Chapter 64: I Hate Myself for Loving You

Rhiannon

I hate this.

I'm not even the jealous type, to be honest.

In my book, if my man has "wandering eyes" then he can wander the hell away from me. I don't need anyone who isn't there for me. He doesn't need to be a monk - I live in the real world - but if he has to look at other women, then he must not be happy by my side. So why would I need anyone like that?

I'm a confident black woman who is self assured of her worth.

So why did I get so jealous of Aaron? I understand he wasn't walking with his harem inside the pack house that day. He's an Alpha, not a sultan. But I got so mad at seeing that floozy get close to my mate. Too close for my comfort.

I guess I may have some issues. Trust issues, insecurities as a black woman mated to a powerful white Alpha. Not that I think race matters in any mating. It doesn't. And like I said, I know my self worth.

But I wonder sometimes. I know I rejected him. I know I have no leg to stand on as he pointed out to me last Thursday. Even if he was getting it on with any of those women, rejected mates are not expected to have any loyalty to their original partners.

I mean, you have to decide for yourself but you can't have it both ways. I know that. I'm not stupid. But I'm not being very rational about this. I'm a werewolf and we are possessive creatures.

As far as my wolf is concerned, Aaron is my mate. Regardless of the fact that I'm his second mate. Or even that I rejected him. If anything, I should take a page out of Ares' book who is now radiantly happy by Spencer's side - now that he was declared innocent and dodged the proverbial bullet.

But Ares never wavered regarding his relationship to Spencer. He accepted him at face value. Then again, Spencer is NOT Aaron and he didn't treat Ares as horribly as Aaron did me.

But that was then, this is now. And right now I hate myself for being so jealous of him. So needy. I hate myself for giving in to the mate bond, but I'm only human. Mostly.

I'm 23 years old. I'm lonely. Men aren't the only ones with needs, you know?

And no, I'm not getting some random [human] man in my bed just to scratch my itch. For starters, I'm not gonna have sex with someone while thinking of Aaron.

Besides, I really wanted him. I know, right? I hate it too but this pesky mate bond didn't come to play. It's impossible to circumvent it, to overcome it. I'm a warrior, accustomed to power through tough situations, but I'm not made of steel.

There's still a heart beating inside me and it is lonely, crying out for its mate just as much as my wolf keeps howling inside my chest, aching for it. I wish it wasn't this way but I don't make the rules, I just follow them.

I hate to admit it even to myself, but the sex was so good I thought we were going to be caught inside the living room of their pack house. The door was locked, of course. But that was NOT the adequate place to do that.

But fuck that was hot. Then, he took me to his room to take a shower. Naturally, we did it again just because. It's kind of a funny situation. Werewolves as you know have a great sense of smell. That means we couldn't decide to NOT take a shower afterwards otherwise everybody would've scented we had sex.

On the other hand, as soon as we appeared freshly showered everybody could tell we had sex anyway. I was mortified before his family, not that he let me feel bad for it.

And then there was the small matter of my fangs elongating after we made love, begging me to mark my mate for eternity. I couldn't do that, I wasn't prepared for it. So I had to bite down my arm instead, just above my wrist.

I felt like a teenager again. But though I hate myself for feeling this way, I can't regret what happened. On the contrary, now is all that I can think about.

His hands on my body. His lips on my lips. Oh Goddess, why did I have to surrender to him?

Who can resist your mate saying I'm the only woman for him?

Technically, I am. But still... it's not for the lack of female presence in his life. So many young widows. A buffet of various types of women. Lonely, available...

I growl at the thought. This is not going well for me. Here I thought I was stronger than him, tougher than what the mate bond could throw at me.

Yeah... not so much. My mother used to tell me: 'you don't get to judge the person selected for you by the Goddess. His body type, ethnicity, wealth, even their gender is selected by her - not that she pairs people of different sexuality together, it's never a punishment or a "cure".'

She told me though facing some resistance from me: 'we are werewolves. We don't get to pick our partners, we can only accept them and make the most of the relationship.'

I was eleven when I first shifted into a wolf and was taught about the reality of life. Of course, I was prepared for my consecration [first time we shift into a wolf, on the first full moon after our 11th, 12th or 13th birthday] just like the next little cub. I knew I was going to shift, just as I had already seen my mother shifting.

But I was in for a shock once she told me I would be paired against my will on my 18th birthday. Then she died and I didn't get paired up for 5 years. Five long years without a mate. I was beginning to think I was being singled out to suffer. Motherless and mateless.

Now I'm mated but I still don't have a partner. By my own choice, of course.

When I arrived at Spencer's trial last Saturday - one hundred warriors made the trip with the Alpha couple. We're not taking chances with Landon's life anymore and if they come for him, they better come with an army - I was more concerned about seeing my mate again than about the trial itself.

Not that I wished Spencer any harm, but evidence strongly suggested that he was guilty. Regardless, it's way above my pay grade to decide his fate. But I was nervous to see Aaron again.

In the end, I was stationed outside of the gymnasium and didn't actually see him at all - we didn't get to pick where our positions would be, everyone was assigned by Delta Saunders previously to our departure according to the strategy that was planned by Beta Carillon.

It secretly crushed me not to see him. I still could scent him inside because even though the place was packed, a mate's scent is indistinguishable to their partner.

Still, this is not enough for me.

Of course, I was working so I had no choice on what to do. I'm a soldier and this is a job, not a playground. We go where the man tells us to go. It 's fine by me.

But now my head is not in the game anymore. I asked my dad to fast track my vacation - if you can't take advantage of the fact that your dad is the second highest ranking warrior, then what are you doing with your life?

I can't go on patrols distracted by my mate's image on my head. Though I don't patrol alone, warriors can't afford to get distracted. We almost never encounter an enemy or a rogue, but it happens when we least expect it. Next thing you know, your warrior mother is dead.

I have to get my mate out of my mind, but fuck if I can succeed it. If I knew how to do it, I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. I really wish I could, but the more I think about him, the more I want to...

I spent my Monday at home by myself moping around, cooking and cleaning the house. Anything I could do to distract me from thinking about him. I tried really hard, but his lips on mine kept replaying in my mind.

Oh my Goddess, the kisses! Those soft plump lips that are no match for my greedy mouth. He kissed me like I was the only girl in the world. Oh Rihanna, I finally get you, sister. But the problem for me is that he is the only boy in the world that I want.

"HI, RI. I HEARD YOU TOOK A WEEK OFF. I HOPE YOU ARE OKAY. CAN I VISIT YOU TOMORROW? I'M HERE IF YOU WANT TO TALK."

My phone alerted me I had received a text from Landon. He's so adorable for worrying about me, but my father is also troubled by my mental state. He's not used to this side of his daughter. Like I said, this isn't like me.

I texted Landon back saying that I was dealing with some issues. I would talk to him gladly, but I was going on a short trip on Tuesday morning.

After breakfast, I took my car to the Blood Moon pack to see my mate. This is torture. And ridiculous of me to keep punishing myself with this denial that is frankly not fooling anyone anymore.

I arrived at their pack house by surprise some time after 9 a.m. I was welcomed by their warriors first - at this point they know who I am - before I made my way to the Alpha wing of the giant manor.

I knocked on his door, anxious and nervous about his reaction to seeing me. It's not like we left things well explained on Thursday. I barely said goodbye to him when I was here last, accompanying Harry on Landon's orders.

"Hi, mate. What a pleasant surprise!" - He smiled at me once he opened the door. His reaction was so genuine and his smile frankly melted my heart.

"Hi, Aaron. Sorry for coming unannounced." - I said, entering his room that he gestured for me to come in.

"You don't have anything to apologize for. You can come visit me any time. If it were up to me, you'd never leave my side." - He said in a romantic tone that had me swooning like a little girl with her first crush.

I couldn't help but to cry. I feel like I've been holding in so many emotions, so much expectations for me that probably I created them for myself. No one ever told me I had to reject my mate. No one ever judged me one way or another.

Not my father or my friends. I just put it in my head that I was doing the right thing and I was, for a time, but now it's just hurting me. Like a lot. I feel so vulnerable right now.

Aaron rushed to hug me, comforting me. He asked me why I was crying and if anything bad had happened to me.

"No, it's just... I can't hold it in anymore. I can't deny the mate bond. I need you, Aaron. I need my mate and I can't stop thinking about you..." - I said in tears. As if somehow I was surrendering to the enemy, as if this is my capitulation.

"You are entitled to accept your mate just as you are to reject me. You don't owe anyone any explanation for it. It's your prerogative as a woman and as a werewolf. You decide. And for the record: I can't stop thinking about you too. I don't think about anything else since we were mated." - He admitted in a vulnerable tone.

I looked at him and he was just so honest, so open. I could feel the meaning of his words as he said them. He's telling me the truth. He wants me too, though he never denied that.

I kissed him while my face was still wet with tears. I never felt as fulfilled as I am by his side. My wolf is howling inside my chest because of the close proximity to our mate.

I kissed Aaron hungrily, as if I was starving and he was the meal. I was thirsty and he was the drink. I was lonely and he was the cure for my broken heart. My mate gave himself to me with open arms.

I can't take this anymore. I'm done psyching myself out of this. It's past time I do what I was put on this Earth for. Check mate, Goddess. You win again. Though I'm pretty sure no one ever wins against you. At least, no werewolf.

I took my mate's shirt off. His pale skin is somehow more appealing to me than ever before. I didn't realize how my mate is jacked under his shirt. I was so mad last time he was shirtless that I didn't even register that. I mean, the penultimate time he was shirtless.

"You're so hot!" - I complimented him, perplexed at his muscled physique.

"Thank you! You're very beautiful, mate." - He grinned at me, smitten. I don't know why but I found that so adorable. He's not afraid of showing vulnerability, which for an Alpha is very impressive. At least with me.

I pushed him to fall on the bed, continuing to kiss him voraciously. He tastes even better than last time, for some reason. I start taking my clothes off.

"I, Rhiannon Henderson, accept you Aaron Staedler, as my mate and my Alpha." - I declared as he smiled the widest I've ever seen so far.

"I, Aaron Staedler, accept you Rhiannon 'gorgeous' Henderson, as my mate and my Luna." - He snickered.

I mean, come on! What's not to love about that?

I may hate myself for it, but fuck it. I'm done now. I'm not making excuses anymore.

Now, if you please excuse me, we're not leaving this room until I'm satisfied. And that's gonna take a very long time. It's been a pleasure, y'all.

A|N: I didn't want to put the first song in but Rihanna forced my hand. LOL

Curiously, she's not the reason why this character is named what it is.

In actuality, the reason for her name is another. It's coming up soon.

This is the last chapter from her P.O.V. I hope you enjoyed it.

Next I think we need to catch up on a liar... O.o

PS.: Of course I wrote this chapter with this song in mind. It's perfect for the theme.

Love,

Léo.