Chapter 17

《Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?》

- Gilmore Girls

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Note: this is set before the ending of Chapter 16

CHRIS

I must have spent an hour just lying on my couch, thinking and not thinking at the same time. I was barely aware of my own surroundings, the only thing I could not forget was the fact that Vivian hung up on me. It might sound something normal, but she’s never done that. Even in our worst moments, even when she was so mad at me that it seemed our friendship was really hanging on by a thin thread, she never hung up on me. This was a first.

When my phone rang, I immediately sat up, hoping Vivian had changed her mind. I took the call without even reading the ID. “Vivy?”

The groan on the other side immediately shattered all my hopes. “You’re really bordering on obsession, you know?” Karen spat, already angry.

I sighed, falling back onto the couch. “What do you want?” I told her we couldn’t go on like we did, she had a whole fiancé with whom she hadn’t broken up yet. I told her not to call me again, yet here we are.

“We need to talk.”

“Karen, we talked already.” I sighed, lying on the couch. “It’s over. Hell, it should have never started to begin with.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Of course, I do.” I covered my forehead, closing my eyes. “You’re getting married.”

“What if I’m not?”

“You keep saying that, yet you never break up with your fiancé.” I pointed out. “You’re using me as a safety net, Karen, and you know that.”

“There’s nothing safe about you, Chris,” she giggled, “that’s why I’m so drawn to you.”

“Our relationship was really toxic.” I finally admitted out loud. My friends kept telling me, but I didn’t wanna hear it, I saw it too late. “You push my buttons in all the wrong ways, Karen. I’m not a good fit for you, you’re not the right person for me.”

“And who is the right person for you?” Karen scoffed. “Lady Vivian? The oh, so perfect one that’s never once strayed in her life?”

“Not this again …” I sighed. She keeps repeating that the only reason why it didn’t work between us was that I am in love with my best friend, I’m just too stubborn to admit it. According to Karen, I sabotage my own relationships not out of fear of commitment, as most men would, but because I’m unconsciously waiting for the right time when Vivian and I can finally get together.

“She broke us up, Christopher.” Karen hissed, able to convey all her hatred toward my best friend, her ex-roommate, in one emphasized pronoun.

“She didn’t.” I rolled my eyes. “And you know I hate it when people use my full name.”

“But she so did,” my ex insisted, raising her voice. “We were fine together!”

“Karen, you broke up with me.” I reminded her.

“Because I thought you were screwing her!”

“And that says a lot about the trust you have in me.” I scoffed. “A relationship without trust means nothing. Love isn’t enough.” When she left me, I was heartbroken, and part of me even hoped the day would come, when she would realize she’d made a mistake. But now that she’s back, I … I just don’t feel it anymore.

I loved Karen, I did. But not enough to drop Vivian – as my ex put it. And that was a deal-breaker, she said, then went on claiming she was certain I was cheating. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend in my entire life. I’ve never even once been the person they cheated with. Until Karen, that is. Now I’m doing to another guy what I would never wish to my worst enemy.

Betrayal is the worst form of offense. It shatters your self-esteem, it simply breaks down everything you’ve ever built, making you feel incomplete and inadequate. I felt that, I have been cheated on, and I had sworn to myself not to ever be the other man. Yet I went on and gave in. That’s just one out of hundreds examples as to why Karen is toxic for me.

Not that I’m blameless, of course. I know my faults, and I know that sometimes I act irrationally and stupidly. I'm well aware that she didn't force me, I should have stopped and I didn't, but that woman clouds my brain like no other.

“How can I trust my boyfriend when he literally sleeps with his so-called best friend every night?” My ex barked. “Do you realize how sick that is, Christopher?”

“It’s just a habit we have.” I repeated for the billionth time. “Nothing has ever happened.”

Karen snorted. “Yeah, and I’m supposed to believe that.”

I heaved a deep sigh, rubbing the bridge of my nose. This is the last thing I need right now. “Karen, why did you call?”

“I told you, we need to talk.”

“What for? To listen to the same rants all over again? No, thank you.” I spat. “We are done. Go back to your fiancé, or find someone else, I don’t know, but don’t call me again.” I hung up before she could reply, and threw my phone onto the coffee table.

I don’t know what got into me when I decided I wanted a second round on the crazy train. It’s like I completely forgot just how toxic our relationship was. I don’t know how else to define someone that changes mood in the blink of an eye, subsequently throwing you on a rollercoaster that ruins even your best days. When she came to me, we talked a lot, yet she still says I cheated on her.

At the same time, Karen claimed she’s still in love with me, and I ruined her life because even though she tried to move on – hence the fiancé –, she just keeps thinking about me. Then she remembers I cheated on her, that my heart was never hers or not entirely. She doesn’t even believe I ever loved her. According to her, I was only fooling myself, I’ve only ever loved Vivian.

I don’t know how to convince her and everybody else that just because Vivy is my everything, my universe, doesn’t mean I am in love with her. I love her to the moon and back, but I am not in love with her. It’s a subtle difference people just don’t seem to grasp.

But how could I not love her? My Vivy is simply unique. Other than the fact that’s she’s gorgeous, there’s just something about her that makes her incredibly special. There’s simply no one like her. Nobody comes even close to being as incredible as her. And maybe, on this part only Karen was right: I loved her, I just didn’t love her enough. Or not as much as I love Vivian. What she doesn’t understand it’s that it’s a different kind of love.

I miss her so much. For the first time ever, we didn’t celebrate our anniversary. For the first time ever, she rejected me. I don’t know what to think, nor how to solve this. I told her Karen and I are not back together, but it wasn’t enough. So, maybe this isn’t about Karen. Beatrice did say Vivian mentioned a date a few days ago.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe she’s met someone she knows I will never agree on. And why would I? No one could possibly deserve her. Problem is, what if this guy actually manages to snatch her? What if this is the man that will ultimately steal my Vivy? I cannot allow that.

Maybe I’m selfish, but I couldn’t accept a life that doesn’t involve my Vivy. Hell, there is no life without her. She’s all I’ve ever known, I can’t even begin to fathom a future that doesn’t involve her. We’ve always been inseparable. We share so many memories that, quite simply, I cannot think about a single episode in my life that doesn’t involve her, be it happy or sad.

“You look like crap.” I heard Adam’s voice snicker. “Have you slept at all?”

I didn’t even open my eyes, just covered them with my arm. “Not really.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day, don’t you have a date or something?”

“Ugh, no.”

“What about Ms. High-Pitched Voice.” Adam scoffed. “Man, I will never be able to get her screams out of my mind.”

“I told you, I didn’t know you were home.” I reminded him. Apparently, he was in his room when Karen and I first had our fallback. Had I known, I’d have avoided it.

My brother laughed mockingly. “As if that would have made a difference.”

“Adam …”

“I’ve never known what did you find in her, honestly.” I felt him shoo my feet away, clear signed he’d just sat beside me, so I sat up as well. “Such an obnoxious woman.”

“We all make mistakes.” I raked a hand over my face.

“Oh, she was a mistake alright.” Adam scoffed. “But not your worst one.”

I turned to him, confused. “What …”

“You know what I mean.”

“Not this again, Adam …”

“Come on, Chris,” he stood up, starting to pace the room, “I know it, your ex knows it, your friends know it, Meredith knows it, hell even mom knows it. We all see it, except you.”

“Adam …”

“Just admit that you’re in love with Vivian, jeez. It won’t kill you.” My brother grumbled. “On the contrary, it will make life sooo much easier for everyone.”

People really don’t understand that not everything is romantic, that men and women can have the tightest bond without being a couple or siblings. My Vivy and I are pretty much soul mates, doesn’t mean we are supposed to end up together. She brought light into my life, how can I not love her? Doesn’t mean I wanna marry her. There are so many different types of love, why do we need a label?

But now I might lose her, and I don’t know how to avoid it. Better said, I know how, I just … no, I can't do that to her. I could never, I would never.

"Chris …"

"Do you know the guy she's seeing?" I wondered out loud.

Adam let out a short laugh. "All I can tell you is that he looks like God personally handpicked him as a gift to women on Earth."

I frowned, turning to my brother. "What?"

"He's hot, Chris, I'm saying he's hot." Adam laughed. "Hell, he's more than hot, he's blindingly gorgeous, he's THE masterpiece, the most perfect creation ever-"

"Ok, ok, I get it, he's good-looking." I cut off my brother, sick of his praises. "But that doesn’t make him right for her."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, for you nobody ever is. Up to you, she would die a virgin."

"Well, she needs someone special." I grumbled, eyes on the floor, as I thought of her gorgeous smile. "Nobody can measure up to her, it's just the way it is."

"Or …" Adam eyed me carefully, and I knew what was coming, "you're just jealous."

I rolled my eyes. "Possessive, maybe." I correct. "Jealous? No."

"Sure," my brother scoffed, "it's not like you literally punched her high school boyfriend in the face when you came to know they'd had sex for the first time, right?"

I gritted my teeth, remembering the episode all too well. "He took something that wasn’t his."

"And whose was it? Yours?"

"Adam …" I grumbled, standing up. "You don't understand what we have, nobody does."

"We all do, Chris. You're just blind to it."

"Seriously, stop it."  I don't know why people just don’t drop the subject. They claim men and women can be friends without romance, yet for them it's impossible for us to have gone on 20 years without ever getting together.

"Ok," Adam nodded, and I hoped he was done with his nonsense, but he went on: "Let's make a small experiment, then." He took out his phone, and when he unlocked it I saw it was open on a page with some questions, as if he'd prepared for this. "Ready?"

"What?"

"Just picture it in your head,okay?"

"Adam …"

"Trust me, I know what I'm saying. I used this trick on myself when I met Simo-I mean uh…Maggie." He definitely didn't mean her.

"Adam, are you sure you-"

"Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long?" My brother cut me off. "Do you see her face?"

"What are you talking about, Adam?"

"Just picture it." He said, then went on reading: "Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face?" He paused, as if to give me time, but I didn’t answer. "When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face?" Another pause. " When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face?" Another pause, and I was beginning to understand. "When something wonderful happens in your life - a promotion at work, a successful refinancing - who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face?" He looked up from his phone, staring straight at me: "Whose face appears to you? Whose face?"

I remained silent for the longest time, those words spinning in my head as I thought about the times I had good news to share, or when I needed comfort, or simply when I felt truly, indubitably, purely happy.

Every time I'm sad, I think about my Vivy, and I immediately feel better. Every time I want somebody close, every time I need to confide to someone, be it good or bad, I run to her. Every time I need to think positive, I think about my Vivy. She always makes everything better, always. I can't remember a single time when I didn't want her around, even the times we've argued, I craved to see her.

She's my first thought in the morning, and my last when I fall asleep. She's my end and my beginning, as the famous song goes. I think about her all day. And she's always there for me, always. Even when I'm at my worst, she's there to pick up the pieces. Even when I act like an asshole, she still forgives me. We are simply meant to be.

"So …" Adam grinned, probably reading the answer on my face.

"I … I …" I stuttered, barely able to piece everything together.

"Go ahead, say it." My brother pushed. "Say it loud and clear."

I took a deep breath when it felt like I hadn't been breathing at all. The sole thing I kept seeing was her face. "I … I'm in love with Vivian." Saying it felt liberating, as if I'd just taken a huge load off my shoulders.

"Finally!" Adam clapped, grinning. "Took you only 20 years, but we got there."

"You need to help me, Adam." I pretty much begged, feeling both the adrenaline of the realization and the incumbency of the heartbreak that my late epiphany was about to cause. "I … how do I … she doesn't …"

My brother placed his hands on my shoulders, nodding. "Tonight, after 9, come to her place."

"She won't-"

"I'll let you in." Adam smiled. "The rest is up to you." He pursed his lips, pulling back. "Don't blow your chance, Chris, or you won't get another one."