Chapter 4

"I would love to go to the Brooklyn Bridge," I tell E.J. as I fall down on the bed.

"Are you sure this will be okay? The double bed I mean? You don't find it weird?" E.J. asks as he rummages through his bag, packing things in an out, surely looking for something.

"I wouldn't have gotten this room if I wasn't okay with it. I would have kept looking," I answer.

Finding lodging in New York that's affordable is not exactly the easiest thing to do. They are either filled to capacity or no average person can even think about paying their crazy prices. New York might be a city where dreams can come true, but with the high prices I am pretty sure there's a few dead dreams waiting in a gutter someone as well.

"You never told me if you just ran away or left a note or something?" I say as I prop myself up against my pillow. You will never have an idea how good a bed feels until you have had a thirteen hour bus ride. It feels like heaven.

I check down to my phone as well, and true as form there is not one single missed call or text message waiting from my foster family. Maybe they are glad that they don't have to put up with my face anymore?

"They don't know yet," E.J. answers. "I send my mom a message early this morning saying that Chris really needed a friend so I'm going to stay there for a few days. It's not like she will find out soon. Chris doesn't text her all the time and my mom has never been as never-minded about me as now that she's married again and made another baby to boot."

He sounds bitter and I know the feeling. That feeling of disappearing into the world and nobody even noticing. What if we got killed? They would probably not even start a search for us until weeks later. That's how little we are actually loved in this world.

"Does it bother you? Your mom?" I ask. I know it would have bugged the hell out of me, but then again, my mom was my everything.

"Not as much," E.J. answers walking over to the bed and falling down next to me. I can see he has something in his hand. "In the beginning I thought everything was okay when she flew to come and get me in the hospital. She was my mom again. The one I knew before she got married to him. It was nice to have her there. To have her understand somehow. But when we got back home things changed so quickly. She went on with her life, and I couldn't help but feel like I was in the way all the time. I still feel like I am in the way actually. Like I can't be a part of her new life. I'm that constant reminder of her biggest mistake; James. I'm sure every time she looks at me she feels like she failed as a mother, and that's the one thing she doesn't like to be confronted with."

I want to take his hand again, but once again I am scared to do so. The bus was different. He leaned into me. I just want him to know that he is so much more than the remembrance of other peoples failures and mistakes.

"We've been fuckt up pretty good hey?" I say, trying to break the seriousness in the air a bit.

"Yeah... They really did a number on us, didn't they," E.J. replies as he stretches his hand out to mine. I allow my hand to open, expecting him to put something in my hand, but instead he drops something small into my palm.

"And this?" I say taking a close look at the ring he placed in my hand.

"Just something to say thank you. I was going to wait until your birthday, but now seemed like a good time," E.J. says as he falls back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and avoiding my eyes. I know that behaviour way too well. That's how you act when you give someone something and you're not sure they will like it, and you'd rather look away for a moment to give them time to go through the emotion that will show on their face before they act like they love what you have given them.

I turn the ring around and look at it. I want to do the same to E.J. so that he can see I am not faking the enthusiasm or how happy I am, or even how much I like this.

In a very simple silver setting rests a small stone in the brightest red I have ever seen, and on the sides there is an engraving.

Friendship lasts until after the mountains have turned to dust.

He must have heard me gasping a little bit, because he turns to me and says: "It's a garnet. I couldn't get a ruby, because they are damn expensive."

"I love it!" I exclaim, and I move in to give him a hug as thanks but I moved too quickly and I can see his entire body tensing up, making me pull back out of the hug as well.

"Sorry..." he mutters. "It was a bit quick" he says and then he leans in for a very quick hug without any magic.

"Sorry. I should have thought," I tell him. "But really E.J. this is awesome. I love this so much!"

"Are you sure?" he asks almost shy.

"Hell yeah. I am never taking this off," I answer and then I start trying them on my fingers. Finding the only finger it will fit snugly on I push it on and admire the dazzling red stone in the cheap motel light.

"That's where your wedding band should one day go," E.J. chuckles. "And you said you'd never take it off."

"I think friendship is just a little more important than holy matrimony, don't you think so my good sir?" I say in one of my British accents again, making E.J. laugh even louder.

"You sound like something from the Phantom of the Opera with that accent and mask," he wheezes.

"You know..." I say, stopping mid laugh myself. "I actually fucking hate the Phantom of the Opera. I've never liked it. I don't like the music at all. I don't even like the story. And I hate this fucking mask."

I pull the mask from my face, and even though he doesn't do it with any intention I can see E.J. staring right at where my handsome face used to be. And just like that I can't stop the depression hitting me like a huge rock in the pit of my stomach. Somehow this guy in front of me has learned to be friends with me besides the fact that I look like a horror movie villain. Somehow the fact that we are both broken pulled us together and we can somehow still have at the very least each other even when nobody else wants us.

"I'm sorry..." E.J. mutters, looking at me. I must look really terrible. I wish there was some way I could turn back the clock. That I could have dived just a little bit more to the right and let the acid land on my arm. Or bent down so that it could have rather landed on my back. Anything would have been better than not having a proper face anymore.

"Don't be. It's life dude," I say dropping the mask next to the bed and enjoying the slight breeze running over my skin. "We each have our own cross to bear."

"I've always thought you are so brave. I don't know if I would ever be able to handle things as well as you do," E.J. says making me snort. I can see he doesn't believe my snort at all, but I'm not exactly about to convince him otherwise.

"Okay. So we are in New York. It's a city that never sleeps and we can go anywhere we want to. What do you want to do?" I ask getting off the bed and drawing open the curtains to show the lights outside, the cars passing by, and somehow everything just seems louder here.

"Can I be honest?" E.J. asks.

"Sure," I answer falling back onto the bed. It feels like the city is calling me. Almost like I am running out of time, even if I am the one deciding how much time I have left.

"Can we stay in tonight? I'm really tired," he says and yawns.

"Didn't you like have fifty coffees on the bus?" I ask, smiling because there is something about E.J. that just seems so cute when he gets tired. He almost looks like a lost puppy.

"And right now I'm crashing a little bit," E.J. says as he pulls his shirt over his head exposing his upper body. "I really just need a few hours of sleep and then I'll text you and meet up with you okay?"

I watch him take his shoes off before he climbs in beneath the covers and then takes off his jeans and drops them in front of the bed. He's probably only in his underwear now.

"Then I'll stay in as well..." I answer, looking at E.J.'s naked torso against the white pillows behind him. "I'm just gonna opt for a shower first if that won't bother you."

I don't wait for his answer as I run into the bathroom with my bag and close the door behind me. As soon as I have opened up the faucet and the water is running I sit down on the floor in front of the shower. I'm conflicted about how I feel to be honest. I have never felt this way before in my life. There's just something about E.J. that I find more than just cute. I actually in a way find him attractive. And I'm bloody straight!

"I'm straight," I say as I stand up from the floor and look at my deformed face in the bathroom mirror. "And even if I was gay it wouldn't have mattered at all. Nobody can ever love a face like this. I can't even love a face like this."

I turn around, having seen enough of the monster that stares back at me and pull off all my clothing and get into the shower. I can't help staring down at my hardness, but I ignore it. I have fantasized about many people as I jacked off over the years, but with what E.J. has been through I will not do it to him. I will never do it to him.

By the time I get out of the shower I really do feel the chill in the air around me. Feeling just as tired I think that I might be able to get some sleep as well. No matter how hard it might be to climb into bed next to E.J. at this moment. Making sure I have enough clothing on I walk out of the bathroom to find E.J. already asleep in the bed.

Making sure not to wake him I slide in next to him.

I stare at the ceiling for a while, trying not to think of the fact that I might have definitely come to the point where I might be able to cross number one off my bucket list.

The garnet in the ring sparkles in the light coming in from outside the window and I can't think to myself that I could mean this much to him. To the boy who once told me in a hospital room that he vows to never fall in love. The same boy who told me on the bus that he can never be with someone.

E.J. turns in his sleep, making me gasp as he throws his hand around my body, inching closer as if I am some comfortable teddy bear. I can't help myself as I place my hand over his, looking down at his face as he struggles to get used to this new position in his sleep. When his nose finds my neck and his breathing is right against my shoulder he settles down again.

I don't sleep at all.