38. Loki

Y/N had thought he was ready. He'd foolishly thought he was prepared, eating his breakfast fast and hoping it'd go down before the match started.

They'd done the warmups as a team. While they weren't that good together, with Rin and Y/N bickering at every opportunity, Rin and Isagi fighting each other in their heads for the ball, and Bachira finding opportunities everywhere to karate chop people in the head, they weren't bad.

Isagi and Rin could link up and... not work together, but use each other in the twisted way only two egoists could. Y/N heard Isagi refer to it as 'devouring', but there was no way he was going to bring himself to say that.

Bachira dished out good passes all the time, dribbling well, and he'd evolved to the point where he could challenge Rin and Isagi, push them beyond their own boundaries and make them work harder. Aryu paired well with him, able to receive all high passes well, as well as being a defensive anchor.

So, Y/N had thought he was ready. He'd laced up his shoes, taking deep breaths as they did some basic stretches. He'd put a confident, excited smile on his face, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth.

He'd laughed with the rest of them as they prepared, he'd talked with them as they discussed strategies and their opponents. One of the major advantages they had, Aryu pointed out, was that they already knew a little bit about the World Five's strengths and abilities. On the other hand, they knew nothing.

Y/N had stood up with a skip in his step, ready to face his childhood best friend again. He'd been ready.

So why, as soon as he walked onto the pitch, as soon as he spotted a flash of dark skin, and a glimpse of honey-brown eyes, had his knees buckled and he'd collapsed to the floor. The field was normal as ever - just, he was there.

He hit the ground in an undignified manner, nose first as his arms shot out to catch himself. Isagi and Bachira were immediately by his side, the latter grabbing onto his shoulders to keep him from hurting himself. "Jeez, Y/N. Nervous, much?"

"Not at all." Y/N managed. "Just..." Wanting to be sick. Wanting to hide in a corner and cry. Wanting to be anywhere but here. He chose not to continue.

"It's that Loki guy, isn't it?"

Y/N immediately glanced up with surprise, face reddening. He didn't notice how fast his heart was beating just at the mention of the name. He stammered, wide eyes staring at Bachira. "W-what?!"

Bachira just grinned. "Am I right?"

"I..." Y/N hesitated. "Guess so..."

"What's up with you and him? Yesterday, when you saw his image, you looked pretty messed up. I did notice that, by the way." He helped to lift Y/N to his feet, gently. "Past lovers?"

Y/N nearly choked on his saliva. "No!" He sighed. "We knew each other when we were kids. Childhood best friend."

Humming with thought, Bachira nodded once. "Mkay. Well, still time to be friends again!" Bachira tugged Y/N towards the centre of the pitch, giggling like a young kid.

Julian was standing in the middle of the field, alongside the other four members of the World Five. They all wore white jerseys, chatting between themselves. They looked perfectly at ease in the Bluelock environment, smiles all round.

Gradually, they noticed Team Red coming onto the field, Y/N basically being held upright by Bachira. The bumblebee boy was grinning like a madman, waving to Loki as he lugged Y/N into the field. "Yoohoo! Mr French!"

Once Y/N realised what Bachira's intent was, the blush spread from his face, all the way up to his ears and bloomed down his neck. He squirmed out of Bachira's grip, mortally embarrassed as he stumbled a little and barely managed to stay standing. He didn't dare look over at the World Five, though. My heart would implode.

"What's up with him?" Rin and Aryu walked right past, Rin giving him a cool stare as he went around him. Despite his odd behaviour the night before, throughout the morning he'd acted like normal - cold, uncaring, and calm. Y/N wouldn't forget what he'd done for him, though.

Aryu shrugged slowly. "I believe only Bachira can answer that question."

The said boy chased after Y/N as he tried to run away, smiling widely. "Where are you going? Don't you wanna see your friend?"

"Bachira, cut it out!" Y/N hushed, despite speaking very loudly himself. "I can't just walk up to him!"

"Why not?!" Bachira countered, attempting to pull him back to the rest of the players. "You're playing soccer against him, not proposing!"

"Bachira!" Y/N screamed with embarrassment. He fought back, trying to get away from the persistent, giggling boy. Bachira latched onto his waist, laughing.

He heard Rin's voice. "Y/N, Bachira, you're causing a scene. I want to start the match, so stop with this nonsense."

In a way, the cold, harsh tones snapped Y/N back to reality, as he realised that literally everyone in the room was staring at him. Dada Silva, Adam Blake, Pablo Cavazos, Leonardo Luna, Isagi, Rin, Aryu, and Julian. Every single one of them had their eyes on him.

"Ugh." Y/N lowered his head, his neck feeling like it was on fire with how hard he was blushing. He sighed, a draining, throaty sound.

Then he heard it.

"Wait..."

That was another voice. A quiet, thoughtful one, turning up at the end. He was speaking in English, but the light French accent made the W sound more like a V. Y/N knew the voice well. It didn't come from Bachira, but rather, from the group of players in the centre of the pitch.

"Did you say Y/N?" Y/N dared to look up. Loki - no, Julian - was staring at him with an intensity he hadn't seen in years. His entire body froze under the other's gaze, fearful, worried eyes meeting Julian's gold ones.

"Wait..." Julian drew out, eyes widening. "L/N?!"

He took steps towards Y/N, beginning to run before he hesitated. He paused as he studied him. Y/N groaned at the attention, burying his face in his palms. He mumbled a quiet response. "Yep, hi."

He didn't know how hard Julian's heart was thumping. Or how he physically couldn't take his eyes off Y/N. They stood there in silence.

"Do you remember me?" Finally, Julian asked quietly. He took a cautious step towards Y/N, who was still dying of embarrassment. "From-"

"Yeah."

Y/N's voice was quiet, shy. He grumbled. "Of course I do, how could I forget?"

Even though Y/N couldn't see it, Julian smiled genuinely, eyes lighting up. He walked towards Y/N, closing the distance faster in a much more relaxed manner. "I thought you'd forgotten me."

There was no response. Julian's eyes shone with emotion. "Is it actually you? It's been so long... and I haven't talked to you in a while. I really, really missed you, Y/N..."

A long silence. Julian moved all the way up to Y/N, reaching out a hand. "Y/N?"

And then the silence broke.

Y/N suddenly took his hands away from his face. His face was no longer red with blush, but rather anger as his fingers curled into fists. He spun, looking up at Loki as he yelled. "I thought you'd forgotten me!"

Everyone else just watched on silently. Y/N didn't care. Chest heaving, eyes brimming with tears that had formed out of nowhere, Y/N shouted. "Six years! You left me for six years!"

"I'm sorry." Julian sighed, the smile disappearing. His eyes flashed with hurt, and guilt. Y/N didn't seem to care, his voice steadily raising as he ranted.

"You didn't even call me! You didn't visit, or message, or even send a letter!" Y/N cried, eyes narrowed. "You just disappeared! I... you just vanished!"

"Y/N, we didn't even have phones." Julian logically pointed out, wincing. "I am sorry, though. I should've come to visit."

"Damn right you should've!" Y/N yelled. "What were you thinking?! Leaving me alone with him. Kuroi was bad enough when there were a thousand kids, can you imagine him one-on-one?! Jules, it was hell, it was worse than hell! I can't... you left me with him!"

Julian pursed his lips, swallowing nervously. He just chose to remain quiet, shielding the emotional Y/N from the rest of the players by standing in between them. He wasn't going to let anyone see him like this, even if they could hear him.

Though, the use of his old nickname had his heart warming, even as the guilt worsened.

The boy's heart was pounding in his ears as he looked down at Y/N with a gentle, regretful gaze. He'd never expected to find him here. And this was how they would meet again... Though, it was his fault. Julian could accept that much.

"A-and you promised!" Y/N didn't care how petty he sounded, he didn't care how weak he sounded. He couldn't quite meet Julian's eyes, voice shaking with vulnerability. "You promised to stay with me! To h-help me, and care a-about me!"

He drew in a trembling, shallow breath. His skin was blotched with red, eyes watery. "But then you went off to play for a stupid French team! You chose them over me!"

The reality that Y/N didn't know, was Julian didn't have a choice. The only reason he'd been allowed to go to Japan to participate in the Ascension program. The French government never intended for him to stay there. He swallowed. He should've tried harder to stay. So much harder. Seeing Y/N like this, knowing he'd been holding this back for years on end, it was heart-wrenching.

"I know." Julian hung his head in shame. "Sorry."

"Did you even care about me?" Y/N cried. His entire body was tensed up, defensive as a wounded animal. "You just disappeared! I was so worried about you! And then you kept me waiting for that long?! If I didn't come to Bluelock, would you have even looked for me?!"

"I would've." Julian swore. "I did." And he had. He'd got people to search through housing after housing in Tokyo, looking for any record of Y/N's name. But he hadn't found a thing. Y/N was a little too good at staying under the radar.

"Do you know how long I hoped you would come back?" Y/N's voice broke. "I hoped for years. I waited for years. I walked outside the French embassy, I kept going back to the Ascension facility, I kept seeing people like you in the crowd, but it was never you..."

Julian inhaled sharply. His own eyes threatened to spill over, but he clenched his teeth and forced himself to breathe slowly. He needed to be here for Y/N, more than anything else. He couldn't let himself cry. "I..."

Y/N choked back a sob. "I really thought we were friends, you know?" His voice overflowed with hurt and bitterness. "You were my first friend... I thought I meant something to you! My bad, right? 'Cause I shouldn't have expected someone to care about me. I was an idiot, thinking someone like me deserved at least a goodbye."

Julian's eyes widened. Instinctively, he rushed to comfort. "Y-Y/N, don't talk about yourself like that-"

Y/N paused, drawing in a long, shaky breath. He met Julian's eyes, his own shimmering with tears. Aside from him, the room was completely silent as the rest of the players let him talk. He didn't even notice them, completely focused on his childhood friend.

"I hate you."

Y/N made an attempt to still sound angry, but it came out more as a sniff. "I hate you! I'll never forgive you!"

Julian sighed. "That's okay." He didn't say anything else - he didn't know what to say. At all. He expected Y/N to turn, leave him. And he would let it happen. A fitting punishment for himself, in a way.

But what he didn't expect Y/N to practically throw himself at him, colliding in a rough, slightly painful embrace as the smaller boy wrapped his arms around Julian.

He held on so tightly it was difficult for him to breathe, but he just took it, embracing Y/N right back as the smaller boy sobbed into his jersey. Julian tried his best to not cry along with him, rubbing small, gentle circles on his back. "I hate you, I hate you!" Even as he yelled that, Julian knew he didn't mean it one bit.

He allowed himself the smallest, faintest of smiles. Even if Y/N hated him, it was okay. Because he was going to try his best to make it up to him. "That's okay. I'm sorry."

"Not okay..." Y/N's fingers gripped Julian's shirt almost desperately.

"I'm sorry." Julian repeated. "I missed you." He didn't try to soothe Y/N, nor did he try to cheer him up. He just let him get out all of his anger, all of his pain, all of his loneliness.

Because after two years of trauma, and six years of isolation, there was a lot of it.

"Don't leave me again..." Y/N whispered with a ragged voice. "Please."

"I'm staying in Japan after this." Julian swore. He held the smaller boy ever tighter, even though neither of them could breathe. "I'll wait for you to win this. And if you do ever get a break from here, I'll give Ego Jinpachi my contact information. Call me."

"You better pick up..." Y/N murmured into his chest. He didn't think he could handle being left again. "I'm too weak for you to go again."

The minute that they'd been hugging, Y/N was slowly calming down. The tears were still coming, just a little bit slower. His breathing was steadily returning to normal. Neither of them moved.

Julian shook his head, his voice quiet and calm as ever. Compared to Y/N's constant rushes of emotion that practically defined his ever-changing personality, he was the opposite. He was calm, able to express himself in a more measured way. Even if he was blinking back tears. Even if he was drowning in guilt at what he'd put Y/N through.

"Y/N." Julian replied sternly. "Who told you you're weak?"

"I am..." Y/N's grip on his torso had loosened just a bit, though he still held on like his life depended on it. "I can't get over it, Jules. I keep thinking it's gone away, but I can't get away from that place. I can't trust. I can't live properly. I'm too weak to move on."

"But you're still living. That's something." Julian suddenly lowered his voice, speaking to Y/N and only Y/N. He was already quiet, but now even Y/N had to strain to hear. "You're the strongest person I know. You've been through so much, and I'm just ashamed I wasn't there to help you."

"I'm so tired, Jules..."

"I know." Loki affectionately rubbed the top of Y/N's head. "You up for the game? I'll tell everyone to cancel it if you don't want to."

Y/N raised his head carefully. He hesitated. Even though he was a mess, physically and emotionally, he managed a tiny smile, lips barely moving up. "I kind of wanted to test myself against you..."

"Same, to be honest." Julian's smile grew larger upon seeing Y/N's. In return, Y/N's own smile became more relaxed, more genuine. "So, how about it?"

"Sure..." Y/N mumbled. "I want to beat you."

"With my team, I don't think that's possible."

"With me, anything is possible."

Julian laughed gently. "You're right. I should've remembered that." He turned away from Y/N, looking over his shoulder. "Come on now. We can't keep them waiting any longer."

Y/N wiped water from the corners of his eyes, hopping after Julian. His first few steps were unsteady, but the more he took, the more sure of himself he was, until he was jogging behind Julian to the centre of the field, stomach bubbling with excitement. He took a deep breath, releasing it and letting the last of the bad feelings leave him.

"Sorry about that." Julian said to the rest of the players. They all looked at Y/N and him with a mix of emotions, mostly confusion. They couldn't have heard most of what they said to each other, so the attention was okay to him. "Shall we begin?"

His eyes lingered on Y/N, smiling a reassuring smile as the players agreed. Before they moved apart, he rested his hand on Y/N's hair, rubbing it gently. "Just saying, I'm not gonna go easy on you."

"Don't you dare." Y/N weakly laughed. "I'm going all out."

Bachira immediately pounced on Y/N as the two teams separated to go to their halves. "Did you become friends again?!"

Y/N smiled, though it was a little teary. "Yeah. We're still friends."

"See?" Bachira laughed, poking Y/N playfully. "It's nice to have friends. You're smiling big!"

"I am?"

"Yeah!" Bachira looked over at Julian's retreating figure, as the World Five made their way to their half. "That guy is a magician for cheering you up so fast."

"Something like that." Y/N agreed.