36- Homophobic (Pt. 9)

(It's a loonggg chap so bear with it)

"I'm sorry about Lisa's behaviour Jennie.. I'm sure, she doesn't mean it.." I couldn't help myself but cry, and didn't think twice to give back the hug that Lisa's mom is giving me, because I really need it right now. "I'm sorry.. I'm really really really sorry.." I cried my heart out, drenching my tears on her shoulder. "No dear.. Please stop blaming yourself.. Lisa is at fault too.. I know that you must be here for a reason, and a good one.. But she was driven by her emotion that she didn't even heard you out.." she rubs my back to sooth me.

After a long minutes, I pull out from the hug and gives her a weak smile. "How can you be so beautiful even after crying?" I chuckles at her words "You're just like Lisa.. You both are cheeky.." my voice is hoarse from crying so much. "Well I'm her mother.." she bring up her hands to wipe my tears away, my heart feel lighter at her mom's warm treatment. "Where are you staying Jennie?" she asks me after I recollect myself. "At hotel.." I answer her, Lisa's mother smiles warmly at me. "If you need anything, just call me okay.." she taps my back "But you didn't answer my call" I pout as I recall how many time I tried to reach her, she forms a guilty expression before saying "Oh dear.. I'm sorry for that, its just.. Lisa didn't want me to pick up your call..."

I nod weakly, understanding the reason. Lisa's mom called a cab for me, I'm just grateful that at least she doesn't hate me. "Thank you for everything.. And I'm sorry for everything.." I was stepping out from their gate but she stops me again "Jennie, how long are you going to stay?" right.. I didn't think about it..

I ask my manager where Lisa is right after my conversation with Jisoo, she didn't want to tell me but I beg her for god how long.. And the moment she told me, I put everything on hiatus.

And now I don't even know what to do after my encounter with Lisa..

I honestly want to stop from doing everything right now..

I booked my flight ticket to Thailand, I went here without anyone, its just me.. I'm sure.. YG must really mad at me, but none of my sense are functioning after determining to put everything about me and lisa into a piece. But I was wrong.. Definitely wrong.. I can't always get what I want..

I slump my body on the bed as soon as I arrived at the hotel I'm staying. Massaging my temple as I recall everything, Lisa's voice haunting my mind, her expression and words press the depth of my physical limit. It tires me somehow..

The impact of her, is hurting me.. My body feel so weak as my head throbs, I guess migraine has over controlled me, my eyes can't seems to lift the weight of tears anymore, but here I am again.. Crying.. I know I need rest, but my mind wander at the scene, howling in my ears how spiteful I was to Lisa and here is my Karma..

This Karma of mine..

Is indeed a bitch..

It got the best of me.

I decided to tell Jisoo everything, at least someone care.. And Jisoo was always with me, eventhough I'm at my worst.

"Hello unnie.." my raspy voice greets her and her voice in the other line sounds concerned. "Jennie! What happened? Are you okay? What with that voice?!" I smile hearing her voice, already imagining her funny face. "I'm okay unnie.. Just tired.. Tired of everything.." silence cover her, I know she guessed what happened. "I failed unnie.. I didn't even get to say everything that I want to say.. I.." I broke into a weeping woman again, Jisoo in the other line let me devour my wail with silence. I tell her everything that happened to me, including Lisa's words to me.. Then I hear her sigh.." Well.. I don't want to point out who's wrong or take any side but.. Lisa should have let you speak, you even went to Thailand just to meet her.. But thinking back what she have been through, she must have been so depressed and stressed out.. Its not easy to overcome her situation.. " she pauses for awhile before continuing." She didn't meant that Jennie.. We all know she is a soft hearted girl.. "

I heard this from Lisa's mom too but still, it doesn't convinced me." Everyone have a limit unnie, maybe Lisa has reached her limit.. And the result is hatred.." Jisoo is speechless at my words, realizing the truth in my words." So.. What are you going to do now?" I let out a long sigh before speaking "I thought this for awhile.. And I.." I close my eyes, swallowing the bitterness in my following words "... And I need to let everything go.. Even without a fight, even before the battle begin.. My own battle.."

"Unnie.." I hear Chaeyoung's cracking voice in the other line, I chuckles at her paper heart, crying is her talent, that's why I don't want to burden Chaeyoung with my problem because she will worry more. "Aigoo.. Did our Chipmunk listen to unnie all this time?" I try to joke around "Aish..unnie.." she whines hearing my words, then Jisoo interrupt "Jennie-yah.. You have a weak body, no one is there to take care of you.. Just go back to Korea, arasseo? You can continue your hiatus in here.."

I admit that my stamina grew weaker since I have this horrible matter playing in my mind everyday, I guess what they said is true, being so emotionally broken can lead to a weakening immune system. I have a serious migraine lately due to my overthinking and I feel soulless every single day, no motivation but I force my body to keep everything tucked in a place.

"Unnie.. Jisoo unnie is right, go back to Korea okay?" I smiles at their warm caring side "Arasseo.. I'm coming back tomorrow.."

And that's when I made my mind.. I already lost.. No need to continue this thing I do for love..

Cliché..

But ironically not a happy ending..

The next day, I wake up with an extreme dizziness.. My head throbs with pain.. And it is throbbing so hard that I can feel the bulge of my veins are popping out from my temple. I push myself.. But I guess this is just my limit, as soon as I step out from the hotel's lobby, everything went blank..

Dark..

Its Hurt..

Dark..

Its Painful..

LISA

"Lisa!"

I'm still in my deep slumber when I hear a peppering knock on my bedroom door, with a multiple 'Lisa' between it.

"Open the door Lalisa!"

I get freshened when I hear my mom's panicked voice, something is wrong.. I immediately jump from my bed and open the door, my mom expression show a great worriness. "What's wrong?" I ask her. "Jennie was admitted into hospital, she fainted this morning!" my eyes widened, this is not a joke right?

"Lisa! Hurry up, we are going to hospital..." I'm still standing on my place, watching intently at my mom. "This is not a game Lalisa.. I got a call from the hospital just now saying that Jennie has been sent to hospital in this morning, she fainted at the hotel lobby.." my mom shows me the number that called her, my heart beats faster looking at it. Panicking over the news, I immidiately put on my hoodie mask and hat, not wanting to cause any commotion if people see me.

We arrived at the hospital less than 45 minutes, I gasped when I see Jennie laying weak on a bed.. My heart aches at the sight of her pale skin, sleeping deeply like an angel. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder from behind. "Ms. Manoban?" I shift my head to see the person and its a doctor, young female wearing a big round glasses and holding a file. I smile at her "I'm here to Inform about Ms. Kim condition" I nod and turn my body to her, nervous filling my body, hoping that its not something serious.

The young doctor chuckles at my serious expression "Don't worry Ms. Manoban.. Its not something serious.. She fainted due to stress and exhaustion.. So it's better for her to have a full rest in a few days.. She should wake up soon, don't worry.. " I feel much relief after hearing the news, I let out a sigh, why it should be like this Jennie? I know that she have a weak body.. She must have push herself. A lump of guilt start to grow in me, I have said nasty words to her.. Aish.. Why did I do that? I look at the sleeping girl, stepping closer and take a sit beside her, I caress her cheeks, my hand shivers at the contact of her cold skin.. Moment after, I rest my hand in hers, continuing to contemplate her flawless face, her soft feature have never fail to mesmerise me.

I miss you Jennie..

"Lisa.. Have you tell the girls about Jennie?" my mom appear after awhile. I shake my head and sigh.. Jisoo and Chaeng must be worried sick at Jennie, just after that.. We hear a ringing sound inside Jennie's bag that placed on the table, I quickly take her phone out and see Jisoo's name calling." Hello?.. Jennie-yah.. Where are you? We are now at the airport waiting for you.." Jisoo sounds so worried and I feel guilty that I didn't took care of Jennie for them.

"Unnie.." I call her name and a pause occur in the other line "Lisa?!" realizing that it's my voice, her high pitch voice send a ringing in my ears. "Who? Lisa?!" I hear Chaeng call my name and a rushing footstep towards Jisoo. "Yah! Lalisa!! Did something happened to Jennie?" Jisoo asks furiously. "She passed out at the hotel lobby in this morning.. The doctor said, it was a result from exhaustion, nothing serious.." I say trying hard not to concern the two girl in the other line, then I hear both of them sigh. "We told her not to push herself.." Jisoo mumbles low. I just can't utter a word since I feel guilty for treating her bad yesterday.

"Yah.. Lisa.. I know you are mad at Jennie but please, do this favor for us.. Keep aside your emotion and take care of her till she regain her energy.." Jisoo is half begging and I feel bad about it, Jennie must have told them about yesterday. "Yes Unnie.. Don't worry, I will take care of her.." I convince them, there is no way I'm gonna abandon that petite mandu of us. ".. And Lisa? Try to at least hear Jennie out for a bit after this, she went there alone... And was taking hiatus from everything for awhile.. I know, you went through a lot.. But.. Jennie went through a lot too.. She have been working non-stop to run from the mess, but I convinced her to face you instead.. I didn't know that it will turn out like this.. " a sound of regret evident in her voice, I just.. I don't know what to say." I'll try unnie.. " that's all I can offer because I'm not convinced at my own self either.. I end up the call, sighing deep.

Can I really do that? I don't want to hurt her again, I'm not sure if I can control my emotion around her..

Its true that I was so hurt by her, and it affect me so much. Thats why I decided to leave Korea, I told the company that I will continue my therapy in Thailand and they allowed me, I didn't cut my contract although I did have a thought to end it up.. The space and distance that I created for myself did heal me little by little.. But when I see Jennie in front of me, my emotion get the best of me, everything suppressed in me.. Those things I haven't tell her flow out like a water but contrastly burn Jennie in the most painful way.

I feel lighter.. But weighted by the fact that.. I hurt Jennie.. Am I a fool to still care about the person who I love the most but hurt me to the point that I lost my physical ability, I lost my dream, I lost my hope, made my heart broke in the most awful way, made me taste the bitterness of my real self..

Am I fool?

I bet everyone is fool when it comes to love..

"Mom? Can you give me a favour?" I'm doing this so I'm not breaking my wall for her, so I'm not going to lose myself from craving her, so I'm not going to fail.. Trying to erase all this feeling for her.. I'm sorry Jennie.. This is the only way for me to heal both of us.

" Take care of Jennie for me.."

JENNIE

My eyes feel so heavy, its like something is weighting over them. Then I feel a touch on my hand.. "Jennie?" someone is calling my name, I open my eyes slowly and found out that I'm not in my room, where am I? "Jennie? Can you here me?" the voice sounds familiar, my eyes are half opened but still.. I recognize the person.

Lisa's mom.

My eyes flutter to open, and I'm greeted by her mom's warm smile. "You're finally awake.." I realize that I'm at a hospital, then the flashback of my falling body, collided on the hotel's lobby floor rushes making my eyes widened to the fact that I missed my flight that supposed to be hours ago. "Oh my god.. I missed my flight.." I mumble low then Lisa's mom brings my hands in hers "Dear.. You need to have a full rest before going back to Korea, Jisoo informed me about how you've been lacking sleep and always return home late." I sigh.. And nod, admitting that my body have been pushed to it limits. I guess I have no choice then.. Lisa's mom is so eager to have me in their home, I don't mind resting there..

But Lisa might not like my presence..

" But Lisa.. " I was cut off by her mom before I can finish my sentence. "Believe me Jennie, Lisa was the one who asked me to bring you to our house, she said it's better for you to receive a good care so you can regain your fully health" my heart skip a beat hearing what her mom said, did Lisa really meant it? She still cares for me. I'm so touched at Lisa's soft side, I really don't deserve her.

I was discharged after the doctor said that my condition is already stable though my head is still hurt, Lisa's mom drive us to their house, I can't help but wonder where Lisa is.. Did she intended to avoid me? I sigh.. I can't blame her.. "I'm sorry Jennie, but Lisa was out to see doctor for her therapy.. She'll be back soon, let's go upstairs.." I nod without letting out any words hearing Lisa's mom words.

I stayed in one of their guest room, I won't lie but I really hope that I can meet Lisa but she's nowhere to be found, I'm here for two days already but I didn't even see her shadow, I didn't questions her mom, pretending to be fine about it.. But it's okay, and again.. I can't blame her.. Her mom treated me like I'm their family, so loving just like her daughter.

"I'm leaving tomorrow.." I say to Lisa's mom during breakfast, and she immediately forms a weak smile. "Hm.. I really wish that you can stay longer.." I chuckles a bit, I really enjoyed my time talking with her, she is a natural loving, kind hearted and funny mother.. I'm not lying that I forgot that I'm living in the same roof as Lisa whenever I talk with her. " I wish I can stay longer too.. But.." how can I stay here when my intention was to meet Lisa and reconcile with her, but all I get is a broken heart. She didn't even heard me out.. "It's okay.. I understand Jennie.." Lisa's mom speak after I was paused for seconds, I look into her eyes and I can see her genuine stares, saying that.. Its okay to forget.. Saying that.. Its okay to let go.. I can only give her a smile.

We chatted for hours, I helped her with her mini garden, cooked with her and went out for a shopping.. She said that she want me to have a good memories here in Thailand, and yes.. I did have..

But still..

I wished that we were with Lisa..

Its starting to rain really hard during night, I wanted to tell Lisa's mom that I'm really afraid of thunder.. But I don't want to embarassed myself, how can a 23 years old girl still scared of thunder. I went to bed, praying that the rain and storm could stop really soon.. The sounds of the heavy rain, the fierce light of the lightning, the bombing sound from the thunder really disturb me. I shut my eyes tightly.. Sitting oj the bed while hiding inside the blanket, my whole body trembles at the impact..

I start to count.. Just like how I used to do since I was child.

1

2

3

4

5

And I feel a touch on my back, rubbing me lightly.. The familiar scent start to lurks inside my nostrils, and again a loud sound from the thunder makes me flinch so hard.. I curl myself more, then I feel the person shift her body in front of me.. "It's okay.. I'm here.."

I have been missing this voice for a quite long time.. Her tender and soothing voice..

Its Lisa..

She drags my body closer to her and shut both of my ears with her hands, her body heat radiate warmth in me.. She leans her forehead against mine, my clutch on the bed sheet begin to loosen as I feel more secured, even behind this blanket, in this cold and dark room.. I feel safe in her arms. My trembling hands slowly find its way to hold Lisa's wrists.

"I'm scared.."

I say in my small voice, a little shaky and almost in whisper..

"I'm here.. Don't be scared.."

She wraps her hands around me, the blanket slips from me and for the first time after a long time.. I'm seeing the same Lisa who was always with me through thick and thin, protecting me and caring me, seeing the same Lisa who is soft and gentle.. My home..

I didnt waste my time to find a safe place in her embrace.. Hiding my face deep in her chest.. With her hands wrapping my whole body..

"Don't leave me Lisa.. Please stay.."

I wait for her to reply..

"I'm not going to leave and I will stay.."

LISA

My chest feel heavy..

Its hot..

My eyes flutter to open, and I find a sleeping angel beside me or more accurate.. On me, snoring lightly peacefully. I curl a small smile while stroking her hair.. What happened last night was.. So unexpected.. I swore to myself that I shouldn't go to her, no matter what happen.. But knowing that Jennie have been always scared to thunder and heavy rain.. My vision start to picture her crying and trembling in the middle of the night, I just can't resist that to happen, and I was right.. My heart soften as I see the petite girl was curled inside the blanket.

I was going to get up from bed, I peck her forehead, trying to untangle myself from her.. "I thought you're not going to leave.." I froze immediately as I hear her small raspy voice. Her wraps tighten around me and her face buried deeper in my chest, if that even possible. I tilt my head down to see her face.. Gosh, her face glows as the sun rays hit her face perfectly. "Just stay.." she mumbles low as her eyes closed..and I let my action answer her, I stayed and let her hold me.. How can I resist a sexy kitten on a bed in this cold morning?

She is the spell I can't unbind..

Not in this state..

Not when her body fit perfectly between my arms..

"Jennie dear.. Are you awake?

And that's the cue.. Ugh.. Its my mom, Jennie stirr as my mom knocks a few times, and I'm froze on my place. " Jen-" both Jennie and I flinched as the bedroom opened and looking at my mom, her mouth agaped as she caught us.. On this state.. Jennie who just realised everything separate us in instant, she cup her face with both of her hands, red stain visible on her mandu cheeks.

"Oops.. Did I disturbed something?" my mom's expression changed into a smirk and I rolls my eyes in annoyance. "I'm sorry dear.. I know you're both in the middle of your sweet cuddle but your flight is in three hours..". "Ah.. Yeah.. Right.." Jennie fix her dishevelled hair, her eyes shut tight. "I leave you two for now and.. Lisa.. Wait for Jennie okay? It's not good to leave our guest when you haven't see her for days.." and she left with a winks.

So..Jennie is leaving today.. My heart heaved at the news.

"So.. You're heading back to Korea today?" I crack the silence, the long pause after my mom close the bedroom door bring awkwardness between Jennie and me. Before she catches my glance, I avert my eyes from her, not wanting her to see through me, the slight hope of her staying. " Yes.. " she responds short, gosh I have never feel more awkward than this. "W-will you.. Accompany me to the airport?" she ask softly, almost inaudible. Maybe doubting that I'll accept her invitation.

I'm done running.. Running from past and the hurt that already became scars.. What is there more to heal? Hurting each other will just cause a lifetime wound. " Yes.. Of course I will.." I curl a small smile.

Moving forward, facing everything.. That's my choice, looking at Jennie.. Who bravely face her regret and guilt, I should take the same path.

.

.

.

.

We arrived at the airport after convincing my mom that I will be the one who drive Jennie to get there. I park the car a far from the entrance, not wanting to be recognised. I was putting on my hat and mask when I see Jennie doesn't budge. "Hey.. Are you okay?" I put my hand on her shoulder, she quickly shakes her head, looking down and fiddles her fingers. "Lisa.. I.." she heads up to meet my stares, those feline eyes have never failed to make me forget how to beat normally.

She let out a small sigh. "I'm sorry.. For everything.." she let out a shaky voice, weighting the words, I guess..because after that, she can't look me in the eyes anymore, her head tilted down a bit. I'm in silence, not because I ignore her, but because I'm waiting her to say the thing that she wanted to say. Maybe this is not a bad time at all. I wait.. And wait.. But there is no words come out from her, is she scared of me? I look through her, she's in curl.. In the corner of silence. This is not the Jennie Kim I know.

That when I decide..

I pull her in my embrace.. "I'm sorry too Nini.." she immediately reciprocates the warmth I offer her, then her body sobs lightly and her eyes start to damp my neck. She clutch on my shirt like I'm her life line.. After minutes of crying, she pull out and flash a small smile as I hold both of her cheek, wiping the stain of her tears in it. "Thank you for visiting me.. I wished that you can stay longer.." I gently rub her cheeks, looking at her dearly in the eyes.

I know.. I can't resist her.. Not without breaking more..

Not without hurting more..

Silence engulf us for seconds and everything went so fast when I was caught off guard..

Jennie kiss me.. Her lips planted on me lightly, I was in dazed.. My eyes widened, my heart beats erraticly, is this real? And I was snap right away when she press our lips more...

This is real..

I can't see any logical cause to this, but one thing I'm certain.. I love this, the way jennie's soft lips on mine, her gentle features glow by the light, her closed eyes.. Savouring the taste of our pressed lips. I take no time as I start to close my eyes too, giving back the same tenderness of the kiss, her hands snake around my neck as I start to move my lips.

Gosh..

I feel like floating..

Our tender kiss change into a make out session as we begin to crave more of the exotic taste we've never know we longed.. I nibble her bottom lip and a small moan escapes from her, I take the chance to glide my tounge in her mouth.. Finding the owner.. And it doesn't take a second for me to find it as her tongue meet mine, I pull her closer to me.. Her hands locks into my hair tightly, both of us completely lose ourselves.

As bad as I want it to last, it's impossible not to catch a breath. We pull out just to rest our forehead against each other, panting.. I open my eyes slowly, and the feline eyes meet mine, half lidded, flush cheeks.. Heavy breath.. Sexy...

"What was that?" I ask her in a low voice, it came out like a whisper as my breath is still finding the stability.

"The things that I wanted to say to you.."

Her words send a thud in me, and again.. Is this real? I stay silent, contemplating her face to see any doubt on it.. But no, I can't see anything but a loving and a genuine smile.. My heart flutter that I almost can't handle it.. It could explodes.

" Say it.." I look into her eyes deeper, wanting her to admit.. Not just with her action, but also the three words, the core of our feeling.

"I love you Lisa"

And that's all I need to hear.. I smile widely before pulling her in my embrace again, I just can't describe how much happiness is stroking inside me.

"I love you too Jennie.." I kiss her forehead deeply. "Will you go back to Korea?" she ask me softly and I answer with a nod. "Promise?" I smile and nod again. "Please.. Don't make me wait that long.. I miss you.." she says.. Acting all shy.. My heart flutter at the sight.

"I will not.. I promise.."

An: There is one more chap, the epilogue😌. Pardon the grammatical error.. I'm just lazy to edit.