35- Homophobic (Pt. 8)

LISA

Dug!

I knew it.. Jennie, won't reciprocate my feeling, eventhough she dumbly knew she's in love with me.. I knew that I will not have a chance with her, and knowing that she hates the idea of her liking me is more.....

I don't know what word suits how much ache attacking me once I heard her words.

Why?

Why?

Why is it so hard to love someone?

Love is love..

Why gender is matter?

The heart break I'm feeling is more devastating than before, knowing that your crush won't be able to give back the same feeling for you.

Tell me.. How am I going to face her when she can't even live with her feeling? I don't know if I can go on with this whole situation, I don't think I can live when my purpose of living is her.. Yes her.. That's how  big her meaning in my life, that's how deep my feeling for her.

And I know.. I can't go on anymore..

"Lisa! Open the door please.. We need to talk.." Jennie's trembling voice lingers infront my bedroom door. I shake my head while clutching my chest. "Lisa.. Please.. We need to talk.."

Enough.

"Lisa.. I don't want this, I don't want us to be like this."

Then tell me what do you want Jennie? How can we be friend with our mutual feeling? Can't you see I'm hurting?

You are hurting me.. Enough..

"Please Lisa.. Open the door.. Let's talk about this.." she begs, her knock grow weaker.. And weaker.. Till there is no more.. No more.. Just her sobs and her small cry.

Enough..

I'm tired of her, I'm tired of her mind.. I'm tired hoping and waiting.. So I let her go, if she can't set me free.. I will...

JENNIE

"Jen.. Wake up.." my head throb with pain, I scrunch my face, hearing someone voice. I wince at the shooting sunray, hitting right into my eyes. "Manager oppa have been calling, you have a schedule today.." I open my eyes slowly just to be greet by a concern Jisoo and Chaeyoung. "Unnie.. Its cold on this floor, you should go sit on the couch.." Chaeyoung speak as she helps me to stand. Right, I remember now.. I was waiting for Lisa since last night, I didn't even remember that I fell asleep infront of her room. "Li-lisa.. Where is she.." I ask them right away, Jisoo form a sad expression. "She haven't go out from her room yet, you should give her space for awhile okay?"

Jisoo assure me, but I just can't stop aching from the incident last night. I let out a long sigh and rest both of my elbows on my knees while grabbing my head down. "Here.. Drink this water first.." Chaeyoung taps my shoulder and hand me a glass of water. I can see concerns on their face "Do you guys hate me?" I ask them out of the blue and they immediately shake their heads. "What are you saying Jendeuk.. Don't think too much.. You have to focus on your photo shoot today.." Jisoo bring me in her embrace, stroking my hair, Chaeyoung in the other side is holding my hand, her eyes are welled with tears.

I'm just so lucky to have these sisters of mine, I'm the wrong one between me and Lisa but they still stood up for me. I hug both of them, gaining a slight strength to continue my day.

.

.

.

.

I went home after finishing my long period of photo shoot and interview. Despite my busy day, Lisa was in my mind all day, she would  usually accompany me to my photo shoot but today is an exception. I sigh a heavy breathe, I can't do this.. I need to clean this mess..

But at a second thought.. What mess actually?

What do you want actually Jennie? I question myself for the nth time, but I still can't find the answer, I just want Lisa and I to be okay like always.. I just want Lisa to be on my side, I just want her here.. Talking with me.. Like always.

"I'm home.." silence greet me, where is everyone? I open my phone and read Jisoo's text.. Saying that she and Chaeyoung are out for awhile.. Having date without us huh?

I peek inside Lisa's room.. She is nowhere to be seen.. Where is she? I step inside and her room is oddly neat, I roam my eyes inside and realisation hit me.. Her room is not actually neat, it's empty! Did she left?! My heart beats fast.. I look into her wardrobe and.. Empty.. She left.. My hand trembles dialing her number, I dial..and dial.. And dial.. But it keeps sending me to her mailbox.

Shit..

I'm screw..

I go inside my room and my eyes immediately catch an image of a pink envelope laying on my bed, I open it.. And as soon as I see Lisa's name on it, my tears fall automatically.

To Nini,

I know.. This is not the best way to say goodbye.. This is not a proper way to say that I'm leaving, but.. I just can't bring myself to face you, and say all of this infront of you, you may think that I'm coward.. And yes I am..

Nini.. I just want to say thank you for your effort, I know how much its hard for you to accept myself as I am.. I know how much you tried.. Knowing that you have the same feeling as me is the best thing I ever feel  in my life.. And no one can ever make me feel like you does..

But still, I need you to set me free.. I need you to let me go.. Because its not easy for me, you may think that I'm selfish to leave you just like this, but I can't live with this feeling, this feeling I can't erase with you beside me.. This feeling that you can't reciprocate.. I'm not mad at you Nini, I'm just hurt.. I understand that, loving a girl will never be in your future and your imagination.. That's why, I'm leaving for us.. So that both of us can move on..

Your Lili.

I fall on the floor, bringing the letter with Lisa's handwriting on my chest. Lisa left me.. Lisa is not here anymore.. Lisa will never come back.. I cried.. And cried.. And cried.. My chest hurt, my body trembles, my heart aches.. Its painful.. But the only thing I can do is cry.

Can I live with this unreasonable pain? I don't know either..

I spent my days without failing thinking about what happened to me and Lisa.. Without longing for her warmth and laugh.. Her disappearance didn't heal anything but adding the depth of my wound by each day passed without her news, I tried to contact her many times but fail.. She isn't active in her social media account either, I tried to contact her mom but I got nothing but a ringing sound, her whole family must have resent me.

"You should rest Jendeukie.. You have been working non stop.." I go home after midnight everyday, I make myself busy to detached my thought from Lisa.. Yes, she gave a big impact to my life. "I'm okay Kim Jisoo.. Don't worry.." Jisoo sigh and takes a sit beside me on the couch. "Jennie-yah.. This is not healthy.." she put her right hand on my shoulder, I give her a weak smile. "This is the only way.. To forget everything.." I close my eyes, tiredness is eating me as the time run. I hear Jisoo huff and that makes me smile while looking at her with a weak stares, to be honest.. I just want to end the day right now, because my eyes are dropping following my draining energy.

" You know that you have a weak body.. Yet you're pushing yourself to your limit.." Jisoo voice her concerns that send me a slight relief, at least there is someone who cares for me.. Chaeyoung also adviced me to take a full rest but I'm just that stubborn..

No..let me rephrase that..

My mind and heart are stubborn from thinking and aching for Lisa's existence..

"Jennie-yah.. Why are you being like this?" Jisoo's voice mixed with concern and disappointment, I'm sorry Jisoo unnie.. I can't control what I'm feeling.

"I hear that Jennie.. See? You're mental is damaged too, you can't even differentiate which one is talking between your mind and mouth.." I chuckles weakly hearing her words. "Oops, did I said that loud?" I turn my head to see an annoyed Kim Jisoo. "Stop with that expression unnie.. You're scaring me.. Okay.. Okay.. I'm just.." I pull myself from the couch, sitting up and taking a deep breath before continuing my words.

"I'm just.. Hurting unnie.. I can't keep up with everything, I'm aching so much.." I spill out what I feel, Jisoo's expression change into a tender one. "Jennie-yah... Why are you making everything complicated?" I frown as I hear her question, puzzled by it. "What do you mean?" I ask her "What are you doing right now actually? Are you moving on?"

I want to say yes.. But if I'm really moving on, that's not the case, I keep drowning.. I keep sinking.. From what I feel.. "You're saying it out loud again Jennie Kim.. Yah.. Are you sure you're not insane?" Jisoo laugh at me, I guess I'm already crazy from all this matter. "Listen Jendeukie.. This is already twice.. TWICE.. I helped you to sort out your feeling from the previous story.. And now, I'm helping you again.." (Chu to the rescue.. Again..lol..) "Why can't you just accept your feeling? You love Lisa and you know that.. If you really want to move on, why aren't you? You said to yourself that you can't bring yourself to move on.. And why is that actually Jennie?" Jisoo paused for a second and continue" I honestly don't want to say this but you're so dense.. Ugh! " Jisoo groan with a defeat" You want it to turn into something else.. Right? " she shoot her gaze direct to my eyes and I nod slowly" I just want Lisa.. To be with me right now.. Yet I understand that she's hurting and she need to heal.. " I say weakly.

" Exactly! And why aren't you moving on? " Jisoo raises her brows, she's right.. Why am I stopping everytime I try to move on?" Because.. " Jisoo cups my cheeks to meet her eyes" You want Lisa.. You want her.. And nothing can heal you but her.. " she whisper, I nod again.. Trying to brain and realise what I feel." You just need to accept your feeling for her Jennie.. You need to find Lisa and say it to her face about everything you feel.. " I widened my eyes, staring at her with disbelief " It's going to work.. Trust me.."

What do I want actually? I question myself again..

Lisa..

She is the answer..

I push the door bell again.. And again.. And again.. Till a silhouette appear in front of the house door.. "Jennie?!" I smile at her and bow "Aunty.."

I'm at Thailand...

Fuck.. What am I doing? This is the thing I do for love..

Eww.. Sounds so cliché..

Yet its true..

"What are you doing here my dear?" Lisa's mom rush to open the gate and immediately pull me into her embrace, warmth radiates in me, not because the heat.. But the fact that, I'm still accepted..despite what I did to her precious daughter.. I pull out from our hug moment later..

" I'm here for.. Lisa.."

She smile weakly, and bring both of my hands in hers before stroking my hair. "I'm not sure.. If Lisa is ready to see you yet my dear.." I sigh, and hang my head low. What should I do?

"But I'll try to talk to her.. Lisa is in her room, I will ask her to go downstairs.. In the moment, you can sit and wait there okay?" I smile at her thoughtful mother, gosh.. I'm so lucky that her mom is so considerate. She go inside following her mother from behind, my heart thump like it going to slip from my body anytime soon, I sit on the sofa while waiting.. Then I hear a knock from upstairs, probably Lisa's mom.. I hear her voice, not so clear but enough for me to understand that she's asking Lisa to go down stair..then.. I hear the door closed, and a footstep stepping down from the stairs.

Shit.. I'm so nervous.. I'm flooded with a cold sweat, my palm become wet.. I shift my stares to the stairs as I hear the footstep stop, meeting the big doe eyes.

"Li-Lisa.."

I stand up immediately, trying to run and crush her with a hug but my legs is froze on the floor.

Gosh I miss her..

I miss her so fucking much..

No words escape from my mouth, neither with her.. We just stares at each other, hesitating to start a conversation, I'm just scared that I will ruin everything again the moment I open my mouth.

I'm sealed up till she cracks our barricade.

"Why are you here Jennie?" her face shows no expression. "I-I.. I want to talk w-w-with you.." fuck my stuttering, she steps closer and not averting her gaze.. I feel so small and embarrassed, why am I here again? Ugh! For love..

"And what is that?" her voice turns deep and it sends a chill in my spine, I hang my head down to the floor. "Us.." I answer in a small voice. "Why? Is it not enough?" I tilt my head up, a little bit confused at her words. "Can't you get enough of our episodes? Because I'm so done with you Jennie.." gosh, her words sliced my heart with a painful sting. I lost all my words... I scripted everything that I wanted to tell her so bad.. How I longed for her existence and yearned for her disappearance." Tell me that I'm disgusting.. Tell me how gross you are to this person who tried to protect you all these time, who makes herself look so stupid to believe that.. You could.. Actually see my heart, and reciprocates my feeling.."

Her voice cracks..

"You think.. Finding me here wil change everything?!" her voice raised up and I was flinched by it, I can't never adjust myself to face her rage, even though I know I deserve it. "Lalisa..calm down.. Don't talk to Jennie like that.." Lisa's mom interrupt the tensed atmosphere..

"Shut up mom! You don't know how much I'm hurting.. I lost my dream, because of her, and then she appear just to crush it once again.. What did I think all this time? Do you know what this dumb self thought about climbing one more time? I WANT TO HEAL BECAUSE OF JENNIE KIM, BECAUSE SHE BRAVELY FACE HER FEAR FOR ME, BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I WANT TO PROVE IT TO HER THAT I'M WORTHY FOR HER.. but guess what? "she pause, her eyes are teary and without realising I'm sealed with sobs.. My heart tear apart listening to her words.

Those are the words she hide from me, that I should have listen weeks ago.. At the time she heard my conversation with Jisoo..

I didn't know that it hurts like hell.. She stabs me.. Again.. And again.. Like I could die in a moment.. Maybe, this is what she felt then, and I deserve all of this. "Lisa! Don't be rude!" Lisa's mom tug her hand but I can see her anger already posses her. "I hate you Jennie Kim.. I don't want to see your face ever again! You hurt me.. Hurt me so much for years.. Hurt me so much that I lost my hope.. You lied to yourself, you said you're not a homophobic but look at yourself.. You can't even accept your feeling for me.. You were disgusted by the idea of dating this fool girl.. "

I want to say that she is wrong but I can't.. I'm too embarrassed and now I realise.. I'm not in the place to beg her apologies, because I don't even deserve it.. I put her in pain that I don't even know if I'm at her place, will I able to survive?

"Just get out from here Jennie.. I don't think I can face you.." she turns her body around, leaving me.. My heart is screaming her name but I just can't make my mouth opened.

Because I realise..

I'm the one who destroyed her dream..

I'm the one who destroyed her heart..

And why am I here again?

I don't even know anymore..

I guess.. I don't deserve a happy ending..

A/n: Angst!! Hahahha.. First of all, I'm sorry that I kept you waiting.. I have just finish my exam and I have just finish sorting everything for my long semester break..

Second.. Im sorry that this chapter is not fluffy.. I promise the next one will be the end of this short story and I hope I can update shortly after this.

Thirdly.. Thank you for your support.. I've just realised that this book have many readers, and you guys sent lot of love for it.  I didn't really thought that this book can reach 5k readers, but to my surprise.. It nearly 70k reads.. like.. Oh jisoos.. I'm so blessed.. Love you guys❤️