Chapter 25

We walk through camp in silence and it's only until we reach the gates that she speaks up. "Where are we going?" she asks me curiously.

"It's a surprise," I say coyly. "Trust me."

A solider at the gate opens it up without question and offers me a torch which I take graciously. He opens the heavy gates and we walk through. Claire eyes me skeptically and I can't help but to laugh lightly. "You're going to like it," I say before adding, "I hope so anyways."

She smirks and gives a shrug. "Lead the way I suppose."

I take her by the hand, interlocking her fingers with my own and begin to lead her down the trodden road. "Is this okay?" I ask, giving her bony fingers a squeeze.

She nods. "I'll admit it makes me a little nervous but I like it," she says. An owl gives a hoot somewhere above us in the trees.

"Nervous, huh?" I say perplexed. "How come?" I've made women nervous before in the past, but that was usually due to my social stature. Claire could care less about my title.

Her small shoulders raise slightly as she searches for an answer. "Probably just the nun in me," she retorts lightly. "I'm still not used to physical contact."

I look over at her and adjust the rolled up blanket in my free hand. "I can let go if you'd prefer?"

She lets out a light laugh and pulls me in closer. "No it's okay. I haven't broken any of my vows by simply holding your hand."

"What exactly are your vows?" I ask, curiously.

She wets her lips before speaking and allows me to navigate us around a puddle of mud before answering. "We take a vow of chastity, poverty, and obedience. We can never know a man, be married, or have children. We can own no riches and the little money we do acquire we usually give to those that have less."

I give my head a nod, trying no to let my mind linger on the former vow she mentioned. "What about obedience? You have to do what anyone tells you?"

She purses her lips and gives her head a simple shake. "Not exactly. More so what God commands and what Father Anthony tells us, or whichever Father will lead us at our church."

"And what of a prince?" I ask, not quite comfortable with calling myself a king yet.

Claire laughs lightly, filling the night air with it's sweet sound. "Princes fall under that category yes. But I think if they met you and your brothers they might have to rewrite that rule to exclude you three," she teases and I join in her laughter.

We then walk in a comfortable silence for a few more minutes until she speaks up again. "Are you sure it's safe for us to be out here like this? Given Rory and all," she asks. The light from the torch casts a warm glow on her face and onto the pine trees around us.

"It is. The Bulgins won't be out here combing the woods tonight, there would be no purpose," I say trying to assure her. "They're probably doing the same as us being good little soldiers," I lie With the courtesans being there I'd bet my last coin that Lugos and his men are either enjoying their last night at camp and will be until the sun comes up.

Recognizing where we are, I then pull her behind me off of the road and begin to lead her into the forest.

"Where are we going?!" she whispers loudly, squeezing my bicep anxiously. "Aren't there animals out here that can hurt us? I noticed that you don't have a weapon."

I exhale amused and continue to pull her behind me, holding up a fall limb for her to walk under. "There's a spot I'm looking for that's around here. Just trust me."

She gives a stubborn huff but says nothing and I pull her in even closer. Fireflies begin to appear signaling that we are close. Their green abdomens flash sporadically and from the corner of my eye I see Claire attempt to catch one. "Have you ever seen one before?" I ask her.

"Not this close," she answers back with a giggle as her fingers ensnare one. "They're quite fascinating little creatures, aren't they?"

"Mhm," I agree. In the low light of the torch I see that the trees thin out before us making a small clearing. "We're here," I say as we step through the treeline. The pale moonlight softly illuminates the grassy meadow as crickets sing their songs. I look over at her and tilt my head towards the clearing, beckoning her to follow me. When we are in the center I release her hand, jam the torch into the soft soil, and unravel the blanket for us to sit on. She does without question and sits down giddily. I join her, lounging lazily across from her remove my satchel. I then rummage through the contents pulling out two candles, the blueberries I collected earlier, a worn leather book filled with poetry from unnamed authors, and a bag of lemon candies I brought from Paevia. It isn't much, but for a war camp I'd say it wasn't half bad.

"I figured we could look at the stars and maybe read some poetry if you'd like," I explain with a shrug as I light the candles, now overthinking my idea. Was it too much? Stealing a glance from her I see that she is staring at me, a soft smile on her face. "What?"

She keeps her eyes on mine before shaking her head once. "This is probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has done for me. Thank you," she says.

A grin creeps it's way onto my lips but I say nothing and quickly finish setting up. When I'm done, I offer her a blueberry before sitting the pile down. "I picked them this morning."

She takes it and pops it into her mouth. "Mmmm," she hums before grabbing a few more. "What are those?" she points with a finger.

Looking down at the lemon drops, I swipe one up and place it on my tongue. "Believe it or not they are my favorite sweets. I always make sure to travel with them if I can," I answer.

She picks one up and examines it in the low light before giving it a sniff. "A lemon drop? Don't they have these all over?" she asks before throwing it back along with a blueberry.

I shrug. "I'm sure they do but these are from George who owns the sweet shop back home. He makes them with not only fresh lemons but a secret ingredient," I reply.

Claire rolls her eyes at this. "Oh yeah? What's that?"

A bite down on the hard candy and a sweet goo fills my mouth. "Honey. Not only does he use it as a base but he fills the inside with it too. You'll see."

She crunches down on her drop and gives a nod of approval. "Wow. I'd probably lose all my teeth if I lived in Paevia with these things." I laugh lightly and turn, laying on my back to look at the stars. The sky is mostly clear with little clouds to block the view of the millions of stars that shine above. Claire follows suit laying down and nestling close enough to where our shoulders are touching. When she gives a perplexed sigh I look over at her. "What are you thinking about?"

She gives her head a shake and I turn my gaze back at the sky. "All of this," she says throwing her hand up. "It's no wonder why girls fall for you so easily. Not only do you have good looks but you do things like this for them," she answers.

Giving a chuckle I straighten my bent knees and cross them at the ankle. "I'll have you know that I've never gone to this extent for a woman that I have no expectations of.

Her brows pull together, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

Clicking my teeth, I debate if I should explain fearing of making things uncomfortable. "Well," I begin as I search for the right words. "Typically if I were to spend time like this with a woman, we both know already expect how the night is going to end." When she says nothing, I get the feeling like she doesn't quite understand. "With sex, I mean. I've never put in an effort knowing that the night will end innocently---which is completely okay of course." Great, now I look like I only have one thing on my mind.

"Oh," she says softly. I then try to rake my brain for something to make it sound like it is a good with but she speaks up taking me off guard. "If we were in normal circumstances and I had never taken my vows would you...well, would our night be ending that way?"

I feel my eyes widen surprised. Looking over at her I see she chews her bottom lip anxiously as she waits for my answer. Suppressing my smile I shrug a shoulder, bumping her arm. "Depends. Would you still be the same sweet and innocent Claire?"

She smirks. "I suppose."

"Then no," I answer simply. "It's not that I wouldn't want to--believe me I would. But you are virtuous and I'd feel guilty if I took advantage of you in that way. And by advantage I mean using my wit to get you in my bed and praying on your naivety when it comes to men. You're better than that," I explain. And she was. If we were back in Paevia she'd be one of the most sought out girls and not because of her looks.

"Hm." She takes a moment to respond as she reflects on my words before saying anything. "But you would want to, yes?"

Chuckling I nod my head. "Yes, I would."

She gives a soft smile and glances at me briefly before looking back up at the night sky. "Okay. Sorry to ask, but it's nice to know one is desired I suppose. Especially by the likes of you."

I cock a brow. "Should a nun such as yourself be thinking of such things?" I tease.

She exhales slowly and I feel the air between us change as the topic becomes more serious. "No. I'll have to make sure I seek forgiveness later."

Not sure what to say, I try to stay on topic but make light of it. "I appreciate what you and the others did for the men. I hope it brings them peace tomorrow," I say as I toss a few blueberries into my mouth.

"Yes," she sighs. "Tomorrow."

We gaze at the stars for a while enjoying each others company in silence with I pick up a sniffle coming from Claire. Propping myself up on my elbows I quickly look over at her."Are you...are you crying? What's wrong?"

She quickly wipes her face and tilts her head to the side trying to hide. "I'll be fine. I'm just thinking," she says.

Pursing my lips I lay a hand on her arm and give it a gently squeeze. "You can talk to me you know."

Swallowing hard, she gives a shrug and finally looks at me before wicking away more moisture. "I'm just afraid. Afraid of the outcome. Of the losses that will happen," she says, letting her eyes linger on my own. "Of the thought of you dying. I'm also saddened by the pain that this war will bring on everyone. I suppose as a woman you always envision these things taking place but having experienced your camp first hand..." she trails. "I struggle with the idea of what is to come in the next twenty four hours."

"Hmm" I hum, knowing first hand how she feels. "I know I can't offer much comfort, but we have confidence that we will win," I say, leaving out the part that it will be by the hairs on our chin.

"How did last night go? With saving Rory I mean?" I asks, changing the subject once again.

Sighing, I release my hold on her arm and lay back down. I then tell her of what happened, including the part where we ran into Shadrach in the woods. When I get to the part of Samantha, I waiver and debate if I should exclude these details before deciding to mention her as well, even how they know of her and Beth Ann's presence at camp. When I finish she remains silent and I get a feeling that it was probably best to leave that out.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all of that," I apologize. "Have I upset you?"

Giving her head a shake she reaches for a lemon drop and pops it in her mouth. "No. Just taking all of the information in. Are you okay? I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to see Samantha again or to hear what she told you," she asks, referring to how I was rightfully blamed for this war.

I smile softly at her kindness. "Yeah I'm okay. She spoke the truth so there's nothing I can really say about it."

"I see..." she trails. "Well the past is the past and you can only focus on the future. Specifically tomorrow," she jokes, trying to make light of the situation for my benefit. I give a grin. "How about we talk of happier things. Tell me how on earth you knew where you were taking me tonight?"

Chuckling I give a shrug and eat a few more blueberries. "Well believe it or not when we first arrived to where camp is now we stumbled upon a large patch of mushrooms. Thinking it would be a good snack, many of us picked them and ate them raw while James prepared a soup of them. The seemed safe enough to eat," I say with a shrug. "Come to find out they were the kind to cause you to hallucinate. For hours we wandered around giggling like children and took in the nature around us. Me, Gale, and Warren found ourselves here in this meadow and laid on our backs watching the clouds roll by. It was quite something."

She looks at me with wide eyes, somewhat intrigued. "Sounds like sorcery. What happened next?"

"Well we threw up a few times and just had to ride it out. When we felt normal enough we headed back to camp and cleaned out the rest of the patch, giving it to James. He's holding onto them though I don't know what for."

"I've heard of people taking herbs and having similar experiences. Is it like being drunk?" she asks, eating the last few blueberries.

I give a shrug before quickly point out a star as it flies across the sky. "Did you see that?" I ask. She gives a joyful nod and I continue. "Yes and no. Being drunk gives you the idea that you can do anything and not get hurt--at least it's like that for me. You tend to do stupid things and not think about it's consequences. Thinks look a little blurry too and sometimes if you indulge too much you lose your memory of what happened. With these things were more colorful and...wavy? Trees slowly swayed when they weren't really moving. It made our bodies feel light like a feather as well. We weren't really thinking of consequences to our actions though, either. Rory thought he could catch a skunk and make it a pet and it sprayed him."

At this she bursts into laughter and gives her head a shake. "You all are a mess," she says before sighing. "How am I supposed to say goodbye to you tomorrow?"

Looking over at her I see she wipes away a single tear. Leaning over I quickly brush it away with my thumb. "Don't think about that. It'll be okay."

"But what if it isn't?" she whispers sharply.

Not knowing what I could say to assure her, I bend down and place a gentle kiss on her lips hoping it would provide comfort. When I go to pull away her hands wrap around my neck and she holds me in place before deepening the kiss. Surprised I open my eyes and see another tear glistens as it falls down her cheek and I'm saddened. "Claire," I try to protest but it comes out muffled as her lips explore mine hungrily. Giving in, I decide to allow her this moment. It's not that I don't enjoy her kissing me, but she only does so out of fear of losing me. Closing my eyes I snake my fingers into her hair and continue to kiss her and taking in how sweet she tastes. I edge my way on top of her and carry most of my weight on my elbows. With each breath we take I feel her breasts brush against my chest and I find myself wondering what they look like. When I feel a disturbance in my trousers I tear my head away and roll over breathless. "I'm sorry," I pant, feeling both depraved and embarrassed. I quickly cover myself with my hands. Can I really not control myself?

"Was that?" she pants, looking down. Before I can respond she lets out a clear laugh.

"Yeah yeah yeah," I retort lightly, relieved that she finds the situation amusing rather than being disgusted by me. "I'm a man after all," I grumble, which only solicits more laughter from her.

"I'm sorry, you're right. It's not funny," she says, biting her bottom lip in an attempt to contain herself.

"Anyways," I say, adjusting myself down below. "What I was trying to tell you before you put your hands all over me was-" I begin though I'm cut off with a playful slap to the arm from Claire. "Was that you should have more faith in me. I've been in a handful of wars and I'm not proud to admit it, but I've killed countless of men. I'm still here today aren't I? That should attest to something."

She sighs and scoots closer to me and rests her head on my sternum. My fingers automatically find reach for a strand of her auburn hair and I begin to fiddle with a soft lock mindlessly. "If it attests to anything i'd say luck. I do not doubt you can handle yourself with a sword--I've seen it firsthand myself. But each time odds are that one day you'll slip up or not be as strong as you used to," she explains before apologizing. "Sorry, I shouldn't say such things, especially tonight."

I give a shrug. "It's okay. You're probably right."

For a while we lay like this, each lost in our own thoughts. What will happen "after" is a question that surfaces often. There is a moment where I begin to question why go through all this effort tonight just to drop her of at the doorsteps of her new abbey? Why set us up for heartbreak? Because it's worth it, I suppose. Chewing the inside of my cheek, I repeat this to myself over and over again as if it were a mantra. But after a while it's still not enough to keep the sadness at bay knowing I'll only have her in my life for a few more weeks until she's gone forever.

"Do you really plan on going back with Father Anthony?" I blurt out, regretting it immediately. It's not my concern and sure as hell not my place.

I feel Claire's head bob up and down against my chest. "I do. It's all I've really ever known. And as much as I have enjoyed my time with you I cannot turn my back on my faith," she says softly. "Without out it I wouldn't know who I am."

"Okay," is all I say. I feel a hint of anger as her answer sinks in and I know I am wrong for it. "Well we should probably head back," I say and tap her shoulder signaling for her to get up. She doesn't protest and offers help with packing everything up though I turn it down. Once I do, she stands there with her arms behind her back, periodically glancing into the tree line.

As I sling my satchel over my shoulder and relight the torch she lets out an audible exhale. "Is something wrong?" she asks, tilting her head slightly.

I give a curt shake of my head. "Nope. Just tired," I deadpan. Knowing I am wrong for acting this way, I offer her my hand as if it will somehow fix things. "Ready to go?"

She eyes my outstretched hand before taking it quietly. Together we head back to camp slowly in silence though this time, it is not welcomed. There is tension in the air between us and I'm the root of the problem, yet my pride will not allow me to address it. When the torches from camp come into view I begin to panic as I think of ways to fix things. Should I let her know how I feel? That if I were given the chance I'd want her to return home with me to Paevia and....and what? Live in the lower districts for me to visit every once in a while? No. That if I were given the opportunity, I'd take her as a wife and we'd live happily ever after? Hell no. You can't just say that sort of stuff to people, especially when they have made it clear that they have no intentions of being a part of your future. Perhaps I'll just have to accept that the time we have shared together is all we will ever have.

When her fingers find their way into my hand again it's only then that I realize I must have let go at some point.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks while tugging on my arm to stop us from walking. "And don't say nothing. I can tell by the look on your face that something is bothering you."

Looking down at her I give a smirk. "Okay. How about nothing of importance?" I offer.

Her eyebrows furrow together and she looks hurt. "I assumed that we are good enough friends that we can talk about our feelings. Was I wrong?"

Frowning, I look back at our encampment in the distance and rub the back of my neck. "I'll be fine, Claire," I insist. When I go to take a step she places a small hand on my chest and I look down as if questioning it. I am reminded of the younger version of myself, the one where I could give a rat's ass feelings and even less about expressing them. That Thomas would have laughed in her face, mocked her even but I am no longer him.

"I'm not letting you leave without talking to me about it," she states as she crosses her arms over her chest. "It's possibly our last night together and I don't want to leave on these terms."

Pressing my lips together, I give my head a shake. "Nothing I say will change things and I'd rather just leave it all unsaid." That way--if something were to happen to me tomorrow--Claire wouldn't have to live her life wondering "what if" or "what could have been" as I would if our places were reversed. Letting my thoughts known would only muddle the situation even further.

She looks up at me hard, her eyes searching for answers. "Try me," she insists. Instead of responding, I clench my jaw refusing to speak.

Pursing her lips, she takes my free hand in her down and gently traces her thumb over my veins. "I think I know," she says softly. Looking back up, she meets my gaze. "If things were different I'd go back with you and make a home in Paevia. Who knows, perhaps even seek a life with you," she says, and I see her eyes begin to water once more. "But that is not the life that was chosen for me--the life I have chosen for myself. You of all people should know the weight an oath or vow carries. You've made one to your men and your people to serve and protect them, just as I've made on to God. I don't expect you to understand completely, but enough to know how important it is to me."

When I open my mouth to speak, she cuts me off with a slight shake of her head. "I don't know what your intentions were tonight by bringing me out here but I'm sorry if I have disappointed y-" she says, but I refuse to hear what she was going to say.

Jerking my head back I remove my hand from hers. "I only wanted to give us one last good memory in case I die tomorrow--nothing more. Not to try to bed you, or to persuade you to come back with me. I wanted to avoid this conversation to try and avoid looking foolish but it seems that you already see me that way."

Hurt flashes across her face. "That is not true," she protests. "I was only saying-" she begins, but I step forward angrily.

"Saying what Claire? That you think I'm the sort of man that would lure a woman into the woods and be sweet to her in hopes that she will sleep with me? As if I ever needed to try so hard in the first place? Women lift up their skirts simply because of my last name. I'd never go through such an effort as I have for you if that was my intentions," I state loudly. My blood burns at the thought that she would have even insinuated such a thing. "I've treated you the way I have because I want to and because you are worth it. You deserve to be treated kindly and as if you are the most precious woman on this planet because in my eyes, you are."

She bites her bottom lip and looks away, quickly wiping a tear away.

"Can't you see that?" I ask rhetorically. "I care deeply for you. So much so that I would never put you in a situation where you have to choose between me and your faith. Do I want you to return with me? Yes. Does the thought of me having to marry someone that isn't even remotely similar to you kill me? Yes," I say, giving my head a simple shake. "But alas here we are, having the conversation I wanted to avoid and things still being the same."

Claire swallows hard and folds her arms across her chest, cradling herself in her arms. "That isn't what I meant," she mutters. "And you're free to make your own choices."

Chewing the inside of my cheek I look away from her and focus my gaze on the torches in the distance at camp. I see the figures of a few men stand guard at the gates and wonder if they can hear us. "Am I?" I ask and look back at her. "Are you?" I ask, inclining my head towards her. "The way I see it neither of us are." She blinks at me, saying nothing. Sighing, I take my thumb and gently wipe away another tear as it slides down her reddened cheek. "I apologize for getting angry at you, I know you meant well."

She gives a shrug, refusing to meet my eye. "It's okay. I forget my place sometimes."

Narrowing my eyes, I reach for her chin and tilt her face up towards me, forcing her look at me before quietly saying, "Your place should be by my side. 'Tis a shame that it won't be." I then lean in and brush my lips against hers briefly before pulling away in an attempt to keep it nothing but innocent.

Her blue eyes well up again and she nods. "I'm sorry, Thomas," she says back. Exhaling softly, I pull her into my chest. Her arms immediately wrap around my torso and she begins to weep silently To comfort her I stroke her hair and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. We stand like this for a long time, neither wanting to be the first to pull away. Because if we do, that's it--we will have to go back to camp, hope sleep finds us during the night, and say our goodbyes in the morning.

It's Claire who is the first to pull away, and when she does her eyes are puffy and red. "How do I look?" she asks, cracking a smile.

Taking her hand I twirl her around."Oh honey..." I say, shaking my head teasingly. "I've seen sows that would make it further in a beauty contest."

Her mouth falls agape and she snatches her hand from mine before playfully pushing me backwards. "Is that how your mother raised you to talk to women?" she asks, cocking a brow.

Grinning, I mimic the snorting of a pig and we fall into a round of laughter. "Come on, you" I say and corral her with an arm draped over her shoulders. We continue the walk back to camp and greet the men at the gates. Nodding my head I bid them goodnight and remind them to switch shifts soon so that they too can get some rest. As we walk back to my quarters I notice the loud silence in the air. Aside from the low conversations that come from a few still huddled around fires or snores as I pass tents, there is an eerie stillness that lingers.

That is until we pass by Rory's tent and we hear a symphony of animalistic grunts and satisfied moans that would make a sailor blush.

"Sounds like Beth Ann is making the most of their last night together," Claire says coyly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

I give a chuckle. "Aye. Worse than rabbits those two." I'm tempted to tell my brother to get some sleep, but who am I to interrupt their bliss? I extinguish my torch in a nearby barrel and give my head a shake.

When we arrive to my quarters I go to turn to Claire and ask if she would like to stay but before I can speak she brushes past me and ducks inside. Smirking, I push upon the canvas and follow suit. As I unload my satchel Claire kicks off her shoes and climbs into my bed, scooting over to make room for me.

Raising a brow, I place my hands on my hips. "Are you sure it's okay that you share my bed? I don't want you to have to keep asking your God for forgiveness on my behalf," I ask.

She yawns and gives a shrug. "There's nothing in the Bible that states two people can't innocently sleep next to one another," she states matter-o-factly.

"Ah huh," I say, slipping off my shirt. I ball it up and toss it in the corner with the rest of my dirty clothing before bending down and begin unlacing my boots. "Sounds like to me like a way around one of your rules...a sin, as you call it." The word feels foreign to me as it leaves my mouth.

Claire's full lips turn downwards into a frown. "I can sleep in my tent tonight if you'd prefer. I didn't mean..." she trails and sits up.

My head jerks in her direction and I quickly shake it "No please stay, I was just trying to be funny."

"Really?" she asks, chewing the inside of her cheek.

Smirking, I take my boots off and walk over to her "I think God understands the need of company the night before war, Claire. And besides, I'll keep my hands to myself though I cannot promise the same of my lips."

She giggles and rolls her eyes, laying back down. Gripping my blanket I pull it back and join her. Immediately she scoots close to me over my arm and lays her head on my chest, nestling in. It feels so natural to have her here with me and I debate on telling her that though I refrain. What good would it do? For what I feel is the hundredth time tonight, I tell myself that nothing will change.

She lets out a yawn and I feel her muscles relax. "I'm going to pretend that tonight is just like any other night," she says sleepily. "In the morning, I'll help James prepare breakfast while you get an extra hour of sleep. We eat together and you join me as we forage. You steal a kiss from me before you go off to your meeting with Morgan and your generals and I don't see you again until supper," she says, her words painting a picture of normalcy. "I may even join you as you set snares, or watch as you train with your men."

"Sounds like the perfect day," I say, trying to conceal my sadness.

"Will you hum a lullaby while I fall asleep?" she asks, lifting her head to meet my gaze. Those blue eyes of hers are once again filled with tears that threaten to spill over. Unable to tell her no, I give a nod. I've never been any good at singing and I hardly know any lullabies, just the bawdy tunes belted out at taverns. Too inappropriate, I rack my brain for something else and settle on a song my mother used to sing to Crispin when he was a toddler.

Taking a breath, I begin to hum the tune softly and trace my fingers over Claire's shoulder and engrave the way her soft skin feels into my memory. If I lay dying tomorrow on that field, my final thoughts will be of this moment...how sweet her lips are...how–

I have to control my thoughts in fear of becoming aroused again and turn my focus on the song and of my mother. Claire reminds me of her in many ways, their gentle hearts, their meekness, the spark of fire that surfaces every now and then. Closing my eyes, I repeat the tune over and over again and I hear a soft snore escape from Claire. A half-smile finds it's way to my lips and I hum the tune through one final time before sleep finds me as well.