47

I stared at the ceiling. The feeling of Kai's mouth on my neck wasn't helping to distract me from my thoughts. I felt his hand move from my side to the bed. He lifted his head and moved to look down at me as he sighed. He searched my face for the answer to a question he hadn't asked yet.

"Why'd you stop?"

He cocked his head, "You're not enjoying it."

"Mhm." I moved my hand to the side of his face. "I am. I promise."

"You seem distracted."

I shook my head once. "No."

He stared at me for a second before moving to lay next to me. I moved my hands to my stomach, sighing. For the first time in a long time, it felt awkward between us. The sudden guilt that filled me led to sadness and self-loathing.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out quietly.

"Why?" His interest in talking seemed far away.

A lump caught in my throat. I sat up. I moved to face him. I looked at him as he kept staring at the ceiling. "You're mad at me."

He shook his head once. "I'm not mad at you." He crossed his arms over his face. "I'm..." He sighed, "Fuck, I don't know."

I looked down at my hands in my lap. I could feel the tension radiating off his body. We haven't had sex in a week. I'd be lying if I said I want to, and I'd betray myself if I did it just for him. With the funeral tomorrow it feels wrong to think about anything except Jo and everyone else. I felt him sit up. He grabbed my hands and I looked up at him.

"I'm not mad at you, baby. I know you're dealing with... everything, but I just wish you would give me something to work with. Tell me what you're thinking, or tell me what you feel."

I stared at him, not knowing what to say. I want to tell him everything, but everything feels off. Nothing feels the same with him. We can't talk to each other. He's lying to me and I can't talk to him. Ignoring it is killing me, but it's the only thing I feel like I can do.

I leaned closer, pressing my lips to his. I kissed him slowly. I pulled my hands from his, reaching for his face. He groaned, his hands finding my waist. I kissed him harder as I moved to straddle his lap. His needy hands roamed my body, not leaving an inch untouched.

I pushed his pants lower, freeing his hard cock. He moaned into the kiss, his fingers digging into my hips. I groaned. I pulled the shirt I was wearing higher, holding it with one hand. I used my other hand to guide him into me.

I moaned in pain as I sunk down on him. I stopped when just an inch of him was inside of me, feeling more pain than usual. He pulled me lower, making me scream. He moved a hand to the back of my head. He slid his hand up my back, grabbing my shoulder.

He slammed into me as he laid me back, making me gasp. I could feel tears in my eyes. His hand fisted my hair, pulling it. His fingers dug into my skin, leaving bruises. His mouth hung open as mine did. His breath mixed with mine, his pleasure at the cost of my pain. I kept my hands at the sides of his face.

I took a breath to keep myself from crying. I reminded myself that just because I don't want it, it doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. This is for him. I love him and he wants this. As wrong as it feels, I need to do this for him.

"You're so tight." He groaned as he rested his head against mine.

I moaned. A few seconds later, he started thrusting in and out of me harshly. I held my breath for a few seconds, willing the tears in my eyes to go away. I arched into him as I slid my hands to his shoulders.

"Kai..." I couldn't get the words in my mouth to come out. I want him to stop, I want to stop. I dug my nails into his skin as I whimpered, "Stop."

His grip on my hair tightened. He started going faster, setting my nerves on fire. I moaned as he bottomed out inside me. He buried his face in my neck, moaning as he came inside me. I sucked in air as I tried to stop myself from crying. I closed my eyes for a minute, trying to think of anything other than him inside me and how much I didn't want him to be.

I'm his girlfriend, I should want to have sex with him. I shouldn't feel upset or bad in any way. I should feel happy that he wants me. But I don't. There's a guilt settling itself into my body right with disgust. I didn't want this. I wanted him to stop. I should've spoken up.

He started kissing up my neck. He kissed my lips softly as he pulled out. He lifted his head and stared down at me. I inhaled sharply, trying to breathe down the lump in my throat.

He furrowed his brows, "What's wrong?"

I moved my hands to his chest, pushing against him. He moved to sit next to me. As I sat up I pulled myself further away from him, wrapping my arms around myself as I moved my legs to my chest. I leaned my head forward, resting my forehead against my knees as a sob slipped past my lips.

"Baby," he whispered softly.

I lifted my head. "I told you... I said stop."

He was quiet for a minute. "I didn't hear you." The fear in his voice made me feel smaller. "If I heard you, I would've stopped."

I closed my eyes as I sighed. "I know," I cried. I took a breath before speaking. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for this, you didn't... You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who's sorry."

"No." I kept my eyes closed. "I'm supposed to want to have sex with you. I'm supposed to want you. You don't deserve to have your needs ignored just because I'm dealing with my own feelings."

"Evelyn, no. If you don't want to have sex, you don't have to have sex. Even if we are dating, that's not how it works. I should've stopped. We shouldn't have even had sex. You're too upset."

The sound of his voice was making me nauseous. I moved my hands to cover my face as I sobbed.

"Baby," he prodded softly.

"No," I whined. I pulled my hands away as I looked up at him. The hurt in his eyes made me feel worse. I breathed out shakily. I sat up off the headboard and wrapped my arms around my legs. "I know you didn't mean it."

He shook his head once, "It doesn't matter, I still did it."

"Of course it matters," I responded breathily. I looked away from him. "You didn't hear me. I should've-"

"No, you aren't to blame here at all. I should've just left you alone."

I looked at him as he stood up. I tilted my head, "Where are you going?"

He shook his head as he started getting dressed. "I'm sorry."

I moved my hands to my knees as I straightened my legs, "Kai."

After buttoning his jeans, he pulled on his shirt. He started toward the door. I heard the front door slam before I even got out of bed. I leaned back as I huffed out a breath of air.

I reached for my phone before realizing his was right next to mine. I felt defeated. He left me without saying anything except he's sorry. I suddenly felt angry. How does he get to feel bad about this? Why am I feeling bad that he feels bad? This all feels so small compared to everything else we've gone through. He left because he got scared.

I sighed as I got up. I walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower.

...

He's been gone for three days. He hasn't let me or anyone else know where he is or how he is. I haven't left his apartment, though, in case he comes back.

I finished putting on the earrings that matched the necklace I had on. It was the necklace Ryan gave to me a few years ago. I stepped back from the mirror and grabbed my shoes. I slipped them on before checking how I looked.

The black dress reached my knees. The short sleeves led to a scoop neck. I curled my hair an hour ago, and it's mostly waves at this point, but who cares.

I grabbed my phone before heading out of the apartment. I shut the door before taking the elevator down to the lobby. I got in my car and drove to the cemetery. I parked and sat in my car for a few minutes.

They decided not to have a funeral for Ric, but to just get together at the headstone from a few years ago.

I stared at them for a minute longer before getting out. I walked over slowly, procrastinating saying goodbye to him again. I stopped at the headstone, crossing my arms. I stared at his name engraved on the stone. I could hear everyone talking at the benches that were planted a few grave plots away.

I took a moment before walking over to them. Damon and Elena were seated on a bench together. Matt and Jeremy sat beside one another. Caroline was standing beside Bonnie and Stefan.

"Where's Jo?"

"She went home early," Damon answered after swallowing the drink of bourbon he took.

"Where have you been," Caroline wondered.

"Alone," I looked at her. "Sorry."

She shook her head.

"What do you mean? Hasn't Kai been with you," Elena asked.

I looked at her. "I actually don't know where he is." I nodded once.

"Ooh," Damon commented. "What happened?"

I shook my head, "Nothing."

"If that were true, he would be here."

"I am here." Kai's voice from behind me made me whip my head to see him. He stepped beside me, keeping a foot of distance between us.

I stared at him for a minute before taking a step back. "I'm leaving." I turned and started walking away.

"Evelyn," Caroline called as she ran after me. I kept walking, staring at the ground to watch my step. Caroline ran to get ahead of me. She put her hands up, "Stop for a minute." She breathed out slowly as she stepped closer. "Tell me what happened."

I shook my head, "Nothing happened, I'm just pissed off."

"Why?"

I sighed, "It doesn't matter." I started walking again, making it within two feet of my car before someone grabbed my wrist.

Kai turned me to face him. "Stop."

I pulled my hand away. "Glad to see you finally learned the word." I stepped away from him.

"What," Caroline asked. I looked at her to see a look of confusion and fear on her face as well as on Stefan's, who was next to her now. "What happened?"

I looked at Kai. The annoyed look on his face only made me angrier. "Tell them," he ordered.

I scoffed, "Go to hell." I turned away from him, getting in my car. I drove away from the cemetery.

The hope of working this out was starting to drain from my body.

I parked and got out. I started walking toward the entrance of the apartment. I heard tires squeal. I didn't stop to see who it was because I already knew. I kept walking, taking the steps up to his apartment. I opened the door and walked in. I slammed the door behind me as I walked into the living room. I sat my phone on the coffee table. I heard the door open then slam.

"Why didn't you say anything?!"

I turned to look at him. "You've been gone for three days! I had no way of knowing where you were! Then you come back and try to force me to tell them something that I don't even care about anymore!"

"If you don't care then why are you upset?!"

"Because you left me alone! You knew I needed you and you left me! How else am I supposed to react-" My voice caught in my throat as tears filled my eyes. "I needed you and you weren't here."

He shook his head, "I hurt you. I couldn't deal with it."

I raised my brows, "You couldn't deal with it?" I scoffed. "Do you realize how fucked up that is?" I swallowed as I shook my head. "I know you didn't mean it, that's all that matters. You could've stayed and we could've worked it out. We could be okay right now if you just let us."

He stared at me. The longing look in his eyes was morphed with fear. His jaw was clenched, his whole body tense.

I started walking toward him. "I love you. And I'm so tired of fighting with you." I stopped in front of him. His furrowed brow made him look helpless. His eyes were glossy. I cupped his face in my hands. "I forgive you." He was still tense, making him feel a thousand miles away. I swallowed the guilt in my throat. I tilted my head, "Let me forgive you." I exhaled shakily. I slid my hands back, letting the tips of my fingers tangle in his hair. I stepped closer, closing the distance between our bodies. I brushed my thumb gently over his skin. "I need you," I continued. "More than anything, I need you." I glanced at his lips for a second before looking back into his eyes. "I need you to talk to me. I need you to hold me. I need you to touch me. I need you to need me. I need you to let me let you back in." I shook my head, "Because I don't think I can do this anymore."

He inhaled a short breath before entangling me in his arms. His arms were wrapped around me, his hands resting on my sides. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pushing up on my toes and leaning further into him. I shut my eyes tightly as I breathed him in.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he whispered. He sighed shakily. "I'm so-" his voice caught in his throat.

I hugged him tighter. "I forgive you."

A shaky sigh from his lips skated across my skin. I moved my hand to the side of his face as I pulled my head back. I pressed my lips to his, kissing him softly. After a brief moment, he kissed back. He restrained himself from kissing me as intensely as he usually did.

I pulled back from the kiss and looked at him. He stared at my lips for a moment before meeting my eyes. His brows were furrowed. He pressed his lips together as he swallowed.

"You should go back."

I shook my head once, sliding my hand to his neck. "No. I want to be here with you."

He moved his hands to mine. He took a small step back as he pulled our hands between us. "You're supposed to be-"

"Here with you. I don't need to be drinking in a cemetery to try and get over Ric's death. I want to be here, so I'm staying." I squeezed his hands. "Just let me be with you."

He thought for a minute before nodding. He pulled his hands away as he stepped closer. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest. I slid my arms around his body, bringing myself as close to him as physically possible.