ch.3

the last couple of days kinda just flew by. chrismas passed, i went home to my mom and siblings. it was nice to see them, we haven't met in months. now i'm home (home like our home with jake) but i haven't talked to jake recently. my wintertime depression hit me hard and i've been sleeping all day, been up all night so we haven't really met. he was sleeping when i was up.

now it's 7am and i've been up all night playing games on my pc. i pause the game and start walking to the kitchen for a dr pepper. jake is in there pouring cereal in a bowl.

"you up early" he says after giving me a smile. "long time no see"

"yeah i haven't slept yet" a tell him.

"your sleep schedule is fucked up johnnie" he says. no shit. "i wanted to talk with you so many times but all you do is sleep during the day" he explains and grabs another bowl and starts pouring cereal for me too.

"i'm not hungry jake" i say but he ignores.

"i know you are not eating when i don't tell you to" shakes his head "like have you even ate the past couple of days?"

"yeah... i ate gummies" i say while he hands me the bowl. i sigh and sit down with him to eat. "what do you wanted to talk about?" i ask.

"tara is planning a new years party. she asked us to go" he says. his relationship with tara is getting better, they stayed friends after the breakup and i think it's pretty cool that they still care for eachother. "do you want to?"

"sound good to me" i say. i'm not in the mood for parties but it's better than being home alone. "wanna do something today?"

"i was planning on goint to the gym" he says. "but if you want i can stay home with you"

"no need" a say while i put my bowl in the sink. "i will go to sleep then".

"okay, good night johnnie" he says and i can't help but to think how sweet he is. i start walking to my room. i'm thinking about me and jake. our differences. he is so handsome, he is tall and he is fit (he is literally going to the gym right now). i look average on my better days, i am short and skinny. i couldn't grow any muscle not even if i wanted to. even if jake wasn't straight he wouldn't want anything from me. i start crying and eventually hitting my wall, which has cracks now. after that i just sit on the floor and cry having a panic attack. i slowly crawl to my desk and open the lowest drawer which has a little box in it, full of blades. i'm still crying while i take my jeans off. a start cutting my thighs. i never cut my wrists... well one time i did, when i wanted to end my life. but if i just want to hurt myself a little i don't like cutting my wrists because i don't want people to see my scars. the thighs are safe because i never wear shorts so nobody can see 'em. after i did some cuts i start to calm down, so i drag myself into the bathroom to take a shower and to bind my wounds. when i finished these things i go back to my room and lie down, but i can't fall asleep. i feel like i'm gonna have a panic attack again so i don't care how pathetic will i look but i'm gonna call jake. he has been gone for about an hour and a half. i start calling him.

"hey johnnie! is everything okay?" he asks with a happy voice.

"no jakey, not really" i answer. my voice breaks. "i'm not on the top mentally and to be honest i miss you and a kinda need you right now" i explain feeling pathetic.

"i'm going home" he says and ends the call.

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i have so many ideas with this story I'M SO EXCITED

27/1/2024