15: Riley

It's now Sunday and I'm currently cuddling with Mason on the couch. It feels weird to be doing a similar thing that I did with Quinn the day before, but I try not to think about it that much, but I can't help it.

I feel something similar but different when I'm with Mason and Quinn. I feel safe with both, but Mason makes me feel comfortable as opposed to Quinn who makes me feel excited. I don't know which one I like more, but I feel like I need to pick my boyfriend.

Wouldn't it be wrong of me to say that I like being with Quinn more than Mason? That sounds terrible. Mason is my boyfriend, I love him. So I need to stop this thinking of picking betwen Mason and Quinn. I can't compare them because they don't mean the same thing to me. Quinn is just a friend and nothing more, but Mason is my boyfriend.

"Hey, you okay? You seem very spacey. What's wrong?" Mason asks.

"Nothing, I'm just tired. I didn't sleep that much," I explain to him.

"Ah I see. Quinn was keeping you up all night, I see," he jokes. I look at him in shock because the way he said it sounded weird. It sounded like we were doing something else, but by the way he chuckles I see that he didn't mean it in a bad way at all.

"Did you have a lot of fun last night?" he adds.

"Yeah, I did. It was an awesome sleepover," I reply.

He hugs me tighter and replies, "I'm glad you had fun. Just you wait, you'll have tons of awesome sleepovers with Quinn."

The topic makes me feel weird, so I try to change the topic. "So, we still on for the party next weekend?"

"Yeah, of course! I'm so happy that you are coming. I love you so much," he says giving me a kiss on the cheek. He's so happy and it's absolutely adorable.

I should be thinking just about him, only him. So I turn around to face him and grab his face so that I can pull him closer to kiss him. Mason reciprocates the kiss and lowers his hands from around my abdomen. Our kiss become passionate and I slowly put my hands under his shirt to run my hands over his abs.

Suddenly Mason stops me to say, "oh right, I forgot to mention, there will be alcohol at the party. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind if I drink a bit. I know you hate alcohol, but I kind of want to have fun at the party."

I sigh and reply with, "yeah, it's fine." I'm actually really upset with him wanting to drink, but I won't say anything. I don't want to ruin the party for him. I just hate the smell and taste of alcohol.

"Awesome, the party will be so fun, just wait and see, baby!" He yells.

I pretend to look excited but I'm actually dreading it. Like I've said previous times before, I'm not a social person, so I hate parties. Plus alcohol and hormonal teenagers are involved and that's always a recipe for disaster.  At least I'll have Quinn by my side, so I know I'll have a good time. I won't be alone like most times at these parties.

The thought of Quinn being there instantly puts me in a good mood. I'll be okay. I'll just stick with Quinn at the party. Mason will probably be busy with beer pong and I'll be hanging out with Quinn. She will save me from this party and everyone there.

Why the hell am I thinking of Quinn as my savior? Why am I being so dramatic? It's just a party. I need to calm down and stop thinking about all this. I just want to relax and only focus on Mason.

"So, where were we," I say pulling on Mason's shirt so that I can pull him in for another kiss. He kisses back and after a bit slips his tongue in.

"Oh also, I won't be able to give you a ride home on Wednesday. We have an extra long practice because season starts soon," he says after pulling back.

"For the love of god, just let me kiss you and take off your damn shirt," I yell. Thank god no one is in his house right now, or this would be hard to get passed.

Mason looks shocked at me sudden outburst and sits up straight. "What is going on with you? You never act like this. Why are you being weird?" He asks.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"You've been acting differently lately. It started with small things, but now it's more and more. Did something happen?" He asks.

"No, nothing happened," I reply.

"Wait, doesn't this year mark the ten year anniversary of his death? Is that why you're acting differently?"

I don't dare say a single word. I just stay silent. Mason is right. It will be ten years in three months. I refuse to think about it often. If I think about it for more than a few minutes u get too emotional and start breaking down.

"So, that is the problem, isn't it?" Mason repeats.

"Stop."

"It's okay, if that's the reason," Mason begins.

"Mason, I said stop," I repeat.

He gets closer to me and puts his arms around my shoulders to reassure me, but it doesn't work. I'm just angry at him for bringing this up.

"Look, I understand that this is a hard time, but you can talk to me about it. Rafael would have wanted you to talk to someone," Mason adds.

"Mason, shut up. You don't know shit about my brother. Don't pretend like you understand, you don't! You still have a brother," I lash out. I can't help it, I'm boiling now. There's no calming down.

"Riley, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset," he says. I know he never intended to hurt me, but I'm so far gone from rational thinking now.

"Well too fucking bad, Mason. You should have stopped before it got to this point. I asked you to stop," I tell him as I get up to leave.

"Come on, Riley. Don't leave," he says as he gets up to follow me. However, I don't stop, I keep walking to the door and open it.

"Are you serious, Riley? Can't you act like an adult now, please," he adds.

"Fuck off, Mason. I said I didn't want to talk about it and you pushed despite me saying that. And now you get angry at me, that's ridiculous," I say through gritted teeth before turning around and walking out of his house. I slam the door shut behind me and walk across the street to my home.

I know what I did was wrong, but I don't like talking about my brother. Mason knew that.

When I enter my house, I go to my room and lay down in my bed. I grab the pillow and squish it in my hands to help me calm down, but it does the opposite. I start crying, sobbing actually because I just want my brother back, but I know that won't happen. I'll never see him again and the thought breaks my heart.

I get up and walk over to my tortoises enclosure and rub Wally's shell softly. He belonged to Rafael, but now that he's gone, he belongs to me. Just like the piano as well.

Then I head over to my dresser and pick up the family picture. I bring it to my bed and lay down again. I hold the frame close to my chest as more tears fall down.

I just want my big brother here.

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Author note: Well this definitely was the start of the emotional chapters in this book.