Chapter 11

I knock on the bathroom door for the third time in an hour.

"E.J.?" I ask through the door again.

Since we came back from meeting Josh at the coffee shop he hasn't said a single word to me. Almost like he might be mad at me, and even though I know that he has a lot of information to process, I can't help but feel like he is mad at me for something.

"E.J. Please... It's been an hour and I'm getting worried," I say through the door again, feeling the panic rise in me as I start scratching my palm, which isn't something I would normally do. That's more E.J's way of coping with things.

"E.J... Please just answer me, I just need to know that you are okay," I say banging on the door once more, letting out a sigh and running my hand through my hair, pulling on it slightly.

I finally turn around again, heading for the bed when I hear the key turn in the lock and the door slowly opening to reveal E.J. standing there, his eyes puffy. Knowing that he must have been crying the whole time I walk over to him, my arms open to give him a hug, but he lifts u his arm, showing me his palm, silently telling me to stay away from him.

I let my arms fall to my side, trying my best to hide the disappointment on the side of my face that can still show it and step back until I feel the bed behind me before I sit down slowly, waiting for the impact of how much the meeting with Josh truly upset E.J.

"Did you talk to Josh without me knowing? Did you meet him before? Did you phone him?" E.J. asks and even though I can see tear stains on his face he looks furious, like he might be about to burst. The Charmander onesie that he has put on making him look even more fiery than what he already is.

"What? What are you talking about? I've been with you the whole time," I say, frowning, feeling the mask on my face move as I do so, tempting me to take the hard piece of plastic off my face.

"He spoke to you as if he knew something. Did you tell him about me kissing you?" E.J. demands again, this time he walks over to the door, leading out to the veranda and looking at the rain falling down in icy sheets once more.

"Seriously E.J... I have no idea what the hell you are talking about," I say ripping the mask of my face, having enough of that irritation and rather preferring to let the monster out than to sit with a smooth face and be fake at this point.

"About being in love with me! Having feelings for me!" E.J. yells, his voice echoing around me, as I sit back onto the bed, reaching out behind me to keep me from falling.

"I... I... I don't know what you're talking about," I say, but even as I say it I can feel the butterflies turning in my stomach, flapping their wings, making me want to vomit as I hear the words that reign way too real in my heart.

"Josh said you need to show me that you love me before I move on! This is bullshit Brody! It's bullshit! I can't deal with this shit right now!" E.J. yells again, pushing his hands into his hair and crouching down, pulling his head into his lap. "I don't want to be your fucking sex object okay? I just want to be your friend."

I push myself up on the bed, looking down at him, wanting everything to race over to him and take him into my arms.

"I'm straight," I say as calm as I possibly can. "I'm straight E.J. I'm just a straight guy on a road trip with his best friend. And even if I was in love with you... Even then... You deserve better than me."

I sigh as I fall back on the bed, not wanting to fight any longer. What does it matter what I feel inside in any case? It's not like I'm gonna be around long enough to really act on any of those feelings. In a few weeks from now E.J. would probably be standing at my grave, leaving me flowers. He will probably be the only one standing there. It's not like I made a whole lot of friends on the way.

I try my best to focus my eyes on a mark on the ceiling. It looks like at some point the roof might have leaked, a brown stain like a scar, there to remind that even the roof over your head isn't always perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. And just like a roof, friendships can cave in on you as well.

"Brody?" E.J. asks. I know it's the third time he has said my name, and it's not like I am ignoring him. I just don't know how to react.

"Brody... I'm sorry. Please just talk to me," E.J. says again as I feel him climbing onto the bed next to me. "I just freaked out. I don't want things to become awkward between us. It feels like every friend I have falls in love with me. I mean... Look at Chris..."

"Chris has been in love with you since forever," I answer, still keeping my eyes fixed on the stain, wishing that somehow the roof will collapse on me, taking me out of this world.

"Yeah, and he's bad enough," E.J. sighs. I feel him laying down next to me, his elbow touching mine. "It's just... He doesn't understand that I can never again have sex with him."

I lift myself from the bed, probing myself up with my arm as I look down on E.J. I can see it clearly now. The redness around his eyes. His bottom lip is bleeding slightly as if he had been biting on it for far too long.

"You had sex with Chris?" I ask, trying my best not to imagine Chris pushing E.J. down, making him cry while he satisfies himself.

"It was a long time ago," E.J. answers, looking past me, probably also finding the stain on the ceiling just like I did.

"Did he force you?" I ask, feeling my fist ball and the heat rise up in my neck.

"No. It wasn't like that," E.J. says still not meeting my eyes. "I thought I needed to make him care about me. I thought he would keep me safe. I owed him."

"You never owed him anything," I whisper, trying my best to keep my voice under control. I can't believe E.J. would have let obsessive Chris touch him. It seems completely unreal trying to imagine E.J. willingly wanting to have sex with Chris.

"Can we not talk about this anymore?" E.J. asks, his voice becoming small like a kid again, his eyes looking at my face now, glassy as if the tears are just one blink away. "I just... I just don't want to lose you Brody. Okay?"

I slowly get up from the bed, almost testing my feet before I actually get up, almost as if I am afraid they won't carry me after the latest shock I had, but they work with me and carry me to the other side of the room where I take my backpack and search around for the piece of paper.

"You've seen this E.J." I say, holding up my list. "What do you think this is?"

"It's a list of things you still want to do?"

"Come on E.J. I think we are past playing dumb with each other," I say as I sit down next to him. "Take a look at this. You are anything but stupid."

I watch as E.J. reads through it a couple of times.

"What does 'the end' mean?" he asks.

"What do you think it means?"

I can feel my stomach pulling together as if it is going into some spasm as E.J. touches the paper at the tenth number I wrote down, and then touching the two sentences I have already crossed out.

"I've been here before. Many times," E.J. says as he puts down the paper and pushes up the sleeves of his onesie, revealing the white lines on this wrists. "I even did it the right way. Vertically. I'm sometimes still upset about the fact that it didn't work."

He pulls down the sleeves again just as I reach out to touch his arms which makes me pull away.

"So you still wish you could have died?" I ask, taking the list and walking over to the backpack, crudely pushing it back where I found it again.

"Sometimes. I don't think the shit that we go through ever just goes away you know. Sometimes there's just too much shit," he says with a sigh, pushing himself up on the bed until he is sitting at the top against the pillows. "There was a time where I thought there was no other way out. But then I look at what James did to Ken. To his own brother. And he's still here. He still has someone that cares for him. It gives me a little bit of hope. That maybe I can have something like that someday. I dunno... Maybe I'm just stupid to still believe in happy endings."

I look at him for a moment before I walk over to the bed again, this time not taking my side of the bed, but rather sitting where his drawn up legs end on the bed, close enough to touch, near enough so I can look him in the eyes.

"I don't think I'm straight E.J. I don't think I'm gay either. I don't know what I am, but I do know that you sometimes make me want to burn that fucking list and stay alive," I whisper as my hand automatically goes down to the ring on my finger, touching it like it is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

"So Josh was right? You're in love with me?" E.J. asks.

"Honestly?" I ask and wait for him to nod before I continue. "I don't know if I'm in love with you. I know that I love you and that I really want to protect you, and I know I don't want to be with you like that if I'm still planning on my life coming to an end soon, and I do still plan that as the only possibly outcome... Look E.J., what I'm trying to say is that you confuse me a little bit. I like girls. I'm not into boys. You're the only guy I have looked at in another way than just friendship, but I have no illusion that you would ever want to be with me, okay? Which means you're safe. Completely safe."

"I think we need to get the fuck out of New York," E.J. whispers.

"So you're not going home yet?" I ask, pretty sure that he would want to leave after everything I just said.

"I'm still searching for home," E.J. says as he opens the covers and climbs in underneath. "Just promise me that you won't kill yourself in front of me or make me find you."

I swallow on the lump in my throat and fight the urge to hug him and never let him go.

"So you're not going to stop me?" I ask.

"You can't stop someone once they have made up their mind about things like that," E.J. answers. "I shouldn't be the one to keep you anchored to life. You need to find a reason to live for yourself Brody. You need to find your own will. I can't be that for you."

"Have you found your reason yet?" I wonder out loud, not expecting an answer.

"I'm getting there," he answers. "Now will you please turn off the light. I'm really tired after today."

I watch as the flip of a switch makes the light disappear and I can't help but thinking that this is exactly what has been happening inside me. Someone keeps on flipping the switch. Just when I think there might be some light that will save me, the switch flips and leaves me in utter darkness.

A/N: Wow, it has been quite a while since I worked on this book... Well, if you have been following my other writings you would have seen that in the past three months I have made it my task to finish off all my incomplete works, as well as still writing on my new trilogy "The Crown Comes First". Sorry that I have been keeping you all waiting for so long, but I promise that I will be finishing off "Behind the Mask" over the next two to four months, ending E.J and Brody's story and putting it to rest. Thanks for everyone's patience in all of this. I am honest when I say I haven't had the best 2020 so far, but hopefully it gets better. I am also thinking about starting something a little bit more interactive with all of you. I would love to get to know every reader who inspires me so much a little bit better. Any suggestions on this?

Well... hope you enjoyed this chapter... I am already working on the next one!