52

Caroline, Damon, and Stefan's conversation was distracting me from the pain in my side. Bonnie came by a while ago and did a spell to keep me from feeling a majority of the pain. She offered to find a way to get rid of it completely, and I told her not to waste her time.

This morning, I woke up to Caroline forcing me awake. After realizing I didn't die last night there, I was disappointed. That made me realize that I have no reason to be alive. Tyler biting me came at a perfect time. Sometimes, things work out.

I felt Ryan sit next to me. He got here an hour ago, and he's barely left my side. I looked at him. The smile on his face was masked by the sad look in his eyes. It made me question why I was letting myself die. I looked at my hands that were resting in my lap.

"You need to tell him." Him as in Kai. I shouldn't have told Ryan that I wasn't going to tell him. "He deserves to know. Even you can admit that." His voice was quiet so no one else could hear.

I took a short, shaky breath. "I can't."

"Why?"

I looked at him. "If I tell him I'm doing this, that I'm letting myself die, and that I'm dying because I saved him, he'll never forgive me. And he'll try to stop me. That's not what I want."

"Maybe." He nodded once, "But it might be what you need."

I shook my head, "I can't do this to him. He doesn't deserve it."

He grabbed my hand. "He loves you, Evelyn. He'll understand better than anyone what you need because he knows you. That man would do anything to make you feel happy, even if it isn't what he wants. He deserves to know what's happening."

The familiar heavy feeling resting on my chest was tearing at my heart. "Okay."

He squeezed my hand before I let go. After a moment, I slinked away. I drove to Kai's. I sat in the car for a few minutes, rehearsing how I might tell him that I'm dying and I don't want to be saved.

All the courage left my body as I knocked on his door. I took one last deep breath, exhaling slowly. I tried to force away the dread that was exuding from me.

He opened the door, revealing himself to me. After registering that I was standing in front of him, a calm look crossed his face. I wanted to speak, but I couldn't.

His eyes traveled down my body, "You look cute." He looked into my eyes again. He pulled the door open further, "Do you want to come in?"

I stared at him for a minute, unsure of how to answer. He stepped back, allowing more space for me to enter. I walked past him, taking a few steps inside. I crossed my arms and turned to face him. I looked up from the floor to his face.

He stepped closer to me. "What are you doing here?"

I stopped biting my tongue. I wasn't sure how to answer him. The nerves that I had left in the car were back, making me scared of how he would react. I don't want him to stop me.

"You're starting to freak me out, babe. Is something wrong?"

I dug my nails into my arm. "I need to tell you something."

He nodded once, "Okay."

"And I don't want you to be upset or mad. I just need you to know."

He stepped closer, "What's going on?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I walked to the couch and sat down. He followed and sat beside me. I twisted my finger back and forth.

He put his hand on mine. "Why are you nervous? It's just me."

His words made tears come to my eyes. "I don't want you to hate me."

"What are you talking about? I don't hate you."

I closed my eyes and turned my hand in his as I leaned toward him, resting my head on his shoulder. He squeezed my hand and wrapped his other arm around me, pulling me closer to him.

"I don't hate you, and I'm not going to be upset. I just need you to tell me what's wrong so I know how to help you."

"I don't want your help."

He was quiet for a minute. "What?"

I sighed before lifting my head. My face was inches from his. "I don't want you to help me. I just want you to know what happened. You can't stop it because I don't want you to."

He furrowed his brows, "Okay."

I glanced at his lips before looking at my hands. "Last night," I looked into his eyes again, "when I was trying to stop Tyler from killing you, I pushed him out of the way. His defense was to bite you, and he thought he did. But since I pushed him away, he... um... he bit me because I was in the way."

There was a blank look on his face as he processed. I could see a range of emotions floating through his eyes. His lips parted as his brows pulled together.

"You're mad." I pulled back slightly, moving my hands to his neck. "Don't be mad at me, please."

"I'm not mad at you. Tyler, however, is another story."

I shook my head once, "He wasn't trying to hurt me. He was trying to help me. Sometimes he just..." I sighed. "This isn't about Tyler. This is about me."

"Right." His hand that was once holding mine was now resting on the outside of my thigh. "Why would you think I would be mad about you getting bit? I mean, I am, but not at you."

I shook my head once, "That's not what I thought you would be mad at me for."

He furrowed his brows, "What then?"

I tilted my head, moving my hands to his chest. I licked my lips as I looked at my hands. "You know what werewolf bites do to vampires, right? I mean, you're pretty smart, and you had eighteen uninterrupted years to learn everything there is to know about supernatural abilities." I looked into his eyes.

A look of realization crossed his face. "You found the cure, right? You healed yourself. Or else you wouldn't be telling me this, unless you're telling me what I know you're not telling me. Tell me you're not going to let this kill you because if you don't - "

"Kai, stop for a minute." I slid my hands to his shoulder, squeezing them. "Just stop talking."

He breathed out shakily. His brows pulled together, a look of disbelief on his face. The hurt that consumed him bled into me, and I let it. I let his sadness get to me. I let the silence surround us as he comprehended what he didn't want to.

I'm giving up on everything, even us. After everything we've done and everything we've sacrificed, there's no more us. Because of me. Everything we've built is being wrecked because of a decision I'm making. I could easily be healed. I could get Klaus' blood or have Kai suck the magic out, but why would I do that when I could just give up like always.

"You can't do this," he begged. "I need you. I need you to stay. Let me heal you. Please. I can save you."

I shook my head, "No." I brushed my thumb over his cheek. "I don't want you to save me."

He was quiet for a minute. Tears formed in his eyes. "I don't want to let go of you. I don't want to give you up. Why are you so okay with giving up on yourself?"

I thought for a moment. I've never been asked that question. No one's ever bothered to wonder either, not even me. Sometimes, there's comfort in sadness that I can't seem to find anywhere else. Disappointment and grief weave together to make a blanket that brings a warmth nothing else could come close to.

"Evelyn."

"I can't keep living a life that keeps giving me an out. I have more reasons to go than to stay and I don't want to live like this." I slid my hands to his neck. "I'm sorry."

He moved his hands to my waist. He opened his mouth as if to say something. He shook his head once. His eyes flicked to my lips before looking into mine again. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pulled me onto his lap.

He buried his face in my neck. I pulled my arm back, resting my hand on the back of his head. He slid his arms around me, pressing my body against his. His crying made my tears break from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. I pressed my head to his, my cheek resting against the side of his head.

I dragged my fingertips through his hair, trying to soothe him. His crying slowed down, eventually turning to slow breathing. His heart was beating as slowly as mine.

He moved a hand to my waist. I lifted my head as he tilted his head back to look up at me. I looked across his face, taking in his sad expression. There was acceptance in his eyes, which felt like a stake to the heart.

I can't expect him to be okay with the love of his life dying. I wouldn't be. I wasn't. If I was, our roles would be reversed right now, except he would stay if I begged him to.

His hands rested on my hips. His lips parted as he stared at mine. His eyes were deep, drawing me in. His body heat was pushing toward me, engulfing me. He looked into my eyes again. The desperation that rested in the way he was staring at me was primal.

He closed the short distance between our lips, kissing me slowly with as much need as I held for him. I moaned softly as he kissed me harder.

I moved my hands to his shirt, and he pulled back as I pulled it off. While separated, I pulled the dress I was wearing over my head. I went to kiss him again, but he became distracted by the bite. I forced him to look up at me, "Focus."

A wide smile took over his mouth. He moved his hand to the back of my neck, pulling me down to kiss him. He moved his hands to my hips.

He moved his hands to my bra, pulling it off of me. He moved his lips to my neck. I rested my hand on the back of his head. He wrapped one arm around my waist, putting the other on my upper back. He laid me on the couch, moving his body between my legs.

He lifted his head and stared down at me. "This is what you're giving up, you know. Exchanging this for death seems like a very bad decision."

"Shut up," I laughed. I pulled him back down to kiss me.

He moaned softly. He moved his hands to my hips.

There was a knock on the door. He groaned as he stopped kissing me.

"You're not answering that." I grabbed his face and made him look at me again.

Whoever was on the other side knocked again. His eyes floated to my lips for a second, "It'll just be a second."

I started to speak, but he was already getting up. I watched him walk to the door and open it for only him to be visible. I could hear whoever it was he was talking to, but I didn't recognize their voice. I decided to use this time to stand up. I pulled off my shoes, discarding them.

He shut the door and started walking over as I hooked my fingers around the waistband of my panties. He hurried over, pressing my hands against my body. I looked up at his face. His eyes found their way to mine after staring at my boobs for a solid thirty seconds.

"That's the fun part."

"Actually, the fun part is having sex."

"No. Taking your clothes off is the fun part. It's like opening a present. A really, really fun and hot present that I can play with forever and not get bored."

I tilted my head. "Who was at the door?"

"Doesn't matter. It's just you and me now, baby." He kissed me. "Forever."

I laughed as he started kissing me again. He pulled my hands behind my back and then pulled me against him. I tilted my head back further, kissing him deeper. He pressed my hands together as he moved his hands to my panties. He pushed them down my thighs and then let them fall to the floor.

He kept a hand against my thigh, moving the other to my face. He started to walk me backward toward the bedroom. I planted my hand against his stomach, steadying myself as I walked backward. His touch was light as he dragged his hand to my hip. He guided me to sit at the end of the bed.

I stared up at him as I slid my hands to his sweatpants. They were already hanging low, revealing his V-line. His hand moved to the side of my face, keeping my head tilted back. I pushed his pants away, freeing his hard cock.

I moved a hand to his lower stomach, wrapping the other around the base of his cock. I pumped my hand along his cock, reaching the tip. I used my thumb to spread his precum around slowly, making him moan. As I leaned forward, taking him in my mouth, his lips parted.

I twisted my hand gently as I pumped back to the base of his cock. I took him deeper into my mouth, pressing my tongue flat against him. He sucked in a breath of air as he hit the back of my throat. I stopped for a moment, pumping him with my hand as I hallowed out my cheeks.

He pushed his hand back through my hair, stopping at the back of my head. I pulled my head back, then took him in again. He gripped my hair, trying to pull me back, "You're going to hurt yourself."

I moved my hand to his wrist. I took him deeper, the tip of his cock reaching further into my throat. I pulled back slightly then took him deeper again, making him moan again. I pulled back, releasing him from my mouth.

I looked up at him. "Use me."

He looked confused at first. He released a breath of air. "What?"

I swallowed. "When we first started having sex, you told me you would be gentle at first. Do what you promised."

A look I was unfamiliar with changed his expression. "Are you sure?"

"Why else would I mention it?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but instead smiled. He tilted his head, "Whatever you want, baby."

I took him back in my mouth. It only took a second before he was controlling me. He pushed my head further, taking over half of him into my mouth, causing drool to spill down my chin. I moaned against him. I pressed my tongue flat against him. He twisted my hair around his hand, using it as leverage. He moved my head up and down his cock.

I rocked my hips forward, trying to soothe my throbbing clit. He pushed me down on his cock as far as he could. I swallowed as I shut my eyes. He moaned, the sound making my head feel light. I moved my hand between my legs, rubbing my clit in circles.

He used my mouth for a moment, making my head move slowly. "You're taking it so good, baby." I sucked him gently as I took him deeper. He stilled his movement, pushing my head as far as he could, making his cum shoot straight down my throat. I swallowed it willingly, moaning as I did.

He pulled my head back and made me look up at him. I kept rubbing my clit in slow circles as I pumped him.

"You look so pretty when you're needy." He moved his other hand to the side of my face, using his thumb to wipe my chin. He pushed his thumb into my open mouth. "Suck." I closed my mouth around his thumb, sucking it gently. He let go of my hair and moved his hand to my arm. "Give me your hand."

I moaned, reluctantly pulling my hand away. He pulled his thumb from my mouth and moved his hand further back, his fingers resting in my hair.

"Lay down and keep your legs open."

I moved back and laid down, staring at the ceiling. A minute later, I felt his hands on my thighs, pushing them away as his mouth covered my pussy. I gasped as he moved his tongue up to my clit while his mouth moved slowly. He sucked my clit gently.

He dove his tongue inside of me, making me moan louder. My eyes fell shut as euphoria raked through me. I arched off the bed as his tongue swirled through my pussy, circling my clit then plunging into me. I whined as he sucked my clit, smoothing his tongue over it a moment later. He hummed against me for a minute. I rocked my hips against his face.

The orgasm that crashed through me, kept me pinned to the mattress, unable to see. I pressed my hand against the back of his head, gripping his hair. His response was to go faster, making me immobile. A string of incoherent noises passed my lips.

After regaining my senses. I pulled my hand away and raised up on my elbows. He lifted his head and looked up at me, "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Mhm."

He pushed against my thighs as he moved to lay over me. He rested his arms on the mattress and I laid back. I moved my hands to his neck, resting my thumbs against his jaw. He stared down at me, his eyes wandering my face for a moment before focusing back on my eyes. "You look tired."

"Mhm."

"And you want to keep going?"

I moved my hand to the back of his head, bringing him closer. "Yes." I started kissing him.

He moved his hand to my head. The other helped him push into me, which was easier thanks to his tongue. Our moans synched as he pushed into me. I moved my hands to his. He slid his fingers between mine, pulling our hands above our heads.

He pushed into me faster than he pulled out. When he thrusted into me, I rocked my hips forward, meeting his. His lips parted from mine as he lost himself in fucking me. He rested his forehead against mine. He crossed my wrists, pinning them above us with one hand. He moved the other to my throat, squeezing it gently before moving to toy with my nipples, palming my boob every few seconds.

I could feel his cock twitch as he got closer to cumming. I arched off the bed, my thighs trembling from how sensitive my body felt. He started fucking me faster, only lasting for a minute before thrusting into me, cumming when I did. He squeezed my wrists harshly as he pressed his head to mine.

Our breathing mixed together, making the haze surrounding me feel even more euphoric. He loosened his grip on my hands. His other hand moved to my side as he pulled out of me. He moved to lay next to me while pulling a blanket over us. I moved my hands to my stomach as I kept staring at the ceiling.

I felt his hand on the top of my head. His fingers worked gently on my scalp, massaging my head. I let my eyes close, letting the softness of his touch relax me.

"I meant what I said earlier."

After a moment I responded, "What?"

"You said you had more reasons to leave than to stay. I don't believe that. I asked you about giving this up for death."

I felt a sense of dread wash over me. "This is nice, I like this. It's just not like this all the time." Exhaustion was starting to weigh in on me.

He stopped moving his fingers. "Is that what you want?" I felt him move closer. "I can do that."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. "No, you can't. You know you can't. Our lives are way too fucked up to live like this forever. In a week, there will be more life-threatening situations that someone will have to die for."

"Think about now, Evelyn." He grabbed my hand, squeezing it, "You can choose to stay. You can choose to make something good happen. If you die, it will only make things worse. Tyler will be dead because all of us will kill him. That will make Matt and Jeremy upset and they'll take it out on someone. Not to mention who you're leaving. Caroline will be destroyed. Ryan won't have a best friend. Your house that you've grown up in will be gone." He stopped for a moment. "You're my entire life, Evelyn. I made mistakes, I know. I don't deserve your forgiveness, or you at all. But I need you. I need you more than anything. If you leave, I won't have anything." He shook his head once.

I felt the weight of his words as he stared at me. Maybe for once me leaving will have worse effects than staying. If I go, no one gets any better, not even me. I can't give up, especially not when I can finally have him. I got rid of everything that could separate us. I have the capability to destroy anything that could potentially destroy us, and he knows that now. He also knows I wouldn't hesitate to do that.

I also can't miss out on anything else. I can't leave Caroline or Ryan. Or Lizzie and Amelia. Or Kai. Neither of us are allowed to leave. I made that rule. I can't break my own rule.

I moved my hand to the side of his neck, pulling him down to kiss me. He kissed me slowly. I moved my other hand to his, pulling it to my side. His palm was pressed over the bite. I felt him stop kissing me for a moment. I pressed against his hand, urging him to do it already.

The next few minutes were painful, but it was overridden by the love that he poured into the kiss. I could feel the gratitude in the closeness after. He slid his hand higher after he was done, pulling me against him. I moved my hands to the side of his face as I pulled back from the kiss. I stared down at him.

I looked into his eyes. There was a wave of guilt that washed over me. "I'm sorry."

He moved his hand to mine. "It's okay, baby."

"No." I felt tears in my eyes. "I was trying to leave you."

He moved his hand to the back of my head, "Lay down, Ev."

"You're mad at me."

He cupped my face in his hands. "I am not mad at you. I just need you to lay down and go to sleep because you're exhausted. Can you do that for me?"

"You're going to stay here, right? When I wake up, you'll be next to me?"

He nodded, "Yes."

I stared at him for a moment before laying back down. He turned to his side, resting his head on his hand as he stared at me. He moved his other arm under the blanket to lay across my stomach. His hand rested on my hip, his thumb rubbing my skin gently. His eyes stopped skating across my face and looked into mine.

"I love you."

A small smile spread across his lips. "I love you."

I put my hand on his hand that was on my hip. "Kiss me."

He leaned forward and kissed me softly. After he pulled away, I turned to face away from him. He kept his arm around me, pulling me back against his body. I kept my hand on his, sliding my fingers between his. He used his other hand to pull my hair back off my neck. I felt him kiss my neck softly, then my shoulder.