Chapter 23

I can't move. I can't breathe. All I can do is sit there, staring as the flame licks up the paper, the orange light edging closer and closer to me. Heat pricks my skin and every passing second makes me panic even more- but I can't get away. I couldn't even move if I tried.

"Chrissa! What is wrong with you?" I hear Jase hiss, and the momentary distraction breaks me out of my daze just enough to hear how badly my heart is pounding in my chest, the way my breathing is shallow and ragged, my vision constricting in and out like it's tunneled.

I need to get out of here.

Not even bothering to move the paper, I jump up and sprint outside the door.

"You don't actually care about her, do you Jase? Going soft?" I hear Chrissa ask, the smirk audible in her voice even from outside.

Everyone's gawking at me, but for once I don't care. It's better than what happened last week, better than being engulfed in those flames as they burn a mile high, obliterating everything in their path. It's better than-

It's better than-

It's-

The world spins around me, the floor moving beneath my feet, and I practically drop to my knees, legs no longer able to hold me up.

And now I'm having a panic attack in the middle of the science wing. Great. Absolutely awesome.

And I know it's stupid and illogical and that a tiny flame isn't going to kill me and I can just tell myself to calm down, tell myself to start breathing again, but the part of my brain screaming that doesn't come anywhere close to the other part of my brain, the one screaming at me that this is the end of the world, like a dramatized movie clip, playing the same thing over and over and over again on a loop.

"Red!" I look up to see Jase standing over me, his blue eyes wide and stormy. "Are you okay?"

"Go." I'm surprised the words come out at all, even though they're a shaky, low growl. "This is all your fault."

Jase offers me a hand up and I ignore it, lifting myself up on my own. "I thought I told you to go."

"Sienna, I'm sorry." His face is oh-so-sincere, but I really, really, really can't do this right now. "Good. You should be. Now go away."

"You're shaking." He steps closer to me and I glare daggers at him, pressing my back up against the wall. "Please-" my voice breaks slightly on the last word, going high and squeaky. "Just stop pretending you're sorry when you're literally dating the girl who just lit my chemistry lab on fire."

Jase seems taken aback by that, his mouth falling into an 'O' shape. I know I have him trapped, but the hard set of his jaw and the determination in his eyes telling me that he's trying to figure out something to say.

"You know what?" he finally says, and his voice is calm, like the ocean on a good day, all turquoise and glittering. "Hate me if you want. That's fine. I probably deserve it. Just please, Red, if being my friend means anything to you at all- listen to me. Go to the nurse, or go cry under the stairwell if you really want. You don't have to make yourself come back to class."

"Stop telling me what to do!" I say, my voice more high-pitched and childlike than I intended, but this problem isn't exactly on my priority list at the moment

"I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just strongly suggesting that you stop being a total idiot," he says sharply, then turns around and walks back to class.

Leaving me to wonder...

Why did he care so much in the first place?

I spend the rest of chemistry in the nurse's office, pretending to sleep on the vinyl cot as the nurse sits on the other side of the room, typing on her computer and talking to freshmen who sprained their elbows in gym class. No one notices me as tears run down my face, and for that, at least, I'm thankful. My head throbs and my lungs feel like they're full of lead, and my pride has been seriously depreciated, but at least I get to cry in peace.

The bell rings just as sleep becomes a reality, and I emerge out of the nurse's office bleary-eyed and slightly less exhausted. Thank gosh. As I walk to my locker to put my English books away, I get an influx of texts from Noah.

I'm sorry

Are you okay?

Whoever did this is an asshole

I'm sorry

The text messages make my brow furrow in confusion. What on earth could he be talking about? The only thing I can think of that he would be sorry about is the Chrissa incident in chemistry class... and, I mean, news travels fast around here, but not that fast.

While I'm trying to puzzle this out, I open my locker door and a small, unassuming piece of paper slips out, falling onto the floor. I almost don't see it, but somewhere in my periphery, the way it moves through the air catches my eye, and I pick it up.

And immediately, Noah's texts make sense.

Because as I scan the paper entitled "UVPHS's Hottest Virgins," I see my name.

'Number 3: Sienna Brown.'

WHAT?? My mouth goes numb when I read this, jaw hanging open like an idiot. Suddenly, the whispers around me, the gossip- it all seems to be directed at me, but I can't tear my eyes away from the paper to look up. There's a drawing of me, but everything about it is wrong. My hips and boobs are practically as wide as I am tall, and there's a curve meant to show my ass. It's almost like a beach ball. Scrawled below that, with an arrow pointing to 'me' as if this is just some science diagram are the words 'perfect hourglass.'

Is this really what they think of me?

And did Jase have something to do with this?

I feel sick, like I'm going to crumple to the ground or throw up or something, but I can't stop reading, staring at the drawing over, and over again until finally my eyes travel downwards, to their handwritten 'notes' on me, written in the messy scrawl of at least 5 different teenage boys, responding to each other and discussing me- like I'm an object.

'Notes:

Nice ass

Will do math homework for u

What a prude

Yeah, but a hot prude

I think she's kinda gross

She'd be hotter if she lost 10 pounds

But those curves, man!

How is she still a virgin? Man I'd tap that

Tbh she seems like kinda an attention seeker

I can't read any more- I just can't. My mouth feels dry, my hands shaky, and I know I should be sad, or hurt, or offended- but I'm not. I'm angry.

I'm not the kind of girl that stuff like this happens to. It happens to girls like Nalah James, girls who wear short skirts and flirt with boys instead of doing their homework, or Katie Newman, who reeks of desperately wanting a boyfriend even more than that god-awful perfume she wears.

This must be some kind of mistake. But there it is, my name on that list... plain as day.

But I'm not that kind of girl. I don't want this. I'm not an attention seeker...

It makes me wonder- how many other girls are like me? How many see this is as a curse, as a horrible, vulgar thing instead of a compliment?

Come to think of it, who would think this was a compliment? Who would try to get something like this sent out to the whole school because she wanted the attention?

Maybe that girl doesn't exist. Maybe girls really don't ask for things like this. I don't know.

"Sienna!" Noah's out of breath when he comes up to me, his arms around my waist before I can even say hello to him. "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to make it better? I just want to help."

I shake my head. "Do you- do you know who did this?" I ask, the words sounding hollow in my throat.

'She'd be hotter if she lost 10 pounds.'

Does Noah think that?

"I have no idea," he says, his face heavy with regret. "The school security cameras were out again this morning."

"One thousand Glendale kids and our school seriously can't afford to put in a proper security system?" I say, rolling my eyes. I don't know why I'm finding this all comical... it just doesn't seem real to me, I guess.

"Apparently not," Noah says, smiling and offering me his hand, pulling me away from the wall next to my locker where I've been practically stuck. "Are you sure you're okay, though? Do you need anything?"

I shake my head. "I'm fine, Noah," I say, feeling a spike of guilt for making him worry about me. "Everything's fine. It's not like I was the only girl on the list... or like this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me." I swallow, standing up straighter. If it's a show these boys want, well, that just sucks then, doesn't it? "Let's just get to class. I'm fine."

But the lingering stares seem to follow me down the hall, each one more haunting than the last.

A/N: Hey guys! I've decided to bless your screens with a double update today (can't believe that I actually wrote that much, wow!) so get ready for the second half of this coming very soon!

To be honest, this was kind of a hard chapter for me to write... for obvious reasons. I've never experienced all the things that Sienna had to deal with in this chapter, but I'm not exactly a stranger to the anxiety that she's feeling, which I thought would make it all easier to write about since I can relate... but in actuality, it's really hard to unweave the sticky, rolled up web of emotions that anxiety gives me and describe the feelings as they happen... so bear with me.

But I digress. I'm about to post another chapter, so get ready for some Sienna + Jase cuteness because they deserve it (I really hope that doesn't count as a spoiler !)

- Lemon Zest