34

I stared at the couple playing pool. The girl stood right behind the other girl, bending and guiding her hand up the pool stick. She kissed her neck as her girlfriend took the shot, making her miss.

"Here."

I looked at Tyler on the other side of the bar. He put the box full of bourbon onto the bar top. I looked at him, "Thanks."

"You okay? You look distracted."

I got up from my seat. "I'm fine."

"Really? I heard about that Kai thing from Care. That really sucks."

I grabbed the box, carefully pulling it off the bar. "I know."

"You sure you don't want some help?"

I nodded as I turned away. I froze, seeing the door of the Grill open. Or rather who opened it. Kai with some other guys. I felt paralyzed. Kai's eyes landed on me. The smile on his face faltered. A faraway look crossed his face. He looked at the people with him and said something. He started walking toward me.

He stopped a few feet from me. His eyes moved from the box to my face. After a minute, he spoke. "Hi."

I held the box tighter. "Hi."

He took a breath. He looked at the box. "Do you want some help?"

"I've got it."

He looked up at my face again. "Right." He opened his mouth to speak.

"Aren't you supposed to avoid me or whatever?"

He tilted his head, "I was just -"

"Going against your own words." I looked over at the people he came in with. Their eyes were focused on us. I looked at him. "If you just didn't want to be around me anymore, you could've said that."

"That's not -"

"I have to go."

He put his hands on mine before I could walk away. "Listen to me."

"The last time I did that, I couldn't breathe after."

"Evelyn -"

"Let go of me before I scream."

He sighed and stepped back. I took the opportunity to get away from him.

I loaded the bourbon into my trunk and drove to the boarding house. I got the case before going inside. I kicked the door shut behind me more aggressively than I intended.

"What did the door do to you?"

I looked up to see Damon, Elena, Enzo, Bonnie, Caroline, and Stefan. "Someone take this before I throw it."

Damon walked over and took it from me. "What's wrong with you?"

I stepped back. "Nothing."

I walked around him toward the living room. I stood behind the couch that was seating Elena and Bonnie. Caroline and Stefan were standing together behind the opposite couch. Enzo was by the fireplace. Why his presence is necessary is questionable.

Once Damon was seated next to Elena again, the conversation started up again.

"Okay, now tell us why we're here," Bonnie directed her statement to Care and Stefan.

They glanced at each other. The smiles on their faces were nauseating.

Caroline looked over at us. She held up her left hand as she announced, "We're getting married!" The ring on her finger was huge and shiny.

A small part of me felt jealous. Not of her relationship with Stefan but of her relationship in general. She's able to have a healthy, functioning relationship that can move to another level, and I'm stuck with a relationship that can't even be real, one that I'm not even sure I want.

Stefan walked over to me, escaping the conversation with everyone else. I looked down at my hands on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"That shouldn't even be a question." I looked at him. "This isn't a night for my problems. This is for you two."

He stepped closer. "Tell that to the tears in your eyes."

I looked away from him. "Sorry." I looked at him. "I'm happy for you two." I nodded. "Really." I inhaled sharply.

"You should go home."

I tilted my head, "I need -"

"I'll talk to Caroline." He nodded toward the door. "Go get some sleep."

I stared at him for a minute, not sure if I should actually go. After the images of Kai earlier flashed in my mind, I was on my way home.

I couldn't walk further into the house. I was plagued by the memories of him. Everything about him was imprinted in my mind. He was imprinted in my mind. Why is he there?

I was sitting criss-cross in the middle of the foyer with dried tears on my face, staring at the front door.

My heart jumped, hoping Kai would walk through it when the door opened. Instead, the familiar face of my roommate greeted me. His eyes moved down to mine. He looked scared and sad. He shut the door and took a few steps closer. He held his hands out to me.

I breathed out slowly as I took his hands, and he pulled me to my feet. He moved his hands to my face, wiping away my tears.

"I was in town when I got a call from your sister. 'Go to my house right now.' She told me about what happened to you. And she told me why you're not with her right now and what happened with Kai. She didn't tell me why you're crying, though. So you have to tell me."

I stared at him, unsure of what I should say.

"Go sit down." He moved his hands to my shoulders and turned me toward the couch.

I walked over and sat down. I stared at the coffee table. I pulled a pillow onto my lap, hugging it to my body. A few minutes passed.

"Here you go." Ryan held out a glass of wine.

I hesitantly took it from him. I stared at the red liquid, wondering if I should drink it. After deciding to do so, I spent the next few minutes drinking it. The taste was rich and a little fruity. He took the glass. After about half an hour of drinking in silence, I was ready to talk.

"I saw him earlier. On my way to Stefan's. He was laughing and smiling and happy. And he was with people." I picked at a thread on the pillow. "And he told me that we couldn't even talk to each other because it was dangerous and he had to deal with whatever drama he was mixed up in. Before that he left for a week and didn't call me. He went back to Portland, and he didn't even tell me." I looked at him. "He told me he couldn't see me anymore, and then he kissed me."

He sighed. He put his hand on mine. "I would kill him for you, but there's no way I can. I can try."

I shook my head. I looked back down at the pillow. "If you kill him, then I..." I looked at him again. "He never severed the link between us."

He looked as mad as I felt. "And he wants to keep you out of his drama?"

I looked in front of me, trying to suppress my anger. There was a scream caught in my throat. One of pure anger. I spent the next few minutes calming myself down. "I don't know why I care so much. I don't care this much. I don't care at all, actually. He obviously doesn't care this much, so why should I? He thinks he knows what's best for me and then he does the complete fucking opposite of what's best for me. He linked our lives to get out of his own mess! That's not keeping me safe, that's being selfish and careless." I put my hands over my face and groaned in frustration.

"Well, I think saying you don't care is a complete lie."

I moved my hands to the sides of my face. "What-"

"A person who doesn't care wouldn't act the way you do. You obviously care about him. You're upset because he left you and he isn't in your life right now. A person who doesn't care wouldn't be upset about those things. Even if I were comatose I would be able to see that you love him."

I moved my hands to the pillow and turned to face him. "I am not in love with him! I hate him! He makes me mad and he doesn't listen to me. He pretends to know what's best for me. He disappears for weeks at a time without saying a word to me about what he's doing or where he's going! He shuts me out and then drags me back in. He keeps me away from things I want to be involved in. He thinks I need protection from..." I slowed down my rushed words. "...from everything that could hurt me. And even when I don't want him around he- He's always there. I can't be around him without..." I felt light headed.

My words rushed to my mind, bleeding into my heart. He cares. He's not here because he cares. I can't be friends with him because if I watch him with other girls I'll get hurt and jealous because I want to be the girl. I can't just have sex with him because that's not enough. Nothing will ever be enough except him. I can't have a piece of him, I need all of him.

I got up and ran to the bathroom. I knelt down in front of the toilet and leaned forward, throwing up. I felt him pull my hair back, holding it. He rested his hand on my back.

I sat back against the sink, pulling my knees against my chest and resting my hands over my face. "He's such a dick." I felt his hand on my knee.

"I know."

I moved my hands to my stomach. I leaned my head on his shoulder and slid my arm around his, holding his forearm. "I need him."

"I know."