A Sharpie, A Scratcher and A Cold One

PROMPT: Write a post-apocalyptic story that includes: 1) a sharpie, 2) a cat scratcher, 3) a pack of Corona beer.

CW(s): lots of swearing, mention of a gun and implied violence.

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A u d i o L o g 2 3 - 5 4

"This is Dr. [ static ] speaking. Day ... 296 (I think? Yeah) of my search for the JATA signal tower.

Sorry if the sound isn't the best. I have to whisper right now, because there's another human being snoring up a storm just a couple of feet away.

Yeah. I found someone.

Finally, after all this time of roaming this hellish, God-forsaken place alone, I've found another living person!

Well ... mostly living.

They were a bit out of sorts. But I've patched them up as best as I could without exposing them to the radiation for too long. The fever will break soon, and a couple of hours of sleep should take care of the rest.

I'll keep a close eye on them though.

You know ... just in case.

[ ... ]

I really hope they make it.

I need them to make it.

I don't care if this sounds selfish, but I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of talking to this stupid recorder. I'm tired of listening to nothing but my own voice. I'm tired of the constant dead quiet that settles deep in the back of my skull. I'm tired of the sleepless nights. I'm tired of the paranoia and the constant looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of being tired!

[ loud snoring ]

[ ... ]

I'm just ... so fucking tired...

[ ... ]

This was Dr. [ static ] speaking. Over.

A u d i o L o g 2 3-5 5

"This is Dr. [ static ] speaking. Day 299 (?) of my search for the JATA signal tower.

I would like to formally retract everything I said in my last audio recording.

I may have found another living person, but I clearly failed to consider that 'living' might not necessarily equal 'functioning'.

Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting. I should've known that the chances of finding someone sane in this apocalyptic hellhole were even slimmer than finding another human being who hasn't been reduced to toxic sludge at this point.

But 'bad company is better than no company', right?

Well, not when that same company believes they're part of a secret military operation to protect us from an invading race of radioactive, squid-looking aliens who want to suck our brains out through a paper straw.

And, you know what? Maybe these 'aliens' have actually sucked out part of this weirdo's 'brain juice' already. Because trying to get any information out of them feels exactly like talking to a cross between a hyperactive toddler and a mental patient!

[ ... ]

Shit... I thought I heard a noise. I don't think it's them. I sent them out to search for supplies. If I have any luck left, they'll just get lost or fall into a deep hole somewhere.

[ ... ]

This is punishment.

It must be. I don't really believe in a God, but someone up there must be really enjoying playing some kind of sick joke on me. Why else would I have survived the apocalypse, only to roam around for months, low on rations and slowly loosing my mind, only for the other only human being I find to be a complete and utter nut-!"

"Hey, Captain!"

"Holy f-! What- Where- How did you-?"

"Who you talking to? [ gasp ] Is it a new friend! [ shuffling ] Hello, there, I'm Soldier 99. Nice to meet you!"

"No! What are you doing? Give that back, you idiot. You're going to-"

[ loud rustling and crashing sounds ]

A u d i o L o g 2 3-5 6

"This is Dr. [ static ] speaking. Day ... [ groan ] ... 313? of my search for the JATA signal tower.

Sorry for the long time gap. The recorder took a bit of a hit after a certain 'someone' broke it. And it took a while to find the right parts for it in the wreckage. Luckily, I already had some spare ones from my past scavenging.

[ ... ]

The last couple of days have been ... difficult.

No. Not difficult. A nightmare. That's a much better word to describe it.

My initial assessment of this ... Soldier number whatever ... has proven mostly correct.

I'm not a doctor (not that kind of doctor, anyway), but something is clearly not alright with this person.

I did notice possible signs of a head injury before. But it didn't look serious at the time, and taking off their gas mask to inspect it really didn't seem worth the risk of exposure.

Whatever the cause, it doesn't change the fact that this person is a reckless, unpredictable, annoying, delusional mess at best, and a fucking liability at worst, who will probably get us both killed. Or worse!

[ ... ]

I ... really thought about getting rid of them.

I tried everything.

I tried sending them away to stupid, made-up missions. Leaving them behind in the middle of the night. Tricking them into going somewhere dangerous, like the rooftops of unstable buildings, high radiation zones, underground mazes of caved-in tunnels, rat dens and even suspected mine fields.

But the bastard refuses to die! Lady Luck must love their ass, I swear. And if they weren't such an incompetent moron, I'd seriously believe they put a tracker on me. Because they always seem to find their way back, like I'm their fucking personal homing signal or something!

I ... I even thought about ... shit...

I don't know why I'm so nervous about admitting this. It's not like people are going to listen to these recordings and come here to arrest me. There are way bigger things to worry about in the world right now.

I ... have a gun. Don't have a lot of bullets left in it. Just enough to ... you know.

Never once thought I'd want or need to use it on someone else. And yet, there I was, desperate enough to consider using it on them.

But I didn't.

[ sigh ]

I don't know. I guess it's true, that loneliness trumps good sense. Every time. We are just that desperate for human contact, huh?

And, hey, at least Soldier does live up to their name, in a way. They're good at following orders. They don't do it well, but at least they do it without complaining. I can use that. Right?

And their snoring is horrendous ... but it sure beats sleeping alone in the terrifying silence of a dead world.

[ ... ]

This was Dr. [ static ] speaking. Over.

A u d i o L o g 2 3-5 7

"This is Dr. [ static ] speaking. Day 319 of my search for the JATA signal tower.

Things have ... somewhat settled down. I think.

Obviously, establishing a consistent, effective routine with someone off their rockers isn't the easiest thing in the world, as you can imagine.

But I've used the fact that this weirdo is under the impression that I'm their squad captain to my advantage. I've laid out some ground rules (like no touching my goddamn audio recorder) and boundaries (like no hovering over me like some creep while I'm sleeping). As well as very basic tasks. Ones easy enough for even a toddler to understand and not fuck up.

So far it's ... well, it's made things less stressful, at least.

It's enough to keep Soldier out of my hair, anyway.

Every day, we move and settle somewhere safe. Then we split up to scout the new area and scavenge for supplies and parts.

Simple enough, right? And to their credit, Soldier doesn't get lost and always comes back to the exact spot and time I tell them to.

You know... I actually had some hope that they'd be useful, at first...

Silly me.

Needless to say, after the tenth time of explaining to Soldier that, no, a stick in the ground isn't the same thing as a giant fucking red signal tower (and no! It doesn't matter how tall or pretty the stick is!), I just gave up on taking any of their scouting reports seriously.

Oh, so the person who keeps talking about finding 'discarded paper straws' and 'giant squid tracks' on the ground isn't a reliable source of information?

I know, right? Shocker.

[ snort ]

And scavenging isn't any better, honestly.

No matter how many times I explain to Soldier the kind of things we need (like non-perishable food, water, spare gas masks, weapons and tools), they keep bringing me junk.

Know what they found today?

A bucket. Filled with sharpies. Not even the same brand. Just a random collection of sharpies.

Did they at least work or have any ink in them? You know, to write with?

Nope.

Only the pink one (Soldier's favorite color, apparently). But they still thought 'rescuing' all thirty three broken sharpies was important.

So great. My companion is both a nut job and a hoarder.

[ sigh ]

Whatever. My previous therapist used to tell me that I have to strive to find the positive in a bad situation, so...

At least we're still alive?

[ ... ]

This was Dr. [ static ] speaking. Over.

A u d i o L o g 2 3-5 8

"This is Dr. [ static ] speaking. Day ... hum ... 321!, yes, 321, of my search for the JATA signal tower.

Today was yet another unsuccessful day."

"I though it was pretty successful, actually!"

"Holy f- What are you doing awake, you idiot? And what did I tell you about interrupting my audio recordings?"

[ ... ]

"... To not do it?"

"That's right. Now go to sleep!"

"Okay..."

[ distant shuffling ]

[ ... ]

"So, as I was saying-"

"Tell your invisible friends about the cat scratcher!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake- Go to sleep. That's an order!"

"Aye, aye, Captain!"

[ ... ]

[ snoring ]

"Okay... so I was saying...

Shit. I forgot. What was I going to say...?

[ groan ]

Fine. I guess I'll talk about the stupid cat scratcher."

"Yay!"

"Soldier, I swear to-"

"Sorry, sorry! Go to sleep. Right. Captain's orders. Sleepy time."

[ louder snoring ]

"So, this annoying fucker, who refuses to sleep and isn't fooling anyone, found a cat scratcher today.

And not like a small, old, broken down one. No. It was one of the big, fancy ones. You know, the tall ones with lots of levels and tiny beds that look like some kind of ridiculous feline castle?

Yeah. Those ones.

Still don't know how Soldier found something like that in a building wreckage, or how they managed to lug that heavy eye-sore all the way up to our meeting point.

It was ... weirdly impressive. Not gonna lie. Definitely got a chuckle out of me.

But it got stupid really fast.

I, of course, told Soldier that, as impressive as it was, we didn't really need it. But they eagerly informed me that it wasn't actually for us.

It was an offering for 'our cat overlords'.

Now ... I was in a good mood. I only ever heard them ramble on about the giant squid aliens. So I decided to ask about these 'cat overlords'.

And, apparently, our feline pets have mutated into intelligent, super soldiers and have banded together to fight against the alien squid invaders. So, according to Soldier, to earn their protection and thank them for their service, we humans have to give them offerings.

And there's no better offering to our new feline rulers than a giant cat scratcher, right?"

"Exactly!"

"You know what, Soldier. You're creative, I'll give you that. Where the hell do you come up with this shit?"

"I didn't come up with it. It's a 100% true, Captain! Didn't you read the top secret reports they sent us?"

"I seem to have missed them. Or maybe they forgot to send me one? [ snort ] ... Why haven't we seen our 'cat overlords' walking around, then? Or the alien squids, for that matter?"

"Because they can't give away their location or tactics, duh! And the aliens think no one survived in this area. They're busy spraying their radioactive ink elsewhere! If they knew where we were, we'd already be dead by now. Or worse! [ gagging noises ] Brainless..."

"Huh ... right. Okay. How about we both go to sleep then? I'm sure our cat overlords will protect us tonight after your amazing offering."

"Yeah! You're probably right, Captain. You're so smart! That's probably why they put you in charge."

[ snort ]

"I don't feel very smart these days..."

"What was that, Captain?"

"... Nothing, Soldier. Let's just go to sleep. Long day ahead of us."

"Yes, ma'am!"

[ ... ]

[ distant snoring ]

"This was Dr. [ static ] speaking... Over.

A u d i o L o g 2 3 - 59

"This is Dr. [ static ] speaking. Day ... [ groan ] ... who fucking cares at this point!

Why am I even talking to this piece of junk anyway? Huh?

For posterity? That's a fucking joke. There is no goddamn posterity after the shit that happened to this cursed planet!

To keep my sanity? Hah! Well that ship has sailed already, hasn't it? 'Cause here I am, at the end of this shitty world, alone, drunk off my ass and screaming into a tiny metal box while everything crumbles around me!

Oh, should I give an update? Been a while hasn't it? Might as well, right!

Well, the motherfucker who shall not be named found something interesting a couple days ago during our daily scouting.

I was more than used to their bullshit by then. So when they told me they'd found a six pack of 'gold juice', I didn't even bat an eye. Finding abandoned bottles of expired drinks isn't exactly all that uncommon around here, after all.

But no!

Turns out it was some fucking beer.

But that wasn't the weird part. It wasn't even the fact that apparently some unfortunate idiot had named a beer after five of the worst and biggest pandemics we'd had in the past couple of decades. Or that somehow there were bottles of it laying around.

Oh, no, that was just the usual weirdness. The kind of stuff you laugh off and move on from.

No.

It was the fact that it was fucking cold!

Cold fucking beer. Like it had come straight out of the fridge.

So, naturally, I asked the motherfucker where they'd found a mother fucking functioning fridge in the middle of the goddamn apocalypse!

And what did that sack of crazy say?

Told me they didn't find it in a fridge. That one of the mutant cats had given him as a thank you gift for the cat scratcher.

I lost it.

Maybe it was the hunger. The fact that I had to share my rations with someone who ate like we were in a free-for-all buffet and not in the middle of a barren, crumbling, toxic landscape.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep. All those nights thinking about strangling Soldier's neck just to stop that insufferable snoring. Maybe it was the haze of an unchanging grey sky. Maybe the years spent roaming this hell scape, without a tower in sight, were finally catching up to me.

Or maybe I was just having a really bad day.

Whatever the fuck it was, I snapped and started screaming at Soldier. I wanted the truth. I wanted them to tell me where they found it, or who had given them a fresh, six pack of beer. I wanted them to not be incompetent, for once. I wanted to be able to rely on them. I wanted them to not be a mentally impaired, detached from reality, worthless piece of shit.

I told them I wished I'd never saved their life.

[ ... ]

They ... fuck.

They didn't take it well. They wouldn't leave. Kept clinging to me, crying, begging, pleading, screaming...

I ... I think they were having a breakdown of sorts.

I was scared!

So, I ... I pulled out my gun.

I wasn't planing on actually shooting anything! I was just trying to scare them off. But the idiot tried to grab it and accidentally set it off.

I think it just grazed their arm. There wasn't a lot of blood. But it did scare them away.

And now they're gone.

Like, actually gone.

This person who'd always managed to find me and come back to me, even when I didn't want them to ... they're gone. I haven't seen them in days.

[ ... ]

I didn't want to look for them at first.

I thought ... you know, that it was for the best. That it was better this way. They were a liability. I was better off without them. And they were probably fine without me too, since Lady Luck seemed to have the hots for them ... [ quiet laugh ] ...

But here I am.

Looking for them, while acid rains down from above and the ground shakes bellow me. Looking for this crazy person that has only been a pain in the ass ever since I met them.

I'm willing to die a stupid death for this crazy person I just met. This person I hurt ... for no fucking reason.

[ ... ]

Fuck.

I hope they're okay.

I'm sorry, Soldier. I'm a horrible fucking person, aren't I? [ muffled sniffing ] I don't deserve to be your Captain...

I'll probably die before I ever find you.

[ ... ]

Hum ... positive side... positive side...

I ... huh ... At least I'll die drunk off of a nice, cold Corona b-?

[ rumbling ]

Holy sh- What-!

[ screams ]

[ static ]

A u d i o L o g 2 4 - 00

[ static ]

[ shuffling ]

[ cat hissing noises ]

[ static ]

[ growling ]

[ numerous angry cat noises ]

[ distant muffled screaming ]

[ static ]

A u d i o L o g 2 4 - 01

"This is...

I...

[ ... ]

I guess I have a lot of catching up to do.

Not sure where to begin though..."

"Start with the cats, Captain!"

"Ah, right. The cats... Well... turns out the 'cat overlords' are real."

"I told you!"

"Yeah, yeah, you were right. Less gloating and more paying attention to where you're putting your feet, for fuck's sake. Don't want us to fall down a rabbit hole like last time."

"Yes, ma'am!"

[ distant giggling ]

"Alright, so, yeah. Turns out the super mutant cats are ... real (can't believe I'm saying this) and they captured Soldier when they ran away."

"Which is why I didn't come back, I swear! So, please don't cry again..."

"I'm not- ... [ sigh ] ... I know, Soldier. We had this conversation already. I'm ... really sorry I hurt you. It was my fault. It won't happen again."

"... Pinky promise?"

[ shuffling ]

"Pinky promise."

[ muffled squealing ]

"[ chuckling ] So, anyway...

In my drunk stupor, I also fell into one of their traps and got captured by these ... really big, weird mutant cats. They did not look happy."

"Nope. They did not. Very angry, grumpy kitties."

"... They tied Soldier and I up. Took my audio recorder and all my other stuff. I had no idea what they were going to do to us, but it didn't look like it was going to be pretty."

"They said they were going to 'feed us to the fishies'."

"How could you even tell what they were saying? They just made cat noises!"

"I used to speak with my cats! Everyone called me 'cat lady' and made fun of me. But joke's on them! 'Cause I learned their secret language before they got mutated."

[ ... ]

"Anyway ... I thought that was the end. That we were going to get eaten by monster felines. But then one old-looking cat showed up."

"Mr. Sniffles!"

"Yeah... Apparently it was the same one that gave Soldier the Corona beer. Mr... Sniffles ... started 'talking' to the other cats. Pointed to one of their cat scratchers, the one Soldier ... offered to them. And the other cats actually backed down and freed us."

"They realized who we were! They'd seen both of us wandering around. They were very grateful for our offering. It was their favourite scratcher."

"Right ... But it kind of gets weirder (if that's even possible at this point). Because Soldier started talking to these ... now weirdly friendly and very touch-starved cats ... and asked them if they knew where the JATA tower was.

And they actually knew? Kind of? I'm not sure... They couldn't talk, so..."

"They drew us a map!"

"Yeah... with Soldier's pink sharpie..."

"I told you it would come in handy, Captain!"

"Yeah, you did... [ snort ] ... So, now we're trying to follow this crude (but weirdly accurate) map. See if it leads anywhere, because... I mean, why not?

Sure, this all sounds batshit insane. Believe me, I know how crazy this sounds. Heck, I'm still not convinced that I haven't just gone completely bonkers and this was all just a feverish dream brought on by stale beer and alcohol poisoning.

But I also know my mind is not that creative.

And you know what? Fuck it. I don't care if it's a dream or a delusion. I'll cling to it for as long as I can, because it sure beats whatever the hell I had going on before-"

"Captain!"

"What?"

"I think I see the tower!"

"I- What-? You better not be fucking with me, Soldier. 'Cause I swear if I see another tall stick, I'm going to-

[ ... ]

Holy shit..."

"Not a stick, Captain. Big, red and tall. That's definitely it, right?"

"I- Yes! Oh, my fucking God. Yes! That's the tower!"

"Yay!"

[ loud happy yelling and cheering noises ]

"What does it mean though? What does it do, Captain?"

"It means we can call for help, Soldier. To get us out of here. We can ... huh ... call the other squads, like us. Others Captains. See if they're okay and if they need our help."

"Oh! That's a great idea! We can regroup and strategize. Come up with a collective plan to defeat the squid aliens!"

"Sure, yeah. That too [ chuckle ] ...

[ ... ]

Wait ... are the squid aliens an actual thing too?"

" [ muffled yelling ] What did you say, Captain? I didn't hear you. I'm going to run over there and be the first to climb that tall, red thing!"

"Wait-! Come back here, you idiot. You're going to get yourself hurt!

[ sigh ]

Well, I guess that means I have to end the recording.

And who knows ... maybe it'll be my last. Maybe we'll finally talk to someone outside and get out of this hellhole.

[ ... ]

To anyone who might hear this... well, firstly, I'm sorry you were forced to hear my whinny ass for who knows how long I've been recording these.

And ... you know. I hope you're doing okay.

I hope you're dealing well with this utter madness we've found ourselves in. And that you have a friend to help you through it. Someone who's just crazy enough to make this senseless world make sense.

Know that you're not alone, at least.

Hopefully, we'll see each other on the other side of this.

Until then...

[ ... ]

This was Captain speaking. Over and out."

[ static ]