3.13. Artificial Ego

"Hey, Reo."

Y/N leant both elbows on the table, resting his chin on his palms as he waited for the instant noodles to cook.

Barou, Reo, and Yukimiya sat around the table, just outside the Family Mart's glass doors. It was relatively dark, the street being lit up by an old series of yellow street lamps, half covered in dirt and dust. But sitting next to the store's bright lights and large windows, Y/N could still see the others.

It was quiet. With it being so late at night, barely anyone walked the streets. Instead of the typical daytime noise, the sound of cars honking, people chattering and meeting up, the only noise was the distant, ever-present hum of the city. For the boys at the table, it was like the world had paused, life outside halting as they took in the night air.

Being as sleep-deprived as he was, and with the early hour of two-thirty am ensuring nobody would be around to hear and judge him, Y/N sighed deeply. "Reo."

"Yeah?"

"What is it like, having a dream?"

Across the table, the purple-haired boy's eyes flickered up. He hummed thoughtfully, fingers idly scratching at the table. "Hmm?"

Y/N's face scrunched up a little. "I mean, what is it like having something you really, really want? Like a big end goal you're working towards."

"Like winning the World Cup?"

"Yeah. Like that."

"I mean... it's not 'like' anything. I want it, so I work towards it in any way possible. If that requires me to team up with a natural soccer prodigy, or if it requires me to train twice as hard as everyone else, then I do it."

Y/N listened carefully. He picked out one part in particular. "How do you know if you want it?"

"I guess... hmm." Reo pressed his lips together, looking at Y/N with something along the lines of sympathy. "It's just like wanting anything else. Just more important, I guess."

"Important?"

"You think about it more." Reo clarified. "I want to win the World Cup. And it's on my mind a lot, whether I like it or not. I'm pretty sure the more you want something, the more you'll think about it."

Y/N frowned slightly at that. "What's the difference between wanting, and a dream?"

"Not much. A dream is just something that I really, really want."

Y/N fell silent at that. He lifted the corner of the ramyun lid, peering inside to see if it was cooked. A small tendril of steam rose from the bowl, lit up yellow by the nearby streetlights. He let the lid fall again. "What about you, Barou?"

"Huh?" The tall boy blinked, not expecting the question.

"What does having a dream feel like?"

Silence. Yukimiya and Reo both glanced at Barou, who was very carefully looking anywhere except Y/N's imploring eyes. The man swallowed, moistening his lips. All sign of the usual arrogance, the usual uptight, brash nature was gone, replaced by a normal teenage boy in the darkness.

"I don't know either." Barou finally admitted. "I don't like using that word."

Y/N nodded once. He drew his legs up to his chest, leaning his cheek on his knee. "Then, what?"

"What?"

"What word do you like to use?"

Barou thought. "I like calling it a plan. A dream sounds too fantastical. But a plan makes it sound more real. More doable."

"And what are you trying to do?"

Barou snorted. "I thought it was obvious."

"Well, you're gonna have to enlighten me." Y/N rolled his eyes slowly, not a bit of actual annoyance in them. He tapped his own temple with two fingers. "Not a lot in here."

Another snort. It could've been a laugh, but Barou wasn't the type to laugh out loud. "I plan to be the king of soccer. I want to be the best striker in the world, I want to have loyal teammates that will fight for my goal, and..."

"And?" Y/N prompted.

"I want to be remembered."

Y/N's eyes widened a little.

Barou paused, realising what he just said. "Not that I really need that, of course. I know everyone's gonna remember me anyway, 'cause how could anyone forget me? I'm the best striker in Bluelock, after all."

Y/N just hummed. He shifted, turning his head to Yukimiya. Dark, shadowed eyes pressed for a response. Yukimiya exhaled.

"What's my dream?"

Y/N nodded.

"To be the best striker in the world." Yukimiya replied. He laughed a little, embarrassed. "It's a simple thing, I know."

"Not simple." Y/N shook his head. "It's difficult."

"Maybe so." Yukimiya hesitated. When Y/N didn't interrupt, he continued. "To me, having a dream is having a reason to... live, I guess."

"To live...?"

"This world is unfair." Yukimiya quietly said. "If I didn't have a dream, if I didn't have a goal to work towards, I don't think I would've made it this far."

Y/N stilled. "Mhm."

"But despite everything this world throws at me, I think a dream is a way to cope. Something to give your life purpose, you know? Something to wake up to in the morning, something to think about when you have nothing and nobody to help you, something to live by."

Yukimiya smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, nor was it a sad smile. It was simply a turning up of the lips, a reassuring motion towards Y/N. "To me, having a dream feels like living life to its fullest."

Y/N nodded.

He reached forwards, silently tugging the cover off his instant noodles. Reo ripped open a pack of rice crackers, Barou took the lid off a plastic pot of fruit, and Yukimiya popped the tab on his iced coffee. He didn't say anything, even with all three boys' curious gazes on him.

They shared a glance. Eventually, Reo was the first to speak.

Cautiously, carefully, Reo tapped the table to get Y/N's attention. The boy glanced up. Reo tilted his head. "Is there... a reason you're asking?"

"Not really." Y/N lied through his teeth. Even Barou could tell, both him and Yukimiya casting questioning looks at Reo.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure." Y/N mumbled, using a plastic fork to lift some noodles out of the bowl. "I'm just curious."

"Mm." Reo shrugged at Yukimiya and Barou. What did they want him to do?

Pinching the bridge of his nose, just under his glasses, Yukimiya sighed. He shook his head, muttering something about rich idiots before he turned to Y/N. "Hey."

"Hey."

"We've told you our dreams." Yukimiya coaxed. "What's yours?"

Y/N shrugged. He shoved the forkful of noodles into his mouth, effectively silencing himself.

Yukimiya tried again. "Then, what is it like to you, having a dream?"

Again, a shrug. Y/N chewed, swallowed. He smiled. "I don't think I have one. But who cares, right? It's not like it matters."

"I guess not."

They lapsed into silence.

Around them, the city slumbered.

🥕🥕🥕

Ego had known it was coming.

He sat cross legged on his office chair, shoulders hunched as both eyes locked onto one of the many monitors lining the wall. Anri had told him many times to sit properly in the chair or else his posture would be ruined. But what did he care? He blinked slowly, face lit up by blue light.

"You know."

A quiet, soft voice came from his door. Using the table to push off from, Ego spun his chair around. Anri stood by the door, hand still on the hinge. She sighed, disappointed. "You're gonna ruin your spine doing that."

Ego shrugged. "It's more comfortable."

"It won't be when you're fifty and unable to stand up straight." Anri walked in, footsteps ringing out on the hard floor. She flicked on the lights, Ego screwing up his eyes at the sudden brightness. "And don't look at screens in the dark, your vision is bad enough."

"Don't lecture me." He quietly grumbled.

"Lecture?" Anri raised an eyebrow. "My five year old nephew knows not to do that."

"Who cares?"

"You should." The reply was instantaneous. Ego winced. But thankfully, Anri didn't push further. "But anyway, what're you watching?"

He took the change of topic happily. "The livestream. Manshine City against Bastard Munchen."

"How's it going?"

"Ah." Sighing, Ego shook his head. "I don't really know. I haven't been paying attention."

"Hmm?"

After a small pause, Ego glanced across at Anri. "Do you know what an ego is?"

She blinked with surprise, but didn't question it. She was used to Ego's weird questions. "It's how a person perceives themselves... and their drive to reach a goal?" Anri waited hopefully.

"In a way, yes. An ego is the belief in oneself that you can achieve your goals. That drives someone to try harder, to play with more passion, to enter a flow state in some cases. It's similar to self confidence, or a person's morals." He hummed to himself. "And without an ego, there is no passion in someone's play."

"No passion...?"

"That's right. If there are two identical players, both of which have the exact same skills, and physicality, the main factor that separates them isn't luck. It's passion, or as we call it, ego. The ego pushes them to perform better, to truly care about the game and its results. If someone doesn't care about the game, there's no way they can perform at their best."

"But all of the Bluelock players have already cultivated their ego..." Anri murmured. "What's the problem?"

"If we're ignoring psychology and science, and just focusing on the concept of an 'ego'." He continued like he hadn't heard Anri. "There are three components. First off, the dream. Something that the person wants, desperately so. In most of our own players' cases, this is to score goals, and win games."

"Second, is the ability. To progress towards the dream, they need the physical skills to achieve that dream. Without that, their ego can't be fully developed. They become deluded. In this case, their dream can be nothing more than a fantasy." Ego spread his palms, watching Anri for a reaction.

"And third, is the belief. Belief in their own skills, belief they can push towards their dream and achieve it. This is where many people fall flat, unable to truly believe that they can do it. Some of them might half heartedly believe, but this is pointless. They need to truly assess themselves, and even in the most dire situations, keep throwing themselves into their dream."

"That's what we're trying to create in Bluelock, right?" Anri checked. "The belief."

"Yes." Ego nodded once. "Having the belief that one day, everything will pay off, allows our players to throw everything they have into the game. They dedicate themselves, body and mind, to their dream, and this is how they improve so fast. But here, I've discovered a strange case. Perhaps a unique case."

Anri thought to herself. Who in the game could be a unique case? "Prince?"

"No."

"Noa?"

"No."

"Oh." Anri swallowed. "Y/N, right?"

"Correct. Y/N L/N, the strangest case I've ever seen."

"How so."

"He doesn't have an ego." Ego quietly replied. Anri's eyes narrowed. She frowned, eyebrows furrowing with confusion. Ego sighed. "I know. It's strange."

"But he's progressed so far? He can't not have an ego, with how well he's been playing."

"But look at his improvement? Look at his gameplay?" Ego pointed at the screen. "He doesn't care about the game. He makes excuses for his losses. He only half-heartedly plays, so if he loses, he can laugh it off to himself and stay inside this sheltered little bubble of his own creation. Y/N L/N doesn't truly care about the game, he cares about not feeling upset. And because of that, he doesn't apply himself enough. He doesn't take it seriously."

Anri was silent.

She opened her mouth. "Are you serious, Ego?" Ego blinked. She didn't sound agreeing. There was genuine annoyance in her voice, a protectiveness he hadn't heard before.

"What?"

"Are you saying that the kid that was crying himself to sleep most nights doesn't care? The kid that went through hell and still smiles doesn't care? The kid that wanted to win enough to nearly run himself unconscious doesn't care?!" Anri shook her head. "You're wrong."

"Am I?" Ego retorted. "Here is my theory. Y/N's has one, maybe two parts out of the three to form an ego. He has the physical ability, for sure. But he doesn't have a dream. He doesn't have anything that he wants. And because of that, he can't believe in a dream."

"But he does have a dream." Anri protested. "To become the greatest striker in the world."

"That's just something he says, because everyone else says it. It isn't his dream." Ego kept talking, before Anri could interrupt him. "Listen, Anri. Y/N has gotten this far on something I believe to be an 'artificial ego'."

"Artificial..."

"In the Ascension Project, Kuroi's methods differed from ours. While we attempted to draw out a person's innate ego, he attempted to forcibly create an ego. I've mentioned the three parts, yes? Instead of finding what a person wants, Kuroi implemented methods to create a different kind of want."

Anri caught on. "A want to not be hurt."

"Exactly. Instead of a drive towards a person's dream, Kuroi used the drive away from punishment, away from pain. And that, in a twisted way, created an ego. Instead of Y/N having a dream, a belief, and the ability to achieve it like our Bluelockers, he had a fear of pain, the want to avoid pain, and the ability to achieve it by winning."

"That's..."

"Horrible." Ego supplied. "But now, by overcoming Kuroi, he has essentially broken the ego Kuroi created for him. Because there is no fear of pain, there is no drive to perform, and that has led to this."

"Led to what?"

"Y/N's growth is incredibly slow. So slow that in fact, his fellows might overtake him. He is unmotivated, disconnected, and exactly like all those people we rooted out of Bluelock at the start. Right now, his true ego is dormant, and as such, his drive is nonexistent."

"But he's still a good player."

"That's purely based off his physical ability. Right now, there is next to no passion in his play." Ego turned back to his screen. "Watch with me, Anri. You'll understand. To him, soccer doesn't seem fun. Right now, Y/N's lack of ego is making him unhappy, and it shows in his game."

"But..."

"Hmm?"

"Why tell me this? What's the point?"

"Just think, Anri. Y/N is already this good, without a proper ego. He already beat Kaiser, one of the world's young superstars. He can put up a fight against the strongest players on the planet." Ego blinked slowly. "Imagine how good he could be with an ego. If his ego awakens, the improvement would be at a rate we haven't seen before."

"What kind of rate?"

"I'm thinking... If Y/N L/N's ego truly awakens, he might be a player capable of winning us the World Cup."

"Huh."

"Huh indeed."

"But we can't force it, can we."

"That's right." Ego sighed. "If we forced it, we'd be no better than Kuroi. So for now, we wait. And hope. Because this boy, this monster of a player... he could be the trump card to end it all."