32- Homophobic (Pt. 5)

JENNIE

We rush to the hospital as soon as we heard the news, my mind have been occupied by Lisa image and the guilt I'm holding, the words that I can't take back, the act that I can't rewind back.. Everything that I did, I just want to start over again. I want to stop crying but my heart have been gripped by regret since I heard the news that Lisa were hit by a car.

We arrived at the hospital, YG and our manager unnie were waiting outside the operating room. I furiously march towards them, "How's Lisa?" I ask worriedly, our manager unnie smile weakly at me before saying "It's going to be okay, Lisa lost a mass of blood, we still don't know her current condition but it will be alright" YG step toward us "It was hit and run, we haven't captured the culprit but we already ask the police to investigate about it, it's fortunate that a car pass by and saw Lisa laying beside the road.. And at that time, Lisa already lost too many blood, it's a miracle that she survived" YG explain to us with a sad face, I know he care for us even he is strict to us, he have a fatherly vibe when it comes to our problem.

"What was Lisa doing at that time by the way? Anyone know? " YG question makes my hand tremble in sudden, I purse my lips as he eyes me "I think Lisa went out for fresh air, she usually go out when she is stressed " Jisoo voice out, and I feel a relief soothing my nervous, but still the guilt keep howling in my ears. YG seems thinking, his index finger rest on his chin. "I won't allow any of you to go out at night ever again, you are only allowed to go out on a daytime and with the presence of your manager" he sternly say, eyeing the three of us, we only nods at his words.

Jisoo, me and Chaeyoung sit together after that, I feel so uneasy and worried to the point that I want to barge into the operation room, it's been more than three hours since Lisa was operated. I curl my self on the chair, bringing my head on my knees "Hey.. Don't worry, Lisa will be fine.. " Jisoo smile weakly at me "I'm scared.. " I say in a small voice "Unnie.. It's okay, don't worry.. " Chaeng pull me into a hug, and I start to sob so hard in her arm, Jisoo wraps her hand on us, we cried together.. We couldn't afford to lose Lisa.

I couldn't..

Not after what I did to her, and not before I say sorry to her.. I just want to face her, and say that I'm sorry and I won't say nasty words to her ever again. I won't bring up any of the topic again, I'll stop avoiding her and accept her as herself. God.. Can't you just punish me right now and bring Lisa back to us, because I already feel dying with the wait. The three of us cried for a long time, I'm glad that the two of them didn't throw me out even though they know I did a terrible thing to Lisa.

Brak..

The OR opened and a doctor is walking to us, we immediately stand and rush to him. He smiles weakly, I get nervous looking at his expression, panic start to possess me. "The operation went smooth, we did everything we can... "

No... Don't say..

"But her spinal cord was highly damaged and she will be paralyzed... " my heart break as soon as I heard the doctor's words "Is it temporary or permanent? " I cut him, he shakes his head "We still don't know about it, Lisa will be having a Physiotherapy after this and sad to say.. She can't perform on the stage for awhile.. "

My heart heaved at the thought and Lisa love to dance so much, so much that you can see her passion everytime she move her body. "You can go and see her after this, she've been transferred to a private ward, she hasn't wake up yet but she will after several hours, everything is fine.. Don't worry" The doctor lead us to the ward, I can't think anything but Lisa right now..

We enter the room and our angel is sleeping peacefully on the bed, her head is bandaged, her flawless face is bruised, my heart screams the pain because I'm the one who cause this to her. We waited for hours till Lisa wake up.. I didn't leave her side, I didn't..

I'm holding her hand and I feel a small movement "Lisa.. " Chaeyoung and Jisoo march toward us when they heard me, her eyes flutter, then her doe eyes slowly opened, I tighten my grip on her hand. "Wh-where am I.. " her raspy voice break the silence. "You're in a hospital.." Jisoo smile weakly "What happen to me?" She ask again, her stare is weak "You got hit by a car.. " her expression change "I-I can't feel my legs.." she begin to panic "Unnie! I can't move my legs! " her sudden realization raises her panic system. "No.. No.. " she begin to sobs, her condition is weak, yet she have to know the ugly truth right away.. She try hard to move her legs while crying, her weak state is struggling to move, we just can't say anything to her, my heart clench looking at her.

It's my fault..

"Lisa.. This is just temporary.. You'll gain your strength after this.. " jisoo try to calm her. "What if I can't unnie?" She cry, she breaks in despair.. I desperately want to hold her right now. "I can't live with this state, I'm living for my dream.. I rather die than living in this state!"

It's my fault..

Everyone is crying in the room, I just cant utter a word, this is too much for me, everything mixed up.. "This is all your fault.. " I shift my stares to her, her eyes are full with anger, blame and hatred. "This is your fault! Are you happy seeing me like this?! Are you finally happy that I receive the punishment for my sin?! Are you satisfied? This.. Is the person you despise Jennie.. I'm paralyzed, and no one gonna accept me.. God blesed you for your pure soul Jennie, now he granted your wish.. No one gonna accept me.. Ever.. Again.. "

It's my fault..

Tears fall down tremendously from my eyes, the words she uttered hit me directly to my heart, I feel like dying but the bullet won't let me. "You could've just killed me then Jennie.. Instead of avoiding me, despising me and tormenting me.. I rather die than being paralyzed for all my life.. " I stand and hug her, tight.. I sob hard on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry Lisa.. I'm so sorry.. I'm really really sorry.. " I finally get to say the words, I meant it.. The regret.. The guilt.. It's killing me.

"Damage is done Jennie.. There is nothing to be sorry for.. Just.. Go out.. " I shake my head, refusing to leave her. "Please Jennie.. Your presence is destructing me.. " She beg weakly, just like before.. When she asked me to look into her eyes, when she asked me to talk with her.. Who am I to refuse? I'm such a terrible monster, I shouldn't have done that, I should have just listen to her at that time.

I loosen my hug, slowly pulling out from her.. I sob harder, Jisoo pull me out from the room and hug me to sooth the pain, but it's not that easy.. Not by living with guilt, not when the regret haunts me every moment.

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Just like a curse....

Lisa doesn't want to see me, she doesn't want me to take care of her, she refuses my help, she doesn't even want to talk to me. She begin the therapy immediately but the struggle is real, she collapse in tears everytime she fail to walk. I want to help her so bad, but she reject my existence and I would just look her from afar, I will never leave her eventough she doesn't want me to be by her side, that's the only way for me to pay my mistake.

One day, I desperately want to see her upclose, so I ask Lisa's parents permission to look her out, and of course the only way to it is while she's asleep. Her parents agree and let me to watch her while both of her parents are away in their house.

I contemplate Lisa's features, the urge to caress her face submerging me.. I hesitantly stretch my hand to touch her face, and she didn't budge.. I caress her cheek softly with my thumb "I'm sorry.. I did a terrible thing to you.. I know you don't want to talk to me, and this is my only chance to say I'm sorry.. I regret what I did and what I said, I wish I can take it all back.. But I know it's impossible, I'm really sorry.. " Tears begin to fall to my cheek, I try to hold my sob but I just can't.. I hold her hand and cry silently.. Wishing Lisa could hear me right now, feel how much regret and guilt fill me, I ended up crying beside her while holding her hand, till finally I decide to leave.. Afraid that she'll be panicked out if she sees me.

"You can go home from today.. But you will still need to follow up and continue your therapy.." the doctor say, the three of us, Jisoo..Chaeyoung and me went to hospital earlier to see Lisa and of course, I'm standing far from them, not wanting to give uneasiness to Lisa, she smiles widely when she hear that she can go home, she resist to go back with us instead of going home with her mom..

"But Lisa.. We have a schedule to attend, who will take care of you if we aren't home? " Lisa rolls her eyes hearing Jisoo's words "I can't walk but my upper body isn't paralyzed.. Remember? I can manage thing, I just need a wheelchair.. " Lisa being the hardheaded Lisa, Jisoo sigh in defeat. "Okay.. You can go home with us, but your mom will have to be with you when we're not home.. Deal? " Lisa smiles wide, her eyes are shining.. I miss that eyes, a cheeky and mischievous Lisa always wear those eyes.

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Lisa have been giving me a cold shoulder since she's awake, I feel so hurted by her act but remembering I'm the one who cause her current state, I admit my defeat and live with it. She is being her usual self when she's with Jisoo and Chaeyoung, but me? I'm a stranger for her. I always cry bearing the pain but who am I to question Lisa's act? I hurted her for years with my stupid homophobic nature.

Am I still the Jennie who used to despise them?

I don't know yet.. But I'm sure, not for Lisa.. I miss her warmth, I really do.

LISA

Its been more than a week since I go back home, I feel fresh and more motivated but still, I'm still adapting with the struggle everytime I do thing by my ownself, like now.. Cooking! Gosh.. Even a pack of ramyeon is so hard to cook in this state. I struggle to get the ramyeon on the table when suddenly a pair of hand grabbing it for me, I look up and my breath hitched..

Jennie..

"Do you want me to cook for you? " she asks me in a soft tone, I shake my head "I can manage myself.. " I say in a cold tone, I don't know.. Why is it so hard for me to forgive her, it's not because what she did to me, but it's because why she did it.. I can see sincerity in her, but my built up wall defending me from giving the warmth that I used to give to her.

She sigh, a sad expression forms on her face. "Lisa.. Please, let me help you.. " I always lose when she gives her kitty eyes (puppy eyes 😂) "Okay.. Make it fast.. " I say before leaving the kitchen, I unconsciously smile while turning my back from her.

"Lisa.. " I was watching Netflix when Jennie appear from the kitchen. "Do you want to eat infront the TV? " she's so considerate, why not.. At least I don't have to watch her while eating, because god.. It will be so awkward. She then help me to sit on the floor, I admit her touch sends a feeling of euphoria, I feel a shiver as I touch her hand, my heart beats fast as she hold my body tight, and a longingness when her touch separated from me, that's when I realize.. I have been missing her warmth..

"Do you like it? " my attention has been fixated to her foods, damn I miss her food. I nods slightly and continue eating, it's not only ramyeon she cooked for me but she also cooked her infamous kimchi fried rice and meats. "Lisa-yah.. Make sure to finish it ..okay.." it took me my whole strength to stares back at her, she smiles and I was stunned for awhile, fuck.. I miss her.. "Why are you here?" I ask her, turning back to my food, not wanting her to see what she's doing to me. A complete nervousness.

"I don't have schedule today.. Why? Am I making you uncomfortable? I can go out and ask manager unnie to watch you instead.. " gosh this little kitten, jumping into a silly conclusion without waiting for my answer.

"Stay.. "

She was paused from standing, and slowly get back on her seat, she smiles shyly with a pinkish stain on her cheek.. Cute... She waited for me till I finished my food and help me to wash the dishes, I insist to do it by my own but she didn't give me a chance to say any word as she does everything already.

"Do you want to eat dessert? " she asks me, she's surprisingly so caring that every little thing is matter for her, I didn't want her to get near me or help me back in the hospital.. I guess I was a little too hard for her. I nod a little, and she gladly do anything for me today..

She wipes the side tips of my mouth, our proximity make me blush.. "Still a kid.. " she smiles at me, I continue eating my chocolate ice cream in silence.

"Lisa-yah.. Are you still mad at me? " I didn't answer her question, she holds both of my hands "Aren't you disgusted? " I stares at her hand, she hang down her head and shakes her head, I didn't mean to confront her but part of me want to see her reaction. "What happened to the homophobic Jennie Kim? " she shakes her head. "Nini.. Look at me.. " I demand in a soft tone and that makes her quickly look up to meet my eyes. "You don't have to force yourself.. Taking care of me because your guilt, I don't need it if in the end, you'll end up feeling gross to me.. It's okay Nini.. I accept it.. I'm okay with you not able to accept myself.. "

I'm not mad at her anymore but it still heaved me to think that she's actually a homophobic and she have to force herself to act nice to me. I feel her hand gripping tighter on mine.. "Lisa I.. "

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Jennie was saying something but someone is knocking the door, kill joy. "Wait for a minute.." she stands up and walk towards the door, I can't see who the person is because there is a wall separating the living room and the front door, there's a short hallway between it.

It's been 15 minutes, who the hell is Jennie talking with? "Stop it! I told you I'm not going with you!! " Jennie's voice echoed in our house, I instantly force myself to stand and rushly moving the wheelchair to the front door.

The sight infront of me shoot a fierce sting on my heart, Jennie is being drag forcefully by someone and she've been holding on the door refusing to go with the guy, I found myself fuming as I march my wheelchair towards them. I pull Jennie with all my strength and I manage to keep her with me by my side. The guy appear..

"Give Jennie to me.."

"Fuck off Austin.. "

A/n: plot mixing 😂 and yeah, I'm speeding the plot 2x because I don't want it to be draggy, this story will be ending soon, stay tuned. Wink!

I know I have a serious grammatical issue.. But damn, Im so lazy to edit.