35

"Summer?"

Stefan stared at Caroline as she lifted off her reasons. They've finally moved on from picking where to pick when.

"Whatever you want, Care."

She sighed in frustration. "This is your wedding too."

"I know, but the only thing that really matters to me is that it's with you."

"Aww." I started to take a drink of the bourbon in my hands.

Caroline glared at me. "Be quiet."

I glanced at Stefan as I pulled the glass back to my lap.

The front door opened. I didn't look over for a minute, too caught up in their wedding date debacle. Once I did, I almost choked on air. Kai was talking to Damon.

Kai walked into the kitchen, and Damon walked further into the living room. He walked to the bourbon tray behind the couch. I got up and walked over to him. He looked at me.

"Why is he here?"

He sighed as he looked back down at the glass he was pouring. "I invited him."

I waited for further explanation.

He turned to face me. "You decided to send my friend back home before we could have one drink. This is karma, Evelyn."

"Hmm, and here I thought you only believed in your own shoddy psychopathic killing sprees."

"Just because my belief system isn't broadcasted, it doesn't mean I don't have one." He walked over to the couch. A few seconds later, Kai was seated next to him.

I averted my eyes to the calendar Caroline was holding. "The 17th."

"A month," Stefan asked.

She looked at him. "It'll be fine. Evelyn will help." They looked at me.

I nodded once, "Sure."

"Great," Caroline responded. They looked at each other.

I pulled out my phone after it buzzed.

Ryan:

Need saving?

Me:

ASAP.

Ryan:

Almost there.

I sighed and put my phone back in my pocket. He dropped me off an hour ago to run errands. He was vague about what kind. I omitted the coming back part to Damon. I also didn't tell Ryan that Damon's here to save myself time.

"Okay, I have to go." Caroline kissed Stefan, then stood up and turned to me. "Do you need a ride?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Okay. I'll see you at home then."

I nodded, and she walked away, leaving.

"Stressed yet?"

Stefan laughed softly at Damon's question. "A little."

"You should've pushed it off. That's what I did."

"And how's that going for you?" I took a drink and swallowed it.

Damon glared at me. "We're fine."

I smiled. "Is that what she tells you?"

"Evelyn," Stefan warned.

I looked at him. "I'm just saying." I looked at Damon. "You've been with Elena for six years. You've broken up ten times, and you keep doing it. Maybe settling down is what you need. Or at least take another step. You seem stuck."

"I'm not -" He sighed. "We're fine."

"Whatever you say."

I could see the slight panic in his eyes. "She hasn't -"

"She had a plan before she met you." I looked at Stefan. "And you." I looked at Damon again. "You two ruined Caroline and Elena's lives. You know that, right? You can admit that you did that?"

"Evelyn." Kai's voice sparked something in me that settled between rage and admiration.

I looked at Stefan. "Just don't be so detached from the wedding planning. You owe her that. It's a lot, but it's what you signed up for." It got quiet. An awkward, meaningful quiet.

The front door opened, then shut.

"I didn't choose to mess up her plan and ruin her life."

I looked at Damon. "You had the choice to walk away from her."

"Sure, but I couldn't choose not to feel anything for her."

"Right. You can't choose who you fall in love with. But you can choose to ignore it."

"Why would anyone put themselves through that," Damon questioned. He looked over at whoever walked in.

My eyes betrayed me, moving to Kai. His eyes were already on mine. I felt his stare through my entire body. There was hurt and confusion in his eyes. I averted my gaze to the glass in my hands.

"What did I walk into?"

I sat the glass on the table and looked over at Ryan. "Did you ever ruin anyone's life by loving them?"

He furrowed his brows, "I don't think so."

"You've been in love with someone, though. And you ignored those feelings. Why?"

He shifted his weight from one foot to another. "Because I... I didn't want to mess up her life."

I looked at Damon. "You sacrifice your feelings for theirs."

"You're being philosophical?" Ryan walked toward me.

I looked at him. "Unfortunately."

He stopped beside me and fixed himself a drink.

"Evelyn thinks we ruin people's lives by loving them."

"I never said by loving them. I said by pursuing our love for them and getting in their way."

"You're projecting."

I looked at Ryan. "That doesn't make it any less true."

He stared at me, "Do you remember what happened between us? We turned out fine."

"I think fine is a stretch."

"Okay, not fine. But we don't hate each other."

"What was your point, anyway? Caroline's happy."

I looked at Stefan. "I didn't say she wasn't."

"What were you saying?"

I stared at him, unsure of how to answer.

"If you really loved someone enough, you wouldn't even consider the possibility of letting them lose what they have just to be with them," Kai answered.

I looked at him. I didn't know if I should talk or not. I could feel Stefan, Damon, and Ryan's eyes move to me. I looked at Damon. "Elena was happy with the life she had before you. She wasn't dead. She had a life before you, and it's entirely different now. You ruined the life she could've had. You think it's better now, and it could be. I just know she wants more than what you have now. And she won't wait forever."

It suddenly occurred to me that Kai can feel everything I do. He knows. I know he feels something. I can feel it.

Damon segued the conversation into the bachelor party. I took the opportunity to go to the kitchen. I drank some water and then made my way out of the kitchen. Kai pulled his phone away from his face, turning it off. I paused, noticing the absence of everyone else.

Kai's eyes met mine. A weight rested in my chest; it only went away when I was close to him. But I can't be close to him.

"They're in the study."

I nodded once, "Okay."

There was a heavy look in his eyes. "I should be going."

I squeezed my hands tighter behind my back. "Okay." My voice was softer this time. It was a cry for him to stay. He knows that.

He stepped closer, his fist tightened. "I'll see you later."

Not goodbye. "Okay."

As he turned away, a smile flooded his lips. I watched the door shut behind him. I walked backward to the couch. I fell back on it, putting my hands over my face.

"You're terrible at hiding your feelings," Damon stated.

"He can feel my feelings. It doesn't matter."

"Seriously," Stefan asked.

"Can someone please push me off a bridge so I can feel something?"

I felt Ryan's hands grab mine. "No, ma'am." He pulled me up. I stared at him; my body slumped. He put his hands on my face and straightened my head. "You need to stop moping because of him."

I fell forward onto him. He didn't even flinch. "I need him."

"Did I miss something? I thought you were just friends," Stefan asked.

Ryan put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer. "Evelyn has recently been made aware of her feelings for him."

I rested my forehead against his shoulder.

"Can't you feel what he feels for you if he feels what you feel for him?"

"He's not allowed to have feelings for me."

"Since when did feelings have rules," Damon asked.

Ryan moved his hands to my shoulders and pulled me away. He moved his hand to my chin, lifting my head. "You're drunk, right?"

"Sure."

"Because there's no way that you - Evelyn Forbes, the girl who was so ambitious she graduated from Harvard two years early just to prove a point, the girl who wrote eight essays in four hours, the girl who gets whatever she wants without giving a damn about the people who tell her she can't get it - are this depressed over Kai."

"Right on the nail," I answered.

"He broke her," Damon commented.

"I'll fix it," Ryan responded. He sighed and wrapped his arms around my waist, throwing me over his shoulder. He carried me out to the car.

...

I stared at Caroline and Stefan as they stared at each other. The smiles on their faces were pure love. The sickeningly sweet sentences falling from their mouths were making me bitter.

"I was in love once."

"Evelyn," Ryan warned.

I let out an exaggerated sigh as I looked at him. "He was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me."

Ryan stared at me with an annoyed look on his face. "You're even sad to look at."

I looked at Caroline and Stefan again. "It was an indestructible love. Until your mother smashed it with a sledgehammer. She broke down my will to live. Then he fixed it. Then he broke it." I shook my head. "An unfortunate life I live." I looked at the empty glass of bourbon in front of me. "I was so young. I had so much life ahead of me." An exaggerated sigh fell from my lips.

"If you sigh again, I'm going to slap you."

I looked at Ryan. "Do it. Maybe I'll feel something again."

"I should take her home," Caroline said to Stefan.

"No, it's okay." Ryan put his hand on my arm. "I've got it."

I put my hand on his wrist. "Unhand me, sir. I don't know you."

He ushered me out of the booth. I let him guide me out of the Grill and into his car. I've drank myself beyond comprehension.

"He used to drive me; you know. Now I hate cars."

"Go to sleep, Evelyn."

"We used to sleep together; you know. Now I hate sleeping."

He put his hand over my eyes, forcing me to close my eyes. I tried to speak, but I was too exhausted to finish the thought.