23. revelations

TW: slurs, violence, and homophobia.

TWENTY THREE

revelations

Freshman Year - Sophmore Year

August met Jay during their freshman year, both of them in the same athletics period. People immediately flocked to him, because he was just that guy.

The guy whose smile was unfairly contagious. The guy that was six feet tall and had a presence that attracted all different types of attention: good and bad. So it was no surprise that August fell for him, and fast. So fast, he didn't even realize his feelings until it was too late, and he was in so deep that it would take more than a shovel to dig him out.

August saw him as the most beautiful flower in the garden, one that he couldn't even fathom picking in fear that he'd crush it. But it didn't matter in the end, because Jay saw him too. He dug him out from the root up, ripped him from the safety of the flowerbed, and killed him like the weed he deemed him as.

It wasn't always like that, though.

Jay befriended him on the dawn of the second semester. "You're the only person I haven't had an actual conversation with yet," he'd said.

To which August thought, yeah, because I avoid the team at all costs. It wasn't personal; it was just that August had never been good with people.

Despite his inner speech, however, August simply replied, "You're not missing out on much."

Jay had just laughed and shook his head, as if August told him a hilarious joke. But the awkward truth was that he was right; he wasn't missing out. He was just some average guy with an average life, and an above average ability to play baseball. August wasn't going to pretend to be humble and brush off compliments as if they were just random words—August was good, and he was damn proud of it.

The next time he spoke to Jay was at a house party after a successful game, the whole team and plus ones crowding inside one of the player's houses. It was big, filled with expensive items, and August thought two things. One, anyone could steal any of the shit that was kept in the open. Two, anyone could break all the shit that was kept in the open. (August wasn't going to lie, he stole a cool pen from an office when he was looking for somewhere quiet to relax.)

August was watching two of his teammates get shitfaced playing beer pong when Jay approached him. He jumped when he felt an arm lock around his shoulders and shake him, and when he looked up, Jay was beaming brightly, pearly whites on display. He was like the perfect guy. Too perfect.

"What's that?" he asked, tapping his finger against the rim of August's plastic cup. He leaned down, invading his personal space, sniffed it jokingly before straightening up again. "Water, how boring."

August frowned, glancing down at his drink. "Is it boring to not want to destroy my liver?" he asked, rubbing at his elbow awkwardly. He was insanely close. Almost too close. It sent August's heart rate to the stars.

Jay hummed, arm sliding off the blond's shoulders, fingertips brushing the back of his neck as he did so. August shivered, felt a spark run up his spine, but he ignored it. It was most likely an accident. "Guess not," he replied. His hand dropped to August's back, and he smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners, gave his head a curious tilt. "I had some alcohol. I'll need some water soon." He looked down at the cup clutched in August's hands. "Mind if I have some of yours? The kitchen is packed."

August watched him warily, the hand on his back becoming much more apparent as the seconds ticked by. He handed it over, giving the boy a tight-lipped smile. "You can have the rest," he offered.

Jay thanked him, took the cup with a brush of their fingers, and sipped, eyes observing August as he did. The latter averted his gaze, kept it focused on the other things happening around them, and August thought high school parties are weird. A lot of them were definitely too young to be drinking.

Moments later, Jay bumped his shoulder against August's to grab his attention. "You look flushed," he commented, frowning, reaching out to place his hand against August's warm cheek. The contact left August speechless. He knew Jay was a touchy-feely kind of person, but not to this extent. The alcohol brought it out, he assumed. "Are you feeling alright?"

August gave him a small smile. "I'm fine," he said, taking his wrist and pulling his hand away from his face. "It's just warm in here." And you're far too close, he thought. I'm blushing more than I should be.

"Let's go outside then," he suggested, taking hold of August's arm, grip loose. "It's cooler out there. February weather is always nice."

"Sure, I guess."

Jay led him outside and onto the porch, plopped down on one of those swinging benches and patted the spot next to him. August sat down slowly, wishing he hadn't given Jay his drink, because now he didn't have anything to hold onto. So he picked at his nails instead, staring down at the ground. Jay caught his hand when he noticed, sent him a deep frown.

"You have that habit, too," he said, and at August's confused look, he added, "My brother does it as well. My parents have to put bandaids on his fingers sometimes just to get him to stop."

"Oh," August voiced. "Um, it's an anxiety thing, I guess."

Jay raised an eyebrow, lifted August's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to his fingertips. "I make you anxious?" He had a smirk on his lips, one that set August's nerves on fire, because yes, he did.

August was too young to realize, but that was the first red flag.

The second was over springbreak, when Jay invited the team to his family's beach house. August's parents were hesitant on letting him go, but he promised to text them updates and call them every now and then. So they agreed, albeit very reluctantly, and August had never been more excited.

Ever since the party in February, Jay had treated August like one of his best friends. Invited him to all the outings and partnered with him in class projects they shared. It left August's heart feeling full, and his chest fuzzy. It was a feeling he was slowly becoming addicted to.

August rode with Jay and two others (Lawrence and Kai), since Jay had gotten his license just the month before. How his parents trusted him to drive three hours away to a beach house with a car full of friends was beyond him. He didn't question it though—he never did.

Two hours into the drive Lawrence and Kai fell asleep in the back, leaving only August and Jay awake. The music coming from the radio was low, some pop song that August had heard a million times before. He went to change it just as Jay did, hands brushing, and Jay grinned when August quickly pulled his hand back.

"You can change it," Jay told him, hand reaching over to touch his knee. August jerked a little, glanced in the backseat as Jay's hand drifted up to his thigh and squeezed. "Anything you like."

August chuckled nervously and placed his hand over Jay's, quietly whispering, "Don't do that here." In the beginning August simply thought Jay was a naturally affectionate person, but over the weeks he had come to know him, he realized Jay only did those things to him. Flirting, teasing, and touching him more than he would anyone else. August liked it, Jay liked it, but they didn't put a label on it. August wasn't sure where they stood in terms of a relationship, but he wasn't going to say anything.

"Aw, why?" Jay whispered back, a teasing lilt to his voice. He smoothed his hand over his thigh, fingertips pressing against the inner part of it. "They're asleep. You worry too much."

Red flag number two.

August's cheeks burned, and he shook his head, pushing at his hand again. "I'm not comfortable with it."

Jay's smile dropped, and he looked upset, so August quickly added, "When we're alone, yeah?" And the smile came back, and he tapped his finger against August's nose and then brushed down to his bottom lip before pulling away. He could be easy to please.

The first couple of nights at the beach house were fun, full of laughter and late night swimming, and August didn't think it could get any better. It was an hour past midnight, everyone else either asleep or playing videogames inside, but August still sat in the pool, hands becoming pruney the longer he stayed in.

He felt relaxed, back against one of the jets, the water pummeling against his lower back. He tilted his head back against the ledge, stared up at the night sky and tried to count the stars one by one, something to keep his mind busy. He didn't realize how focused he was until a loud and large splash occured, snapping him out of his trance.

August looked up, watching Jay come up from below the water, hands pushing his hair back, water droplets sticking to his lashes. He grinned at August, laughed at the shocked look on his face and waded over, leaning against the ledge beside him.

"I didn't even hear you coming," August mumbled, which made Jay burst into laughter.

"You're always so out of it," Jay said once he'd calmed down, tilting his head to the side to meet his gaze. "It's cute when you zone out."

August bit back a smile, lifted his hand and hovered his palm over the water. "Thanks, I guess," he murmured.

Jay was quiet for a moment before he slid closer, bare shoulder pressed up against August's. "We're alone now," he stated, voice soft in his ear. August could feel the ghost of his lips against the shell of it. "Remember what you said on our way here?"

"Yeah." If Jay was implying what he thought he was implying, August was definitely fucking nervous. They'd never kissed. Had never done anything more than exchange fleeting touches or gentle squeezes on each other's thighs or arms. Jay seemed experienced, but August wasn't, not one bit.

Jay had that smirk on his lips as he pulled August through the small waterfall and into the little nook behind it, hidden away from view. He didn't say anything, didn't warn him before he kissed him hard on the mouth, pulling him as close as possible.

In that moment, August had never felt so happy.

In that moment, he didn't realize what was so wrong with it. Not until years later.

Jay asked him to be his boyfriend after that. And August accepted (why wouldn't he?), and they kept their relationship a secret for longer than expected. Everything was going so well until August's sophmore year, when everything really changed for the worst.

It was after they won their first playoff game. Jay managed to sneak him out of the crowd and behind the bleachers, pressing him up against the fence and kissing him as hard as he could. August was dazed, sliding his fingers into Jay's hair and down to his neck, latching onto him and hoping it wouldn't end.

Jay pulled away slightly, leaned his forehead against August's, and smiled this lovely smile that made his knees weak. "We won," he whispered, teeth taking August's bottom lip and pulling. "All thanks to you. You were amazing tonight."

August gave him a dopey grin. "So were you."

"Yeah?" Jay murmured. "Show me."

And then August was kissing him this time, hands grasping the front of his uniform tightly. He never would've noticed the person if Jay hadn't shoved him away, a push so rough that it almost caused August to fall to the ground.

"Shit," Jay gasped, panicked. He looked at August, gave him this look that said I'm sorry for what's going to happen, then dashed out from under the bleachers to catch whoever spotted them. August lingered just far enough to hear.

"Kai," Jay said, voice sounding terrified and desperate. August almost thought he was going to ask him not to tell anyone, until he heard Jay's defense. "I'm so glad you saw that. I managed to push him away. You've seen how clingy he is, right? Turns out he's been into me the whole time. He just forced himself onto me."

August's blood ran cold. "I promise I'm not one of those," Jay said, voice filled with disgust, and even August almost believed him. He couldn't breathe. It felt like walls were caving in on him, trapping him in a room with no oxygen.

"Oh," Kai replied, surprised. "I mean, I didn't have a problem with it." He trailed off, scratching the back of his neck. "But if that's really what happened, you should report it, dude."

August checked out, a ringing sound vibrating in his ears, and he felt like his whole world turning black. His chest hurt, his lungs constricted painfully, and it felt like he was going to die. He found himself dropping to the ground, hand clutching the pole next to him as hard as he could, as if it could keep him steady. He almost let go. He wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

Suddenly his face was being cradled in Jay's hands, those familiar almond eyes staring down at him with a saddened look. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "but you understand, right? I can't have my future being ruined."

August nodded, saying he understood, but also thinking what about my future?

He was stupid enough to forgive him. Even when the rumor spread to the team. Even when the whispers were aimed at August. Even when Jay didn't bother to try and get rid of them. Even when August's nickname, Gunner, took on a completely new meaning. Even when he was called names and abandoned by everyone. The only one left was Jay, and even he was gone, it felt like.

It only got worse as the weeks progressed, and an argument broke out in the locker room. A player named Jackson confronted Jay, shoved him back, stared him down with a nasty glare. "You sure that queer forced himself on you?" he challenged. "Someone told me he caught you two making out. And you seemed really fucking into it, Anderson."

Jay's face hardened, and he stole a quick glance at August before meeting Jackson's harsh gaze once again. "You're gonna trust some random person, when you didn't even see it yourself?" he asked, calm, completely unlike the mess inside August's brain. "You don't know shit."

Jackson scoffed. "Prove you're not some faggot, then," he demanded, the word making August flinch. "Prove it, bastard."

"I don't have to prove anything," Jay declared, head held high. August was in awe then, admiring how Jay kept his cool and said all of that, but he should've known. He should've known Jay felt the need to prove himself. Should've known August meant nothing to him if he ripped him from his roots with such ease.

August's world ended a week after that.

Practice ran late. It was around nine o'clock at night and the dark sky was lit up by the moon and its stars. He was walking home, as he always did. He enjoyed it—taking walks. Whether it was for exercise or just to clear his head. It was calming.

He had his headphones in, Joji's voice flooding his ears and relaxing his tense muscles. He didn't hear the footsteps that ran up behind him, but jumped when an arm was slung around his shoulders. His earbud was ripped out, Jay's smiling face illuminated by the moon, but his eyes didn't reflect it.

"Hi," he said slowly, frowning up at him. "You're not driving?"

"Nah," he replied, ruffling August's hair that had grown past his ears, curls tucked around them. "Wanted to take you somewhere. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, just let me text my mom—"

"No worries," Jay interrupted, grabbing the hand that was reaching for his phone. "I'll get you home quick, okay?"

August faltered. "Um, okay."

"Cool." He took August's hand in the dead of night, the action taking him by surprise. But again, he didn't question it. Not even when he took him to the forest behind Lakewood Park. Not even when he pressed him against a tree and didn't kiss him, but simply said, "You know I love you, right?"

August furrowed his brows. "Yeah, why?" he whispered. "I love you too."

Jay smiled this sad smile, gripped the collar of August's shirt and mouthed I'm sorry before he shoved him to the forest floor, head bumping against the grass painfully. "Jay, what—"

His words were dead inside his throat when Jay sent a harsh kick to his side, August's eyes widening in shock and pain. He gasped, air being ripped from his lungs when another kick was launched at his side, over and over again until August felt as if his ribs were cracked to oblivion.

"Please," August cried out, curling in on himself. "Please, Jay, stop—"

He almost sighed in relief when Jay backed up, but the moment was cut short when a group emerged from hiding, one figure grasping a bat, the others empty handed. August shook his head, tried to sit up, but the pain in his side sent him back down with a pained cry. He knew these people—they were his own teammates.

"W-what's going on?" he whispered, chest heaving with shaking breaths. His tears blurred his vision, and he shook his head rapidly when they walked closer, and August wanted to disappear completely. "Stop. Stop, what are you doing? What did I do?"

Jackson stopped in front of him, bat raised like he was getting ready to hit a baseball. He didn't say anything, didn't even show a single ounce of guilt when he took the bat and slammed it down against August's leg, shattering any hope left inside him. A scream ripped from his throat, and he sobbed at the searing pain that traveled through him, adrenaline running through him but doing nothing to dull the feeling.

August's vision became far more blurry, masking the faces that came next. Blurs of fists came raining down on him—on his face, his sides—but it felt like they were all over his body. He didn't even have the energy left to scream, cry, or shout. All he could do was beg and hope that it would end soon.

When it did end, August was quiet, until he released a whimper that morphed into a sob, one that wracked his body and rattled his ribs, only making the pain so much worse. "I don't know what I did," he cried, finding himself in a fetal position, dirt clumping in his hair. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry."

Jackson scoffed, spat at him, saliva dropping onto his arm. "To teach you a damn lesson," he hissed, tone laced with venom. "Letting a queer get all the attention from scouts and coaches? Pathetic." He crossed his arms, bat in someone else's hands now. "Go fuck yourself."

Jackson cracked his knuckles before he landed the final blow. He kicked August so hard it made him roll over, and he couldn't catch himself before he tumbled down the hill behind him, the leg that wasn't shattered getting caught in a pile of sticks and thorns, dragging a heavy gash into his leg. He didn't have enough oxygen to scream.

"Dude!" shouted one of the guys, panicked. "Jackson, what the fuck, man? What if he's dead? We need to call the fucking cops. That was too far, too fucking far—"

"Shut the fuck up," Jackson snapped. "Who cares if he dies? He deserves it."

August looked up, barely making out Jay's familiar face staring down at him from where he fell. He saw his mouth move, could almost hear him say, You understand, right?

And August's answer was no.

___

August woke up in a hospital bed days later. Or weeks, or months—he didn't know. All he knew was that his body still ached and he couldn't feel his legs.

"Auggie," a voice gasped, and he looked over through bleary eyes to see his mother. She had tears in her eyes, a hand over her mouth. "Oh my God, you're awake. You're awake."

His father was there too, frowning deeply. He walked over to his bedside and smiled weakly, cupping his cheek in his hand. "Welcome back to the land of the living, kiddo."

"What happened?" his mother whispered, broken. "Wait, wait, let me call the doctors."

He was checked on by a nurse, then a doctor entered minutes later, a pitying look in his eyes. "Glad to see you awake," he said. "You were out for a few weeks. Someone called and said they found you in the forest behind Lakewood Park. Your condition was severe: trauma to the head, bruising on your face, and more around your ribs. The worst part was your legs." He paused after that, and August glanced down at the sheets, legs covered, and he wondered why they felt so numb.

The doctor sighed. "One leg was broken, the bones shattered almost completely. We just barely managed to save it. However, it won't be completely back to normal. Not for a long time. And the other..." He glanced at August's parents before looking at the patient again. He looked guilty for telling him when it was his job. "We had to amputate it from below the knee. When you were found, you had a deep gash, one that quicky became infected. We had to amputate it before it spread further."

August didn't know if he wanted to live anymore after that.

___

He was dischared from the hospital a few days later. He was stuck in a wheelchair until they got him fit for a prosthetic, and August felt pathetic. He felt dirty, sad, and like he wanted to sleep and never wake up.

August ended up having to tell his parents what happened. He left the names out and refused to press charges when he had no proof. Refused to do so when he knew they could just come after him again. So he told them about his sexuality and that he was beaten up for it. That he was betrayed by a boy he loved.

His parents didn't care that he was bisexual. No, they loved him regardless. So that wasn't the reason why his dad left months later.

Having to deal with a crippled son, one that was depressed, and having to deal with a wife who refused to leave his side, ended up being too much for him. So, he left, and he took August's last shred of hope along with him.

August missed the last few weeks of school. He had to go to summer school and fix everything he was too busy being in a fucking coma for. He almost gave up that summer. Until his mom decided to move to a different city in Texas, one far away from there, and give him a new life.

It took a while, but August realized he wasn't the weed in the garden of life. But a flower. One that wilted due to rain that wouldn't stop coming.

But a flower nonetheless.

___

Q: just tell me your thoughts on August's backstory. feelings? thoughts on the characters you met?