Chapter 22.5: Tyler's Version (bonus chapter)

Excitement moved through me as I finished wrapping the final breakfast burrito that I was preparing. I was elated to finally pay Addi back for the countless times that he'd treated me with a delicious breakfast when I woke up.

The burritos were made of hash browns, eggs, sausage, and cheese, as well as a side of bacon that I'd already prepared. I just really hoped he liked it.

"Hey, son, what're you makin'?" My father asked me as he walked into the kitchen. Usually, I'd just be getting up for school as he was heading out of the door, however, this morning I wanted to have more than enough time to hang out with Addi before heading to school. He was dressed for work which consisted of a simple white button-up, slacks, and dress shoes. He worked for a home loan company, and though I didn't know exactly what he did, all I knew was that it was nothing to scoff at, but this crazy big city made his money look like chump change. A look of excitement replaced the tired look that usually decorated his face as he got closer. "Alright! Please tell me that one of those is for me." He motioned to one of the three burritos I'd made.

"Sure, you can be my guinea pig," I said as I offered one to him. I watched expectedly as he took a bite out of his food. He definitely took his sweet time chewing and debating if he enjoyed his food or not, but as a grin spread across his face, I caught myself letting out a sigh of relief.

"It's perfect, son. Thanks, I appreciate it."

"No problem," I nonchalantly said just as my phone vibrated with a text from Addison that simply said I can't wait <3 in response to an earlier text I'd sent him telling him I had a surprise for him.

"Why are you smiling so hard, boy? You textin' your li'l boyfriend again? You only smile like that when you're talking to him."

I felt my cheeks grow warm as I avoided eye contact with my father, though I could see an amused grin painted across his lips. "Dad, stop. Please."

I knew it had been a mistake to confide in my dad about my feelings for Addi purely because he loved making my life harder by making annoying comments such as the one he'd just made.

"Kidding. Kidding," he said with a laugh. "But I hope I get to see him again soon. I want to get the know the boy that has my son smiling so much."

"Yeah, yeah, dad. Maybe," I said as I packed the food. I really didn't want to have his conversation with him right then. The title of "boyfriend" was still relatively new, and it felt kind of weird to have my father refer to Addison that way. Besides, I really didn't want my dad to scare him off. My father was...intense at times, but I knew his heart was in the right place. He was just very protective over me, especially given the way my last relationship had turned out.

I instantly tried to push all thoughts of my past relationship in my past life away, but it persisted. I thought back to the pain and depression I felt all those years ago that felt like yesterday. I thought about how those same feelings came back when I had asked the terrifying question of if Addi wanted to be my boyfriend. And now those feelings were back and demanding to be felt.

"Ty, you okay?" My dad asked, thankfully pulling me out of the spiral of negative thoughts that were filling my skull like water in a glass.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I forced those dark thoughts back into the locked vault I kept them in, away from all of my happy memories and new life.

I forced a smile onto my lips as I looked at him and nodded. "Yeah. Just thinking about school stuff. I have a test coming up soon," I easily fibbed.

My father gave me the I'm not buying it look, and I sighed. If I knew one thing about my father was that he was nosy as hell, and if he even thought I was hiding something from him, he wouldn't stop until he uncovered what it was. "I was just thinking about mom and all that," I admitted. Not needing to go into any further detail, my father's demeanor softened up before he put a hand on my cheek.

"She can't get to you anymore, son, you hear me? That awful woman and that awful place are in your past and that's where they're going to stay. Don't let her ruin this for you. You're strong and you're worthy of every good thing and then some, okay?"

I offered him a solemn grin, or as close to a grin as I could muster, as I nodded. "Okay. Thanks, dad."

He pressed a kiss into my forehead before he hugged me. "I love you, son. Don't ever forget that."

I nodded as I held onto him, savoring the moment of stillness between my father and I. After a few moments, the hug broke. "Alright, well I have to go if I'm going to make it over there in time," I said as I started packing up Addi and I's breakfast.

"Alright. I was actually about to head out too, but I can wait for you so we can walk to the subway station together."

I nodded before I continued on with my work. Less than five minutes later, my father and I were walking down the sidewalks of New York toward the subway station, the conversation bouncing between his stressful work schedule and the upcoming audio projects I had. My father was super supportive of my creative endeavors and wanted to do whatever he could to encourage me, despite the fact that he knew basically none of the terminology I was using. He simply nodded and asked questions.

Before too long, we were down in the hectic underground city that made up the subway station and swiped in. After walking for a bit, we stopped, our paths ready to diverge. My father gave me a quick hug and said, "Thanks, son. I appreciate it. Have a great day at school and I'll see you later tonight. I love you."

"Love you too, old man. Have a good day."

"You too, son."

And with that, we were both going our separate ways. I tightly gripped the bag with Addi's food as I rode on the subway beyond excited to see his reaction, but also a bit nervous. I still got butterflies in my stomach at the very thought of him, despite our new title as official boyfriends.

Before long, I was standing in front of his apartment door. I pressed the buzzer and waited. After a few moments, the door opened, and though I expected Addison to be the one to open the door, I was greeted by his sister, Azalea. Once our eyes met, she offered me a warm grin.

"Hey, Tyler. What a nice surprise." She stepped out of the entryway and used her arm to beckon me in. "How are you doing."

"Good, good. How are you?" I asked as I walked in.

"Good, thank you. Addi's in his room still getting ready. I'm making breakfast if you're hungry."

I showed her the bag in my hands. "Thanks, but I've got breakfast covered."

She chuckled. "I bet Addi will be glad to hear it. He doesn't like my cooking much."

"He has no taste, so I'm not surprised."

She chuckled before I waved bye and headed up to Addison's room. I knocked on his closed bedroom door and received a muffled "Come in" as a response. I opened the door just as Addison slid on a sweatshirt, hiding his fit body. "Man, you end the show right when I get in here," I said with a pout as Addi started to reach for a jacket. My words caused him to jump nearly three feet in the air as he turned and looked at me. I grinned at his adorable reaction as a blush stained his cheeks.

Embarrassed, he turned back to his jacket. "Ty, what are you doing here?"

A weird feeling filled my chest at his response. Had I expected him to dance for joy or break out in a musical number in my presence? No, of course not. But I was expecting some excitement or even joy at least. I couldn't tip him off to my inside thoughts though, especially if I was just making a big deal out of nothing, which was something I did a lot. "What? I don't even get a 'hi' anymore?" I asked as I sat on his bed and sat the food to the side.

"Hi, Tyler," he dramatically said before she started walking away from the bed. However, he was swiftly stopped when I grabbed one of the straps hanging from his cargo pants and pulled him back toward me, causing him to scream as he fell nearly perfectly onto my lap.

"Hi, Addison," I mockingly responded, looking deep into his beautiful eyes, before I gently kissed him. Soft giggles escaped his soft lips as he kissed me back.

"See? That's better," I said once we parted after a few moments.

"Sorry, this morning has been stressful," Addi softly admitted. There was a weight evident in his voice that was pulling him down, nearly drowning him. And his eyes were as expressive as ever as they broke eye contact with mine.

Instead of trying to pry, I simply ran my thumb over his soft cheek. "I could tell because you seem to have completely forgotten act you knew I was coming over," I lightly joked. "You also look like you're between killing someone and crying hysterically."

"Gee, thanks," he dryly responded.

"You look cute, though. And you just so happen to be in luck because I brought this." I revealed the bag I'd been hiding behind my back and offered it to him. His facial expression changed into a face I'd never seen before. I could practically see the thoughts piling up behind his gorgeous eyes, blocking out the light in them, and it made me worried. What was plaguing him so much? Why did he look so scared? What had I done?

"Addi?" I gently said, but I got no response. "Hello? Earth to Addison?" I said as I waved a hand in front of his face in an effort to anchor him back to the outside world.

He blinked before his attention quickly snapped to me. His adorable blush that I loved so much spilled over his freckled cheeks as he broke eye contact. "Yeah, sorry. I was just...thanks." He took the bag from my hand. "I really appreciate it. You're the best." With that, he pressed a quick kiss into my lips.

"I know. Might as well give me the 'boyfriend of the year' award," I lightly joked as we parted. He scoffed but no other words were said. He was sucked back into his head, consumed by God knows what. And it worried me. "Hey, you," I said as I started gently running my fingers through his hair the way he liked. "Wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head. "I'll tell you after school, but not now. I kinda just want to lay here for a bit, if that's okay."

I softly chuckled and kissed his forehead. "Of course that's okay. Take your time."

***

I was never one for science, but I had to admit that I enjoyed chemistry. Mainly because I liked seeing things turn cool colors and bubble as the chemical reactions occurred. I was working with my lab partner, Lauren Walker, one of the smartest people I'd ever met. Not only was she a straight-A student, but she was also class president, a volunteer at a children's hospital, and on track to go to Columbia. But, most people didn't know how smart she was; they got caught up in the stereotype attached to the fact that she's a cheerleader. I had to admit, I'd had a huge crush on her when I first met her, but Addi...he was worth more than a billion Lauren's.

She and I were still good friends, though. She even helped me study chemistry, which is something I struggled with beyond the color changes.

"Did you hear what's happening with the football team?" She randomly asked as she loaded sulfuric acid into the pipette and handed it to me.

"No, what?"

I carefully added in the five drops as our instructions told us to.

"Well, apparently, and you didn't hear this from me and I'm not telling you this to be like 'ew gross' because I honestly don't care and I honestly think it's a beautiful thing to go against the grain of stereotypes. Y'know, not letting a status of being a hyper-masculine, womanizing athlete deter people from living their most authentic lives and––"

"Lauren, I get it, just get to the point," I said with a laugh. Lauren tended to get sidetracked a lot very easily, usually when she was talking about something she was passionate about, so I had to reign her in sometimes.

"Oh yeah, sorry." She took the pipette from me and grabbed a stirring rod while I grabbed the rubber tubing for the bunsen burner to connect it to the gas nozzle. "So, apparently there are like, two football players that are dating each other. Isn't that so cute?"

Her words caused me to freeze just as my fingertips skimmed the gas nozzle as my blood roared in my ears. There was a rumor going around about me and Addi. Sure, it didn't seem like people knew it was us, but the fact that there was a rumor made my knees weak. News traveled fast in this school, and it would only be a matter of days, maybe even hours before we were found out. I wanted to throw up. "What?" My voice came out smaller than I'd intended.

"Yeah, I heard it from one of the dance team girls this morning after practice."

Kyra. There was no other explanation. A blind person could tell that she was pissed when she saw Addison and me, so why was I surprised? But Addison hadn't mentioned any inklings that she would out us. Then again, anyone's capable of anything if mad enough. I felt the color drain from my face.

As she looked at me, her eyebrows furrowed. "Why do you look like that, Ty? Please don't tell me your homophobic."

I quickly shook my head. "No, no, I'm definitely not homophobic, it's just...wow. W-Who told you that?"

A smug smirk spread across her lips. "I don't reveal my sources, you know that."

I thought of my next words very carefully, not trying to come off too worried or defensive. "But, I mean, we don't know if it's true, so it's not good to be spreading it around. If they're keeping it a secret, there's a reason they are. Spreading a rumor like this might make them feel pressured or scared, or, even worse, creating a witch-hunt within the team all because of a rumor that might not even be true."

She pursed her lips together as she reached past me and turned on the bunsen burner. "Huh. I never really thought about it like that. I guess I was so excited at the possibility of there being some representation on the football team that I didn't really think about the implications. You're right, I'll keep it on the dl."

I nodded, keeping the "thank you" that was climbing up my throat from escaping. Saying thank you would imply personal ownership, which could easily connect me to the rumor, and I couldn't risk it. My mind instantly jumped to Addi and my heart ached. I wanted to run to him. Throw my arms around him and protect him from the potential venom that would be thrown our way after people find out it's us–– because realistically stopping one person from talking about the rumor won't be enough to kill it.

But I couldn't.

My mind was instead clutched in the steel-tight grips of memories from the past that lead to what felt like an eternity of suffering and pain.

The last time I'd been outed.

I was actually gonna be sick.

"Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom, be right back," I rushed out before I practically ran out of the classroom and down the hall, ignoring my teacher's questioning glance as I did so.

My legs couldn't carry me to the audio side of the building fast enough. My shaking hands made it nearly impossible for me to slip the key into the lock, but after a frustrating amount of times, I was able to fumble the door open and practically slam it shut behind me.

My knees effectively gave out and I fell to the floor. It felt like my throat was lined with cotton balls as it became harder and harder to breathe. My hands were sweaty and my vision became blurry with unshed tears.

I was having a full-blown panic attack.

I quickly laid myself on my stomach and extended my shaking arms to hoist my body up into a position that mirrored an upward dog yoga position, a technic I'd learned from therapy to open up my airways.

Although it helped me physically, it didn't help the emotional feeling of the world slowly closing in on me. What was I going to do when the people I once thought of as friends turned on me? When the same people who called my name under the Friday night lights started calling me an abomination? When the same people who watched me succeed turned a blind eye to my suffering.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to disappear.

I wanted to hold my boyfriend and hear him tell me everything was going to be ok. But even the thought of Addison felt like a sin. So instead of reaching for my phone that was burning in my pocket and begging to be used to call the one that could calm me down, I stayed on the floor of the room where no one could hear my sobs.

***

The rumors had reached the locker room and I'd never felt more scared in my life. I'd been standing in front of my locker, blankly staring at it for what felt like hours as I listened to my teammates talking around me.

"Did you hear?"

"I wonder who it is?"

"I beat it's Peyton. He's always given me that vibe if you know what I'm saying."

"Nah, definitely Boxy and Yusef. Have you seen them? They practically kiss every time they speak!"

"I just know I don't want a gay guy looking at me like that while I change."

"It's kind of weird."

"We need to find them."

The words spun around in my head like a tornado. I needed to get out.

Without wasting another moment, I shut my locker and put my backpack back on my shoulders. My eyes scanned the locker room looking for Addison, hoping that we could talk and create a united front against this vicious rumor that was threatening to rip us out of the closet before we were ready. After searching for a few moments, I saw him practically running away from coach's office and towards the door. I was about to go after him when I was stopped by Harry.

"Look, Harry, I really gotta––"

"Just one quick question, Ty, then I promise to let you go," Harry begged as Yusef and Boxy wrestled behind him in a moderately homoerotic way.

I sighed. "What?"

He raised a brow at me. "Ooh, feisty today aren't we?"

"Harry, I'm gonna walk away––"

"Okay, okay, sorry. But I need your honest opinion: am I attractive?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Why do you––?"

"Like, to the male gaze? I know I'm attractive to the female gaze, but I wanna know if you, a guy, think I'm attractive."

"Why do you care so much?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Since there's a rumor that there are some gay people on the team, I kinda wanna know if they'd think I'm hot."

"Because Harry wants to be butt buddies with them–– ouch!" Boxy sarcastically said before Yusef hit him.

"Boxy, stop being weird. You sound like a homophobic dick," Yusef said as he put Boxy in another headlock.

"I'm not, promise! Sorry–– Yusef, go easy man, I bruise easily."

I rolled my eyes. "Looks like you're asking the wrong person. Go ask one of those two, I have to go." And with that I stepped past him and went after Addison, causing Harry to loudly sigh and grumble, "I just wanna know if other guys wanna bump me in a non-sexual way."

I made it over to the audio side of the building in less than a minute, knowing that's likely where Addison would be. Just as my phone buzzed in my pocket, I threw open the door, revealing Addison. His attention snapped to mine, a terrified look on his face.

"Addison, what the hell is going on?" I asked as I shut the door behind me. I sat down next to him on the couch and stared intensely at my clutched-together hands.

"Tyler, I––"

"I mean, I first heard about it in fourth period from Lauren, one of the cheerleaders, but she had no idea it was us, thank God, but then I started hearing it more and more and I was so upset and confused and scared. I-I wanted to confront Kyra about it since everyone kept telling me that it was the dance team girls spreading it, but then I realized that I could make it worse and then I thought about you and how scared you must be and then I heard the boys talking in the locker room and..." My word vomit abruptly stopped as I forced myself to look at him as I viciously blinked back the tears that were trying to escape. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of my tears. "Addison, what's going on? Why would she do this?"

I didn't know why I was asking him those questions. It's not like he would have some magical answer as to how we went from blissfully being in a beautiful relationship between to two of us, to being on the cusp of being outed within the span of a month. But a part of me weirdly hoped he did, just to put some logic to this illogical situation.

But I couldn't have been prepared for his next words.

"I haven't been honest with you." His words were so soft, yet they hung in the air like a dust particle.

"What?" My voice shook as the simple one-syllable word left my lips.

His eyes left mine. "I...Everything is my fault, completely and totally. Kyra's been beyond pissed since she caught us. I know I told you that already, but I've been downplaying how serious it is. Severely. It's all because I broke a promise to her, a stupid promise that I should've never made in the first place but I was really emotional and I really thought I could keep it at the time but––"

"Addison, spit it out." My voice was so emotionless it sounded foreign even to myself.

"I...The night of the football game, before I kissed you, we broke up, but you already knew that. Except, not really. I mean, she called a break on us. She's been dealing with stuff and...well, she said she wanted a break and promised to come back to me. I didn't verbally promise anything back, but I insinuated it. I think a part of me knew that I was going to break that promise but at the time I really thought..." He trailed off for a moment then shook his head. "It doesn't matter what I thought. What matters is that I gave into my desires for you before I one-hundred percent broke things off with Ky. My feelings for you were just so strong and I really didn't want to lose you so I––"

"Lied to me," I finished as my that constricted. "So you lied to me."

An unparalleled level of anger and betrayal filled my body like lava in a volcano. I'd trusted him. I'd fallen in love with him. Just so he could what? Play with my emotions? Break my heart? Betray me like almost every other person in my life has?

No. No, I couldn't let him break me like my mother did. I wouldn't give anyone that satisfaction ever again.

The rest of the conversation went on in a blur. No matter what excuses he came up with, the truth is that he lied. He put me in an impossible position all because he wanted to. All because he felt comfortable.

What about me?

I don't remember everything that I said, and a part of me is glad. But I would never forget the look on his face when I told him we were over. The sound of his voice as he begged me to stay. How small I felt when I stormed out of that little studio that had held so many precious emotions and memories. How dark the thoughts were that clouded my mind.

I'd gone from being deeply in love to being deep in my past trauma in the span of ten minutes.

I needed an escape before I seriously hurt myself like I had when I was trapped in conversion therapy.

I needed my father.

***

Hey y'all, sorry for being MIA but life has been hectic recently, so thanks for being patient!

Life update: I've been working like crazy this summer (thus my lack of updating), I have COVID after avoiding it for 2.5 years, and I'm going to NYC for a film festival in October. I'm also going back to college in 2 weeks which is insane but I'm beyond ready to go back. I miss my friends and having stuff to do.

But I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter and as always the next one is available on Inkitt using the link in my bio! (HINT: It's the mature chapter that a lot of y'all have been asking for since chapter 33 so...click on the inkitt link in my bio if you wanna read it now!)

I hope you guys have a good rest of y'all's week!

Love y'all– Jordan!