25- Fix Me (Pt. 6)

JENNIE

Why am hurting so much?

Why am I feeling that I lost a chapter in my life?

How did I.. Lost my own self?

I look up at the ceiling while laying on my bed, I feel empty in the midst of hatred.. I rewind all the moment I had with my counselor. I feel stupid.. I feel so stupid! I trusted her, I almost gave my all to her, my world, my feeling, my soul.. I thought she is the only person who can really complete me, help me from my drowning self, and fix my messed up life. I was wrong all the time..

I was reaching a hope that never actually existed. Tears escaped from my eyes. Its been one week after Lisa declared that we have no session to attend anymore. This one month was a short meaningful period for me, I feel alive everytime I think about her.

And this one month made me realized..

I love Lalisa Manoban..

I love her because the idea of our attachment and chemistry, the way she cared for me, the way she flows out her gentle concern, her glittering eyes when I open up about myself, the way she sweep my insecurities away. She was starting to change me, the way I think and the way I act. I'm more brave than before, knowing she'll be there for me assure me that I'm going to be okay.

I'm screwed.. I know all along that this relationship is prohibited, but I just can't help myself from drowning in her gentle embrace. Damn it.. It's hurt.. I hate that I'm hurting. I trusted people too much.

The thought of my past start to attack my insecurity, minute by minute, second by second.. I try to breathe slowly to ease my mind, just like Lisa always told me to. The image of my mother being beaten, asking me for help.. Every motion of my father, stabbing her over and over again.. My sister arival and her rageful self, fighting my father to death.

I can't..

No..

I trusted a person too much to make all these crazy things fade, to help me from myself.. This killing past, regret and sorrow. Lisa's face, Lisa's embrace, Lisa's care, Lisa...

My vision got blurry all of sudden... I can't breathe, this is too much for me to handle. I can't feel my body, every inch of my body are vanishing instantly. I just cant handle everything anymore.. I stumble on my feet, trying to find something to support my weaken body, all the fears mixed with insecurities and the feeling of wanting to drown are too much for me.

I gasp for air, it's suffocating me.. I struggle for few minutes, I crawl to search my phone.. I need help, I really need it, I'm not brave enough for this.. But my body seems refusing. I'm losing my breath.

I lost again.

"Jennie run! Don't you ever dare to look back!"

"Mom!!!!!! "

"Go Jennie! Run!!!"

"No unnie.. No.. "

I'm running against my fear to reach for mom and sister, they were laying on their chest with blood, I'm almost there.. Almost..

Dug!

I feel a hard tug on my wrist pulling me roughly from behind, I look at the person who tugged me.

"You're not going anywhere my little girl" My whole body trembles at the sight of my father raging face, his clenching jaw and his fury dark eyes, full with anger and insanity.

"Let me go!!! "

I struggle to let myself out from his hardening grip.

"You have been so much a bad girl Jennie.. You make daddy so mad"

No...

He begin to drag my body towards a room. The punishment room. Every little thing that made my father angry will lead us to be inside there. It's not a punishment room for me, it's not a place to abuse people..

It's a place to torture people, to murder them. Me, my sister and my mother have been a victim of my father's abusive side since my father lost his grip on life, struggling over a job, over society and family.

No!!!!

Closer.. The wooden door painted with red start to terrify me, the colour itself symbolize every blood that spilled the moment you enter the room.

I cry, I beg my father to forgive me.. To let go of me..

"Now Jennie.. Be a good girl, let daddy teach you how to be a decent human"

He smiles at me, the smile send a chill on my spine, something behind that smile.. Will surely make out a good  pain from what he was going to do.

"Now Jennie.. "

He push me roughly inside the room..

"Noooo!!!! Mommy!!!! Unnie!!!!! "

An: This is Jennie nightmare, a glimpse from her past. Jennie's mom and sister were beaten in the living room.

Ring Ring Ring!

Ring! Ring! Ring!

I open my eyes immediately as I  hear my phone ringing, sweat are flooding all over my body. My heart is still beating fast and the fear is still attached inside me. I passed out again, this illness have been really affecting me since I have it, it is getting worse day by day. Whenever I rewind my past, I'll get choked by the fear and trauma, it makes me hard to breathe and I passed out everytime I have it.

I regain my consciousness and roam my eyes around my room. The cold floor start to send a shiver on my body. I glance at my side, my phone is laying on the floor and I remember someone was calling me, I don't remember giving my phone number to anyone. I reach for my phone and I check on the caller ID.

Lisa? It's.. Lisa..

My heart beat erratically. I close my eyes.. Should I call her back? I don't think it's a good idea, she just want to check on me because she feels guilty. Yes.. That's it, I mustn't get weak, I mustn't depend on someone, I mustn't attached to her.. Not after she declared everything was wrong between us.

I groan in frustration, I'm not going to loose myself in this shitty hell place I call home, whenever I'm alone, it triggers everything inside me, my past, my anxiety, my insecurities, my paranoia.. It's killing me.

I need to get hold of myself.

AUTHOR

"Hey Jen! Where have you been? I didn't see your face for a week, what did you up to? Finding job? " Jennie sit on her usual spot on the club, having Camila flooding her with questions is really odd, like.. Since when did Camila ever cares about her.

"I miss you too Mila.. now.. Stop questioning, start serving. Give me my fav" Jennie shrugs Camila's question, she thinks that she really need something to release her from the suffocating matters which is growing inside her, killing her second by second.

Camila shooks her head and immediately prepares Jennie's drink. "Here.. Tonight, it's on me.. " Camila lay on two bottles of tequila on the counter. Jennie is surprised that she raises her brows looking at this odd Camila. "Stop with that look Jennie Kim, I just want to be nice to our regular customer who have been missing for a week" Camila rolls her eyes and that makes Jennie chuckles.

"Thanks Mila, you are a great... Person.. " Jennie smiles, she would like to call her a friend but, she remember the way Lisa treated her and then.. Left her.. in the end. "I know Jennie.. I'm a great person.. Not only behind this counter, but also to her customer" Camila knows that Jennie always restrain herself from encircling herself with people, she understand if she doesn't want to call her a friend, but she also know deep in that brunette's heart, Camila is one of the rare person who can really interact with Jennie deeply.

"Shut up Cabello, you're getting full of yourself, I don't like that" Jennie rolls her eyes in annoyance. "Hey Jenjen.. Long time no see! " It's a familiar voice, Jennie turns her head at the person who greeted her. "Hey Lauren.. What's up?" Lauren appear in a red lacey dress with a black neck choker. She immediately gives the petite girl a hug. "You don't want Camila to be jealous Lauren.. " Jennie whisper when Lauren tighten the hug.

"Don't worry about her Jen.. You're our friend, she won't get jealous of us..silly.. " Lauren slaps Jennie's arm lightly, when Jennie hears that Lauren call her a friend, she admits it really make her at ease. "Why didn't you show up for a week? " Lauren take a sit beside her and Camila follow to sit in front of her. Jennie sigh and take a sip of her tequila. "Lisa terminated our counseling session"

She feels a choke in her lungs when she mentioned Lisa's name. "I told you Jennie, you can't bend a stick, it will just break" Camila gives a soft look on her. "I know.. I thought.. I was different in her eyes, I thought she's different" She lift up her head and close her eyes, trying to shrug the pain away. "It's okay Jenjen.. You'll get better" Lauren rubs the petitte girl's back hoping that somehow it can help the brunette to feel more ease.

"I don't think so Lauren, she meant different from anybody else I ever met, maybe I was delusional to think that she was actually... Think about me differently, not as her client.. But you know.. Differently" The pain start to grow again, she takes another gulp of  tequila. She feels so suffered that she drink directly from the bottle.

"I think Lisa is different too Jen.. She cares for you, and it is genuine.. It's just, her job limited both of your and her relationship.. You knew it all along how a counseling process works Jennie.. " what Camila said is true, she clench her eyes remembering Lisa. She truly misses her. "She must really feel guilty that she have to choose her career over me, that's why she called me in this afternoon. "

"Lisa.. Called you? " Camila voice out in surprise. "Uhm.. Yes? " Jennie rise her brows. "Jennie, I think.. Lisa doesn't feel that way because.... " "and how did you know that Miss smart my ass??" Camila didn't get to finish her words when Jennie interrupt her, she really feel annoyed that Camila tries to defend Lisa's side over her. "Listen Jennie Kim.. Do you want to know how my smart ass know what that counselor of yours feel? Because she came here to check on you.. "

Jennie immediately stunned, she couldn't believe what she heard. 'Lisa? Lisa was searching for her? But why? I thought we have nothing to do anymore.. ' "Yesterday, she came.. I didn't know that she terminated your session, then she spilled out after minutes of debating why on earth she's flooding me questions about you when actually she was in touch with you every week" Camila soften her tone.

"W-what did Lisa asked you? " Jennie heart starts to beat fast, she doesn't know why she's nervous to hear about Lisa. "Well.. She asked how have you been, what are you up to now.. She also asked if you came here more often these past few days.. And.. she asked if you're coming at that night.. " Jennie feels a mixed emotion that she couldn't explain, happy.. Frust.. Relief.. Joy.. Sad.. Everything combined into one unexplainable feeling.

"I was wondering what happened to you after my conversation with Lisa.. You haven't missed a day without going here, even after you met Lisa.. You still went here.. Even not for a hook up.. So.. I suggested her to call you, ask how have you been.. " That explained why Lisa called her in this afternoon.

Jennie went home after Camila told her everything. She's flooded with puzzle, why did Lisa tried to find her? Did she really cared for her? She lay on her bed, take out her phone from her hand bag and stares at Lisa's number.

Tomorrow is her birthday. Should I call her?

She opens her drawer and take out a small box. She planned to gives Lisa the box on her birthday. She knew her birthday because she sneaked into Lisa's office room, she saw Lisa's basic information on a piece of paper while digging in whatever things lay inside or outside Lisa's table. Stalker? Nahh.. Just whipped. Hahahha

LISA

It's been a week after I terminate my session with Jennie. I don't know why I hoped Jennie would at least react to my text but no.. She didn't.. Is she okay? I admit that Im really worried about her. What if she try to do something ridiculous? Aishhh!!

I grab my hair in frustration.. This worry and guilt are really.. Really killing me.. I asked the management center in my company wether Jennie signed up to another counselor but no.. She vanish without any track, I want to contact her but.. I shouldnt do that, it violates the ethic. I lay on my bed thinking about what Camila told me before.

FLASHBACK

After arguing with my inner self for almost.. I don't know how many hours already.. I decided to go to the club which Jennie used to go.

I step in, this is the first time I go into a club, except the day I fetch Jennie when she was drunk. I roam around the space, in hope I got to bump with the puffy cheeks girl. For minutes.. I observe one by one, contemplate every face of the people on the floor, hoping to catch Jennie's feauture. But no.. She's not here..

I turn to the counter and found the petite girl which is.. Jennie's friend I think. I decided to talk to her.

"Uh.. Hey.. Remember me? " I sit on the counter's stool, the girl stop wiping the glasses when she hears my voice, shift her eyes to me. "It's Camila.. Jennie's counselor.. And yes I remember you.. " she glares, does everyone in Jennie's life have the same attitude as her? Unbelievable...

"Sorry Camila.. Uh.. It's Lisa by the way.. " I force a smile when actually sweat begin to form on my forehead as her bold character shows up. "What's bring you here? Trying to find hot chicks? I bet Jennie have taught you her talent.. " Camila smirk with a meaningful look. "N-no.. It's not what you think.. "  I try to find a suitable word so that this pettite girl won't throw her temper on me. "So? "

She asks me and raises her brows.. "Uh.. I actually want to ask about Jennie.. " She hums and immediately seated in front of me. "And.. What about her? " She ask me again. "Did she went here more often these past few days? " My question make her furrows her brows. "No.. In fact, she didn't go here these past few days, I wonder where she have been.. " I'm surprised at her answer, I can't believe that.. I thought Jennie will release her pain by hanging out in here, like what she always did..

I know how much I hurt her, I do.. I really do.. That's why I'm so worried about her, I'm concerned about her well being, her physical and mental health, is she doing okay? "Will she drop by here tonight? " Camila squint her eyes on me. "Did you.. Do something to Jennie? " I was really triggered by her question, I feel nervous instantly. "Come on.. Spill.. What have you done to my friend? " I try so hard to avoid her question.. "Lisa, tell me the truth.. You meet her every weeks and also do a catch up with her often through phone.. Why the hell you're asking me these fucking questions? Unless you did something really... Bad... To.. Her. " she narrows her eyes. Okay, that's it! Uhhh. .

I sigh.. "I.. Might have.. Dissapointed her or worse.. I might have hurted her,  like really, really hurted her.. " I hang my head low, not able to see directly on those fury eyes. "YOU. DID. WHAT?! " Camila's tone immediately change into high rageful voice. "I did that.. " I just cant think about any excuse when indeed it was my fault that Jennie feel that way.. My voice blurt out low.

"Uhh.. Miss Perfect Manner.. You know how Jennie's life is messed up right? And you just fucking messed it up more.. " Camila didn't know what really happened between us but she really pinned me on the point. I nodded like a little child who have been scolded by her parents. "Listen Lisa.. Jennie isn't that person who actually easy to attached to someone, and she's not that easy to come out with all her flaws at once.. I met Jennie three years ago and only know half about her till now.. Yet she she's still doesn't consider me as her friend.. Do you get my point? "

I shook my head, I don't really get what she's trying to deliver, stupid me..

"Uhhh.. It means that.. You are meaningful in her life.. She came out with all her flaws with you, let you see her weakness, her past, and her vulnerable side.. She's an ego maniac, but she listened to you.. She trusted you when you said that you will help her, fix her, heal her.. I have never seen her glitter when she talked about something or someone.. I've never seen her full with hope, to erase her fear and trauma.. I've never seen her as happy as when she talked about you.. She didn't even hook with any bitches after she met you.. She's in love with you Lisa.. And it's not easy for someone who got traumatic event in her life to let in someone in her own life.. To accept someone, to love someone.. Like she did to you.. "

END OF FLASHBACK.

Argh! Jennie why are you driving me crazy, what are you actually in my life? What did you do to me? Why am I feeling so...empty... And like I lost something important when I let you go? I decided to call her in this afternoon but she didn't pick up..

She must really angry for what I did to her.. I sigh again.. I wish I could do something..

AUTHOR

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!

Lisa is having a war with her mind, thinking about the puffy cheeks girl really worn out her mind, she was snapped out when she hears her door is being knock. She looks at the clock.. "WTF?! It's 12 in a fucking midnight! "

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

"What the hell? " the knocking sound become louder and faster, Lisa thought the person must be crazy.. Her neighbors will get disturbed in this rate, she immediately walk to the door without really wondering who must the person would be. "Coming! Please stop knocking! "

She opens the door and greeted by the sight of the figure she've been thinking all day.

"Happy Birthday Lisa.. "

"Jennie.... "

A/N: Happy birthday to our amazing maknae Laliceeee.. I'm sorry that it took me so long to update, it's been a hectic weeks for me. It supposed to be posted on Lisa's birthday but..yeah I'm late 😂