ch.9

my body feels numb. jake acted so affectionate towards me in the last couple of days that i thought... that i thought maybe he feels kind of the same way i do? i feel like an idiot right now. i just watch them kiss for a few seconds, then i start running back to the guest room. they definietly heard my steps because jake starts yelling after me.

"johnnie wait" he says. i don't listen to him, i only stop when i arrive to the room and lock the door. "johnnie" he says in a worried voice.

"what is his problem?" tara asks, she came to the door too.

"this is a bit complicated" jake tells her. "we should leave him alone for some time... i guess." he says and i hear footsteps going back to the kitchen. they are going back to the kitchen to make out while i am crying in the guest room - i think and i kinda chuckle a bit on my own pity for myself.

minutes pass and i just sit on the floor. i can't even think anymore. like what is my problem? they were together for almost five years and i never felt that way... i guess jake seemed so out of reach that time, but since they broke up he has been so caring and loving. maybe i thought that something was going on between us. but now i know that it's definietly nothing. after a few more minutes a hear a gentle knock on the door.

"johnnie" jake says.

"i don't want to talk right now" i say and a try to sound as calm as possible.

"okay... i found your phone in the bathroom. i will leave it here" he says and a thank him. i wait until a hear him sigh and leave. after that i open the door and grab my phone from to floor. i have a new message.

jakey: "please do not hurt yourself."

me: "why would i? im okay" - i answer.

jakey: "ok. tell me when you r ready to leave"

i put down my phone. i don't even know what i'm doing right now. i act kind of like a little child. i want to leave this house but i don't want to talk to tara or jake. i lie down and try to nap a little but my brain is ticking and i can't fall asleep no matter how hard i try.

me: "where is tara?" i ask jake in a message.

jakey: "she isnt home. she went on a walk with sugar" - he tells me. sugar is tara's dog. i feel a little better now that i know that tara is not here. i put my phone in my pocket and unlock the door. jake is sitting in the kitchen his head is on the counter and his hands are in his hair, pulling it a little. he does this when he is anxious.

"hi" i say, my voice cracks. he looks up and his eyes seem tired.

"hey johnnie. ready to go home?" he asks and i nod. "okay, come on then."

we go out and sit in jake's car. he seems confused and sad. i don't know what to say and i can tell that he doesn't know either. so we just sit kinda quiet while he starts driving us to our home.

"i am sorry" he is the one who breaks the silence.

"for what?" i ask.

"for... i don't know. kissing tara" he answers biting his lips.

"no, it's okay. you can do whatever you want, you are an adult" i say and i try to play it cool. i am telling the truth tho.

"yeah i guess..."

"are you... are you guys a couple again?" i ask and my heart is pounding. i'm scared.

"no... i don't really know what was that at tara's... we talked about it while you were in the room. i don't want to be with her anymore. i'm kinda questioning everything about my lovelife right now."

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2024.2.7.