𝟶𝟺𝟾: 𝙱𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙾𝚏 𝙰𝚗 𝙴𝚗𝚍

How long has it been?

Since my last concert, I mean. I clearly remember passing out that night, so I probably don't even need an answer for that.

I'm fully awake now... I think.

I remember the little me, the one who was so afraid of disapproval and cried myself to sleep from my throbbing wrists.

Sometimes, I can still see him in the mirror. Only for a second, but I can still feel it.

It hurt so much.

But what could I do to fight back? I was nothing but a child. A weak one, at that.

And what happens when you set that child up to a concert?

He messes up. He freezes. He does everything but the one thing you asked him to do.

He doesn't play.

I didn't hear the end of it that night. After that, all I could remember was the sleepless nights and sobbing if my mother weren't in the same room as me. She was the one who defended me.

That was possibly the worst night in my life. I can't get over it.. even now, I still get scared of him, just remembering how much he raised his voice.

Unfortunately, that week, she was overseas. I forgot what she was doing, but all I could remember was suffering without anyone to comfort me. My brothers were too busy to acknowledge me.

I rarely had nightmares before that. But then it's like it happened every night after that. It was the same dream over and over again, to the point I got used to it.

I had finally learned there was nothing I could do. It was over for me before it even started.

Honestly, back when I was taking lessons from Father, all I could remember was going through so much of his painful methods and scoldings to the point that I just stopped reacting. Of course, that made him think it was fine.

The first time he lashed out at me for wanting to visit Tsukasa and Saki outside of performing, I was too scared to ever ask again.

I didn't want to upset my father anymore. I didn't want him to stress out any longer because of me. I heard my parents talking about how I stopped talking...

But I couldn't help developing this.

"Mr. And Mrs. Aoyagi, due to these results, your son has a communication disorder. Now, there are some methods to make it better, but due to it being so extreme, it's going to take a while for it to go away completely."

Those words really made someone snap in my father. It's as if it was my fault.

How can you blame your child you traumatized? And trying to cover it up, how low can you get?

"Toya never hangs out with anyone. He never even participates in gym class, either."

"He's lucky, but I heard he's mute. Isn't that so weird?"

It's not my fault. Why should you take it out on me? Why not the cause?

Is this my punishment?

But this is just how it was destined to be. That was how my life was written out to be from the start, and I've accepted that. This has always been my fate.

No matter what happened or will happen, if you removed the collar that's wrapped around my neck...

.. I wouldn't run away.

Until I met him that day. Oh, how I hate him. He made me realize I could rebel from my father's ways.

He was the one who opened my eyes.

Akito Shinonome, you are a bad influence. I despise you. I really hope you never show me that light I've longed for again.

Even if I want to feel the warmth of his embrace, just one last time.

No. He doesn't care about you, Toya..!

Why.. why?! Why did I run away that day?! I hate this! I don't want to live a life that isn't mine! I..!

"Are you sure you're okay? You don't look like it." Tobia worries. I had been lost in thought again. I move his hand away, fixing and tidying up my outfit. This is really too much.

"I'm okay. I was just feeling under the weather yesterday, please don't worry about me." I assure him, walking past him to go into the car. You better not faint again, Toya. This one event defines what you will be in the future.

What you.. choose to be.

"Okay. Good luck. I'm sorry we didn't tell you that your solo was coming up first." He bows.

Yeah, that's fine. Not telling me that I'm going to be the center of attention first and the one that stands out the most.

That's completely okay.

That was sarcasm. I'm pissed.

I just got out of a rough scolding by my father for being unwell.

It is my fault, after all. I had been neglecting my health, so no wonder he thought I was just trying to get out of performing.

I'll be okay.

... I'm done fighting. There's no reason left for me to resist.

I give up.

-*-*-

I help the workers lay out the decorations and everything, seeing the outside. Woah.. the sky looks so beautiful. And the ocean underneath it.

This was all for me. In celebration of me going onto the path of becoming a classical musician. I can finally be like Yasunori and Tobia.

I heard Otori's brother will be attending as well, though. They really do love each other. Now all I have to do is welcome guests.

I went outside, praying they're going to be late.

But as if a savior, Tobia ended up showing up first and allowed me to just go inside and relax in the break room I was given.

It has a sofa and everything.

But for some reason, this just puts me even more on the edge. As I was passing by, I saw the huge stage with the piano in the center.

Today really is the day.

I owe everybody a huge apology, but unfortunately, for some of them, I won't get to.

I'll be fine though, this is probably the last time I'm going to be able to see a group of people ever again.

This is nothing new.

But when I was a kid, I wish I knew it was the last time.

The door opens, and I sit up, seeing who it is. In that moment, my heart dropped.

"Toya, you're going up in half an hour. Be ready. Don't disappear this time." My father frowns, entering for a second then leaving.

I'm scared. I can't breathe. Why does it always feel like I've lost my voice around him? Why is it always him?

Am I.. scared of my father?

For some reason, I was standing up. There was no point in that since I immediately just fell back to the floor, completely defeated.

I bring my hands to my face, shaking as much as my breath is. I feel crushed.

This time, I really can't get up from the floor.

But this all just feels so.. nostalgic.

By myself, in a large room, crying by myself. I can't help it if I'm getting worse. I can't help it if I'm starting to hate the thought and sound of a piano!

I'm scared of going outside again. It's happening all over. It's coming back.

Now, it feels like the end of the world. Or, rather, my world.

I need to get back out there. I look at myself in the mirror and see the person that had clearly been crying given how red his eyes are.

I splash my face with water, leaning on the sink and gritting my teeth. Why am I still so weak?

I have to be stronger than this. Than that man gives me credit for.

I shake my head, putting on my glasses and opening the door. Oh, crap. I forgot how big of a place this is.

How many people are there?! I'm glad this room is on the second floor, but there's still people coming in?! Since the first floor is full, they have no choice but to go up... I get to the stairs, running down.

"I heard Harumichi's son is going back to following his footsteps."

"Poor kid..."

"As he should! I also heard that before this, he wanted to go run off with some low lives!"

"Toya Aoyagi has such a bright future now."

I have never felt so empty in my life, actually. I've lost all worth in me.

Why are they all talking about me? I manage to squeeze through some people without recognizing me and avoid those who do.

Where is Mother? She said she was going to be here soon, but there was traffic. I can't do this...

Someone grabs my arm, and I turn around to them. It's Tobia.

I thought he was outside greeting the guests? So that probably means Yasunori showed up.

"You need to be up there right now. Father says." He holds my wrist and leads me over to it.

"Excuse me. Pardon me." He says left in right. I don't want to do this alone, but I have to. It's not like I was given a choice, anyway.

I climb up the steps behind the curtain. My father taps my back and tells me to wait until he's finished speaking.

I nod, watching him step onstage.

"Welcome, everyone. I'm pleased you all were able to attend this ceremony. This is a very special event since today is the day my youngest son chooses to restart his life to become an aspiring musician, just like the rest of the Aoyagi family." He says. Did you not just yell at me three hours ago? Why are you acting like that?

Restart my life..?

"He is sure to bring honor to his name, once and for all."

I look in the audience and notice someone. What the hell? Is that..

Kutabare..?

Why is he here? I thought it was him to tell me to do this, but I didn't think he'd actually show up. Is he here to watch me?

"Boo!" Someone says behind me, scaring me to the point I feel my soul leave my body.

"Oh, dang it! Toya, wake up!" My mother shakes me, trying to get me awake.

"Unfortunately, my wife was unable to make it here to express her gratitude."

Luckily, my father is still preaching about how much of a disgrace I was before I came crawling back, basically.

"You're going to be okay, right?" She asks. I hope so.

Why does everyone keep asking me that? When have I not been?

"Please, give an applause for my son, Toya Aoyagi, who will be playing his first solo in years."

'My son,'

That's the first time you've ever said that, announcing me so proudly. Those are the words I wanted to hear so badly when I was a child.

Then why...

Why do I feel nothing?

I'm too scared to step outside. I clench onto the curtains, frozen in place. I don't want to go.

I can't move again. Damn it, legs, work! Please!

"Toya?" She asks, waiting for me to get up there.

"I don't think you're in a state where you should be going up there. Toya, you--" My mother puts her hand on my forehead, but I move her hand away, fixing my hair again.

He looks behind, staring at me and giving me the 'hurry up' look. The people in the audience begin to whisper, and I grow even more afraid.

"You're not doing well. Here, let's delay it, and--" Yasunori attempts to walk past me, but I stop him as well.

And like an idiot, I push myself past my limit yet again and force myself to take the first step. Not taking a deep breath or anything, I walk next to my dad and put on a straight face.

One that doesn't show any weakness or pain. The one I've been using my whole life.

They begin to clap, and I look around to examine the people here. Who are they? I've never met any of them in my life.

I can't.. even see their faces. Something's not right.

What's.. wrong?

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝟺𝟾, '𝙱𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙾𝚏 𝙰𝚗 𝙴𝚗𝚍': 𝚎𝚗𝚍.

-*-*-

Creator's note: all of the chapters are coming out yaaaayyy!!!