50. Crying In The Dave and Buster's

You know the feeling when you know that something bad is about to happen but you can't do anything to stop it? You're helpless and weak against Fate and her plans. You feel like a blip on the universe's radar. Prayers and begs and screams and pleas feel like they fall upon deaf ears.

That's how I felt when that simple sentence left his lips. I leave in one week.

Though it was selfish, I let myself cry. I sobbed and did all I could to keep the screams and curses from slipping past my quivering lips. I knew that the time was nearing, good God I knew. But hearing him say the words and feeling the pain in his voice really made it sink in. This was really happening. He was going to be taken away from me. He was going to face the monster disguised as his mother. That just made me cry even more. And he just held me and let me cry and he apologized profusely as tears of his own slid down his cheeks. I tried to reassure him that he had nothing to apologize for, but instead, all my words were viciously silenced by the sobs that relentlessly tore through me like a hurricane.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but I woke up a bit past six in the morning. I was still in Tyler's arms. Even in his sleep, he held me like he was protecting me from the world. A cruel vicious world that I couldn't protect him from. In his slumber, he looked almost peaceful, as if we weren't being ripped apart by the cruel hands of time.

I couldn't go back to sleep after I'd woken up. Sleep seemed like a sin at this point. No, I had to stay with him. Make every moment count because these could very well be our last. We both knew that fathers getting full custody of their children was rather rare unless they were wealthy or had some connection to the judge (though oftentimes those two were one and the same). Tyler's dad was neither. What if the courts down there thought that the trauma his mother had put him through was justifiable? What if they too saw his existence as a sin? The very thoughts made my throat constrict as tears blurred my vision.

I stayed laying there until the sun rose, listening to every breath and heartbeat. It wasn't until a bit after nine that he stirred. First a little groan, then a furrow of the eyebrows, then finally, his dark eyes cracked open. For a few moments, he looked around confused before his eyes landed on me. The corners of his lips tugged up a bit, but his grin didn't contain its normal cheeriness. Instead, it was full of grief and regret, the kind of grin you get at a funeral or before a bad diagnosis. "Good morning, baby," I whispered before I placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Good morning." His voice was soft and scratchy as it traveled up his throat. I reached out and gently caressed his cheek in an effort to permanently engrave the feeling into every cell on the pad of my thumb. I wanted to remember what he felt like so I could hold onto it when he was gone. I needed to. He gingerly held onto my wrist as his tired eyes bore into mine. I knew what he was going to say before the simple two-word sentence formed on his tongue.

"I'm sorry," he said, barely above a whisper.

I shook my head. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for," I quickly said, not wanting him to think I was upset with him in the slightest.

"I just...I wanted to make our last few days count. I wanted to create a ton of good memories to hold onto while I go through the shit show down there and...I don't know. A juvenile part of me was trying to bury myself in you in order to forget what was going on, and that's not fair to you, especially not the way I sprung it onto you. That's not fair either."

"I understand, Ty. I have no ill feelings toward you about any of this. I promise."

He offered me a sad grin before he broke eye contact.

We laid in silence simply holding each other. With every moment that passed, the feeling of impending doom settled deeper and deeper into my bones. So, to distract myself I sat up before gently nudging Tyler. "Come on, sleepyhead. Do you feel up to a shower?"

He sat up, causing the sheets to pool at his hips as a slight wince was pulled from his lips. I gently placed a hand on his back to offer support. "I'm good, but you're right, this feels different. Not bad though."

I gave him a sarcastic wink. "I told you I'd get you back."

"That you did," he said with a slight chuckle. "I guess I need to be the one taking notes."

I stood up and felt the cool air envelope my bare body as I extended my hand for Tyler to take. He shamelessly looked me up and down before he took my hand. I rolled my eyes before I led him to the bathroom.

As the water ran and warmed up, we lazily brushed our teeth side by side at the sink. Although we looked almost normal, it was our eyes that gave us away; the look of pure fear and sadness hidden behind our colored hues.

Not a word fluttered from either of our lips once we stepped into the shower. The sound of water and our breathing was all that was heard as I dragged the towel across our bodies. Somewhere between me washing his chest and his stomach, I found myself being held in his arms as he buried his head into my shoulder. I simply held him, not being able to do anything else.

After we eventually left the shower and dried off, we ate a couple of bowls of cereal before planting ourselves on the living room couch. As I sat surfing through the channels with Tyler's head in my lap, my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a message from Ian.

Ian (10:57): hey loser, Lelani and I were going to D&B tonite and was wondering if u and Ty wanted to join?

"Babe?" I said, causing Tyler to look up at me. "Wanna go to Dave and Buster's tonight with Ian and Lelani? I think it'll be fun." And a good distraction.

Tyler flipped it over in his brain for a few moments before nodding. "Yeah, sure. I wanna be able to see them one last time."

The phrase one last time made my heart drop. It felt so heavy. So final.

"You'll see them again, il mio re. Don't say it like that."

"Okay," he said as he turned away from me and settled back into my lap, not sounding completely convinced. He was already so defeated before the battle had even started and it truly broke my heart.

I started running my hands through his hair again as I silently prayed that I could make this last week the most memorable of his life.

***

"No fair, you cheated!" Ian cried as Tyler was announced the winner.

"Sorry, Ian, but I'm just that good," Tyler said with a shrug as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

"That's my baby," I said before I placed a quick peck on his soft lips.

"No, you cheated! I'm the reigning champion of Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

"Babe, it's fine," Lelani gently comforted before she turned back to Tyler and me. "But this time, I get to pick the game." As soon as she said that, a knowing grin spread across Ian's face as he looked between Tyler and me. "Y'all are about to get your asses whooped!"

"We'll see about that," I said as we followed Lelani over to the Dance Dance Revolution game.

"Since you're so confident Addison, I challenge you," Lelani said as she queued the game up.

"Okay, Lelani, but I won't go easy on you."

She raised a brow at me. "Wow, so generous," she sarcastically said as a grin tugged at her lips. "You're going down. No hard feelings though, 'kay?"

"It's on," I said and before I knew it we were both a fury of dynamic movements. As we danced, our respective boyfriends cheered us on, and though Lelani and Ian were super cute together, I couldn't let that distract me from the task at hand. We were close, dangerously so. And, the competitive side of me didn't like that. Not one bit.

However, after what I would consider a long, noble fight (and a few missed steps), Lelani came out the winner. But I wasn't mad though, she literally put her all into it. I was surprised she didn't pass out. I was surprised I didn't pass out.

"Good...game," I made out between labored breaths as I extended my hand out to her.

"Yeah, you...you too," she returned as she took my hand in hers and gave it a tired shake.

"Now that's my baby," Ian said, throwing the words I'd said earlier back at me as he let Lelani lean on him.

I used all my strength to flip him off as Ty took me into his arms. "Dang, Addi, why didn't you tell me you had moves?" He gently jokes as he ran his fingers through my hair, likely in an effort to return some of the structure it had lost during the intense dance battle.

"Never...Never had the chance. But wait until prom. Then you'll get...a real show." I rested my head on his chest and looked up at him.

He gave me the most adorable grin as he looked down at me and brushed back a piece of hair that had fallen into my face. "Promise?"

"Promise."

I made a mental note that he didn't seem as hesitant about me talking about the future as he had earlier in the day, though I tried not to look too into it. Maybe he was truly finding hope in the situation, or maybe he was just trying to distract himself like I was. Whichever it was, it didn't matter, as long as he didn't have that heart-dropping tone of defeat in his voice.

I turned back to Ian and Lelani to see them shamelessly making out.

And they said we showed too much PDA. Yeah, okay.

"Look, the straights are being straight again," I whispered to Tyler, causing him to lowly chuckle.

"And there they gor," Tyler commentated in a soft Australian accent. "Here, in the wild, we have two heterosexuals. They are currently partaking in the sacred swapping of DNA. For the heterosexuals, or 'straights' this either leads to two things: blue balls or babies."

I had to put a hand over my mouth to keep myself from laughing too loudly. "Yes, ooh, there the male goes, holding the female closer by her waist to assert his dominance," I joined in, my accent equally as bad as his. "Oh, but there the woman goes, tugging on his hair. You can see him weakening for her as the power shifts to her."

"I feel like I'm watching a Wii tennis match," Tyler joked just as an alarm sounded from Ian's pocket. Ian pulled away, though it was obvious he didn't want to as he checked his phone. Once he did, his eyes lit up with excitement before he turned to us.

"Hey guys, sorry to be so sudden but we have to go. Mean Girls comes on in like thirty minutes," Ian said as he slid his phone into his pocket before intertwining his fingers with Lelani's.

I pitched a brow. "Mean Girls?"

"Yeah, this girl has never seen it, can you believe that?"

"It just doesn't seem that interesting," she defended with a shrug, causing Ian to gasp as if she'd said the most blasphemous thing in the universe, which in his world, she had. Mean Girls was one of his favorite movies after all.

He shook his head. "I need to save you from yourself."

Lelani looked to us for help, but all I could do was put my hands up in surrender.

"It is a pretty good movie. But just be careful, the humor is very early two-thousands, and very offensive at times."

"I know, Ian told me, which makes me even less excited to watch it," she flatly stated.

"It's the made-for-TV edit, so the offensive stuff should be cut out. But if it's not, I'll cover your eyes and ears."

Lelani scuffed as she playfully punched him. "Shut up. But tonight was really fun, we should definitely do it again sometime so I can keep whooping Addi's butt in DDR."

"I wouldn't say you you whooped me per se–"

"She definitely did," Ian interjected. "But I agree. It's fun hanging out with you guys when you're not all over it each other." Tyler and I exchanged a look that said oh the irony but neither of us said anything. "We come here all the time. We'll be back for New Year's if you want to come. What's more romantic than having your first New Year's kiss as a couple under the orange and white lights of the Dave and Buster's sign?"

The image instantly came to my head: me in Tyler's arms and Lelani in Ian's as we heard the shouts from the New Year's Eve ball dropping blocks away. The light from the D&B sign would be raining down on us, but all we'd be able to focus on would be each other. We'd be wearing the tacky New Year's crowns and glasses as we counted down the seconds until the new year we'd spend with each other, wishing for smoothing sailing, an endless love, and to graduate high school. As soon as midnight hit we'd share a soft and tender kiss, silently conveying our love and dedication for one another.

But that wasn't going to happen.

Because I wasn't going to be holding the one I loved.

We wouldn't share our first New Year's kiss nor would we dress in tacky New Year's get-up together. No wishes made, no embraced had.

I'd be alone in my room watching the fireworks.

He'd be alone fighting a woman who thought his existence warranted hate.

My throat became tight and no words or syllables were able to get through.

"Yeah, that sounds awesome man. Thanks," Tyler said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He didn't have it in him to tell them, and I couldn't blame him. This was breaking him.

"Alright, well, I'll see you guys later. Have a good night," Ian said as he and Lelani waved.

"Good night," Tyler said.

"Bye," was all I could manage, my voice shaky and weak as I felt my insides shake with unshed tears.

Once they were out of sight, Tyler looked down at me. "Are you okay?"

"Are you?" I asked.

He sighed and shook his head. "Not really, but I don't have a choice but to be. No matter what, what's happening is still going to happen whether I'm ok or not." He shifted his grip on me so that we were standing chest to chest before he rested his chin on my head. "But I'm glad you're here with me. You make dealing with this a bit better. Your folks do too. It makes me feel better knowing I have so many people in this fight with me, so thank you."

"You're welcome," I whispered as I closed my eyes and buried my face into his chest, allowing his familiar scent to wash over me. I hope I don't forget it.

With a cavalcade of sounds surrounding us and flashing lights from millions of games raining down on us, we stood there simply embracing each other like we had been doing most of the day. Simply enjoying each other's company while we still could.

***

Y'all, my emotions can't handle this right now. Like I literally hate doing this to my babies. This book and TIMH (the prequel to this about Madison and Noah) have been the hardest books for me to write emotionally because it angers me, no it INFURIATES ME that these situations happen outside of books. People shouldn't be hated or demeaned for loving who they love or for simply being who they are and it pains me that it happens. If you or anyone you know is struggling with LGBTQ+ related issues, contact the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386. I love you guys so much and I'll see you in the next update.

Love y'all– Jordan

PS what song to y'all think goes with this chapter? I honestly couldn't find one but I know one it out there