Chapter 15 - Coming Undone

Time passes slowly. The tick of a clock, the pulse of a heartbeat, the sound of breathing. The movement of white clouds crossing the sky, the struggle of a caterpillar inside its cocoon, the hatching of an egg in a bird's nest.

Yet time passes no matter how painful it can be. Seconds become minutes, blood circulates throughout the body, and lungs fill with air. Water particles turn into rain, a butterfly is born, and an eagle learns to fly. Time does pass.

Mia stepped off the bus on María de Molina heading towards school, feeling as lonely as she did the very first day she got on it. Perhaps even lonelier. It was a crisp morning at the beginning of March. Six months had already passed of the school year. Four more to go.

How did she make it this far already? She couldn't help think that soon it would be over. Soon she would be heading back home to reface reality. Had she evolved since, become a better person? No, she felt the same as always, the same she had always been.

Mia approached school, when she saw the figure that had brought all of her despair during the last two months. There had been so much she had wanted to tell him, so much that had been left unresolved. She had left him countless messages and emails but he never returned any of them. Like she didn't even exist.

It hadn't helped that he had broken up with her right before the two weeks they had off for winter break, and right before the holidays. She had thought that he maybe would have called her for Christmas or New Year's during a moment of weakness, but the holidays came and went, and she never heard from him. Afterwards, she felt stupid for even hoping that. It was clear she was the only weak one holding onto something that was no longer there.

Somehow she survived through the cold winter. She decided to go back to her routine and pour herself in school work. It was an easy thing to do, given it took up most of her time anyway. They had switched their study groups for the new semester, and Mia had found this group to be much more pleasant to work with than her previous one. It wasn't surprising that her grades were at an all time high. But even that didn't bring her any satisfaction.

She even made an effort to start going with some of her classmates to VIPS during their morning breaks. She never contributed much to those conversations though, she mostly sat back and found herself stuck in a daydream over her coffee. No one questioned her about it and they eventually took her silence for granted.

Every morning, she would get up and get ready for school. She would take a shower, brush her hair, dress, and go to class. Just like any normal person would do, just as she was expected to. They said that showing up was half the battle, anyway. Then, after a long day at school, she would come home at night and prep for the next day, only to repeat the pattern all over again. She really let herself fall into the daily grind. And she hated every second of it.

The difficult part, the excruciating part, had been keeping Leo out of her thoughts, and she failed miserably at that. He never left her mind. It was the one thing that never changed, the one constant thing in her life. No matter the day, no matter where she was or what she was doing, he never left her. The more she willed it to stop, for him to go away, the harder it would get. He just wouldn't leave. It was simply agonizing.

She never knew a breakup could feel like this, and she had gone through plenty. Could she even call it a breakup? They hadn't even been together for a month, and it was never official. Then why did she feel so broken? Still after all this time? Maybe it was because no one had ever broken up with her before. She had always done it in the past, made the unwanted verdict. This time, she wasn't given a choice. The decision was made for her.

No, that couldn't be it. Even if she had decided to end it, she still felt an enormous loss that she couldn't comprehend. Like a part of her was taken away. Like she had lost her best friend. Truth be told, he had been her best friend, her only friend. He was the only person in Madrid she ever considered to hold that title, even if he didn't think so. Now, she didn't even have that anymore. All that they had was gone, vanished. Now they were simply strangers, as if they had never met. She just wanted her friend back.

It seemed almost cruel, really. Like a sick joke. Just when she was starting to enjoy life again, it was yanked right out of her hands. In return, they left her with nothing but a void, sinking numbness that she just couldn't shake.

Leo had parked his car near school and a tall blond emerged from his car with him. They walked together to class, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. She whispered something in his ear and they laughed together. How could this be the same person? He seemed so different, but the scene presented in front of her was almost an exact replica of what they had been.

It was the same car, the same path to class, the same touch and laughter. But it hadn't been with her, it had been with someone else. Another girl. She had been replaced. He had moved on while she was still grieving. Something inside gripped her at the deepest, darkest chambers of her heart.

"Looks like Leo just found a shiny new toy to play with. That's a real shame, Mia. I'm not going to say 'I told you so', but I did warn you."

She turned around to see the bane of her existence standing right behind her, an idiotic smile plastered across his face. Johan had clearly seen everything, including her staring at Leo longingly like a big loser. Not wanting to give him any more satisfaction, she simply walked away.

"Hey, not so fast, cupcake. We still have some unfinished business to discuss," he said catching up to her.

Oh, for the love of God. She continued to ignore him, making her way towards school.

"So I imagine you finally gave it up to him. Did he at least wait a day after tasting the goods or did he dump you right after cleaning up?"

"Leave me alone, Johan. You and I have absolutely nothing to talk about, you're just making my ears bleed," she said. Ugh, he was so gross!

He stopped right in front her, blocking the school entrance. "If you ever want to know what it's like to be with a real man, let me know. I guarantee I'll rock your world, sweet cheeks. I'll even cuddle with you after," he said reaching for her ass.

"Don't fucking touch me!" she yelled at him, swatting his arm away from her.

"Feisty! That's exactly how I like them. You're a naughty little girl, aren't you? I bet you give the greatest..."

Before he finished the crude sentence, she slapped him hard across the face. His eyes widened in shock, but then disgustingly, seemed turned on by it. "You better pray Leo doesn't find out about this," she said shoving him away.

"Go and tell him! He obviously doesn't care about you any longer. Where is your White Knight now? You're not his little bitch anymore!" he called after her.

"You're a pathetic, disgusting human being. I feel sorry for you. I really do," she said over her shoulder and walked away.

"I love it when you talk dirty to me, baby," he shouted back as she raced towards class.

She went home that night and headed straight towards her closet. She started rummaging through her cardigans and sweaters. She knew it had to be in there, somewhere. She went through her jackets and still couldn't find anything. She desperately started going through her drawers, roughly opening and banging them shut along the way. She had to find a reminder that it had been real. She needed a token of proof, a small piece of him.

Why couldn't she move on? She was starting to think she was losing it. She was rounding out the corner of batshit crazy. Just as she was beginning to lose all faith, she opened the last drawer and sighed heavily as she saw it. There it was, tucked underneath her tennis outfits she hadn't worn in over a year. She shouldn't have even worried about packing the damn things in the first place.

Feeling a huge sense of relief, she pulled out Leo's sweatshirt and didn't hesitate to put it on. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't resist. It turned into a tremendous mistake when the scent hit her. God, it still smelled like him. Why was she torturing herself like this? Make way for the new masochist in town, she thought bitterly.

She stumbled into bed, not even bothering to change or even have dinner. The case studies could go to straight to hell tonight. She turned off the lights and curled up into his sweatshirt, her sweatshirt. It was the one possession she had of him. She pulled the hood over her head, just as he had done for her before. She closed her eyes and could almost pretend that he was there with her. The memory of his perfect face was still etched precisely in her mind.

She fantasized feeling the warmth of his touch, telling her that it would be alright. She imagined her pillow was his chest she was leaning her head against, and the covers were his strong arms wrapped around her. It was her own little version of a dark paradise. But there would be no him, he only appeared in her dreams. Please don't wake me up from this, she pleaded, begging that he would be waiting for her on the other side. She just wanted to see him. Please let me see him...

*****

"Wake up, sleepy head."

Mia stirred and felt warm kisses on her neck. No, she definitely didn't want to wake up from that.

"Baby...wake up," he whispered. "We need to go soon."

"Two minutes," she mumbled.

He chuckled. "I know, I know. But it's late. We have school, remember?"

"Don't care," she said, snuggling into him.

"Wow, I think I've finally broken you. You really don't care?"

She simply shook her head.

"Sweetness...I don't want you yelling at me at later."

She opened her eyes to find a pair of incredible bright blue eyes looking at her adoringly. "Please, Leo. I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you. Don't you want that?"

"More than anything in this world," he said kissing her forehead. He sighed and went to lie down next to her. It wasn't long before he was spooning her again, and she relaxed into him contentedly.

"Hmmm. I guess we have to make a couple of phone calls, then." He started to press his fingers against her back, as if he was punching in random numbers on a phone.

"Beep, beep. Beep, beep. Uh, hello? Yeah, hi, is this Professor Davis? Just to let you know that Mia won't be making it into class today. Yeah, she caught some kind of bug or something. Leovitis, I think it's called? Apparently it started in London and made its way down to Madrid. Yup, that's it. Great, no problem. Okay, bye," he said in a funny voice.

Mia giggled the entire time, her laughter filling the entire room.

"Okay, so looks like you're off the hook. Next one," he said, dialing his fingers against her back again. "Beep, beep. Hey, Professor Chang. Leo here. I wanted to inform you that my incredibly sexy girlfriend is holding me hostage today. Exactly. I knew you'd understand. You got it. Okay, gotta go!"

Mia turned to face him, still giggling. She leaned in to give him a deep kiss. "Thank you, Leo."

"For what?" he said smiling.

"For being you. You're so amazing...you make everything better. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere," he said playing with her hair.

"I'm so glad we're back together. I missed you so much," she said.

"I'm just grateful you took me back. Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking. I was miserable without you."

"How could I not? After all the convincing you did," she teased.

"You mean me begging pathetically? Not my finest moment. But I would do it again in a heartbeat...anything to be with you. Do you want me to beg again right now? Because I will."

Mia smiled. "That won't be necessary. The first time was more than enough."

"So what do you want to do...now that we're not going to school?"

"Well, I had a couple of things in mind...all of which do not involve leaving your bed," she said suggestively.

"Am I still dreaming?" Leo asked.

"I certainly hope not. That would mean I would be dreaming, too."

"Well, remind me to invite you to sleep over more often. I'm rather enjoying these sleep over parties," he said pulling her underneath him.

"You like me in your bed?" she said giggling again.

"You belong in my bed. Always," he said leaning down to kiss her, long and hard. He pressed his whole body against her, and it wasn't long before her judgment started fading away.

"We should definitely do this more often," Mia pointed out, breathless.

"God, you feel so good, Mia. You're so beautiful and perfect," he said rolling her on top of him. He ran his hands leisurely down her back. "You don't think we do this enough?"

She sat up on his lap to look at him. "What do you mean? We've never done this before."

"Mia, we do this all the time," he said grabbing on to her hips.

"What are you talking about?" she asked confused.

He sat up with her and gave her a kiss. "Baby, are you teasing me right now? This is what we do. You sleep over and then in the morning we decide whether or not to go to school. Most times we don't and spend all day in bed together," he said grinning.

"We've been missing school?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, yeah. You said you didn't care, remember? Mia, you're really starting to freak me out."

"Leo, I can't miss school. I mean once in a while is fine, but most of the time? That's crazy...I can't. I have to go to school. I have to go right now," she said starting to move away.

Leo had a tight grip on her though and didn't let her budge. "Hey, not so fast baby girl. Hold on a minute."

"Leo, please. I need to go," she said starting to panic.

"I don't understand," he said, searching her face. "I thought you wanted this."

"I do...just not like this. I need to go to school, Leo. It's irresponsible. Can't we just go?"

"No, Mia," he said irritated. "We agreed earlier. You said so."

"How much school have we been missing?" she suddenly demanded to know.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't exactly been keeping track."

"God, Leo. We need 90% attendance. That's like one time per class we're allowed to miss. You're gonna get us kicked out of school!"

"I am? This was your decision too, Mia. Besides, it wouldn't be the end of the world."

"Are you kidding me? Yes, yes it would! I can't believe how spoiled you are sometimes. For your information, some of us had to go through hell and back just to get to this point, just to be here!"

Leo's eyes widened in shock. She instantly regretted what she had just blurted out in the heat of the moment and wished she could take it back.

"Really? You're going to start name calling now? Well, in that case, I can't believe how bloody stubborn you are. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so...spoiled," he said dragging out the word, "if you would just fucking tell me for once and for all what happened! You have me completely in the dark. Am I supposed to keep guessing?"

She tried to pull away from him but he only gripped her tighter. "Please, Leo. Let me go," she pleaded.

At that moment, the door swung open and Max barged in. Leo immediately moved Mia to his side, trying to cover her. At least it was still dark outside because of the winter morning. "Jesus, Max. Learn to knock for once, will you?"

"You need to stay away from her, Leo. She's bad news," Max said pointing an accusatory finger towards Mia.

"What? Who are you talking about?" Leo asked.

"Her, dude. Mia. She's not who you think she is."

"Have you lost your fucking mind? I don't have time for this right now, Max."

"Bro, I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't important. Tell him, Mia, if you really care about him. Tell him about your past, about who you really are," Max said.

Leo turned to look at her, his expression starting to show doubt. She paled and became speechless.

"Mia...?"

She couldn't handle his distrustful stare and she looked away. He cupped her face to force her to look at him. "Sweetness, what is he talking about?"

She felt tears start to pool in her eyes and her body trembled. She knew it was over at that moment, this time for good. "Leo, it's not what you think."

"Talk to me. What is it?" he asked. But she couldn't say anything. She simply lowered her head and covered her face with her hands.

"Well, if she's not going to say anything..." Max started.

"No! Please, Max. Don't!" Mia begged.

"How do you know about this, Max? She won't even tell me about it!" Leo yelled at him.

"How can you be so blind, man? Everyone knows! Apparently, you're the only one who doesn't," he yelled back.

This can't be happening, Mia thought. Everyone knew? She felt like she was in the middle of some horror movie.

Mia turned to look at Leo and he wore an expression she had never seen before. It looked close to hatred and it terrified her. But then his eyes turned red and glossed over. It didn't register that he was actually crying until she saw tears drop down his cheeks.

She reached out towards him wanting to comfort him, but he pushed her away.

"Get out, Mia," he whispered.

"Leo, please. Let me explain."

"No. Get out. I never want to see you again," he said enunciating each and every word loud and clear.

"I'll tell you everything. About my past...everything you wanted to know," she said in desperation.

"I don't care anymore. Don't make me repeat myself again. Leave. It's what you wanted, remember? What you were just begging for! So do us all a favor and leave."

Despite all the harsh words Leo was throwing at her, she didn't budge an inch. Her mind was telling her to get up and go, but her body didn't respond. It was like she was glued to place. She didn't want to leave him.

"God, Mia. Can't you do anything by yourself? You are worthless!" Leo yelled, standing up. Mia flinched at his phrase of words, but she couldn't blame him for them. It was true.

He grabbed her roughly by the arms and dragged her out of his bed, pushing her towards the door. She wasn't even dressed properly, and felt mortified.

"Please, Leo. Don't do this," she begged, trying to pull back, but he was stronger.

He suddenly stopped in his tracks and looked at her harshly. "Absolutely...worthless!" he yelled one more time, before shoving her outside his bedroom and slamming the door shut in her face. The sound of it echoed throughout the hallway and ringed through her ears.

She dropped to the ground of the cool marble and wrapped her arms around her legs in a fetal position. She suddenly felt very cold and began trembling. She could feel her entire world collapsing in that instant. Her vision swam and she closed her eyes shut to get rid of the nauseous feeling. And then she sunk into darkness.

When she opened her eyes again, it was to a snow filled sidewalk in New York. The last of snowflakes were falling, covering everything in an undisturbed sheet of white. The scenery was so peaceful she didn't even question how she got there. She knew she was on Bowery in the East Village before she even looked up to see the sign. She knew the area well.

The snow was knee-deep, but inexplicably she had her Hunter boots on for such occasions. She wasn't wearing a coat though, and she could feel the sting of the ice cold wind seeping through her bones. Experience told her she should turn on a street rather than stay on the avenue in order to avoid the wind tunnel coming down. At least a street corner would break the wind and offer her a bit more protection. So shivering, that's where she headed.

It was eerily quiet and she soon noticed she was the only person walking around in the area. No one in their right mind would be walking through untreated snow like that. She started passing by shops and restaurants, hoping she could find something with heat, but every store had the closed sign displaying on their windows.

She was beginning to panic when she suddenly heard the sound of a baby cry out in the distance. It was so faint she thought she had imagined it, but still stopped to try to listen more carefully. There it was again, she could hear it more clearly now. She started walking faster towards the sound. Who would leave their baby like that in the middle of a snowstorm? Don't worry, I'll save you, she thought.

The crying became increasingly louder and louder with each step, until it became so loud it was almost deafening. She tried to run towards it, but the task was impossible with the snow, and she continuously tripped over her feet and fell over. She finally reached the corner of the next avenue over and realized that the sound was coming from a dumpster. She plowed her way towards it, imagining the nasty smell of the overflowing garbage inside. Taking a deep breath and covering her nose, she was about to open the lid when the crying completely stopped. Her heart sunk thinking she was too late. She couldn't bare it if the baby was...

Dismissing her dark thoughts, she summoned all of her courage and lifted the lid. To her complete surprise and utter shock, the dumpster was spot clean...and completely empty. What the hell? She slammed the lid shut in defeat, thinking she was going insane. But then a new sound emerged from the dumpster, this time it was a telephone ringing.

You got to be kidding me, she spouted. More than anything to prove to herself that she wasn't completely mental, she slowly lifted the lid again. She spotted the object immediately and leaning inside the dumpster, picked up a black cell phone with her free hand. There was a yellow post-it note stuck to the back that read 'Don't Answer!' in bold red letters.

The phone continued to ring though, and she turned it over to see the number who was calling. 'Leo' flashed on and off on the display. What the f....how was he calling her? To this random phone in a dumpster? She looked around her surroundings as if she could find something or someone that could make sense of all this.

Should she answer? She promised herself she wouldn't talk to him again and the post-it only reinforced that thought. But what if it was an emergency? What if he needed her? With that last question running through her mind, she hit the green button on the phone to answer the call.

"Hello?"

But there was no answer, not even the sound of static coming through.

"Leo? Can you hear me?"

Again, dead silence. That is, until she heard the annoying persistent tone of a phone being disconnected.

She threw the phone in complete frustration and it broke in a million pieces against the wall. And then it started ringing again. This can't be happening, she thought as she slumped onto the floor. Her clothes were completely wet now and she was beyond trembling. She covered her ears to try to drown the sound out, but it didn't help. It only seemed to get louder and louder, and just like with the sound of the baby crying, it pierced through her ears.

"Please, stop. I can't take this anymore! Please, make it stop!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. And that's when it stopped....and she finally woke up.

She woke up sweating and with her heart pounding painfully against her chest. She found herself alone in her bed in the middle of the night. It had all been a dream...a nightmare. She felt equally relieved and devastated at the same time.

She clumsily reached towards her nightstand and picked up her phone. She had several missed calls. Whoa. Did he really call me in the middle of the night?

She went to check the number to find that it had been her mom calling. Reality sunk in and she finally exhaled. Of course. She probably forgot about the time difference again. She thought about calling her back now that she was wide awake, but decided against it. She was in no condition to talk to anyone right now.

She pulled the damp covers roughly off of her, and headed straight to the kitchen, disoriented and short of breath. With shaking hands, she reached for the cupboard and poured herself a glass of water from the sink and drank it almost desperately. She poured a second one and drank it more slowly this time, looking out her kitchen window. The night lamp posts still lit up the courtyard, and the faint light drifted into the kitchen.

Flashes of her nightmare flooded through her mind. She didn't know which part of it was more disturbing to her, the sweet dream at the beginning or the horrid nightmare at the end. Leo's face turning from tender and loving to...she couldn't even think about it, she didn't want to remember that look on his face. She thought her mind was simply playing tricks on her during that last part with the dumpster. The only thing she knew for certain was that her nightmares were getting worse, much, much, worse.

******

Mia walked into the study room she had reserved online to write a paper for her Customer Strategy class. Better yet, Customer 'Tragedy' as a Brazilian girl in her class mistakenly pronounced with a thick accent. As soon as she passed through the door she flinched. It was the same room she and Leo had been playing around in before he had almost kissed her for the first time. It had seemed so full of life then and now it just looked stodgy. Why did everything have to remind her of him? It was brutal enough he had clearly moved on already. Hmm. It was a tragedy, she certainly felt like she was knee-deep in one and she was the main protagonist.

She pushed her thoughts aside and sat determined at the computer to write her paper on Trader Joe's. After about an hour, she had managed to get almost half way through. She had to admit she was pretty proud of herself for concentrating that long.

Deciding to take a break, she proceeded to check her email. She scrolled through them when one email in particular caught her attention. The subject read 'MBA Electives Application', and she immediately perked up.

Her school only allowed MBA students to take electives during the final term of the Master's, so she had decided to apply to one of the five slots they were opening up for Management students such as herself. She knew of only one other person from her class that had applied. Most people didn't apply since they'd rather do an internship for class credit. She had also written a killer essay for the application, so she had thought her chances were really good.

She had been smiling when she clicked on the email to open it, but it soon turned into a frown as she read the first the sentence.

Dear Mia,

While we were very impressed with your application and credentials, we regret to inform that you were not selected as one of the candidates for the MBA elective period.

What? She didn't bother reading the rest of the email and immediately logged out of her account and even shut the whole thing down. She stared baffled at the dark computer screen. How did I not get selected? She had been so sure of it, it had seemed like such an easy option for her and she didn't get it. Besides from the odds that had been in her favor, she had thought she had an edge over her peers. She was older than most, had more work experience, better language skills, even her grades were pretty good. Why hadn't they picked her? Had it been because of her personality, that she wasn't outgoing enough?

As she tried to rationalize with the decision, utter rejection began to wash through her. Years of built up insecurity surfaced, and that's when it happened.

She began to cry.

Mia hadn't let herself feel this way in so long, to allow her true emotions take over and control her but she couldn't stop it this time.

She cried. She cried for the last six months that she hadn't allowed herself to, for the emptiness she felt inside her chest, for the aching she felt in her heart.

"Sorry, I have this room reserved for...Mia? Are you okay?"

Mia looked up through blurred vision to find Leo staring at her in disbelief. Oh, God. Not now. She dropped her head in her hands to avoid his gaze.

"What happened?" Leo walked towards her and crouched beside her chair.

Mia couldn't speak. She couldn't even look at him and just shook her head. Her body began slightly convulsing on its own.

"Hey, it'll be okay." Leo placed his hand on her back and ran it up and down in a soothing motion. "Shhh...come here." He freed her hands from her face, and pulled her towards him, embracing her.

Mia didn't want to feel his touch, but she simply couldn't refuse, especially after she drove herself crazy yearning for it countless times in her head. Even now that he was with her it seemed like another one of her dreams. His scent engulfed her and she wrapped her arms around his neck. It was exactly what she needed and instantly started to feel better.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Leo asked.

"It's just...stupid," she managed to say, trying to regain her composure.

"Mia, it's me."

She wiped her tears, shocked that he would say that. "You're going to laugh at me it's so ridiculous."

"No I won't. Te lo prometo."

Mia took a deep breath. "I found out that I didn't get into the MBA electives."

Leo let out a chuckle. "That's why you're crying?"

"See, I knew you would laugh. That's why I didn't want to say anything," she said, sniffling.

"I didn't laugh...it was more of a...gasp of disbelief."

"Please. I'm not an idiot."

"Okay, I'm sorry. You caught me off guard. I've just never seen you like this before and imagined far worse. Especially after what I've seen you go through."

"I just really thought I would get in. My chances were good and I thought I was qualified enough considering my skills and experience. But I wasn't good enough, they didn't pick me. I hate that I have to be so shy all the time, it's always holding me back. I wish I could be more outgoing or different. I'm tired of feeling mediocre all the time."

"Don't say that, it's not true. To begin with, I know for a fact a lot of people applied to it. Don't feel discouraged, okay? Mia, you're so intelligent, one of the smartest people I know. And you're so strong, sometimes I can't believe how strong you are. You're just a beautiful person all around. You're amazing, okay? Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Ever."

Mia stared helplessly into the blue depths of his eyes, unable to look away. It had been so long that she had seen him up close like this, and he was so unbelievably handsome. She couldn't even believe what he was telling her. He was consoling her despite what had happened between them.

God, she missed him. She missed his touch, she missed his words, she missed everything about him. She couldn't resist the temptation of having him, of feeling him again as a part of her.

Her vulnerability took over and she kissed him. She needed to know if he still felt something for her, if he still wanted her, as he had told her once before.

Leo kissed her back. He grabbed her around the waist and pressed deeper into her, just like he had done so many times before. A glimmer of hope built inside her, like that first sign of consciousness when a fever breaks. But then he stopped, pushed her back, and released her.

"Mia, I can't...I..." He dropped his head and shook it, apparently searching for his next words. But before he could find them, Mia brushed past him and fled.