Between Desire and Denial: Chapter 42

I tried to listen. I tried to lay low and keep my mouth shut for the first night. Dimitri and I didn’t indulge in anything other than him holding me close and me snuggling against him as my thoughts turned and turned.

He was quiet next to me, like he knew now wasn’t the time to argue about what we’d kept from each other or talk about the large diamond elephant in the room.

He held me, like the unwavering rock of support that he was. Like the man I needed. Like my person. Like the love of my life.

I still woke the next morning feeling as if I hadn’t slept at all. My stomach was a mess with nerves, my body jittery from wanting to do something to help. I was trying to listen. I really was. Yet, this involved my family. My brother. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach that morning, so much so that I reached for my phone and texted him.

Me: I know what Dad said. But we need to talk, Knox.

Me: Please call me back.

Me: Please.

There were dots that showed up on the screen, but then they stopped. Our relationship had just started to mend, so I didn’t know how much more I should push. I also didn’t know how deep into it he was, if he would listen to reason.

Without him answering, there was nothing I could do, so I tried to focus on other things. I wrote out my thesis and stared at what I’d done. Suddenly, my degree didn’t feel so important. Suddenly, I knew I was going to be here in Paradise Grove where I belonged anyway.

Sometimes, even when life feels like a complete mess, the path you’ve been searching for makes itself known through the storm of chaos. I sent my thesis in, pulling everything I’d previously written about the syndicate, and chose a deliberate path. It was one where I protected my home and my family.

Lucille had booked a blow out for that morning and it was the perfect thing for me to do while I waited to hear from Jameson or Knox.

“I’m walking to the salon,” I announced on my way out after putting on my black maxi dress.

“I’ll walk you there.” Dimitri immediately closed his laptop like he was ready to keep me wrapped in his bubble for all of time.

“No. I’m fine. You’re going to have to let me take care of myself, Dimitri.” I shook my head at him.

“Or I could just walk you,” he suggested again. “If I don’t, I’ll be pulling you up on the damn cameras.”

“That’s a complete waste of time.” I rolled my eyes at him but felt butterflies in my stomach at the way he wanted to watch over me. He got up from the couch and packed up his laptop in a briefcase. “It’s just a walk for me, Honeybee.”

He wouldn’t take no for an answer and even held my hand the whole way. This was supposed to be normal, something we’d been doing for a while, but somehow it felt more intimate, more real, and more magical all at the same time.

He kissed me in front of the spa when we got there and murmured, “I’m going to stop at the drugstore next door, then I’ll be sitting at the park across the street. Call me when you’re ready to go.”

Minutes later, I was set up to give Lucille a blowout. She sat down and asked, “How’s Dimitri? See he’s out there keeping watch.”

“He’s been a bit overly protective, but fine.” I didn’t divulge anything else to her, but I saw how she narrowed her eyes.

“I’d think you’d be thankful a man was doting on you so much,” I heard from about ten feet away. I hadn’t noticed Melly sitting in Madi’s chair, and she was glaring at me now.

“What?” I knew today wasn’t the day I should listen to her. My brother hadn’t called, a migraine was growing by the minute, which meant stress must have been the culprit, and I was worried about the syndicate. I didn’t need my high school bully adding to all that.

And it probably wasn’t good that Lucille grumbled under her breath, “Be prickly. The girl needs a lesson.”

I understood I was different than her, that I didn’t have my life as together as she did, didn’t make all the right moves right away, and that she thought she was better than me because of it. But she had no right to talk down to me.

“I said you should be happy Dimitri treats you that way. I mean, at least someone is interested in you.” She stared at me, her beautiful blue eyes lined perfectly in makeup, the lashes feathering out as if she’d spent hours coating them.

I felt my eyes well with tears, which was silly. She meant nothing to me. Why was I so emotional about it all of a sudden? Lucille patted my hand quickly and shook her head slightly at me as if she was telling me not to give in. And Zen walked by and nudged my back as if to push me to keep going. I blurted out the next question. “Are you insinuating that he shouldn’t be?”

She sighed and looked at her nails. “Olive, when are you going to learn you’ve never belonged here really. This is an upscale community, and Dimitri is taking it to the next level. You’re not exactly on par. You and I both know that. Everyone does. That’s why you left. Why you should leave again.”

I think maybe Lucille had talked me up about cacti too much. Or maybe I really hadn’t had enough sleep. And then she tilted her head toward the hair dye.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. But just because I left doesn’t mean I wasn’t a part of Paradise Grove, Melly. And now I’m back with the man I’ll marry, and we’ll likely settle here.” I said the words fast, but I didn’t stutter or trip over them. They felt good, right, and they settled in my soul even as I tried to keep a lid on my emotions. The fury in me raged now. She’d crossed lines before, but this, at my job, in front of friends, was too much.

“Zen, what color are you doing in Melly’s hair today?” Lucille asked and when Zen looked over, Lucille winked at her. Zen looked at me and lifted her eyebrows.

I shouldn’t have nodded. I was basically giving permission. Yet, these people encouraged me to be over-the-top for once, and I was taking the opportunity.

“Same as always,” Zen said as she combed through her precious chestnut brown hair and went about dying her roots.

I told her how wonderful she’d look when she was done. She rolled her eyes at me like she couldn’t be bothered to talk to me anymore. Lucille and I watched as Zen put the black temporary dye in her hair and spun Melly away from the mirror so that she wouldn’t be able to see as she typed away on her phone. She made sure to get every strand too.

“You’re all set,” I whispered to Lucille just as Zen murmured to Melly that they could go wash out the dye.

“Not set until I get to see that little brat’s face.”

As Zen walked Melly back to her seat, she said, “You know, Melly, not all of us were sure we’d fit in here. I’m sure Olive felt the same.”

“Yes, well, that’s all I mean by it. She gets it.” Melly laughed and rolled her eyes, still looking at her phone.

Didn’t she realize no one here fit in perfectly? We were all shapes jamming ourselves into the wrong indentations. The problem was she was so judgmental that we kept trying to do it. “You’re of course right. This community is so lucky to have you.”

And then Madi turned to me and asked, “Can you just blow dry her quick? I need to make a call.”

Melly smirked at the idea of me having to work on her hair, but I did so with joy. I wanted to be the one to spin her in the chair and see the look on her face up close.

It was wrong of me to smile now. To even start giggling under the sound of the blow dryer. She wasn’t paying attention to me though. I was just the help pretty much. She didn’t care if I was staying at Dimitri’s house either. In her mind, she’d steal him away sooner or later. She’d wear down my confidence enough that I’d leave.

Except being in this town had built me back up in a way I hadn’t realized I needed.

I turned the chair and smiled at her. “Voila, Melly. I hope you enjoy the color. It suits your soul.”

Her scream was brutal, like she was dying. I didn’t expect her to do much more than that. Yet, I’m pretty sure when Dimitri and the rest of the town got to the salon after hearing the screaming, we were on the floor, fighting.

Lucille was cheering me on with the delicate gold-rimmed china teacup we’d given her to sip out of. And then when Dimitri rushed forward to grab me, she said, “Melly deserved it.”

Melly scrambled to her feet and brushed off her outfit as I tried to right my sweater even though Dimitri had me in his arms. “You’re a classless wannabe, Olive,” she spit out.

“Watch it,” Dimitri said in a low voice.

“Dimitri!” Melly whined and immediately tears sprouted in her eyes. “She did this to me. My hair! You don’t want to be with someone like that.”

Dimitri started backing out of the salon as I wiggled in his arms. “Oh, I’m already with her. I intend to have children with her, fight with her, experience her explosions with her. I’m all in … with her. Don’t forget it.”

With that, he carried me out of the salon while I whacked at his back. “Let me go. I don’t need anyone to fight my battles. And I’m not letting her push me into pools anymore.” The rage flowing through me was doing the perfect job of it instead.

“Do I even want to know?” he asked as he hiked me higher up on to his shoulder.

“Can you please put me down?”

“Not happening, Honeybee. You’ve got some explaining to do. What happened to just going to work? Want to talk about that?”

“Well, I try to keep my emotions at bay, but we all have a temper,” I admitted through clenched teeth. I knew this was a bit outrageous, even I could confess to that. “I’m stressed. I might be getting a migraine. There’s way too much going on.”

“You don’t say?” He sighed. I couldn’t see whether or not he was mad, but I felt his muscles tighten under my waist. Trying to wiggle out of his grip hadn’t helped, but maybe if I rolled just the right way, I could fall into the grass and save some of my dignity.

Yet, when I shoved up on his back and cranked my body that way, his arm tightened around my legs and his other hand landed loudly and firmly on my ass.

I gasped at him spanking me. “Are you kidding right now?”

“Stop trying to outmaneuver me. It won’t happen.”

“Just let me down. Everyone is looking at us.”

“Everyone’s already heard about you at the salon. There’s no getting around that. So, me walking you back to our place is the least of our problems.”

And it really, truly was. When we got there, he still didn’t put me down. He walked me all the way to our bedroom and then said, “Take a shower. Cool off.”

And he left me in there like I was a child being scolded by her parents and told to think about her actions.

After showering, I pulled on a sweater and was about to sit down to practice a bit of calligraphy when I heard a loud bang. Immediately, I jumped and ran to the window to see what was wrong.

The whole house shook with the pounding, and when I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, I ran down the stairs and whipped open the front door.

“What on earth are you doing?” I stared at him with a freaking tool belt on. Dimitri Hardy. The most eligible bachelor I’d ever seen, swinging away at the floorboards of the porch like he couldn’t afford a construction crew.

“You complained about a floorboard creaking on here.”

“No. Jameson mentioned … Dimitri, he said he would come by and fix that board. Did you—” It occurred to me then that Dimitri shouldn’t have known any of that because it was from our conversation on the porch. “Were you listening to us?”

“Yeah. I’m aware of what he offered.” He wedged a crowbar-looking thing under the floorboard and cranked on it hard. Much harder than necessary. The wood crunched and cracked.

Now, I was concerned about his mental state, not mine. “Dimitri, are you okay?” I asked softly. I knew I’d acted out but now he was acting more than a little angry. His face was red, and there was a sheen of sweat across his forehead.

“I’m trying my best not to be pissed at this community right now. I really am. Melly’s a little …”

“Yep. I agree.” He wrenched the crowbar into the floorboard again.

“Dimitri, I think, maybe, you’re doing it wrong.” I tried to approach this lightly. “That’s going to ruin the wood.”

“That’s the point. I’m pulling it all up.”

I sighed. “What for?” I started toward him now. I loved this porch.

“To let off some steam. Plus, you were with Jameson out here. I tried to let it go. But I’d rather not.”

“Let what go?” I stared at him, beads of sweat rolling down his temples now, saw how his muscles flexed as he stood up to face me and really look me over as I asked the question slowly one more time.

“He kissed your cheek on this porch, Honeybee.”

“Dimitri.” I said his name softly, not knowing if I should even be entertaining the idea of consoling him. “It was a kiss on the cheek as a frien—”

“Yep,” he blurted out. Then he threw the crowbar down. “I saw your soft skin being touched by his fucking—”

“Okay.” My love for him and the way he loved me settled deep in me with the look of frustration he had on his face. For me. All for me. “So you were definitely watching the cameras again?”

“Of course I was! And through the doorbell.” He pointed behind him. “I watched. You’re damn right I did.”

“I feel like you should apologize for spying on me.”

“I feel like you should apologize for being with someone other than your future husband.”

My mouth opened. Then I closed it. He took that moment to grab the crowbar and crank the tool into the wood again. It snapped in half, splintering into a bunch of jagged pieces.

“Maybe we should take a step back.” We needed to hash out our feelings, get through the next few weeks, and try to understand where all this was going. “We need to be mature about all this. We can stop sleeping together and discuss—’

“We’re sleeping together right after I finish redoing this porch.” He grunted like it was an absolute sure thing. So sure of us that I actually smiled, because there was no question in how he felt about me or how I felt about him now.

Even still, I squeaked out, “The whole porch? I’m pretty sure you’re not finishing that today.” Did the man know anything about manual labor? “It would take a whole team of very hot men sweating all around this house of yours to redo the porch, which, by the way, I’m not at all against, but we should plan for that before ruining the perfectly good porch that we have here.”

He made a ha sound, and I thought he liked my joke at first. But then, his laugh became somewhat sinister as he cranked on another board and then another before he stood again and wiped his brow. There was something in his eye that I couldn’t quite place as he nodded to the screen door behind me.

“No other men will be helping you around this house. Ever. You and me, we can do it all ourselves. Together.”

Then he got up and marched into the house. I followed him, not sure if our conversation was over.

He grabbed a bag from the bathroom cabinet and threw it on the bed where I was standing. “We need to build a safe home with safe people around, Olive, and you want to know why?”

I stared at the bag for a moment and my heart started to thump. “Why?”

“For our kid.” He pointed to my belly. “Go take the test in that bag.”

“What?” I frowned at the bag and then opened it to peer in. I stumbled back. He couldn’t be serious. “That’s not possible, Dimitri.”

“It is.” He combed a hand through his hair and glanced out at the porch one last time. “Think about how sensitive your body has been. Think about how you were today at the salon—”

“I was just giving her what she deserved. The dye is temporary!” I bit out, feeling the anger swell inside me immediately. I gripped the back of the dining room chair though as I started to think harder about it. I shook my head back and forth. “No. This can’t be happening, I just started taking the pill again.”

“We had two weeks of you not taking it though, right? And pregnancy tests can be accurate as early as ten days after conception, Honeybee. And—”

My stomach rolled. “I’m going to be sick, I think.”

“Exactly. Probably because I put a baby in you.” The man actually smiled wide, and I wanted to smack him.

“This isn’t a joke, Dimitri!”

“Okay, I know. But just—” He cleared the space between us as he strode over and took my hands in his. “Think about it, Olive Monroe. Take the test. If it’s nothing, fine. If it’s everything, the way a baby with you would be for me, then consider it. You make the decision on what you want, of course, but just consider it. Consider the life you want and if I’m in it. If a kid you had with me is in it.”

“The life I want?” I breathed out, a storm of emotions now creating a hurricane within me.

“And me too. Because I want all of my life with you. I want one where I wake up next to you every morning. Where it might be raining outside, but it’s always sunny inside our home with kids running around calling you Mom and me being thankful every day that I get to still call you Honeybee. The one where I’m right about the fact that you’re mine and about the fact that we get to take the chance and enjoy the dance. It’s going to be a good dance, I promise. Because I love you. I’m going to take care of you. Always. Even if you don’t end up wanting kids, I’m going to be here. For you.”

He didn’t hesitate or look away from me while he said the words. The emotions that swirled around inside me stopped, my world stopped, everything stopped. Everything but my heart beating for him.

“Dimitri,” I whispered, “I don’t know if I can do this.” I said it honestly, but he pulled me close to kiss the top of my forehead.

“Take the test, Honeybee. Then we figure it out together.”

“It’s just not possible.

“It is. It lines up. Have you gotten your period?”

“Well no. But … it’s not even time yet, and with you messing with my birth control …”

“Take the test.”

“It wouldn’t even show up,” I whispered.

“Then it will say negative.”

I grabbed the test like I was in a daze as I mumbled, “I can’t have a kid.”

“Why not?”

I spun on him and threw up a hand. “Because I’m not ready! We’re not ready. We just started dating. Some secret society might be causing danger to my family. There are a million reasons.”

“I’m ready. I’ll be ready for both of us if you want me to. And I’m going to keep you safe. I promise you that. Take the test, Honeybee. We’ll figure out whatever you want after, okay?”

I walked slowly into the bathroom, carrying the box like it was a bomb, and then I closed the door behind me so I could take a breath, so I could center myself while I looked in the mirror. My curls jumped out in every direction, the flower askew in my hair, and my sweater was wrinkled about ten different ways.

I’d been all over the place this summer and couldn’t really even comprehend how I’d gotten here, in a bathroom, about to take a pregnancy test.

Yet, I wasn’t alone. Dimitri stood outside that door patiently waiting. Never did he waver in his support for me. Dimitri was my rock, the man I knew I could see myself with forever, that I’d want my kids to call dad.

That last thought had me wondering if I would be a good enough mother. I’d stood up for myself today, backed by women who supported me. I’d finished the article for Lucille and my thesis was submitted. I was home, and it had somehow brought out the best in me.

I’d deal with whatever it came with.

I took a breath and smiled at myself. A sense of calm washed over me. I opened the box, read the directions, and peed on that stick.

With or without Dimitri, with or without a baby, I would be okay.

My path in life might not have been exactly perfect, but it was mine. I was choosing the right way for me, taking a chance and enjoying the dance.

I waited and waited for the lines to show up.

My heart pounded while I stared at the white little window on the pregnancy test. It must have been fear. It had to be. But there was a fear of not being pregnant and then being pregnant, like suddenly I wanted a child.

Then I sat in that bathroom, staring at the lines before I finally looked up at him with tears in my eyes.

“You’re pregnant.” He smiled. “And we’re going to be the best parents.”

He said it with conviction and I bit my lip before admitting back, “I think you’re right, Dimitri. I think you might really be right.”

He pulled me close to hug and kiss my forehead over and over. I cried in his arms, realizing I was ready to put down roots here in Paradise Grove, just like my mother had said.

It should have been the most surreal day but it was just minutes later my phone went off in our room.

My father’s name was on the screen. When I picked up, he said softly, “I’m so sorry, Olive. Knox OD’d.”