Chapter 19

Kate looks worried when I make it back to the embankment. “Hey, where were you?” she asks. Helen looks me over and narrows her eyes before looking away.

“Oh, Carter and I went for a swim.” I reply. “I guess maybe we went a bit too far out?”

Kate nods and sits back down, her eyes studying me carefully.

“Your bikini isn’t wet. Your hair isn’t either,” she remarks.

I look at her with wide eyes. “I… I… uh, I put my hair up so it wouldn’t get wet, and my bikini dried on the walk back,” I stammer. I’m being so suspicious but I can’t help it. I’ve never had to lie to Kate before. I can’t even look her in the eye. She’d be so disappointed if she knew what Carter and I were getting up to.

Carter walks up to us, looking annoyed as hell. William glances at him and grins. “Had a good swim, son?” he asks. Carter looks startled for a second and then nods, keeping his eyes to the floor. He brushes past me and sinks down on his chair. Kate looks from me to him and frowns.

“You guys argued again, didn’t you?”

I bite down on my lip and shake my head. “No. I guess, maybe a little.”

Kate rolls her eyes. “You two were literally together for an hour or so. How the hell did you manage to fall out again in that time? Don’t go around ignoring each other again, because it’s awkward as hell.”

I nod, feeling immense guilt. Whatever happens between Carter and me will definitely impact my friendship with Kate. I can’t risk it, no matter how much I want to. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. She looks surprised and Carter sits up to glare at both of us.

“I don’t ever fucking complain when you two are arguing or refuse to speak to each other. Last year you didn’t speak to each other for a whole goddamn week because one of you watched the series finale of some dumb show without the other. Did I fucking complain? No, I didn’t. So why the hell are you now concerned with whether Emilia and I are arguing? It’s not like that’s new to you.”

Helen looks like she might intervene but then decides to stay out of it, much to my surprise. Kate jumps out of her seat and stares Carter down. “Emilia is my best friend, Carter. Of course I’m concerned about it. I hate it when you two put me in a difficult position. I hate it when I have to choose a side to be on.”

Carter grits his teeth and storms off while I bury my face in my hands. I’m racked with guilt. What was I thinking, getting with Carter like that? Things got out of hand so quickly too. Kate is right, of course. I can’t put her in a position where she’d ever have to choose between me and Carter.

“Ugh,” she yells, storming off in the other direction. I stare at the woods that Carter disappeared into and bite down on my lip as I make my mind up. I want to follow him so badly, but I can’t. I need to put Kate first. I inhale deeply and run after her.

“Hey, wait up,” I shout. Kate pauses and turns. She wipes away her tears and my heart starts to hurt. I’m feeling beyond guilty. I stopped thinking when I was alone with Carter. I didn’t think about Kate at all. All I could think about in the moment was that I wanted Carter — that I’ve wanted him for months now.

I open my arms and she crashes into them. I pet her back as tears stream down her face. “I… I hate arguing with him,” she says.

“I know, Kate.” She might act all tough, but I know better than anyone that she adores Carter. He’s the one person she’s always looked up to. “It’s okay,” I whisper. “It’s such a minor argument. It’s fine.”

Kate pulls back and shakes her head. “It’s not. You don’t understand, I — ” She inhales deeply and shakes her head. “It’s nothing,” she whispers. I wipe away her tears with my thumbs and she looks up at me gratefully. It hurts to see her so upset. It hurts even more to know that I’m the root cause of it.

“I’m so mad,” she whispers.

I laugh and throw my arm around her. “Yeah, Carter tends to have that effect on people. Welcome to my world, girl.”

She laughs, and I’m instantly relieved. Kate and I walk around hand in hand, swinging our arms like when we were kids. I can tell she’s gathering up the courage to tell me something, and I’m wondering if she’s going to warn me away from Carter. My heart sinks at the thought of her issuing me an ultimatum like that. I don’t know if I could even keep my word if she asked it of me. It’s getting harder and harder to resist Carter, to pretend like I don’t feel anything for him.

“There’s something I want to ask you,” she murmurs eventually. She sits down at a little bench along the road and looks up at me with an anxious expression. “Do you like Carter?”

I freeze. I’m not sure what led her to ask me this, and I’m not sure what to say to her. I’ve never kept anything from Kate, and it seems wrong not to tell her now.

“I — Carter… I — ” I can’t manage to get the words out and keep stammering. My heart is beating so loudly that it feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest.

“You don’t, right? You wouldn’t do that to me, would you, Milly? Carter and you have always hated each other. That hasn’t changed right?” Kate says, her voice high pitched and borderline panicked. I swallow hard and stand in front of her, frozen and nervous as hell.

“I… no, I don’t hate him. Of course I don’t hate him,” I say.

Kate looks up at me pleadingly.

“I see you as my sister, Milly. I’ve always given you everything I could and I’ve always invited you to every family gathering we have, including our weekends at the cabin,” she says, waving her arms around and gesturing to the lake behind us. “I share my Mom with you and never complain when the two of you hang out together when you’re supposed to be my friend. My Dad offered to teach you how to drive despite it meaning that he’d have less time to teach me, and I didn’t complain. I never complain, Milly.”

I nod and look down at my shoes, racked with guilt. She’s right, she has always shared every single thing with me, and she’s never once complained.

“But not Carter, Emilia. You can’t ever go there with him unless you’re willing to walk away from our friendship. I won’t stand back and watch you two ruin everything. My Mom will never get over it if you two date and break up, or if you two even argue and you refuse to come over for dinner. I won’t let you hurt her like that. Our friendship wouldn’t be the same anymore either. I refuse to suffer through you two avoiding each other and fighting with each other, which you definitely would do if you ever dated. I don’t ever want to have to pick a side to be on, and with the way you two argue right now, I’d definitely end up having to choose.”

I shake my head and hold my hands up. “I’d never hurt you or Helen, you know that, Kate. I’d never do that.”

Kate shakes her head and laughs wryly. “You say that, but the way you two fought during this trip has hurt us all. Mom was worried when you two fought in the car and the entire hike was awkward as hell because you two wouldn’t speak to each other. Even Dad asked me what was going on between you and Carter, and if you’d be okay. We’d all have had a better time if you didn’t come with us at all, Emilia. Surely you see that that’s what things would be like if you and Carter ever dated? I’m dead serious, Milly. If you go there with Carter, our friendship is over. I won’t ever forgive you.”

I bite down on my lip as hard as I can to keep my emotions in check. I didn’t realize I was hurting everyone with my actions. I only meant to fight with Carter, but Kate is right, every fight we have does affect his family. Usually our fights aren’t very serious, so they’re easy to ignore, but it wouldn’t be the same if we dated. I can’t do that to the Clarkes. I’ll have to stay away from Carter.

“I understand, Kate,” I say, my voice shaking. My heart feels shattered and I feel like crying. Why does it feel like I just lost Carter forever? I already knew he and I could never be together, but it’s still painful as hell to know I’d stand to lose everything if I followed my heart.