Chapter 46

I slowly walked through the quiet corridor after leaving the room. I thought the numerous footsteps ringing in my head would calm down once I left the banquet hall, but the complex noises continued to echo unnecessarily.

Pressing my temples with my throbbing head, I slowly moved my feet. Without the capacity to be conscious of Joo Hwarin following behind me, I simply walked aimlessly towards my room.

The corridor, where even the light was dim, seemed to echo only my footsteps. As if announcing my end, as if seeing the end of my life, my blurry vision made my breathing rough.

“Miss, are you alright!?”

I shook my head while struggling to push away Joo Hwarin, who ran to support me as I staggered.

I don’t want to lean on anyone. I don’t want to be supported by anyone. I forced a smile at her and twisted my body.

“It’s okay.”

I walked again. Endlessly through the corridor. I couldn’t even feel the swaying wind, but people’s voices were still incessantly ringing above my head as I walked.

-She’s a child who’s dead even while alive. Even if she’s a daughter, once born as a warrior, if she can’t learn martial arts, doesn’t she know she’s useless?

I’ve never cared. Don’t mind it.

-If I kill you wench, the Righteous Sect will just send another woman to replace you. Those stupid brats are acting as if they’re going to get something for showing respect… Unfortunately, you’re still nothing. Nothing at all.

Ignore it. Forget it as always. Let’s forget.

-Shouldn’t she just die quickly instead of dragging on?

-Haha, that’s right. Even if she looks pretty, the thought of a disgusting wench from the Righteous Sect looking down on us from above is revolting. If she’s going to die anyway, she should just die without dragging on.

That’s right… Don’t be sadder. You’re going to leave anyway. So… So…

I forcibly held back the tears that were about to burst out. The cold wind brushed past me.

I raised my head. The door leading right next to me was open. It was the garden of Geum Soso that Hyuk Dojin had shown me. I blankly looked at it and slowly moved my feet.

As if possessed by something, I stepped into that place. I stepped on the stone path. The rustling sound and the hard sensation touching my feet seemed to guide me. I absentmindedly walked along the stone fence path. Before I knew it, an empty flower bed appeared in front of me.

The noisy sounds seemed to fade away as if disappearing. Above the voices and words I didn’t want to hear, one person’s voice lingered.

-I’ll give that place to you as a gift.

At that voice that brought peace to my heart just by recalling it, the tears that were about to burst out slowly subsided.

However, tears quietly flowed down. I bent my knees, spread my palms, and slowly covered the empty soil. The dry laughter spread like dew on wet leaves at the cold sensation.

-You can plant whatever you want there. Whether it’s flowers, trees, or anything else, it doesn’t matter. If there’s something you desire, Sowol, plant it there.

He was always a man who showed me everything he had. A kind man who showed his beautiful smile and his inner thoughts. I should have smiled more at his words.

-I want to plant hydrangeas in that empty space. The color doesn’t matter.

At my words, that man closed his eyes with a smile, as if imagining the flowers to be planted.

-We should plant them in various colors. Since Sowol mentioned it, I’m certain beautiful hydrangeas will bloom. So, Sowol, you must see those flowers in person.

I wanted to say it was impossible, but those words didn’t come out. Even though I knew there was no hope when I was with him, hope still blossomed. It was a futile hope.

It made me sick. For someone, hope may be the driving force to live, but knowing the future that already has a conclusion, it becomes torture.

However, at his passionate words, his kind voice, his beautiful smile. I could only smile as if telling a lie.

-As I said before, I have no intention of ever letting Sowol go. The fact that this winter is the end is a future that hasn’t been determined or revealed yet. So, no matter what it takes, I will show Sowol the blooming hydrangeas in person next year. Therefore…

Why do you never give up on me?

-Sowol, don’t give up either.

Hyuk Dojin…

“The night breeze is cold.”

At the sound of a voice and footsteps stepping on the stone path behind me, I straightened my bent knees. However, I didn’t turn around. I just looked up at the sky filled with the Milky Way.

“You might catch a cold again. Let’s go back, Sowol.”

“…”

I remained silent. Wiping the flowing tears with my sleeve, I twisted my body. Just then, a gust of wind blew, scattering my hair and obscuring my vision.

Through it, I could clearly see Hyuk Dojin’s distorted eyes, as if he was angry or hurt, even though he had a calm expression.

How could people say that he was dry and didn’t express his emotions to others when he had such an abundance of emotions? They really knew nothing.

Hyuk Dojin silently looked at me and bit his lip. The cold wind swirled between us and disappeared several times.

In the silence, he simply waited as if waiting for me to speak or as if I was waiting for his words to come out.

Then, as if exhaling, Hyuk Dojin’s voice flowed out.

“Why doesn’t my wife have any desires from me?”

The answer was simple.

“Because I have no desires.”

He had already gifted me with so many things. Money, gems, ivory, silk, and even the love I thought I couldn’t receive. It was already enough.

My small vessel had been overflowing for a long time. I only felt regretful and sorry for the love I couldn’t fully embrace with both hands.

If my capacity had been a little larger, wider, deeper, could I have acted cute and relied on him?

Hyuk Dojin quietly looked at me and calmly spoke.

“Why does my wife always lie?”

“…”

He approached. His slow movement seemed so sluggish that it felt like it would take a lifetime to reach me, but when I came to my senses, his hand was holding my dry wrist.

I raised my eyes to meet his face. Hyuk Dojin spoke quietly with a weak expression.

“Why don’t you tell me? Even though there’s something you want the most, even though there’s something you desire the most, why have you never told me?”

What I desire. That’s…

He lowered his forehead onto my shoulder, his voice choked as if he would crumble at any moment.

“…Sowol has never once asked me to save her. Why is it so difficult to hear the words ‘save me’ from the mouth of my dying wife?”

“That’s…”

“Do you not trust me? Am I unable to capture your heart? I tried to show you everything to the point where you could open up to me, but is it still not enough! There’s no time!”

The man, who was always calm, exploded and vented his emotions while leaning on my shoulder. Even while biting his lips and exhaling, his breathing trembled.

His words became arrows, breaking through the iron bars of my deepest hidden true feelings.

Hyuk Dojin raised his head. His eyes, looking at me who wasn’t saying anything, were filled with impatience, frustration, and sadness.

Although he raised his voice as if angry, it was self-blame or self-loathing stemming from his own helplessness.

I parted my lips. To say something, anything. But my inability to even utter a word, my stupidity, and the helplessness of decades that I couldn’t change even though I hated being like this!

In the end, it made Hyuk Dojin turn his feet.

His hand leaving my wrist, the warmth moving away. As I watched his retreating back, I bit my lip tightly. Yes, this is enough. Let’s close our hearts. Desiring too much will only harm us. So let’s give up.

Give up, give up… Give up…

However, his smile kept knocking on the depths of my heart.

To be honest, I enjoyed the time I spent with him.

I wanted to see more of his restless appearance as we held the wedding ceremony and consummated our marriage. I wanted to feel his kind embrace a little longer.

If we increase the dumpling by one more tomorrow, he will probably smile with joy. Now that I can walk for a moment, it wouldn’t be bad to take a walk in the garden together.

I imagined holding his hand, walking, feeding the jumping carp, and enjoying a happy day.

The lush greenery of summer would emit a fragrant scent of grass, and the charm of the wind would flow through the trees and ruffle my hair.

Then I would smile while stroking the head of Hyuk Dojin, who had fallen asleep on my lap.

And… And… And…

I bit my lip.

“I…”

At the sound of my voice flowing through my parted lips, Hyuk Dojin stopped walking.

I stood still like a rooted tree, looking at him, and took a step closer.

One step, then another.@@novelbin@@

I slowly approached him, leaned my head against his back, and spoke.

“If I express my desires, if I say I want something… Can you give it to me?”

As I looked into his eyes, keeping a distance from me and turning to face me, the emotions I had been suppressing burst out like a stream hitting a waterfall.

“Why are you so kind? Why do you cherish me so much? Don’t you dislike me for hiding behind you? I practically deceived you, so don’t you hate me for that? Why are you so kind! Why do you speak to me with such a warm voice! Why!”

My breath became rough with the erupting emotions. A warm hand caressed my cheek as if soothing the breath flowing from my mouth. At that moment, the words I had thrown at myself, reflected in the red jade, struck my head.

“…Why do you smile so beautifully? That’s why, because you smile so beautifully… It makes me want to die even more.”

I wanted to have it. I desired it. I wanted to hold it in my hands and shout that it was mine. However, that required courage and selfishness.

Could I do that? Could I do it without regret? In the end, after winter comes and I’m buried in the cold ground, he will be left alone.

Knowing the sorrow of the one left behind, could I be selfish?

That’s why, even as I received all his hopes, I couldn’t say anything.

When I opened my eyes in the morning with the sunlight shining, I recalled the man who was sleeping soundly in front of me. He looked at me with hazy eyes as the blackout curtain wasn’t fully closed, then closed the curtain and smiled at me.

Perhaps, at that moment.

That was probably the moment I fell in love with this man.

It could have been before that. But from that point on, my heart started to beat.

I had often shouted that I wanted to live for myself. But I had never said I wanted to die for someone else.

Because Hyuk Dojin knew the smile of making someone happy, because he could show it, because that smile was so lovely, I couldn’t ask for more.

Because I knew the magnitude of his pain if I left him behind, because death was the end of everything, not a promise for the next.

I couldn’t force him to walk that path.

“You’re really a bad person. Even when I try to give up, even when I try to shake my head, even when I try to let go of your hand… You chase after me, hold my hand, lead me, embrace me, and make me have hope. Even though I know this is the end when I’m with you, I start to hate myself for being selfish. That’s why I really dislike you. And I hate you. You make me weak when I had already prepared for everything.”

His other hand rose and gently covered my neck.

That warmth keeps me alive.

“So… You’re so lovely.”

“Sowol…”

“You should have treated me harshly. You should have tormented me, tortured me, and left me to die slowly in a place where no one was around. Then at least the fact that I’m leaving you behind wouldn’t be as painful as it is now!! Why are you making me weak!!”

I resentfully hit his chest. I knew it. He had no sin. He had done nothing wrong. He was just embracing me.

But even though I knew I was the worst for getting angry at such a man, because I had never thrown a tantrum or gotten angry before.

I didn’t know how. How to express this emotion.

“You’re… bad…”

He grabbed me, who was lowering my head and crying, and made me raise my head. His lips slowly covered mine. It was warm and soft.

His heart, which always kept me alive, was conveyed.

I grasped the collar of his clothes.

I don’t want to let go. I want to stay longer. I want to live more.

More… More…

Breaths intersected above the parting lips. Meeting Hyuk Dojin’s eyes that held me in his sparkling eyes, I struggled to open my mouth.

“Can I… be greedy? Can I shout at you, asking for what I want to have from you? Can I lean on you until I’m so selfish, angry, and have so many desires that I can’t handle it?”

He slowly nodded his head. I suppressed a small laugh that welled up inside.

To think there was still a person who smiled at my words like this.

Yes, that was you.

That kind of man. Yes…

Because he was that kind of man, I could say it. The sound of something breaking somewhere was heard.

I didn’t know what it was, but at that moment, words that had never come out of my mouth before slowly flowed out.

“I want to live…”

Tears fell.

“I don’t want to die…”

I still wanted to live.