Chapter 16

I check my phone again, looking at the minutes going by, the night passing me by, but sleep not wanting to come.

It's been a while since I haven't been able to sleep. Mostly I at least manage to fall into an uneasy sleep, or wake up many times in one night, and you'd think that with the cold I would be fast asleep, but E.J's breathing is keeping me awake.

I get up from the bed, slowly as not to wake E.J. and draw the curtains just a little bit so that the moonlight shines in, making E.J. stir a bit and pull the covers over his head.

I put my shoes on and throw another hoodie over my head as I tiptoe out of the room, desperate for some fresh, cold air, and with hope that I will be able to make sense of what happened earlier between E.J. and me. It was the strangest experience. E.J. makes it so clear that there will never be anything between us. That I am straight and that he isn't interested in a relationship, but then he gets angry when another guy just tries to flirt or be overly friendly with me. That's not the E.J. that I know at all. That's not who he is.

Tiptoeing down the stairs, I try my utmost best not to make a sound even when the stairs creak underneath my feet, not wanting to wake anyone.

I walk through the dark and deserted living room and find myself standing in front of a glass door that leads to the outside. I try my best to open the door without a sound and then step out into the cold. I immediately regret not putting shoes on. The socks I am wearing is nowhere near enough without the heating on the inside of the house, but there is no way I will go back for shoes. I don't want to wake E.J. in any case. It's better for me to just get my fresh air as quickly as I can and then go back to sleep. Or at least, try to go back to sleep.

The forest behind the house looks eerie in the moonlight, and I am glad it has stopped snowing, the air opening up to let the light through. We might even have some sunlight on Christmas day which would be really great.

"Hey handsome. You're up late," a voice says from behind me.

In a kimono that I have no idea how it is keeping him warm, Cameron stands, and once again I can't help but notice how pretty he is. I only now notice that he must have had makeup on earlier, because his lips aren't shiny anymore, and his eyes isn't quite popping, but he still looks beautiful. Almost like a porcelain doll.

"Aren't you cold?" I ask as I look him up and down.

"Honey, this ain't cold yet. You should feel the winds of Alaska in the winter time. This is nothing," he says with a smile on his face, taking a seat on one of the chairs standing on the veranda, motioning for me to take one as well. "So what's been keeping you awake?"

I take a seat, but I don't answer. I actually stare at him for a few moments, not sure if I should even speak to him at all after E.J.'s reaction.

"Come on... I might be a big ol' queen, but I won't bite. I promise. Tell me what's going on. I promise you I understand almost anything," Cameron says, crossing his legs and leaning back into the chair almost like he is some talk show host.

I bring my hand to my face, wanting to push my hair out of the way only to notice I don't have my mask on.

"You didn't stare at my face," I say. "You didn't ask about it either."

"Not my place," Cameron answers. "You'll tell me if you want to, I'm sure. But honey, I don't judge. I never judge."

"You're nails look nice," I say when I look down at Cameron's hands I order to avoid his eyes. Every nail is manicured and painted in metallic blue that reflects the snow, making his hands look like that of an ice queen.

"Why thanks honey," he says lifting up his one hand and admiring it. "Now, would you like to tell ol' Cameron why you're up at this hour?"

I breathe in the cold air slowly and then let it all out at once.

"I needed to think," I answer, looking up at Cameron again. "I think I may be confused. When did you know you were an actually like a girl?"

Cameron's eyes narrow as he pushes himself forward in the chair.

"Now handsome... Let's make one thing clean. I am no girl, and I don't want to be a girl. Lady Lalaland is a creation on her own. She is a voice that emerged for when I need to say things that Cameron can't say, but I ain't no girl. Lady Lalaland is someone completely different from Cameron. Think of me as having a twin. Someone that inspires me. Someone that gives me the will to fight. And off course, most importantly, someone sexy who pays my bills," Cameron says before he sits back in the chair again. "Do you understand that? I'm just a little gay boy from the Bible belt who dresses up and gets paid for it."

I nod my head, not really knowing what to say. I hate it when people assume things about me, and here I go doing the exact same thing to someone else.

"I'm sorry... I just thought that maybe you were transgender or something," I try to apologise, hoping that I'm not somehow making it worse.

"Don't say sorry. But just don't assume honey," Cameron says. "Now try to rephrase your question."

"When did you know you were gay?" I ask. This time with a bit more caution. "And when and how did you become a drag queen?"

"Well handsome... It's that just a story for the ages, so I hope you have time. What we actually need is a mug of hot chocolate," Cameron says as he gets up. "Just wait here for a second. I'll be right back."

I watch him as he walks over to an RV parked just at the edge of the forest and disappears inside. I can't help but wonder what E.J. would say if he found out I had a midnight chat with Cameron. Or maybe it would not bother him at all. At this stage I don't know any more what E.J. thinks or feels. It seems to change from the one day to the next. The one moment he is kissing me in the rain, and the next he almost wants nothing to do with me. I am at this point so confused that I don't know what to do anymore.

It only takes Cameron a few minutes to return from the RV with a flask, two mugs and a pack of marshmallows.

"See! Just what we need to get the show going!" he says as he sits down and starts to pour the hot chocolate. "I hope it's still hot enough. And help yourself to some marshmallows honey. Hot chocolate is not hot chocolate without some pink and white in it."

Once I have my hands surrounded with the warm cup he pull something else out from under his kimono and hands it to me.

"Put those on. We don't need frostbite on those toes," he says with a smile, allowing me time to process the pair of woollen socks in my hand.

Reluctantly I put down the cup warming my hands and pull the socks over my feet that immediately start to thank me.

"Thanks. You're a life saver," I answer with a smile as I pick up my cup again and wrap my hands around it before I take my first sip. "This is good."

"Glad you like it. So you want to hear my long sad story from shy little gay boy to fabulous queen of the night?" Cameron asks, throwing one hand into the air as if he is ready to begin a one man show.

I nod as I take another sip from the hot cup. I need to know everything I can know. I need to figure out who I am and maybe Cameron is just the person to help me out.

"Well handsome. I should probably start at the beginning. I will keep it short and sweet, because you know that good things come in short supply," he says as he makes himself comfortable in his chair, folding his legs underneath him and straightening his back. I have a sneaky suspicion that even when he recounts his own life it will be as a performance.

"There he was! Cameron, the little baby, popping into the world in the light of the sun, just after noon on a summers day. If only he knew that his name would have been written in the stars one day, he would have probably preferred to have come out at night for his first performance, but so we all must learn. In any case, before I get off track, dad was gone before my birth. Real asshole if you ask me, but then again, maybe my awesomeness would have been too much for him to handle. I know it was almost too much for my dear old mother. Unwed mother. Low paying job, and later two jobs. She did what she could and when her little boy of eleven years old her he wanted a boyfriend and not a girlfriend she just gave a sigh and gave him a hug and told him he should try to next time tell her something she didn't know before. The thing is, little Cameron didn't really know before then either. He knew he was different, but he didn't really know. Sex wasn't really on the menu you see, and you never know what you feel like until you have seen what the menu has to offer. I think my mom's hot boyfriend was what made me decide I wanted a boyfriend as well. So my coming out story isn't fabulous. It wasn't even a big deal. I just knew it. I can't tell you when or where I was when I knew for sure. I just knew, because I am like that. Just a natural at everything I do. Becoming a drag queen... Now that was something different all together..."

Cameron looks at me almost like he is waiting for an applause. When he however doesn't get one he continues with his story.

"It was my fifteenth year of breathing the polluted air of the planet Earth when everything happened. I decided that my mom's sequence top that she looks so great in would look better on me. I have seen the boys and how they look at the girls at school with their crop tops and shiny cloths that they drape over their bodies. So what does little Cameron do? With lots of support at school, and being the popular drama and glee club kid, he decides to wear the red demon from his mother's closet to school. Honestly I thought I looked stunning. I definitely looked much better than little miss Britney who wore very much the same thing to school that day. Plus, her only talent was her blonde hair. At least I had something behind my incredible looks. Unfortunately I forgot I had gym class that day. I also forgot to bring some gym clothes with me. So there I was... Last class of the day. In my little boy underwear and the red sequence demon, trying to climb a rope, showing off my incredibly sexy ass off to every kid in gym class. And that's where things went wrong. Like usual I stayed till long after everyone had a shower before I decided to take one myself. Sure, I have never been bullied outright for being the queer kid, but I also wasn't going to tempt fate. So there I was, standing in the shower when Brady, Albert, Bobby, Charlie, and Greg walked in. Obviously I thought about making space for them in the shower, but that was the last thing on their minds. With throbbing dicks and without asking me permission they pulled me out of the shower and showed me exactly what my ass was really worth. It took me three hours after it happened to stand up. To just get the strength to stand up after every single one of them used me as their cum dump."

At this point Cameron stops speaking and looks at me without breaking eye contact. He doesn't even blink. I can see tears in his eyes, but his smile mocks me. Almost like he wants me to say something. Like he wants me to apologise because those assholes were probably jocks and I was one too. Maybe he thinks I am guilty by association.

"Would you like me to continue?" he asks.

I know I don't want to hear the rest of the story and at the same time I want to hear it. Slowly I nod in agreement, not knowing how I will get out of here without hearing the rest.

"Well handsome... You can only think what happened next. Me, a bottle of brandy stolen from mommy dearest's boyfriend, and a few bottles of my mom's happy pills. We made a lovely date right there behind the caravan in the park where we stayed. I counted them as I swallowed. I gave them names as I put them into my mouth. At first just ten. Later it was thirty. When I got to seventy pills I lost count. I remember crying a lot. My throat was burning. My stomach was burning. I was calling, but I didn't think anybody could hear me. I wanted to die so badly, and yet at that moment I wanted to be me again. I wanted it all to just go away so that I could be me. And that's when it happened. An angel was there when I woke up with white walls all around her. She told me what I did. I argued. I told her I just wanted to go to Lala land. She laughed at that. The end of the story shows Cameron, six months later walking out in full drag. He became who he wanted to be. Lady Lalaland was born. A person who comes from Lala land. A fierce girl who knows about nothing but glitter and unicorns, and can put a smile on anyone's face and make them believe they are dancing in a dream. Somehow she even took away Cameron's pain, because when she takes over she takes you to a place with no pain at all."

I watch as Cameron finally leans forward in his chair, his back not straight anymore. Indicating the end of his tale, of his life story. I feel like I should cry, but I can't. I don't know why I can't, but it doesn't seem like the Cameron in front of me went through all of that. You can see the hurt in E.J.'s eyes every single moment of his life. There's almost never something happy, but in Cameron's eyes there is something I crave. Something I desperately want. I want the way that he made the pain go away. I want the brightness and smile in his eyes. I want it for E.J., but most of all, I want it for myself.

I lean forward as well and stop when my face is only a few inches away from Cameron.

"What happened to the assholes who did all of that to you?" I whisper as if we are talking about a secret.

"Oh... They got away at first. But honey, I got back at them. I got back at them good, and maybe someday I will tell you the story. For now you should just hold on to your innocence," Cameron answers as he lifts up his hand and puts it on the burnt side of my face, making shivers run through me. He touches the scared skin without winching, or watching, just caressing it.

"My stepdad threw acid at my face," I say softly. "He wanted me to suck his dick."

"He sounds like an asshole," Cameron answers.

"I'm here to search for my grandmother. She lives here somewhere," I offer up more information. I want to take Cameron's hand off my face, but at the same time I want it there. It feels so nice. So good. Nobody wants to look at my face, let alone touch it.

"So why did you want to know everything? Are you confused handsome?" Cameron asks, this time cocking his head a little bit to the side.

"I think I might have feelings for boys," I say in an almost inaudible whisper.

"You think?" Cameron asks.

Before I know what I am doing I put my hand behind Cameron's neck and pull him closer. His lips feels cold against mine, the bite in the air between us as I push my tongue into his mouth, almost begging him to let me inside. For a moment he resists, pulling against my hand holding him against my lips, but then he gives in. He kisses me back. Not long and soft like E.J. did, but hard and fast and full of a passion that promises more.

I don't know how long we kissed, but its Cameron that pulls away first.

"That's enough cowboy. We both know I'm not the one you actually want to be kissing," he whispers out of breath.

I don't answer him as my eyes look past him, and there, behind the glass door...

"E.J." I say as I stand up, kicking over the empty mug at my feet, watching E.J. back away from me as if I am some monster from a storybook that just shattered his whole world, just like I just shattered the mug at my feet.