33: Quinn

I wake up and roll around expecting to see Riley, but she's not there. I sit up in bed looking around for her, I'm worried that she had another bad dream and started panicking. She isn't in the room, so I hop out of bed and look in the hallway. Still no sight of Riley, so I head downstairs and notice her dad sitting on the couch and staring out the window. He hears me walking and glances at me and tries to put on a happy face, but his eyes are red.

"Oh hello there Quinn, Riley had to go see Mason, but she'll be back very soon," he says.

I nod and pretend like my heart didn't just break. I head back upstairs to Riley's room and lean against the wall. I feel like crying because I'm so stupid. I really thought I might have a shot with Riley, but she always picks Mason. We had a moment last night and she wakes up and her first thought is Mason. My heart feels heavy and I just want to leave. So, I pack up my stuff and notice the stuffed animal that Riley won for me at the carnival. I want to take it, but I also don't want to have a reminder of our almost what if. So, I decide to leave it and I walk out of the room and down the stairs, looking for Riley's dad. I'm going to give the excuse that my mom needs my help with something and that I need to go home now.

Just as I step down the last step, I almost walk into Riley. We both look at each other in shock, neither of us saying anything. She's the last person I want to see right now.

She notices that I have my back and teases, "Going somewhere?" Maybe if I wasn't in such a bad mood I probably would have gone along with the teasing. However, it just stings right now.

"Yeah, actually I need to go home," I reply coldly.

"How come? I though we were going to hang out today," she replies.

I can't help but narrow my eyes at her and comment, "Well, I thought so too, but I was wrong. You were with Mason and I thought you would like to be with him instead."

Riley widens her eyes and starts to shift from foot to foot. She knows that she was caught and she stumbles across her words as she tries to explain, "Yeah I was, but to talk about him leaving us last night. He apologized and wants to take us out to eat breakfast as a way to pay back for yesterday. Can't you stay just a bit to go with us?"

Her comment leaves a sour taste in my mouth and makes my heart drop. I can't watch her cozy up to Mason now, especially after last night. I can't help but scoff at Riley, I know it's not right to do, but what she is asking me to do is ridiculous at this point. Does she really not see that I have feelings for her?

"I rather not stay any longer...," I say and I try to hold my tongue, but I blurt out, "Can't you see what you are doing, Riley? You can't have both way. I'm not going to let myself get stringed along by someone who doesn't even know what they want."

I can see Riley's expression turn to hurt, but i don't give myself time to process what I just said to her. I walk past her and out the door. I haven't called my mom yet to tell her to pick me up, but I don't want to wait around Riley's house after what just happened. So, I decide to just walk home, I only live like fifteen minutes away.

I know I may have ruined whatever friendship I had with Riley, but I can't take it anymore. I like Riley. I really do. I might even love her, but she will always choose Mason. So, what's the point. I don't want my heart to break anymore than it has already. At some point I need to stop torturing myself and move on with my life. I have to be smart and walk away when I know things will not get better. That doesn't mean that I don't regret a single step away from Riley that I take. I want her, I really do, but she doesn't want me.

Twenty minutes have passed and I'm still walking, by now it's hot outside and I'm sweating a lot. I'm still far away from my house, what was I was thinking in walking home? It takes fifteen minutes to get home by car, not by walking. I'm so stupid, I wasn't thinking in the moment that I made the decision.

I don't really feel like going home now. I don't want to have to explain why I'm home early to my parents. So, instead I decide to walk to my friend, Malcolm's house. I just want to feel better and I know that he can always cheer me up. So, I fast walk over to his house.

I knock on the door and he immediately answers and gives me a weird look. "Aren't you supposed to be having another sleepover at Riley's house?"

I simply nod and feel the tears start to roll down my face and Malcolm's expression softens. He pulls me in for a hug and rubs my back as I continue to cry. I love that Malcolm doesn't ask for an explanation, he knows I'm hurting and he just wants to be here for me.

When I finally calm down, I pull away to look at him. He wipes away some tears then pokes my cheeks and pushes up. "Turn that frown upside down, my friend should be slaying not crying," he jokes. I roll my eyes and give me a small smile and he add, "There's my girl."

He pulls me toward the couch and we both sit down. Malcolm gives me some time to calm down and figure out what I'm going to say to him. Finally when I feel like talking, I turn to him and say, "I love Riley."

"Well no shit," he teases and I playfully punch his arm.

"Okay, so I made it a bit too obvious, but not obvious enough for Riley," I reply.

"If that girl can't see how much you like her, then she's pretty dull for a smart kid," Malcolm jokes. "However, there is no way in hell that she doesn't know. You two have been so close, it's impossible for her to not have feelings for you. you're a catch. A total babe!"

Malcolm makes me laugh and I know that I did the right thing by coming here. "What if we almost had a moment last night?"

Malcolm turns to me with his eyes wide and his mouth open. "What do you mean? Like you guys almost had sex?"

"Oh my god no. Like we almost kissed," I reply.

"Almost? What happened? Why didn't you two kiss?"

"I don't know. I used to think it was because of Mason, but I think it's because of Riley. I think she doesn't know what she wants or she doesn't want to admit she has feelings for me. I honestly have no idea what goes on in her head most of the times. She's a mystery to me," I respond.

Malcolm puts his hand on my shoulder reassuringly before saying, "Sweetie, look, I'm not trying to be harsh on purpose, but someone needs to tell you the truth. Riley is like all those other straight girls who just want to experiment with their sexuality a little bit, probably because she can't get pleasure from her man. I don't see Riley ever leaving Mason. I'm sorry, Quinn."

Hearing his words break my heart, but I get the feeling that he is right. She is never going to leave Mason, he's everything for her. He's her friend, her protector, her ticket to a normal life. And that's what Riley has always wanted. She wants a normal life. She doesn't want to date a girl. She doesn't want to be bisexual. She doesn't want to be different from others.

She doesn't want to end up like her brother.

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Author note: Writing is getting pretty hard to do during these quarantine times. I'm unmotivated and extremely bored, yet I can't get myself to write more chapter or make videos. I pretty much just sleep, play video games and eat, then repeat.

However, I will continue to at least post one new chapter a week and do one youtube video a week as well. Hopefully this weird feeling blows over soon along with the quarantine.

I hope you are all doing well. Stay safe and wash your hands. Stay indoors and be careful. Much love for everyone.

Also, my new youtube video is down below. I explain why I changed my majors. Doing this has really helped y writing in so many way. It would mean a lot to me if you guys could watch the video. Thank you.

I'm also thinking of doing book review videos. Would anyone be interested in those videos? Reading actually helps give me motivation to write. I would rate the book based on my scale and share my favorite parts or quotes and explain how it impacted me.

I will list some books that I would be doing reviews on first because I already have these copies. Comment on which book you want me to do first.

Catcher in the Rye

Catch 22

Pride and Prejudice

Around the World in Eighty Days

Wuthering Heights

Lord of the Flies

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

The Mouse and the Motorcycle (For Nostalgia)

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane (For Nostalgia)

A Murder for Her Majesty

To Kill a Mockingbird

The Watsons Go to Birmingham

Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series (First five books)

The Book Thief

The Help

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

My sister's Keeper

The Alchemist

The Light We Lost

A Tale of Two Cities

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

Cycle of the Werewolf

If you guys would want me to do other books that you think I might like please comment them here.