you discuss this with Sherman?" he asked.

"Not yet. We plan to talk to him about it on Monday." Payal answered, still frowning.

"Payal" Vivaan started, a bit hesitantly. She looked up at him, concern plain on her face.

"Hmm?" she asked.

Vivaan thought about it, then changed tack. "Have you been taking care of yourself?" he asked. "You seem paler than before."

She smiled. "Of course, I'm taking care. Don't worry." She said.

"I'm sorry about tomorrow night being cancelled." Vivaan apologized again. "I didn't know they'll flip the shift schedule."

"It's alright. We'll work something out later." Payal said. Her smile was totally genuine and her eyes filled with understanding. Even if she felt bad about it, she wasn't showing it. That was exactly what bothered Vivaan. She was too understanding.

"Listen, I have to go check on Ma's medicines. I'll message you later, okay?" Payal said after a moment, when Vivaan didn't respond.

"Yeah. Sure." Vivaan said, disconnecting the call. He sighed before turning back to his research paper, trying to tamp down on his disquiet.

He didn't quite remember when he fell asleep, but the next thing he knew was Adi shaking him awake. "Wake up! It's about time!"

Vivaan fumbled around until he found his phone and checked the time. "It's only 11 yet. I don't have work until later this evening. Let me sleep, Adi." Vivaan protested, going back to sleep, only to be poked in the arm by his best friend.

"No can do. You are not sleeping out your free time." Adi said, poking his arm until Vivaan groaned and sat up. "Good boy. Now, off to the shower! And pick some presentable clothes." He ordered.

"What are you trying to do?" Vivaan asked him suspiciously. "What's going on in your mind?"

"Nothing, except that you're a sorry sight." Adi responded, clearing a space the small study desk and then sitting on it. "I'm sitting here until you're decent. Go."

Knowing how stubborn Adi could get, Vivaan forced himself to go get ready. He could grill Adi later. "This isn't over." He told him in as threatening a tone as he could muster. Adi just gestured him to go on and get over with it.

When Vivaan returned to his room, he saw it was empty but neater than before, the blanket folded neatly on the edge of his bed. His books and stuff arranged on his desk. At the center of the room stood another table, with two plates, cutlery, and glasses on either side. In the middle, between the plates, there was a long thin vase with a single red rose in it. A note was attached to the rose stem. Vivaan carefully held it so he could read it.

Will you be my valentine?

Just then, a pair of hands covered his eyes from behind. A familiar lavender fragrance invaded his senses and he smiled, knowing who it was.

"Payal?" he asked, turning around while holding her hands in his. She stood before him, smiling, in a pale blue kurti and white leggings. Her hair was left open and she only wore a pair of earrings in addition to the usual gold chain around her neck and the watch on her left hand.

"Happy Valentine's Day" she wished him, her voice soft.

"Happy Valentine's Day." He wished her in return, hugging her tight. "This is the best surprise I could have had."

Payal pulled back, her smile reaching her eyes. "I know. I'm just amazing that way." She joked.

"How did you get here?" Vivaan asked her, belatedly realizing that she couldn't get in the residency wing without another doctor.

"Adi helped me." Payal said. "That day, when you messaged me for cancelling the plans, I called Adi to help me plan this surprise. He was in charge of getting you ready without arousing any suspicion."

Vivaan remembered Adi's weird orders when he woke him up and sent him to get ready. He laughed. "Oh, he did arouse suspicion, but he's so stubborn that he wouldn't answer any of my questions."

Payal laughed at that. "I think he overdid the acting. But it served the purpose well." She said.

They sat down to eat and Vivaan learnt yet another fact about her – she was an excellent cook. As he admired her cooking while they ate, she told him how she readied everything. She had gotten up early, prepared the dishes and packed them; then arranged everything with Adi after reaching the hospital (Vivaan took a mental note to find his crazy best friend and give him a hug later). She had also tidied his things.

"I hope I did not disturb some 'order within the chaos' situation." She joked. "Some people have that tendency."

Vivaan laughed. "Nothing of that sort. It was a just a little messy because I wasn't around to clean up in the last couple of days." He explained.

She smiled. "That is good. I'm really happy I could manage this, you know. I didn't want to let the day go by without doing something special."

"Does Valentines Day really mean so much to you?" Vivaan asked.

"No." Payal answered, surprising him. If it doesn't mean anything, why would she go through all the effort?

"I never really cared about special days like Valentines Day. You don't need a special day to celebrate love when you can celebrate it every day." She elaborated, making Vivaan's heart give a lurch by her casual use of the word 'love.' "But this day seemed special to you. You wanted to do something. And so, because it means something to you, it means something to me."

Vivaan's heartrate  now running a thousand miles an hour. He shook his head. "Come here." He said, taking her hands and making her sit beside him on the bed. He put his arm around her to hold her close and she complied, raising her legs on the bed and leaning in to rest her head on his chest. Vivaan all but sighed with contentment as he held her. Suddenly, all his negative thoughts took a backseat. With just a single gesture, Payal had somehow soothed both his heart and mind.

After a moment, she moved, as if to get up. But Vivaan just held her close. "Stay like this, for just a moment. It seems so long since we've just sat together." Vivaan said, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear when she looked up at him. She nodded, sighing in deep, catching his hand and focusing on their entwined fingers as she spoke.

"I've grown up in a very sheltered environment. At school, we had the uniform and at tuition classes and such, I always wore jeans and a t-shirt, just like the other girls around me." She started – on what, Vivaan was not sure. "Short dresses, sleeveless tops, even shorts – I didn't see a lot of girls wearing them, nor was I well versed in fashion until I started college. My parents never discouraged me from trying something new; nor is it that I never tried such outfits before. I am not sure what the reason is, maybe its my sheltered upbringing, or maybe its my preference altogether, but I always preferred more conservative clothing, even when given the choice."

"That's not a bad thing." Vivaan said, unsure why the topic had come up. But he could sense that she wanted get something off her chest, and so he encouraged her to continue.

She nodded. "I know, but that didn't stop the others from making judgments." She said. "A lot of times, I was indirectly told that my choice of attire was too conservative, too 'behenji' style. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was that phase, you know. Try as I might, I couldn't feel confident about wearing a short dress when I went out with my friends; or choose to wear shorts like everyone else for comfort. And what I was not confident about, I could not carry. It was never blatant, but I was always judged for my attire. Not just with my clothes, but also with my thoughts and beliefs I was always stereotyped for being someone who was too principled, too straightforward, too rigid with my supposedly '19th century' beliefs."

Vivaan was surprised to hear this. He had never come across someone as open-minded as Payal. In fact, she did the job of walking between the two aspects of society – traditional and modern – even better than him. He had learnt so much from her in the short while he had known her.

"This is one of the lesser evils of the society, isn't it?" Payal continued, her words flowing with an undercurrent of bitterness. "If a woman wears revealing clothes, the older generation criticizes her; and if she doesn't, her own generation thinks of her as a timid, weak person, who does not have the guts to be "modern". If a person does not believe in God, the older generation criticizes it; and yet, a god-fearing person who prefers to follow customs and rituals is called 'old-fashioned' by the rest of his or her own generation. If someone prefers to live alone, without any family, the older generation criticizes it; and when someone likes spending time with family, thinks of family and wants family to have a say in all decisions, it is referred to as 'puraane zamaane ki soch' by the rest of his or her generation. No one seems to understand, how the person in between must be feeling – all he or she is trying to do is take both sides in each hand and walk while balancing on the tight rope. Ironically, when this person falls off the rope, neither side comes to help."

Vivaan kept quiet, letting her vent her frustration out. He understood her point. He was one of the people doing the balancing act too. How could he not?

"In the past few weeks, I know I haven't really been there with you." Payal continued, taking him by surprise at the sudden change of track. "I will not call out excuses or justify the reasons, because there are none. It's just that it has been so long since I have walked the tightrope alone, that I had given up on finding someone like myself. Someone who would be willing to listen to and understand my situation. It's a reflex, to keep my opinions and problems and solutions to myself, to not burden others, especially when they have enough to worry about already."

She snuggled up to him then, wrapping her arms around him somewhat tight, as though she was afraid he would leave. "In my bid to manage everything, I forget that I do have someone I can lean on, someone I can share things with. Someone who is patient with me, always listens to me and understands me without me having to say anything." She looked up at him then. "I'm sorry, Vivaan. I unintentionally left you standing alone, while you never left my side. Worst of all, in thinking that I do not want to add on to your stress, I have stopped taking time out for you." She confessed, sniffing a little, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

Vivaan's heart felt filled to the brim with adoration for the woman in his arms. She claimed that he understood her without her saying anything; but she seemed to do the same for him. Without his saying anything, Payal had not only understood his inner turmoil perfectly, but also addressed it and explained her side to him. Unable to find words, he merely leaned his forehead to hers, closing his eyes and letting his doubts wash away by their shared proximity.

"I don't care what the society says, or what everyone in your college said. You once asked me why I was so instantly attracted to you, remember?" he asked her.

She nodded, her eyes distant, remembering that conversation.

"I didn't have an answer then, and I probably don't have an answer that sums it up even now. But know this, Payal. I have never met a more understanding and perceptive person in my life than you. It honestly doesn't matter what you wear. Your understanding, beliefs and persona is so strong, so warm and so bright, that you stand out nonetheless. Everything pales before the shine of your self-confidence. When I met you, and you stood there in front of me, speaking sense into my grandmother, that shine was what had me instantly charmed." Vivaan said, finally revealing the first of his many secrets which would propel him to a truth that he knew existed, but which he was happy to not rush toward right now.

Payal laughed through her tears. "Come here. I can't not kiss you after you say something like that." She said, leaning in and closing the distance as she kissed him. His heart pounding, he kissed her back, his hands going to her waist to hold her steady. This kiss set everything right then. All the confusion, insecurity, and longing that both of them seemed to have suffered from faded away, was replaced by a sense of belongingness, security and happiness. Payal pulled away first, her eyes still closed as she leaned her forehead against his.

"Never say sorry for something you're not guilty of, Payal." Vivaan whispered after a moment. "You cannot be at fault for circumstances not in your control. Just promise me one thing, please."

"What is it?" she asked.

"Share your life with me, no matter what. Be it a problem, be it a dream, be it pride, be it disappointment, whatever it may be. As your fiancé, give me the right to have a share in not just your happiness, but also your doubts and your sorrows." Vivaan said, gently wiping her tears which had appeared yet again, at his words. She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder and wrapping her arms around him.

"I'm so incredibly lucky to have you in my life." She whispered. Just as on the day he had kissed her the first time, he was not sure if he was supposed to hear this admission. Regardless, he tightened his hold just a little bit more, feeling just as lucky to be a part of her life.

***

Vivaan made his way to the ER, taking longer strides to cover the distance faster.

"Brief me on the cases, please." He requested the head nurse, snapping his gloves on.

"It a family of four. The head fed poison to his wife and children, and then jumped from the terrace of his apartment building. All four are headed here. You have to look at the family head, the one who tried to commit suicide. He hit his chest against a tree while falling down." Mrs. Roy said.

Vivaan froze, images replaying in his head. A young boy on the stretchers, the doctors using the defibrillator to revive him. A woman screaming at the doctors to let the man die, that he did not deserve to live. His heart breaking as the boy lapsed into a coma, the woman's cries, his determination to become a doctor when he grew up...

"Dr. Mehta!"

Vivaan jerked to reality as he saw Akshay before him. "What should I prepare?" he asked.

"I refuse to treat him."

Three pairs of anxious eyes looked at him. The stretchers were brought into the room just then. Vivaan watched the unconscious faces of the children as they were wheeled away in to the next row of beds, his resolve strengthening.

"Dr. Mehta." Akshay said. "We need an order."

But Vivaan refused to budge. "I refuse to treat him, Akshay."

Akshay's eyes widened. "Um-"

"That is not your call to make, Vivaan." Vivaan wheeled around to look at Dr. Verma. "You don't get to choose your patients." He snapped his gloves on, looking at Vivaan, searching his eyes.

"Why should I try to save him when he wants to die?" Vivaan asked, his voice breaking. The images from so long ago played on a loop, threatening to overwhelm him and make him sick.

"You don't decide on that, Vivaan." Said Dr. Verma, his voice stern. "Whatever it is, get your head straight and come help me witihin the next two minutes." Saying so, he began moving to the where the patient lay.

"I'm sorry, Sir." Vivaan interrupted him. "But I refuse to treat a murderer."

Dr. Verma froze. "I ask you for the last time, Vivaan. Will you treat your patient?"

Vivaan stiffly shook his head, his mind still replaying the images, which were now superimposed by the images of the two unconscious children.

Dr. Verma stood still for a moment. "I see." He said in a calm voice. "Get out."

Vivaan looked up, startled. Cold fury reflected in Dr. Verma's eyes. "GET OUT!" he shouted at Vivaan. "Don't show me your face until you learn the code of ethics and remember your Hippocratic Oath! And then, if your license isn't revoked, we'll talk."

His loud voice jarred Vivaan to movement. He nodded and began walking toward the same doors he had come in from. But as reached them, another voice called out.

"Vivaan?"

Payal stood at the other ER entrance with Rohan. From the shocked expression on her face, she had witnessed everything. She said something to Rohan, but Vivaan didn't hear. He turned and began to walk toward his dorm. His mind was numb, still playing the images on loop. The beeping of the monitor... the woman's cries...the unconscious children...

"Vivaan!" A hand shook his arm, momentarily jarring him to the reality.

"Vivaan! Listen to me! Go back inside, right now!" Payal said, her voice stern. But he shook his head, adamant.

"I'm not treating him Payal." He ground out. "He deserves what he got."

Payal's expression was inscrutable. "Are you listening to yourself? Since when did you decide who deserves to live and who deserves to die? Are you God? Or are you a Judge? What gave you the right to decide his fate?"

"Don't start your arguments with me here, Payal." Vivaan said, his voice rising. "What's it to you anyway? Why are you arguing with me for a stranger?!"

Why was she here at the hospital? And with Rohan?

"I'm not trying to defend him. I'm trying to save you from yourself!" Payal's voice rose too. "You can lose your license, Vivaan! Is it worth it? Is it worth it to lose the right to save millions of lives out there just so that your personal vendetta against someone is fulfilled?"

"I have no personal vendetta against him!" Vivaan snapped.

"Then why are you refusing to treat him? What gave you that right?" Payal asked right back.

"I don't deem it necessary to explain, Payal!" Vivaan shouted. "And yes, it is worth it! I'd hand my license over in a blink if it means that the man dies!"

"Which is not happening anyway!' Payal pointed out. "Some other doctor will take over, like Dr. Verma did. It's futile and unnecessary Vivaan. Even if you sacrifice your license, he will still live!"

"Of course, that is all you care about." Vivaan bit out, his mind connecting the dots. The reason why she was here. How she knew about the patient. "You need your client alive. That is your client, isn't it? That is why you've come here to this hospital, demanding that I treat him." he said.

Payal stayed quiet, watching him with an expression as though she didn't understand him anymore. "You think I'm here, asking you to go back in there, because I want my client to live?" her voice was cold, dead.

"Yes. What else can it be?" Vivaan asked, knowing he was crossing a line he shouldn't but doing it anyway. "And save him so you can do what? Argue before a judge that he is not guilty? You're clueless about what is to be done Payal –"

"Stop right there." She cut him off, her eyes burning with fury. "Not a word about my profession, or about my work. Especially when you have no idea what you're saying."

"Oh, and you do?" Vivaan asked. "What gives you the right to interfere in my work? What gives you the right to do what you're doing now?" His head spun with the images of the past and present as he spoke, making him feel sick.

Payal just stared at him, anger plain on her face. "You aren't the Vivaan I know." She said, her voice low and steady, belying the fury in her eyes. "I don't know what caused you to become this insensitive clone of my fiancé, the man that I respect and admire. Come find me when you can think straight, or don't come back to me at all."

She turned around to go back to the ER, but paused in between. "One more thing, Vivaan. I don't know anything, so I can't do anything. But you know everything and yet you won't do anything. I'll leave it to you to decide which one is helplessness, and which one is murder."

And so saying, Payal walked away, not looking back once.

Glossary:

Behenji - Hindi term used to refer to an unknown middle aged female. Equivalent to the term "Aunty" used in English.

Purane zamane ki soch - Literally translated, this means "thinking like the earlier generation".