3.31. Feeling of Truth

Sae Itoshi sighed.

He sat back on the sofa, head leaning back till he found himself staring at the ceiling. Outside, the storm raged on.

His TV was open to the news. It didn't really matter what news channel he turned it to, because every single one was covering the same event.

An apartment block had caught on fire, at 5:30p.m. And six hours later, at 11:30, it was still burning. Live cameras surrounded the scene, some from helicopters in the sky, others on the ground where hundreds of law enforcement officers and medical personnel were working. Despite the incredible storm, one of the most violent ones Tokyo had seen in a long time, the deluge of rain couldn't put it out.

Victim reports were still coming in. Hundreds injured, many dead. Quite a few were missing, probably somewhere under the smouldering rubble. Sae barely listened to the news report, staring up at the ceiling.

"Currently, preliminary examination of debris reveals that it is likely to be a purposeful attack. There is no natural way that the building would burn for so long, so brightly. Even if the entire building was filled with cooking oil, it would only go for an hour at most." A police officer on the scene.

"We're currently looking into the possibility of it being a terrorist attack, as that is the most likely cause. No organisation has stepped up to take responsibility." The man had to speak loud to be heard over the storm. "But rest assured, we will find the culprit. As I speak, the mayor of Tokyo is meeting with military officials, to gather only the best agents."

It was puzzling, for sure. An unprovoked attack, in the middle of Japan's capital city? Sae couldn't be bothered to think of why, though.

There was a knock at his door.

Sae frowned. He tiredly picked himself up from the sofa, walking to the door. "Who is it?"

No response. Sae gripped the door handle and unlocked the door. He looked through the peephole.

Y/N L/N stood there.

Sae's penthouse only had a small lobby area. After taking the elevator to the top floor, which required a security card to activate, mind you, visitors would emerge into a small, dimly lit room. That was the only way to access Sae's apartment.

Sae's eyes widened. Without another moment's pause, he yanked the door wide open. "Y/N."

The small boy looked like he'd been through a war. His hair stuck to his face, completely soaked through. Dark shadows formed circles under and around his eyes. His lips were purple with cold, and his skin was pale with either illness or shock. His eyes welled with tears.

His shirt and trousers were patchy, black burns covering the fabric. They were just as soaked through, clinging to Y/N's frame. On his hands, Sae spotted a red, inflamed burn mark. From head to toe, he was shaking.

Sae was momentarily speechless. Y/N glanced up at him with blank eyes. "Hi, Sae." He spoke quietly. "Can I come in?"

Sae took a deep breath. "Yeah," he breathed. "Yeah, come in." He stood to the side, holding the door open as Y/N staggered into the room.

The boy looked sorrowfully at the water he was dripping onto the floor. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Sae murmured. He looked Y/N's battered body up and down, and moistened his lips. "What happened...?"

Y/N shrugged. "I pissed someone off."

"Someone did this to you?" Sae incredulously said. "On purpose?"

"No, by accident." Y/N scoffed quietly. He didn't meet Sae's eyes, staring at the floor. One hand crossed across his torso, holding onto the elbow of his other arm.

Sae had no clue on what to do. But he reached out a tentative hand. "Do you want to get out of those wet clothes? You'll catch a cold."

On cue, Y/N sneezed. He rubbed at his nose, hand shaking like a leaf in the wind. He didn't move. Sae shook his head. Then he froze, and turned to the TV. "We're now speaking with one of the residents of the apartment. Shun, what is your reaction to the destruction of your home?"

"Y/N..." Sae's blood ran cold. Burn marks. Drenched in rain. Looking like someone had just ripped his heart out of his chest. "Were you..." He trailed off. Y/N looked towards the TV for a second, swallowing. The question was clear. Were you there?

Y/N nodded bitterly. "My apartment is there." He quietly said. "Was there."

Oh.

Sae took a step closer to Y/N. Y/N took a half step away. Sae took another step. Again, Y/N moved a half step away, not daring to even look at his face. "Y/N." He gently said.

"No."

"Y/N." Sae went closer again. This time, the small boy didn't move away.

"Don't." Y/N warned, but with a shaky voice.

"Y/N." Sae finally reached him, resting one hand on his shoulder.

Y/N's eyes grew glassier. He whispered. "Please." But he didn't know what he was asking for.

Sae grasped his shoulders with both hands, gently, softly. He let his hands fall to Y/N's back, one arm around his shoulder blades, the other across the small of his back. Then he tugged the boy close, into a hug. "It's okay."

He didn't care that his shirt was also soaking wet now. He didn't care about the water dripping onto the floor. He whispered into Y/N's ear. He didn't tell him that it was all going to be okay - Sae didn't know if it would. Instead, whenever he said those two words, he meant something very different.

"It's okay to cry."

Sae couldn't see Y/N's face. But he heard the soft sob louder than a scream. He guided Y/N's head to lean against his shoulder, hand gently running down the back of his hair.

Y/N stilled.

In that moment, everything came to a head. Every single little thing, since the first moment of the Neo Egoist League. Losing to Loki. Losing to Noa. His unhealthy attitude towards soccer finally showing. Feeling like nothing, feeling completely without worth. Returning to Ascension, being betrayed by one of his parents and saved by the other, escaping, and finally, his home being razed.

Y/N broke down properly.

He didn't try to hold everything back like he had before, shaking with pure emotion. Pure trauma.

Because from the start, he'd been subjected to a kind of life that nobody should've had to go through. Being the winner of Ascension, forced to endure a two year hell. Slowly regaining some control, slowly healing, then being hit by a Bluelock project that just refreshed his memory, brought those memories of his past back.

And then... seeing the new Ascension. A completely illegal project, hidden from the outside world and filled to the brim with criminals, psychopaths, and victims.

Sae had never been good at feelings. When he was younger, he'd been a little better. But then Spain came, La Real came, and he'd realised there was no room for feelings in his world.

He'd stripped himself of as many emotions as he could, forced himself to think logically about everything. If he'd let himself feel properly, the world would've hurt him beyond repair. Everything that had happened to him there would've destroyed him. He'd been forced to become an iron man, with a tough shell.

Y/N was just an example of someone who'd never learnt how to protect himself from everything. He'd been hurt worse than anyone else, and he'd let himself feel every single little thing. Sae couldn't understand it, but what he did know was that if that was what Y/N wanted, if he wanted to continue feeling emotions, then Sae would let him.

And Sae would be the one to protect him.

"Shh..." He quietly muttered. "Shh..." One hand cupped the back of Y/N's head. The other rubbed gentle circles around his spine.

Y/N hiccuped. "I-I'm sorry..."

"Don't be." Sae said again.

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be."

"I-" Y/N's voice broke. Sae didn't look down at him, simply holding the smaller boy. He didn't know what to say... but maybe his presence would be enough. Hopefully, it would be enough. "Thank you."

His voice was tired, so tired. Y/N's voice was laced with fear, filled with loneliness, and topped with helplessness. The thing that Sae noticed wasn't any of those, but rather, the overwhelming sadness that Y/N carried in every single word. He'd been hurt too much.

"Don't thank me."

"Thank you." Y/N repeated weakly anyway. He let out a quiet scoff, speaking into Sae's shoulder. "It always feels like I'm thanking you. Thanking someone. It never feels enough."

"Hmm?" Sae hummed questioningly. He stopped rubbing circles, transitioning to running his hand up and down Y/N's back instead.

"I- I don't know." Y/N sighed. "I can't repay everyone. People help me and help me again and all I give back to them is anger, fear, and- I don't even trust them...! All I do is thank them..."

Sae's teal eyes looked down, grazing along Y/N's neck. The boy's head didn't move from his shoulder. He sighed.

"Who says they want to be repaid?"

Y/N stilled. There was a silence, as he considered what Sae had said. "I-I don't understand."

"Nobody's asking to be paid back." Sae whispered. "You don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe them a thank you, you don't owe them a 'repayment'. Nobody does things for you to give them back, Y/N."

Y/N drew his head back from Sae's shoulder. Tears drying under confused eyes, he swallowed. "What...?" His voice was so, so quiet.

"You think I do things for you to pay me back?" Sae scoffed. "You aren't a fucking business transaction, Y/N. When people help you, they help you because they want to. Stop saying thank you, stop feeling you need to owe me something."

Y/N didn't breathe. He stared at Sae with wide, shocked eyes.

"Don't be sorry." Sae insisted. "If you really want to repay me, then live." He pulled back from the hug, pressing his knuckles into Y/N's heart. Y/N stared down at Sae's hand, one of his own resting on the other man's wrist.

"Live...?" Y/N echoed. "I don't- I don't get it."

"I'm fully aware of that." Sae muttered. "You have a past. But you don't have to just have a past. Don't live for someone else. Don't live for someone else's dream, for someone else's torture, don't think about what you don't want to. Live for what you want, do the things you truly like, and that'll be repayment enough."

Y/N finally breathed. Sae removed his hand, letting them fall to his sides. "I'll get you some clothes, stand here."

Y/N nodded. His mouth opened to thank Sae again, but Sae shook his head. "Don't thank me." He headed for the thermostat, cranking up the temperature before jogging up the stairs.

Sae moved fast. All the clothes he'd bought Y/N still hung in his wardrobe - he'd never bothered to move them. He grabbed a full set of clothing, heading back down the stairs to a stunned Y/N. In the warmth of the penthouse, he was recovering slightly, skin gradually regaining some colour.

He shoved the clothes and a towel at Y/N. "Dry off, get changed."

Y/N hesitantly accepted the clothes, uncertain eyes staring at Sae. "Don't you want to know what happened?"

Sae cocked his head. "Yes. But are you going to tell me?"

He'd never told anyone before. Y/N hesitated.

Then he nodded slowly.

Feeling his chest lighten just a bit, Sae hummed. "Good. But, after you get changed." He headed back upstairs, leaving Y/N to himself. "I'm going to clean up your room a bit."

Y/N stood there, surprised for a full second before he snapped himself out of his daze. Sae's letting me stay...?

🥕🥕🥕

Sae came back down to find a dry Y/N stood in the puddle of his wet clothes. He blinked. "What are you doing?"

"I..." Y/N looked down at his feet. "Don't really know." He admitted.

There was a soft exhale from Sae. It could've been a laugh. He tossed a pile of towels on the floor, not bothering to clean up the water properly. "Dry your feet. Come here."

Y/N did what Sae asked. He sat on a sofa, Sae sitting on another opposite to him. The man raised an eyebrow. "So?"

"So." Y/N muttered.

"I want to hear it from the start." Sae quietly said. "The very start."

Y/N's lips parted with surprise.

He hadn't told anyone about it all.

Yes, some people knew fragments. Loki knew about Ascension. Rin knew about his nightmares. But Y/N had never managed to trust anyone fully, never managed to tell everything. He'd been terrified that if he did, they'd be... disappointed. Disgusted.

But Sae had asked to hear it - to hear it all. Y/N moistened his lips nervously. "The... very start?"

"Before Ascension." Sae gently said. "Up until... whatever just happened."

"It's a long story."

"We've got time."

And so Y/N talked.

He talked about the things he remembered as a young child, the arguments his parents used to have. Then, the memories of Ascension, finding Julian, gaining friends, then eliminating them.

"It was... almost mercy, you know?" Y/N murmured. "I had to win - I wanted to win. Because if I didn't, then my friends would all have to stay there. By winning, I could free them from Ascension. I never really played because I wanted the win, I wanted my friends to be free."

And by doing that, you sacrificed yourself. Sae thought. You continued playing so that they wouldn't have to.

After, Y/N talked about the final days of Ascension. And finally getting back to his apartment, two years older. He talked about nightmares, about getting used to normal society, about slowly trying to forget about it all. And then Bluelock. Meeting so many new people, making friends, beating friends, and slowly watching them grow as players.

Then the U-20 game. Finally overcoming his fears of Kuroi, losing the game, and enjoying - really enjoying his life for a few weeks. Then the NEL, slowly realising that he wasn't strong enough, slowly bottling everything up. And then the break, going to his parents for help, begging Kuroi to let him back into the project, only to be damaged even more.

Y/N's eyes were growing teary by this point, his voice weaker. He looked so incredibly tired, but he forced himself to keep going, talking to Sae. He spoke about what he'd seen there, his father saving him, running to Bluelock and just continuing on. He was lost, so lost on what to do.

And then Kuroi must've found his house. And that was where Y/N finally stopped, throat hoarse, eyes anxiously scanning the room and not looking at Sae.

Sae blinked. "Wow."

"Yeah." Y/N awkwardly said. He didn't like the feeling of truth, he'd decided. It made him feel... wrong. Vulnerable. "Wow."

Y/N's eyes were growing heavy. He leant back into the sofa. The past weeks, he'd barely gotten any sleep, what with all the stress. Sae noticed, leaning forwards and speaking softly. "Thank you for telling me."

Y/N laughed quietly. "Don't thank me." He closed his eyes. "I should say thank you."

Then he was sleeping, comfortable to be so vulnerable around Sae. The midfielder shook his head. Then he walked over, slipping one arm under Y/N's knees, the other supporting his shoulders. Y/N's head lolled against his chest.

Sae made for the stairs, lifting Y/N into the same bed he'd used before the U-20 game.

"Don't thank me either."