Chapter 54: Bad Girls Go Off

Mac

As Adam escorts me across the lawn, keeping me close by his side with a firm hand-hold, I'm struck by conflicting emotions. Kat is right, the dinner preparations are beautiful. The votive candles softly lighting the creamy displays of magnolias. The crispness of the linens, the sparkle of the crystal. The eclectic mix of old chairs, wood worn by years of dinners like this.

This family is beautiful too, even if they aren't so beautiful to me right now. I can see their love for another, their closeness, in their smiles and easy ways with one another. The murmurs of the beautiful people, strewn around in groups, glasses and manners in hand. The pretty little girls with shining hair topped with bows and caring eyes and the handsome little boys itching with mischief and the need to get their white shorts and pastel polos dirty.

And this man beside me, holding my hand tight, grimly pulling me toward his beautiful history, trying to find a fit for us there. He's beautiful, too. In his too-tight khaki pants, and a finely patterned plum summer dress shirt, stretched across his gorgeously broad frame, the short sleeves rolled up slightly, revealing his lean but sculpted arms. Most of the Heartley men are wearing dress shoes and expensive watches, but Adam is beautifully Adam in his black, white-souled vans and wristful of leather bracelets. A perfect balance of the genteel Southern boy he used to be, and the So-Cal cool rocker he's blossomed into.

I don't know if I can find the balance that Adam achieves effortlessly.

It's not that I don't understand this world he's from—the traditional, close-knit, family. At times in my childhood, I hovered on the edge of this world—depending on the stepmother of the day, of course. How many times as I child did I do this exact same thing—get all dressed up like a doll, meet a new step-mother, sometimes even her family—eerily similar to this.

How many times did I press my face up against the window-pane of the finer life my dad thought she was offering us? But I never felt like I belonged with any of them, because every time I almost got comfortable in their world, it was ripped from underneath me. I got good at smudging the window with my rebellion and walking away, because I knew that even if I was invited inside their world, I wasn't going to be allowed to stay.

It's never only been Adam's love that scared me. It's been this...this world of his. No matter how many times I've walked through a similar life, I've never gotten to stay.

But I'm not smudging the window and walking away this time. I'm gonna sit my ass down at the dinner table and they will have to bodily remove me from their world if they don't fucking like it. Because I belong with Adam, and where ever he is, is where I'm going to be from now on.

As we approach, every one eagerly moves to the dinner table, leaving Adam and I two spaces by Peter and Joely, of course. As Adam pulls out the chair for me, I see that he's sweating. Can't say that I blame him. It's not just that it's August. Adam is definitely in the hot seat, now.

Peter remains standing for grace. I smile at Tyler, whose holding Eli on his lap and folding the baby's hands in prayer as he bounces his son. I nudge Adam to look, and his mouth twitches in a smile but fades as he looks at his mom, who has her head bowed.

Grace is pretty standard—the gratitudes for family, health, prosperity, and the blessing of the meal. Until the end, when the Reverend Heartley hesitates and adds, "Lord, we pray for the souls among us that need uplifting, healing, and understanding. Let us do the work we are called to do as family, in your name..."

The strength of the resounding "Amen" is surprising to me...especially because I hear all of the Soundcrush guys' voices among them, earnest and strong. I look down the table and give my brother a quizzical look, but he only blows me a two-fingered kiss.

Weirdo, I mouth at him, and he smiles and winks at me.

Trace is whispering low to Kat and her face is drawn and serious, listening intently, clearly not liking whatever he's saying, which is even weirder because Trace lives his life trying to make his KitKat hum with happiness and mischief. Don't know what that's about, either.

Then I look at Bodie and to my surprise, he's acting the weirdest of all, trying to communicate with Adam for some reason, with a series of eye wags and headshakes. I look at Adam, who is is glaring at Bodie and nodding up and down, like he's trying to cancel out Bodie's head shake.

"What's going on with the guys?" I murmur against Adam's ear.

He jumps. "What? Who knows?" he murmurs, catching Trace and Kat's serious vibe and leaning forward a little to observe them more.

"Okay then, what's going on with you and Bodie?" I refine.

Adam just shakes his head and shuts down my question by responding to a request from his dad to accept an enormous platter of grilled steak, pork and chicken. The serving of the meal interrupts all conversation for a few moments.

The food is delicious, but it seems that the only two people in this army that don't enjoy the birthday dinner are the woman who prepared most of it and the birthday boy. Adam abandoned his attempt to eat after a couple of forced bites of steak and is now sweating and sipping on a tumbler of Jack and Coke, tapping his fingers nervously on the back of my chair as he does his best to talk to his dad about the farm concerns—I guess he still has a vested interest in the family business, even if his business these days is being a rock star.

Joely hardly touches her food, instead sipping quietly on a glass of wine. Occasionally asking me a polite question about my musical education, the tour, my food preferences-anything that's not personal. I get the feeling that she's trying to be nice, but that it's not coming easy. I don't know if it's me, or if she heard more of Adam's dirty talk than I think she did.

I'm almost positive she opened the door while we were kissing, because I would have noticed before that. If that's the case, I don't think she could have possibly heard those dirty things Adam said, because he was growling them low in my ear before the kiss, with the door closed. So I don't really understand her reaction, to finding us in the pantry.

Okay, maybe it's a little bit naughty to steal a kiss like that, but she can't be that prudish—she's got four children for god's sakes. Not like she didn't get busy in her day. And for her age, she looks youthful and...modern. Surely she's not completely freaked by the idea that her twenty-four year old son has a physical relationship with his girlfriend?

If she does, I hate to tell her...I ain't the first. Not by a long shot. Adam's body count is probably higher than mine. Or at least as high. We spent a lot of time in the last couple of years trying to one-up each other.

No, she has to know that. I can't be the kiss she saw that's made her so disapproving. If it wasn't that...how could what she heard after the kiss have possibly offended her? What did we even say? Something about being ruined for each other...being stone-cold-killers? Just teasing. She couldn't have possibly thought the stone cold killer expression was serious. God, we're heathens, but we're not assassins or drug kingpins or anything.

I'm interrupted from my thoughts by Adam's leg, jerking against me—he's bouncing his foot nervously. I put a hand on his thigh. "You okay?" I ask.

Sweat is trickling down his his temples and throat. "Yeah, great," he grimaces as he swallows more Jack and coke.

Suddenly there's a commotion halfway down the table. Tamara lets out a surprised gasp, and stands up, her hands braced on the table, as she grimaces and grips her stomach.

Ben rises beside her, but Leed is around the table like a shot, pulling back Baylor's chair—with Baylor in it—and stepping up right next to her other side.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," she laughs nervously, looking between them. "It's okay...just a really hard kick. It surprised me, that's all."

Ben grins and puts his hand on her belly at once. "Wow, he's really partying in there." Laughs go around the table.

"Of course he is," Leed grins. "His momma is the funnest chic on the planet. No way he didn't inherit her dance moves."

At which point, Tamara bursts into tears, flinging her arms around him. "Oh Leed, I'm so sorry!"

"It's all good, baby girl," Leed says calmly, patting her back, watching Ben's face carefully, nodding at him in assurance. "How were you supposed to know how to act. Who would? Its a fu—it's a fluked-up situation. "

She pulls back and stares up at Leed. "What?"

"You know," he winks at her, jerking his head at the kids. "Everything has been all fluked up, but we'll get this baby train back on the track—the three of us," he nods at Ben again.

She laughs at him. "Awww, Lee-Lee that's so sweet—you're watching your language in front of the kids, aren't you???" catching his flukin' vibe.

"I am gonna be a dad, after all," he grins at her, "Better start actin' like one. Gotta get some values, you know?"

I burst into laughter—not at Leed—but at the glare Janie is giving my brother. If looks could kill, Leed would be fluked.

Adam leans his head on my shoulder and shakes in silent laughter. I put my hand up to his hair. It's completely drenched.

"Adam, are you sure you're okay?" I ask again.

Before he can answer, the Reverend puts down his drink and say genially, "Wait a minute...Leed is the father of Tamara's baby? How did I miss that?" He's watching the scene with confused amusement, as Tamara takes Leed's hand and tentatively puts it on her stomach to let him feel his son kick. "Ben, man...have you felt this?!?!?" Leed , amazement in his voice. "He's fluking strong as shrap!" Ben grins and puts his hand on Tamara's belly too, kissing her temple and rubbing her back as she tries to stop sobbing for joy.

I'm laughing even harder now as Baylor and Mason mouth Shrap! excitedly to one another across the table.

"Oh you didn't miss it," I tell the Reverend, my eyes darting between him, Adam, Tamara and the two dads, Baylor and Mason, and Janie's fluking death stare. "It's one of those secrets that everyone knows but still pretends to keep from one another."

"Ah!" he says crisply, eyeing his wife with a tender look. "Those I know about."

"So, Leed and Tamara had a long-standing close...friendship," Adam explains, taking another gulp of his drink. "But she broke off the physical part of their relationship when she fell in love with Ben...and there was...a question of timing. Turned out the baby's Leed's but they've all been feeling their way through who will claim paternity. I guess the baby will have three parents, now," Adam says, his eyes approving on Leed. "That's a lot of love," he concludes softly in my ear.

Leed plucks Baylor from his chair and literally tosses the kid across the table to Bodie, in a seat exchange move, so that he can sit by Tamara. Baylor whoops in delight and Mason stands up in his chair, gesturing to Bodie. "Do me, do me!"

"Mason, sit down!" Janie hisses.

I'm watching Tamara, Ben, and Leed's heads close together, in somewhat serious but easy conversation, Leed keeping his hand on Tamara's stomach and Ben putting his arm around the back of Tamara's chair with one hand, the fingers of his other hand tightly enveloped in hers. My instinct that I sometimes get flares, and I know without a doubt that the three of them—no, the four of them—will be just fine.

I burst into tears, putting my head into my hands.

Adam rubs my back, silently, knowing that my tears are joyful, and that I need no real comfort but his touch.

To my surprise, Joely throws her napkin down and says, "I'm sorry, but I just can't stand this!I don't understand...why? Adam, why? Why make this choice?"

"Joely—" Peter says quietly. "Now is not the time."

I feel Adam's hand curl in tension against my back. He swears. "You know, don't you?" he asks his mother.

Silence.

"We do," his father confirms.

"How? How do you know?" Adam looks at his parents, and then raises his voice as he stares down the table. "How?"

I look at his parents through my fingers, realization of what Adam is saying breaking through my sobs. They know. I don't know how, but somehow they already know about Babycakes. I look down the long table, and all the adults faces have the same knowing expression. Even Leed and Trace and Bodie and Kat.

Oh my god. They all know.

And they all look extremely...sad.

Regretful. Unhappy.

Peter nods solemnly and puts a hand on Adam's shoulder.

"It's a hard thing son. I...I don't pretend to understand...but I'm sorry you've been put in this position."

Adam brushes his father's arm away and rises "Are you kidding me?" He looks down the table, seeing the same regret I see. "Are you fucking kidding me? This is how you all are gonna react?" he yells at no one in particular, but I think it's mostly directed to Trace and Leed.

"Adam," I claw at his arm. "Adam, it's okay. It's a shock to everyone. Sit down."

He slings my hand off and strides away from the table, toward a massive old shade tree, where fireflies are rising in the twilight. I look down the table at all the faces. I feel the blood draining from my face...but I won't freak and run. Instead, I rise calmly and follow Adam. He needs me.

I always expected his family and the guys would react this way. I knew what trouble our choice was going to bring. He didn't see it. All Adam sees is love.

Right now, all I see is love as I walk toward him. I don't care what anyone at that table thinks. All I care about is the heart standing beneath that tree and the life we made inside me.

He's leaning against the tree, his face turned from me, breathing heavy. He's gripping his jaw, or scratching his beard, or doing something weird and impatient with his hand at his face, but he drops the hand at his face when I slide in front of him, his back against the tree.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," his eyes look wild and angry, but he pulls me too him, clutching my head against his chest. He's shaking with anger.

After a long moment, I pull back. "It's okay. I'm okay. You're okay. Babycakes is okay. It doesn't matter if they think this is not okay. They'll get over it."

"Fuck. Them." Adam growls. "Fuck. Them. All."

"No, Adam," I shake my head, tears falling, "They're family...it will work itself out. Like Tamara and Ben and Leed. They'll come around..."

I move to kiss his lips lightly, but he jerks his head away. At first I think he's too angry to be touched but then...I see it. That look in his eyes. That look that makes my skin crawl and my throat tighten.

"Adam, what did you do?" I say as I back away, in shock. My back hits the tree.

Always, always, my back against the wall. I close my eyes. "What did you do?" I say again.

Adam curses. "Shorty—" He tries to touch my face, and I slap his hand away, and shove him.

"Fuck Adam!?!?!? Come on!!!! Are you stupid!!!!" I scream at him, and I reach out, jabbing him in the lower right gut. He doubles in pain. "What did you do!?!??!?!" I yell again. "Fucking tell me!!!"

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the kids being directed in the house, by Luke and Peyton. The other adults are rising, but anchored to the table by their propriety. Leed, Bodie and Trace are loping toward us.

"Macaroni," Leed calls, "Take a breath, Sweet girl. Just breathe..."

"Fuck you, Leed!" I shout, "Stay the fuck away from me!" I hold out a warning hand. "Did you give it to him? What was it?"

"Mac, calm down," Adam says through gritted teeth, as Trace and Bodie and Leed circle us. SCIC and Adam's family is drifting from the table now too, but staying back.

I grab Adam's hand—the one he'd had in his mouth a minute ago, and I pull his index finger into my own mouth. The bitter, instantly numbing residual hits my tongue before he can jerk his hand away from me.

"Cocaine!?!?" I shout at him. "You're rubbing cocaine on your gums, is that it? You fucking idiot, Adam!!!"

I spin, finding Bodie, leaping at him and slapping him hard. "It was you, wasn't it!?!?! No one else would be stupid enough to get Adam cocaine just because he asked for it. Everyone else would know that something was really fucking wrong, if Adam wanted coke!"

Bodie doesn't respond to my slap at all, he just lowers his head, and looks at Adam with a small shake. "I told him, not too much...just a whiff...but...he's in a bad way...you're both in a bad way...I'm so sorry, Mac...I was just trying to be a friend..."

"Mac..." Adam growls but his voice is almost pleading, "Baby please...calm down...I was just trying to get us through this dinner...I swear...that's all...please calm down before you hurt yourself..."

"Shut-up, Adam!" I snap. I round on Ben. "Go get a fucking truck! Now! We're leaving!"

Leed takes me by the shoulders. "Baby girl, you're not going anywhere. You need to breathe...you're not making any sense...I know you're upset...I know what happened in Utopia is pushin' you hard right now..."

"Utopia? What the fuck does that have to do with this?" I fling a hand at Adam who is holding his side where I punched him, and trying to catch his breath.

"He's hurting too." Joely comes forward, breaking in front of Leed. "I'm sorry MacKenna, I know this is a personal thing, but you can't expect us to stay out of it when Adam is..." she turns to him, putting a hand on his face, looking in his eyes. "Adam...what are thinking, Son? Drugs are not the way to cope with this grief. You need support, and forgiveness, and healing, not drugs."

"Grief? What?" he says, looking from her to his dad. He pulls her hand gently away. "Forgiveness and grief? What are you talking about. We are glad! This is not a bad thing!!!"

"Adam, it's a bad thing if you need drugs to cope with the regret," Brett says quietly.

"Okay, y'all need to back off Adam," Trace says. "This is a head trip for him and being here multiplies it by..." Trace gestures around, counting on his fingers and giving up, "shit...by however many of y'all there are. He needed a boost to get through tonight, is all. Adam doesn't drug. Like, hardly ever," he says, echoing Bodie's sentiments. "Anybody would need a little help, going through what they've been through, today."

I gawk at Trace, "No Trace, that's just you and your fucked up commitment issues. Are you guys not listening to me? Adam doing coke has nothing to do with the baby!"

There's a murmur of shock that goes around the circle of Adam's family.

Leed takes a slow step towards me. "Mac...Baby Girl...it doesn't help to think of it like that. Not anymore. You did what you thought was right...you can't let yourself regret it now. Come on inside. Let's get you...and maybe Adam...some Twilight. Y'all need to just rest...and heal..."

"Twilight?" I repeat.

He nods. "Baby girl, I know. I saw it in your purse. I know. I know everything."

The way he's looking at me, with such compassion, understanding, and worry...oh.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

FUCK! I GET IT!!!!

It all makes sense now. The reluctance in Adam's mom and sisters. The strange add-on to the blessing. Joely's reaction to the comments she overheard us making in the pantry.

That we are ruined. That we are stone-cold-killers. They think we did something we regret. They are worried about Adam.

I put my hands over my face. For a long moment.

"Mac..." Adam is putting a hand on my shoulder. "Mac...girl...talk to me...are you okay?"

I swat his hand away. "Don't fucking touch me Adam! I am so pissed at you right now."

I glare at him, and he nods. "I know. I'm sorry. I know that coke is a hard no for you...I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have gotten some oxy or something...I just needed some fast pain relief."

"Coke is not why I am pissed!" I shout at him. "I am pissed because you are an idiot! This is serious, Adam! You can't ignore this."

He shakes his head... "I'm not an idiot...I was trying to get through dinner. After you got to bed, I was gonna go. So you wouldn't insist on coming with me."

I stare at him in disbelief. He was going to sneak away to the hospital. So that I don't have to go to a place that might trigger my PTSD. I can not fucking believe him. He thinks I'm that...fragile. It makes me furious.

"That just makes it worse, Adam! Ugggggghhhhhh!" I scream at him. He shakes his head at me. He doesn't see it like that.

"I think we are missing some crucial information, here," Peter says, stepping forward. "Let's stop yelling and cursin' and start talking, all right?"

I turn in a circle, looking at the faces...ranging from compassion to anguish to confusion. "Fine! I'll talk. Let me clear it up for all of you: I'M PREGNANT!" I yell.

"Twelve Weeks Pregnant! With this idiot's kid! We're having a baby!" I jab him again in the side.He  yelps and bends over.

"We went to Uptopia last night for my first prenatal check-up, because for some insane reason we decided to have the baby in Nashville. So you asshats could all be a part of it!" I yell at his family.

"My doctor-slash-midwife told Adam he has appendicitis, but he's in denial about it. She gave him some sedatives to get him through a night's sleep, but this dumbass—" I poke at Adam again, "Apparently decided he'd coke up to push through until his appendix bursts and he fucking dies!"

"And this idiot—" I poke at Leed, "Must have seen the herbal sedatives Sidney gave Adam, and mistook them for the drugs she gives women who come for abortions." I glare at Leed. His face is paling. Yep. I'm right.

"And I'm guessing you idiots" I stomp towards Bodie and Trace "we're probably gossiping about the whole thing with Leed, and some of these gossipy asshats—" I slung a hand at Adam's family "overheard you and they've been thinking all day that Adam and I got rid of the baby, too!"

"Those fluking little snitches!" Leed exclaims.

"Yeah." Trace growls in solidarity, looking around,  probably for those two little shits that ratted us out for cursing. "Don't they know snitches get stitches?"

"Shut-up!" I growl at them. Then I glare around at Adam's family. "So let me sum up for you. Me—having a baby. Happy about it.  This idiot—" I jab at Adam again, "also happy about it, but in severe need of emergency surgery!"

Joely looks from me to Adam and back to me. She smiles at me...the first genuine smile I've seen from her today. "Congratulations. I'm sorry for all the confusion, but we'll have to apologize, and congratulate you properly later."

I nod at her. Of course. We have bigger concerns right now..namely her idiot son that is trying to kill himself.

Joely feels exactly as I do. She turns to her son and glares at him. "Adam, what in the hell is wrong with you?"

"Mama, I'm fine...let's finish dinner and then..." he sighs in exasperation, but she slaps him on the shoulder.

"Be quiet, Adam."

"You just asked me a question!" he complains like a six-year old.

"It.Was.Rhetorical!!!" she hisses. "Right now, you do what MacKenna tells you to, because if she's the mother of your baby and you are in love like you say you are, she's your life partner, your helpmate when you are too sick, or in your case, too idiotic to take care of yourself!"

She looks at me to say what we both know. "He needs to go to the hospital. Now," I state firmly.

His mother whirls into action. "Peter..."

"I've got him," Peter says, stepping up beside Adam, bracing Adam's shoulder.

"Luke, bring a truck down here. Alex and Janie, see what you can salvage from the dinner...Brett tell Tyler and Peyton they'll need to handle the children...you should come with us..."

Peter shakes his head at his son. "Adam, sit down before you fall down, son."

"Dad, I can walk to the damn car..." Adam complains, but he doesn't walk. He just stands there, holding his stomach and his head. "Dammit, I hate cocaine. I think I overdid it with that second rub." He turns, leans against the tree, and vomits.

"Goddammit!" I hiss. "Trace!"

"I got him," Trace steps up, throwing Adam's arm over his shoulder before Adam slides down the tree.

I whirl into action, too, marshaling my own troops. "Bodie..." I plead. If any of us know what to do in an overdose situation it's him. Bodie steps up, prying open Adam's eyes. "He's alright. I mean...he's a lightweight. I don't think he's taken too much to be dangerous...Whoa!" he steps back as Adam vomits again.

I fight the urge to slap Adam while he vomits. I am so mad at him right now. But he's sick, really sick, so I'll have to fight with him later. ""Riley—"

"Already got Dawes on the line, Love. He'll meet us with the hospital and smooth over the drug use issue," he says, "Marcy will be my next call."

"Kat, will you go find Adam's wallet? Leed—"

I stop as a turn toward Leed and take in his pale expression. "Leed," I say with a sigh.

He swallows painfully, "You're having a baby?" he asks in disbelief.

I smile at him, "You think I could let you get that far ahead of me? You know how competitive I am."

He lets out one sharp laugh. "True. But...Macaroni..."

"I know," I whisper, stepping close to hug him. "It's fucking scary. But right now, it's not as scary as this," I look at him, willing him to understand.

Hospitals. I fucking hate hospitals. This is the real reason that Adam has been doing anything and everything he could to delay the inevitable. The fucking idiot did this because of me. He didn't want to put me under the double pressure of dealing with his army of a family and a trigger for my PTSD at the same time.

But apparently, some things are inevitable. Because we are headed to the one place where I may not able to stay strong for Adam. Leed understands. He nods, and slides his hand down to take mine.  "It's okay. We got you. We all got you. Both of you."

I hope so.

Well, it seems Adam's birthday weekend it not turning out as planned! Thoughts on the dinner? On Adam's way of troubleshooting this problem? On Mac's reaction?  On Joely's? What will happen at the hospital?