15. marcus

FIFTEEN

marcus

Thursday, March 20th

It had been raining all week, and Isaiah was starting to get antsy. He hadn't been able to play baseball for what he deemed far too long. He never usually bit his nails, but he seemed to be doing it a lot more lately.

Practice was still cancelled, but he managed to convince Steve and Ashton to go to the cages with him. Ashton was reluctant, as he'd bought a new video game he wanted to play, but Isaiah persuaded him by promising to buy him something to eat afterward, and just like that, the game was shoved to the back of his mind.

"My shoes are gonna get dirty," Ashton complained as they walked to the cages. The gravel crunched underneath their feet, and Isaiah couldn't tell if he liked or hated the sound. "I just bought them."

Steve snorted and glanced at his shoes. They were so white that it actually hurt to look at them. "Your fault for buying white ass shoes. Have fun washing them."

"Fuck you, too, then."

"He's right, though," Isaiah commented, shrugging his shoulders.

Ashton pursed his lips. "I know that. But still, fuck you."

Isaiah grinned. "Someone's cranky. Who pissed in your cereal this morning?"

"Okay, first of all, I had oatmeal. Not cereal. And secondly, I'm not cranky. You two are just annoying."

"That's rude," Isaiah replied, faking a saddened look. Ashton took one glance at him and scoffed, mumbling a quiet 'dumbass' as he picked up his pace, leaving them behind.

After a few silent moments, Steve whispered, "He's definitely cranky," and Isaiah laughed. Steve chuckled too, a sound Isaiah quickly realized he didn't hear all that much. He glanced at him with an arched eyebrow.

"You seem happy," he commented. Steve hummed, shrugging his shoulders and sliding his hands inside his pockets.

"Do I?"

"Yeah." Then at Steve's silence, he shot him a teasing grin. "Is it because of Morgan?"

Steve scowled. "Die."

Isaiah gaped at him. "Rude," he responded, offended. "But that just proves I'm right. You're welcome, by the way, for bringing up plants."

Steve narrowed his eyes. "You're bringing up Morgan, that means I can bring up August."

Isaiah frowned and felt his walls coming up again. "That's different."

"How so? They're both crushes."

"I don't like him, Steve. I'm not interested in anyone. And even if I was into him, it's still different. It's not as easy."

"It is when he also swings that way."

"Now is not the time for baseball puns," Isaiah grumbled.

Steve blinked. "Oh shit, that was an accident, I swear." He still snorted in amusement, slapping a hand over his mouth at the realization. "Oh my God."

Isaiah rubbed at his jaw, feeling his neck warm against his will at the simple mention of August. He was sliding deeper into his stupid feelings, and he just wanted them to go away. It was already bad enough liking someone in general, but making it a guy was even worse. Whoever was controlling his simulation was truly out to get him.

He couldn't tell if Steve was teasing him, or if he could actually tell Isaiah liked August. He didn't know which option made him the most uncomfortable, either.

"Still not easy," Isaiah said, and he felt as though he was just digging himself a deeper grave.

"Why is that?" Steve asked. Are these trick questions?

Isaiah rubbed at his elbow, feeling a lot more anxious than he should've been. He knew Steve's feelings on the topic, so why did he still feel so hesitant? He probably couldn't tell, but Isaiah was screaming internally.

"Because then I'll have to come out."

"You will or you would?"

Isaiah clenched his fists. "I'm done with this conversation," he muttered, annoyance lacing his words. "I'm gonna go catch up with Ashton."

If Steve said anything, he didn't hear it. Isaiah picked up his pace and reached the cages, brows furrowing at the sound of Ashton's voice and someone else's. He pushed his way inside, about to speak until he saw who Ashton was talking to. Isaiah faltered, straightening up at the sight of Marcus, who immediately became awkward once he made eye contact.

"Oh." Isaiah cleared his throat, looping his fingers through the holes in the fence. "Hi."

Marcus forced a weak smile. "Hey. Are those—" He gestured to Isaiah's shoes. "—new? They look nice."

Isaiah's frown deepened. "No," he said flatly. "I got them almost two weeks ago." You would've known that if you'd been around then, he thought bitterly.

"Uh, right. H-how much were they?"

"Why do my shoes matter right now?" Isaiah snapped, irritation from Steve's interrogation shining through. He didn't mean to be so bitter, but he had every reason to be, even if he didn't want to.

Marcus exchanged a panicked look with Ashton. "I—well, they don't."

Ashton stepped forward, running a hand through his hair. "I asked him to come by," he admitted, pinching his bottom lip between his fingers. "Sorry."

"What the fuck?" Isaiah whispered harshly. "Why?"

"I can hear you," Marcus mumbled.

"Fuck off," Isaiah said at a normal volume. "Did you hear that, too?" Isaiah winced at his own words. August was rubbing off on him, and he couldn't quite tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe both.

Ashton sighed. "He said he wanted to talk to you."

Isaiah sent Marcus a withering glare. "So now you want to? After weeks of silence? After spreading some stupid lie about me?" When all Marcus did was hang his head, Isaiah scoffed. "I don't know how you're going to convince me I shouldn't give up on you."

"I wanted to talk to you alone," Marcus said, uncharacteristically shy.

"Whatever you want to say can be said in front of Ashton."

"Nah, it's fine," Ashton said, waving a dismissive hand. "I'll be out there." He jerked his thumb outside, then scurried off in that direction, leaving the two of them alone. It was like the tension in the air got thicker; it was almost suffocating.

Despite his words, Isaiah felt so much relief seeing Marcus there, wanting to finally talk to him. But he kept his pissed off expression, knowing very well it made Marcus uncomfortable. Which was exactly what he wanted it to do. He'd made him feel like shit for weeks, so he could deal with it for a few minutes.

"I'm sorry," Marcus started, and Isaiah had to refrain from rolling his eyes. "I am. What I did was just shitty. And my reason for doing it was stupid and childish, I can admit that. I just..." He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at his forehead. Isaiah watched him cautiously.

"The reason?" Isaiah asked. "What was it? That's all I want to know."

Marcus sighed. "I felt... replaced?" He looked up at Isaiah with his eyebrows furrowed, as if he didn't know how to explain it. "Like I was being replaced. I've been—I was—your best friend for so long. And I felt like I was just a second choice, and Steve was your first. You would always come to me first, but then that changed." He shook his head to himself. "Basically I just felt like I wasn't your best friend anymore."

Isaiah felt his shoulders slump at the revelation. "I understand that, I do. But it doesn't give you an excuse to spread a lie like that."

"I know, okay?" Marcus admitted, leaning back against the fence. "I know. I didn't want to admit that I felt like that. I felt like I'd be compared to some overdramatic teenage girl."

"And?" Isaiah murmured. "We all have feelings, Marcus. You're allowed to show them. It doesn't make you weak or overdramatic."

"I know," he repeated. "I know that now. I do. I'm sorry."

"It's not only me you should be apologizing to," Isaiah told him. "It's all of us. But is it true? What you said? That if I was gay, you wouldn't be okay with it?"

"No," Marcus replied honestly. "I may be shit at expressing my feelings, but I'm not a fucking trashy homophobe."

"Okay, good," Isaiah said, nodding slowly. "That's good. Because—" Isaiah paused. Then I wouldn't be able to tell you I'm gay. He kept those words back. "Never mind."

Marcus nudged him with his shoe. "What is it?"

Isaiah shook his head. "Nothing. It's not anything important."

"Oh, okay."

Isaiah sighed, sliding down the fence and onto the ground, back pressed against the metal behind him. Marcus paused, hesitating, before he took a seat beside him, bumping their shoulders together lightly. The simple action made him both relieved and nervous.

He almost said it. He was so close to telling Marcus he was gay, but the unnecessary doubts about him keeping it a secret was tainting his mind. To be fair, it wouldn't be easy to trust him again. Not after what he did.

Can we really go back to normal?  Isaiah glanced at Marcus out of the corner of his eye. He had no idea; the trust was already shattered to pieces. Even if things happened to get better, it would be fragile and not as strong as before.

With one wrong move, everything would come crumbling down.

___

Q: in honor of pride month, if you're comfortable, what are your pronouns and sexuality? (:

A: I'm panromantic asexual, and my pronouns are they/them x