13. balance

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

BALANCE

—

Dmitri had finally levelled out.

After a whole week and a half of tears, numbness, nightmares at two in the morning, and no personal hygiene whatsoever, he finally felt normal again.

Happy, even.

And Tariq had stayed throughout. He stayed when Dmitri had cursed him out, told him to fuck off when all he was trying to do was get him to eat something so that he wouldn't pass out, he stayed when Dmitri had ended up having three consecutive panic attacks one afternoon, ones that left him unable to move out of bed for the rest of the day, he even stayed when Dmitri didn't say a single word to anyone for two days straight.

He had stayed through it all, and Dmitri couldn't have been more grateful.

Even when Eden was home to check on him and to make sure that Juno was doing okay, he stuck around, alternating between spending time with Eden and Trinh and reading the history books that lined his shelves when he was unresponsive.

The room had begun to smell of Tariq's cologne, to be honest.

Any time Tariq was free, he had been in Dmitri's house.

And now, finally, he was okay. He could tell that he was beginning to come out of his depressive episode around two days ago, when he had asked Tariq if they could eat lunch at the dining table, instead of in bed.

It had been so long since he had even actively asked to eat food, and holy shit, food had never tasted better than it did that day.

"D? You goin' to work today?" Eden asked through the door. She had asked him the same question each morning, even though Dmitri was sure that she always knew the answer to that question. "How are you feeling?"

For the past few days, it had been no response or a snappy "fuck off".

Today, Dmitri replied with a loud, "I'll be out in a second!" as he tugged on his t-shirt, not before spritzing some cologne onto his body, despite having just showered.

For a moment, there was complete silence. And then, Eden knocked once on the door, before saying, "Dmitri?"

"You can come in." I have to apologise.

Apparently, that was all Eden needed to push the door open and barrel into Dmitri, knocking the breath out of him as she wrapped her arms around his body, swaying him from side to side.

Laughing, actually laughing, Dmitri wrapped an arm around her head, holding it closer to his chest. "Woah there."

"I'm so glad you're goin' to work," she whispered into his chest. "D, you scared me so bad. Like, rationally, I knew that you'd be okay, but the irrational side of me was goin' wild. Trinh can tell you exactly how wild it was goin', she bore the brunt of all my panicked rants at one in the fuckin' morning. I was literally fuckin' praying 'n shit, for you to just be okay, and you know that I rarely ever pray."

Dmitri just sighed, guilt stabbing his gut. Somehow, despite the guilt, he still felt better than he did in the last week. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, kissing the top of Eden'd head.

"Don't be sorry, bitch, it wasn't your fault," she assured, finally letting go of him and scanning him up and down. "You look hot, let's go."

Just as he was about to take his keys off the table, someone else knocked on the bedroom door, the doorknob turning to the left as a head popped into the room.

"Hey, just checking in before—" A pause. A step into the room. Then, a small smile broke out on Tariq's face. "You're out of bed."

"I'm out of bed," Dmitri agreed, a twinge of embarrassment stinging at his chest. Tariq had seen him at an incredibly low point, and sure, he had seen him like that before, too depressed to get out of bed, but back then, he didn't have a diagnosis. He didn't know what was wrong with him back then.

And there was the added factor that his episodes had only gotten worse as time went on. So technically, Tariq had never really seen him like that before.

"You smell nice," Tariq stated, the smile not leaving his face for even a second. Weirdo.

"You smell..." Dmitri began, racking his brain for the right words. He couldn't help the small victory cheer he gave himself in his head at the fact that his brain was actually working, functioning like it was supposed to, instead of the fog that he had grown used to. "You smell like you," he finally decided. There really was no way to describe the way Tariq smelled other than Tariq.

The vague lavender, the detergent from freshly washed clothes, the faint pain reliever ointment. It was just Tariq, there was no other way to describe it.

"I'm gonna leave the room," Eden stated, making her way outside the room. Just before she left, she said, "Tariq, thank you. For doing everything." I should be the one thanking him.

Tariq just smiled wider, nodding in Eden's direction, like they were in on some sort of secret. Then, he turned around to face Dmitri. "How are you?"

"I showered," Dmitri blurted, his spirits lifting at the act of merely letting someone know that he had managed to shower. Shower. Without his clothes. In hot water. "I took a shower, I brushed my teeth. And—" Gesturing towards his own body, Dmitri smiled. "Clearly, I put on fresh clothes."

Honestly, he probably sounded so fucking stupid. And pathetic. Putting on clothes wasn't something to be celebrated, neither was taking a—

"I'm proud," Tariq assured, eyes taking in the room. It wasn't clean, not yet. But the fact that Dmitri could even think about cleaning it was huge. To him, at least. "I know that the past ten days have been hard, I'm so proud of you for getting through it."

Fuck. Sentimental Tariq always made Dmitri cry. Without fail.

"Shut the fuck up," Dmitri muttered, willing the tears to go back. "And— thank you," he added, because what the fuck would he be if he didn't thank Tariq? "I genuinely couldn't have gotten through the week without you. So... thanks. For helping out when I had multiple panic attacks over taking my pills, and for helping Eden out with the cooking and everything. Just— for sticking around. After I told you to fuck off. Repeatedly. Multiple times, actually, so—"

"It's okay, Dmitri," Tariq laughed out, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "None of what you said got to me, so it's okay," he reassured with a small smile.

Is it? Dmitri sighed, pocketing his car keys. "I really am sorry, though. I know that I can be a lot when I'm in a really bad depressive episode. I mean— you didn't have to. Stick around, I mean. Deal with my shit."

Tariq sighed and rolled his eyes, jokingly, thankfully. "Don't be fucking ridiculous," he said with a shake of his head. "If I didn't want to stick around, I wouldn't have. It was fun to read all your history books. Your notes in the corner of the books were nice. Very cool. Your handwriting hasn't improved one bit."

Cheeks flaming up, Dmitri pursed his lips, hopefully preventing his smile from escaping. "You say it like yours is any better. I'll write tiny notes of encouragement for you, headass. Can't even fuckin' read your handwriting," he retorted, his chest so, so unbelievably light, the weight disappearing completely.

A small laugh left Tariq's lips, and he just shook his head, shoving Dmitri in the shoulder, and muttering, "You try to be nice, and you get bullied for it. You're annoying."

It felt so good to laugh with someone. To even talk to someone without an iron rod slammed into his chest.

"If y'all don't get the fuck out, I swear, I'll break the fucking door," Trinh's voice yelled through the door. She could be the most annoying person to deal with in the mornings, but Dmitri had never been more glad to hear her voice. "It's so late. Imagine being an assistant manager and showing up late to your own workplace because of your annoying fucking friends. Imagine. Ugh."

Dmitri snorted, shooting Tariq a quick look, only to find an amused smile playing on his lips as he pulled the door open.

"Trinh, you need to learn to shut up, sometimes," Tariq muttered, reaching two fingers forward and shoving her in her forehead, grinning at the yelp that left her mouth.

"You're so— ugh. Anyway, Tariq, you drove here, right? Since y'all wanna be late, will you drop Dmitri off at work?" Trinh asked, glitter on her bright green eyeshadow twinkling in the sunlight that was streaming into the room, a vast contrast to the past few days which he had spent in complete darkness.

Figuratively and literally.

Dmitri always got the most amount of sunlight in his room, something that he absolutely despised. In fact, when he had first moved into the apartment with Eden, he had stayed in Eden's current room, the one without the sunlight.

However, soon, Eden realised why he wanted the room without the sunlight, realised that the lack of sunlight made his depressive episodes much worse than usual. And before he knew it, he was forced into switching rooms with her.

When he was in an episode, he hated Eden for it. But when he was levelled out, he couldn't be more thankful.

"Wait, what?" Dmitri asked, snapping back into the conversation. "What? Sorry, I zoned out."

Tariq frowned and glanced at Dmitri, a trace of worry blooming behind his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay to go to work?" Why? "I mean, you don't have to like, force yourself or anything. It's okay to take a day off before you get back into—"

"I'm fine, Tariq," Dmitri assured, and he actually meant it this time. "I just zoned out."

Trinh rolled her eyes, looking up at Dmitri. She was so fucking tiny, it was adorable. Only when she wasn't yelling at him. "Tariq is dropping you off at work. If you're going. Bye." Turning around, she left, the door slamming shut with a dull thud.

Nudging Dmitri, Tariq flung himself onto the freshly made bed, the place where he had spent most of his time over the past week and a half.

It was weird, but even the freshly made bed made so much of a difference, because before, it was the place where Tariq had sat next to Dmitri and murmured a bunch of random positive affirmations while he panicked about how fucked everything was.

It was the place where Tariq had seen Dmitri in the most disgusting, most human state he had ever been in, and it was the place where Tariq had accidentally fallen asleep one day, when Dmitri couldn't get a single word out to him, couldn't reply to even one question without it feeling like too much.

Now, it was clean. Wiped of all the debris from the slow erosion of Dmitri's mind.

"We can go late, I think," Tariq mumbled, his back facing the ceiling, and his face shoved into the pillows. It was a mystery how Tariq always got so comfortable in another person's house in such a small amount of time.

Maybe seeing said person not shower for a week and a half was enough to get comfortable, though.

That was definitely the lowest point. And holy fucking shit, Dmitri was mortified, and guilty. Because Tariq wasn't obligated to sit around and help him, to set reminders to use the bathroom, feed Juno, eat food, to talk to him when he wasn't even replying.

"I'm so sorry," Dmitri blurted, his cheeks burning from sheer embarrassment. "I am so fucking sorry, you have no idea. Why did you even stay? That's so fucking embarrassing, bye. I'm so, so sorry. I don't understand why you—"

"Why I stayed?" Tariq finished for him, sitting up and raising an eyebrow. "Dmitri, I wanted to stay. I mean, after my ex-boyf—"

Then, he froze. His entire body tensed up, posture changing from its usual looseness to rigid shoulders and he just stopped everything.

Dmitri wasn't surprised, though. Why would he have been surprised, when he knew? Pretend you don't know anything. "What?"

"Nothing."

Play it off? Or acknowledge it? "I don't think that was nothing," he stated, pulling his chair out of his desk and sitting down on it, the stainless steel armrests cold against his heated up skin.

Tariq cleared his throat once, shaking his head. "It's nothing."

"You can't just—"

"After my ex-boyfriend showed me exactly what it was like to be abandoned when I needed him the most."

Oh. Dmitri nodded, trying his best to look surprised. Or maybe he shouldn't have looked surprised. He had no idea what to do. Should've just told him that I already know about his ex-boyfriend.

Finally, he managed to get out a quiet, "Oh. I'm sorry."

Tariq shrugged, teeth tugging at the skin on his bottom lip, leaving it a bright red. Raw. "I'm over that whole relationship. Didn't matter as much to me as... other relationships," he muttered, looking at everything else but Dmitri.

"Sus. Anyway," Dmitri drawled, trying everything in his power to make Tariq feel more at ease, it was the least he could do. "How long did you and Quentin date?"

Only after the words left his mouth, did he realise his mistake.

And so did Tariq.

"What?"

Their roles were reversed now. And Dmitri couldn't have been more perturbed by it. "Nothing."

Tariq shook his head, his eyes flashing with anger? Was it anger? Dmitri couldn't even blame him if it was. "How do you know his name?" he asked, his voice hoarse, cold, all the energy sucked out of it.

Be honest. Be honest. "You spoke about him at Trinh's birthday party. You mentioned his name. That you dated him for eight months, and that he was a dick to you."

A bitter laugh escaped Tariq's lips, his body still tenser than ever. Pushing himself off the bed, he stood up, squeezing his eyes shut and opening them only after a second.

"Why didn't you tell me that you knew?"

No idea. Fuck, if I knew why, I'd tell you. Or would I? "I don't know."

Laughing again, Tariq wiped his face down with his hand, looking thoroughly exhausted. With him. "Fuck this. Man, genuinely fuck this. I'm leaving," he declared, making his way towards the door. "You can get to work on your own."

Then, he left.

And fuck, Dmitri knew that this time, it wasn't anyone else's fault.

This time, there was no one to blame but himself.

—

+2478

AN: when will the angst end💔 i wonder💔💔

the answer is: soon😋

thank u all for reading !!!!! i hope u all have/had a good day today🥺❤️