31- Homophobic (Pt. 4)

A/n: First of all, I want to warn you guys for the content and dialogue because it will be so disturbing, and a reminder.. I'm not intending to hurt anyone, or judging anyone, this is just part of the story line. If you feel it is inappropriate, please do tell me and I will stop this story immediately.

And also.. I'm actually using some line and words from the comment section, seriously.. you guys are so inspiring.. Hehe, so credit for you guys, wink!

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LISA

"Wait... 'We'?"

A thump hit my heart really hard, realizing my words before, I was eaten by emotion that I didn't even know how the shit I've been hiding for years revealed in the most ridiculous way. I clench my eyes tight, fear and shocked are evident in Jennie's eyes.

"Yes.. We, Jennie.. We.. " I open my eyes slowly, and this beautiful angel infront of me flinches as I shoot my stares in her. "Y-y-you.. " Jennie didn't get to utter a word because we're already arrived in front of our house. I didn't say anything but open the door and walk away from her.

I don't want to look into her eyes, that will be filled with hatred.

I don't want to hear her words, that will be filled with disgust.

I don't want to think about the future that will surely change, the moment she know that I'm one of the human she despised all this time.

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Jennie have been so distant from me since the day I revealed my secret, she pretend that everything is normal but never actually talk to me.. She will mostly avoid to have a conversation with me and will always cling either with Jisoo or Chaeyoung. My heart ache by her ignorance, what did I do wrong? What is wrong with being gay?

I can't do this anymore..

I look at the clock, it's already 3 and I still can't sleep, I've been disturbed by my uneasiness about the matter between me and Jennie. Oh God.. Why do I have to feel like this? Why am I trying to fix something I've never intended to be? Should I fix this abnormality? Ugh! No.. I'm normal, I. Am. Normal. People just couldn't accept us because all they think is we are ruining the norm.

I feel so hot at the thought, I need to get fresh air. I decided to go out for awhile, I need to clear my mind. I grab my coat and slowly twisted the door knob, afraid that the other member will awake at the sound of me trying to sneak out. I inhale the fresh air as I step out on the road, I walk slowly trying to enjoy the cool breeze, my thought get lighter and lighter..

I walk till I reach the park, roaming my eyes around.. I squint my eyes as I caught someone familiar, sitting in a curl beside the swing. I feel weak looking at her, my heart soften looking at her state. "Unnie? " she's startled and flinch back as she hears someone said her name. She turn her head to me "Li-Lisa? " the shock is evident on her face. "Yes unnie.. It's me.. Why are out here at this hour? Where is your jacket? " I frown while stepping closer to her.

"I-I.. " my heart ache looking at her, the fear she holds is really revealing. I stop on my track and sigh, looking down on the ground. I take off my coat and wrap her with it. "I'll head back to our dorm, you know you have a weak body.. Why are you trying to make yourself sick?" she averted her stares from me, she didn't even respond at my concern.

"Nini.. Look at me.. "

I sounds so weak, begging her the attention I need but she didn't even budge, my heart is screaming with pain.

"Nini.. Talk to me.."

I try to reach her hand but she pull it away while stepping back, her head tilted to her left, not wanting to see me. Oh god.. This is so painful that I hope someone can pull me out from this place. She take off my coat and drop it on the ground, my tears start to bulge, threatening to escape from my eyes.

Slowly.. She's stepping away, slowly.. She's walking away..

My heart break as I see her walking away.. I gather the strength to follow her pace, hearing my footsteps Jennie turn her body behind to see me, her face is red.. I don't know what is she feeling, what is she thinking. "Stay away from me! " she half screamed. I'm speechless.

"What did I do to you Jen? " I'm weak.

"Nothing Lisa.. Nothing! " She close her eyes tightly.

"Then.. Tell me, why are you being like this? " I said, getting nearer to her. "Stay away Lisa.. " she says in a low tone, a defeat sounded in her voice. "What did I do to you Nini? Tell me.. This is so painful for me.. " my voice start cracking, god.. I don't want to cry infront of this woman, I need to look strong, but my emotion didn't cope with me, tears fall tremendously. "Why you Lisa? "

She slowly open her eyes, her eyes are red. "What's wrong with my sexuality Jen? Why can't you just let it go and live like we always do? " I'm a few step from her, probably one step from her. "Why you Lisa..Why all out of people?! " she suddenly scream. "Why?! How did you become one of them? Why you?! " tears begin to escape from her eyes. "What's wrong with me Jennie? Why can't you just accept my true self?! " the cold breeze doesn't affect me anymore as a heat of rage start to over control me. "I hate them Lisa.. I HATE THEM! I hate the idea of loving the same gender! It's disgusting! Gross! And.. I can't.. I can't accept that, I'm so mad that you're one of them, I can't accept it Lisa.. I just cant accept that my closest circle is one of them.. Why Lisa.. "

"Jennie.. Did I ever hurt you? Did I ever hurt you when I was with you? Did I ever left any bruise on your body? You always ask me to do that and this.. I fucking do what you want, I was always been there for you when you're at your breaking point, when you pushed people away but I didn't leave.. I fucking care about you.. " I almost slip my other secret,

I love her.

"Tell me Jen.. Look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong with me being like this? "

"I TOLD YOU BEFORE LALISA MANOBAN, YOUR MINORITY WILL NEVER BE ACCEPTED IN HERE!"

My anger boiled instantly when she blurt out the words. "Why Jennie?!! Why are you so mean to me?! Why are you hurting me, my sexuality has never been related with the way I treated you! Why can't you accept us? Why are you so judgemental when we never even bothered you! You've been with me for years now Jennie Kim.. " I march towards her and cup her face with both of my hands.

"Now.. Tell me.. Did I ever hurt you? did I ever disrespect you? Did I ever left your side? " I soften my tone, searching an empathy from her. She sweep my hands away roughly. "I can't accept people like you Lisa.. " she mumbles in a cold tone, her  words instantly collapsed my sanity.

"You're a selfish homophobic girl who never think about others.. I wish I could be different from this, but I can't.. This is not how I want to be Jen.. This is my nature, same as your nature who've been a heterosexual since you're born.. I don't need you to accept me, but please Jennie.. Understand that I wish I've never been like this.."

I take a step from her.

"I'm not your business anymore, and you're not my business anymore. If my existence is hurting you, I'll gladly surrender and back off, because.. To be honest.. Your feeling have been always my priority"

With that, I turn away and run from her, carrying this broken heart wherever my body will lead on, I don't care anymore.. I just want to run from her, from the person I love the most, I care the most.

Shame on me..

JENNIE

Fuck! How did things ended like this? I groan in frustration, did I went over the limit? But really.. The thing is, I can't accept that Lisa is one of them, I'm so mad that Lisa is one of them, I can't utter how disbelief I am knowing the girl who've been with me for years, who've been like my sister, is actually one of the minority I hate.

My mentality is quite stern about this issue, I know that I'm so harsh on them but I just can't help but cringe at the thought.

I decided to go home after clearing and calming my thought. I don't see Lisa's shoes, she haven't go home yet? I peek inside her room, she's not there.. I close her bedroom door, sighing as I lean my back on it. I feel a lump of guilt in my chest. The little maknae who used to be our goofball, I have never see that kind of hurt on her face.

Did I do wrong?

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I wake up hearing a fuss outside my room, I wince as I hear the voice clearer.

"but I saw her in her room last night.."

"Her phone is off, I can't reach her.. "

"Did any of you talked with her before? "

Realizing that they are taking about Lisa, I quickly get up from my bed and rush out to the living room. Jisoo, Chaeyoung and both of our managers are talking with a serious face. They were paused when they see me, totally in a mess look, it's 11pm for god sake.. "What the occasion? " I ask them in confusion. "Lisa have been missing since we don't know, but Chaeyoung said she was up early but Lisa have already left. " My chest starting to thump at the scene of Lisa running from me after the heartbreaking conversation at 3:00am.

I remain silent, suddenly a vastful of guilt and worry attack my immune system, and I know Jisoo caught something wrong with me as she gives me a curious look. She arched one brow while intently looking at me, I know she want me to give her an explanation after this, I'm glad that she didn't tell our managers because if not, they will bombard me questions.

Jisoo drag my hand to my room as soon as our managers left from our house "Spill" I swear that her tone did send a chill on my spine, I didn't dare to look at her "What happened Jennie? This is a serious matter, we have a concert tomorrow and Lisa is not here, what if something happened to her? "

I drop my body on my bed, sitting while grabbing my hair and clenching my eyes. "I.. I don't know where to start.. " I honestly don't know if I should reveal Lisa's nature to Jisoo, I don't want her to avoid Lisa either.. "Tell me Jen.. And don't ever think that I'll budge till you spill out any words" Jisoo is really scary when she's hell serious, her voice is stern, I open my eyes slowly and sighting a tense Jisoo with a hard look, a slight frown formed on her face, and I know how a Kim Jisoo work, she's gripping her words tight, she won't leave till she get what she want.

It took me few minutes to be ready and making up my mind, I let out a long sigh and eye Jisoo after that, she have been patiently waiting for me to utter a word. "The thing is, I have a little issue with Lisa.. " she squint her eyes "And that is....? " she bends her body towards me "It's a personal matter.. " I avert my eyes from her. "Cut the crap and tell me everything Jennie, can't you see this matter is serious? Lisa is missing and you are resisting to tell your issue, and how is that going to help us to find Lisa? Her phone can't be reached, our managers has called her friends and went to the place she used to go but she is not there! Now be reasonable and spill.. "

I was taken aback by his harsh words but then revive my voice again "Okay.. Okay.. I'll spill.. " I take a deep breath and speak "Me and Lisa have a fight because.... " I paused and gulp "Unnie, please promise me that you won't tell this to anyone" she nods and I continue "Lisa revealed to me that she's into a girl.. " Jisoo frowns her brows while squinting "...and what's wrong with that? " I was shocked that Jisoo didn't actually react the way I expected her to be.

"W-well.. She likes girl.. And it's not.. You know.. It's not good.." Jisoo's expression change into amusement, I look at her curiously. "And why is that a problem? " I stare at her in disbelief "Don't you think it's wrong? " I arch my brows, she observe my expression before voicing "..oh god.. Jennie, don't say.. You're homophobic? " I huff, I hate people calling me that. "Jen.. Did you seriously confronted Lisa for her sexuality? And that's what you meant by 'fight'? " I'm in silence, I admit that I confronted her.

She shakes her head "Jennie.. You don't have the right to judge people, you don't know how much damage you put on the person, even if you disagree with the idea of being gay.. You shouldn't confront her in that way, I know you Jennie, I know how you blurt out words without thinking.. You.. Are unbelievable sometime.. " she sigh. "B-but.. "

I was trying to fight back but she cut my words again "Let's make you think Jennie.. Lisa have been struggling to hide her sexuality all this time, especially from you.. Because she knew that you dislike LGBT so much that she feel so small, but despite all the torment you gave her without you knowing, cursing things out for feeling gross over their community.. It left scars in her Jennie.. She's so fond of you and among all of us.. You're the one who own her heart........."

wait what? Jisoo's eyes widened and she immediately cup her mouth with both of her hands.

"What do you mean by that? " I watch her expression carefully she continue talking like there is nothing wrong with what she said just now. "What I meant is.. You own her heart, she always choose you before anyone.." and she pause again face palming herself, what's wrong with her, can't she make everything clear? I huff in annoyance

She seems hesitant to continue "...you were her favorite since years ago Jen, even you always tell her a harsh things, when she did great stuff for you..always cared for you, for us.. Can't you see that side of her? Her sexuality have nothing to do with her kindness, her true self, Lisa is always our Lisa.. Even her sexual preference is different from us.."

I feel a pinch on my heart as I hear Jisoo's words.. It's true, I've been always questioning her about thing she like, watching some gay movie, her favourite celeb who was I thought coincidentally gay, telling the harsh words everytime we discuss about it. Suddenly realization hit me.. Lisa words at the park hit me on my face, I feel a mountain of guilt begin to form in my chest, she always remain silent when I'm in critique about the existence of LGBT.. I understand now, why she always avoid to talk to me about that.

JISOO

Damn it! I almost slip Lisa's true feeling to Jennie! I thank god for creating Jennie's dense side when it comes to feeling. Lisa gonna kill me if she found out that her secret have been revealed to this homophobic girl. Jennie is in silence after my last words. I smile at her, this is no one fault actually, we cant control what we feel, but this is why people need to think before speaking, to gain a common sense, and Jennie just gain hers.

"Lisa.. She run from me, I did really show her the worst beast in me.. I didn't know it could come this far.. " her regretful expression softing my heart "Jen, you should learn to control it.. And it should start from your mindset, how you see the community, how you think about them.. It can change jen.. Look at me, I'm a Korean, pure Korean who have never been exposed by this community, I didn't think negatively about Lisa's sexual preference because it will never change her true self, and she prove it to us while in the meantime she's hiding part of her true self, but you.. You were in the New Zealand for a quite long time, and I assume you're not unfamiliar with them.. "

I sigh and take a sit beside her, rubbing her back in a circle motion, because now..she is begin to cry..

"Jen.. You can dislike them all  you want, but you can't confront them like that, it brings depression and could lead to suicide.. Think about Lisa's feeling, and the struggle she went through.. Try to understand her.. You can't just shoo her away after knowing her sexuality.. " I know, it's bitter for her to swallow my words, but this is for her good, Lisa's good and for Blackpink. It hurt me too to confront the way she think and act but it's just not right, she'll hurt Lisa even more.

I pull Jennie into my embrace.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

I bounce from my seat and hurriedly open Jennie's bedroom door, the loud peppering knock send me a clue that Lisa has been found. I open the door..

"Lisa is in hospital.. "

Jennie furiously stand and storm foward at Chaeyoung, her worriness appears on her face "Wh-what are you impelling.. "

"She got hit by a car....."

Jennie collapse on her knees.. Mumbling something I barely catch, but enough for me to hear..

"It's my fault.. " and she burst in tears.