(29) Dear Louise

They say death comes easy. I'm not so sure I believe that.

Louise Mireya Derivan past away in her sleep at supposedly one fourteen in the morning. Not a minute after she was observed by a few different doctors, she was confirmed dead. The minutes following, went practically in slow motion.

Death is supposedly a peaceful happening, but so far, I don't see any peace in it. And the things I do see, aren't anything less than catastrophic. She was young, lively, and overall undeserving of this.

I sit, leaning against the white, cold cement of a hospital wall, staring at the other white, cold cement wall, as I wait for Mason, who is young, lively, and undeserving of this all.

I sit emotionless. The others have gone home hours ago, but I remain. For him. Although he hasn't come out for hours. I don't have the energy to get up, get food, or do much of anything, actually. His pained face stains my mind, like the tears stain my cheeks.

Get yourself together Lexa, I try to tell myself. I didn't even know her that well, but I knew the kind of person she was, and the kind of son she could raise.

She did a damn good job with him.

I owe a lot to her.

Suddenly I feel a hand, making it's presence known on my shoulder. I turn around, "Mason."

He doesn't say a word, just wraps his arms around me in a bone crushing hug.

I return it, "Mase, how are you?"

He pulls away, and looks at me with bloodshot eyes, and a somber expression, "I'll be fine."

I reach for his hand and entangle my fingers in his, "Can I see her?"

He nods, "For a few more hours. Then the funeral planning starts."

"God.." I mumble, "You shouldn't have to go through this."

"Is this karma?" He asks me, "I've played so many girls so now it's my turn for life to play me? I fucked up so now life wants to fuck me over? I wish I was dead. I wish it was me."

"Stop talking like that." I pull him into the small corridor near the stairs.

Nurses walk by, some giving us questioning looks. I ignore them, and force him to sit down.

He looks at me, "Lex."

I sit on his lap and take his hands in mine, "You're not a bad person."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

"There's nothing you can say to make this any less shittier. She never did anything in her life to deserve this."

"I'm not saying she deserved it." I breathe, "But you don't deserve it either."

"I do."

"Mase, I can't, for the life of me, think of something you could've done that would equal the pain of this."

"Girls." He mutters, "I used them. I hated myself, so I made myself superior. I was what everyone wanted and couldn't have. I stole so many firsts, kisses, sex, everything girls can value in their high school years, I took that from them. And you know what I did then? I threw them away. I passed them around like pieces of paper, and then tossed them. And yet, they somehow claimed to love me. Bullshit, for the most part I didn't even care to pay attention to their names. Fuck, I'm fucked up aren't I. I don't know why I'm even telling you this."

"I don't care."

"I'm not a virgin."

"I like guys with experience."

"I didn't care about any of them."

"You care about me."

"I don't deserve you."

"You deserve the world." I counter.

"Stupid." He traces small circles on my palms, "You are my world."

I blush, "Does that scare you?" He raises an eyebrow.

I bite my lip, "No."

"Good." He leans in towards me, "Because I'm falling for you Alexis Anderson."

I lean closer to him, "Is that so?"

"Mhm." He mumbles into my mouth.

"Mase not here, cmon we gotta go. The visiting hours are over soon."

"Until she's buried then they're endless."

"Don't talk like that."

"I'm mad."

"I'm mad too, but there's nothing we can do."

"We can find that prickhead and kill him."

I glance over at him. He's kidding right? Dear God, I hope so.

He chuckles, "I do the work, you hide the body?"

I shake my head, "You asshole."

Ten minutes later, we've arrived at Louise's room.

Mason stops outside the door. I look at him, "What are you doing?"

He winces, "I can't."

I nod, and slip my arms around his waist in a quick embrace before pulling away, and ducking into the small room.

She lays on the bed, still hooked up to a few machines, that, by the looks of it, have been deafened of their previous drilling roar.

Who knew machines could be so similar to her.

I sigh, walking over to a small chair by her bed.

How can someone so gone look so alive? She looks like she could wake up and talk, like she's simply in a state of dreaming.

Except for her, this tragedy is a dream she'll never wake up from, and for us, it's a nightmare that never goes away, even when we're awake.

I look at her again, her pale eyelids dropped closed, her soft lashes brushing against her drooping cheeks.

This will probably be the last time I see her, and with a pang, that thought attaches itself to my heart. It's an ache in my chest and it won't go away.

I may not have known her for very long throughout her years, but it's obvious to anyone, that she was an amazing lady.

Definitely, one undeserving of this devastatingly sensational end.

I can't do this.

Taking one last look at her face, I get up.

I know how Mason is now. I've seen enough. I want out of this lamentable aura.  I want things to be good again.

Sadly, people don't always get what they want.

-

"I'll see you later?" Mason asks, an obvious tone of pain recognizable in his voice.

I nod, "I'll come by tomorrow after school. Are you going to be there?"

He shakes his head. "Lex, I can't. I have to watch Eloise."

"Can't she stay with your neighbors again?"

"It's not their responsibility to take care of her."

I bite my lip, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

He half smiles at me, "Bye Lex."

Despite the brisk cold, I walk rather slowly into the building, my head high in the clouds of thoughts entangling it.

When I get up to my floor, I enter and quickly greet my mother, before heading straight to my room.

I take out a crisp white sheet of loose leaf paper and a pencil, and unleash my anger, confusion, and despair onto it.

My hand presses the lead deeper into the paper, causing a slight rip in the paper.

Huffing, I take a new sheet and furiously start again.

Dear Louise,

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I couldn't just talk to you, like everyone else did. I don't know why I'm such a wimp, or why my eyes tricked me into thinking you looked so real you could wake up and laugh with me. But I know, now, that you're not waking up, and I'm not going to be laughing anytime soon. At least not when Mason's like this. Speaking of Mason, he's amazing. You raised him right. I know he won't admit it, but he's heartbroken. He wishes it were him, and a selfish part of me is glad it wasn't. I know that's a terrible and awful thing to contemplate, but if it were him, I don't know what I would do. How I would move on. But I suppose that's what he's thinking right now. I know you're gone, and the mother he needs to console him isn't available, but I want you to know he has me. Even if we don't work out, he has me. I want him to know that. I'm sure you know I care for your son very deeply, and the thought of that scares me, a lot. I know his past, and I know his flaws, and I know he's not perfect, but for some reason my eyes can't see anything wrong with him. Am I just a stupid young girl hung up on the idea of first love, or is this a silly schoolgirl crush? I don't know. I think that's what scares me the most. The fact that at any given moment, we could end and then I'll be without him. I think i'd have terrible anxiety constantly wondering if he's okay, and what's happening with him. He respected you so much, you know. On multiple occasions, he cancelled plans with all of us to watch Elodie, or do something with you. That's the son everyone's mother wants. Despite his wrongs and sin, he's a good person, and one with a huge heart. I find it hard to believe I used to hate him. I thought he was selfish, and unforgiving and cold. I now see he's none of that. We've developed so much, since that fateful day in hot topic when he acted like an arrogant jerk. He still can be at times, but I know now that that's part of his charm. He has the biggest heart out of anyone I know, and he makes his decisions based on morals, rather than what's popular. And you did that. You raised him right. He's the kind of guy every girl wants, and to this day I wonder why he chose me. Why he wanted an average size girl, with boring brown eyes and a life previously set in greyscale. I don't know. But I'm glad he did. Since I've known your son, and I mean really know, I've blossomed. My life is now filled with the reds of love and the greens and yellows of happiness. Now that you're gone, I'm experiencing the blues of sadness as well, but it's something. Before him, before you, my life seemed boring. Dull. And emotionless. Now I'm everything but. Moving here was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and falling for him is as well, don't get me wrong, but it's different. It's like, it was meant to happen. He's the one I was meant to get to know, and meant to fix. I've always been told I look for the broken ones, so I can fix them. Well, Mason's not broken, but he somehow is managing to break me. I feel like everyone in a way has cracks. You have to, or you'll never be able to let the light in. I know I sure do, and I believe Mason is my light. My days are so much better now, happier even. He brings up an emotion in me that I can't even begin to describe, and because of all of this, I am forever grateful and indebted to you. You should be proud. I hope, as you look down on us, that you are proud of me too. And that you will someday see me as a suitable girl for your son. Even if we don't work, I promise I will be there for him. I promise. And I don't break my promises. And in return, you can help me. Why, you may ask? Because, Louise, I know now that I'm not even falling anymore. I've fallen. And I need him to catch me. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't. I think I love him. And I'm scared. I wish you were here, so I could talk to you. I've never used that word before, not in this sense anyways. God, I'm scared. But at the same time, I feel content. I feel like I can say, that even if it doesn't workout with him, I won't regret him. I could never regret him. Thank you for listening. I promise I will be there for him.

I promise.

Sincerely, Alexis Anderson.

AUTHORS NOTE

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