Faking with Benefits : Transcript 4

ZACK: So, this is the end of week four of our experiment. Today, we focussed on your sexting skills. Layla, what did we learn?

LAYLA:… that if a guy sends a grey sweatpants pic, don’t respond with the magnifying glass emoji.

ZACK: Or?

LAYLA: The laughing face emoji.

ZACK: And? What else?

LAYLA: (sighs) That if a boy says ‘send nudes’, they’re supposed to be pictures of me.

JOSH: Although to be fair, that basketball player did have a very nice bum. (Papers rustling). Do you want to know what this week’s lesson will be about?

LAYLA: Amaze me.

JOSH: Well, for the listeners following along at home, we’ve already gone over the first meeting, flirting, the second date, and messaging etiquette. By this point, you should have a good surface understanding of your partner. Now, it’s time to take things to the next level by introducing them into your personal life.

LUKE: Vulnerability is a key factor in intimacy. This is the way you’re going to forge strong emotional ties, so it’s a vital part of dating, and one that a lot of us struggle with.

LAYLA: Yikes. I should have told you earlier. I have no feelings. I am a hollow shell of a human, sorry.

JOSH: (Ignores her) So, for this next phase of our experiment, we’re going to be digging a little deeper. We’ve all come up with an activity that will let Layla into our personal lives.

LUKE: I’ll go first. As lots of you know, my ex-wife is getting married in a week’s time. I’ve been invited to the wedding, and I’m inviting Layla as my plus-one. If you’d like to come, sweetheart?

(Long pause)

LAYLA: Um, yeah, I’ll give it a go. I’ve never been to a wedding before.

LUKE: They’re awful.

LAYLA: We can trauma bond, then.

JOSH: Jumping off from Luke’s idea — L, my entire extended family will be at the wedding, and I’d like you to meet them. If it’s okay, I’ll arrange a spot for you at our after-wedding breakfast. Meeting the family is always a stressful part of a new relationship, so I think this would be a good exercise.

LAYLA: Oh, God. Um, okay.

JOSH: You don’t want to? I promise to fake a migraine if you want to leave.

LAYLA: That’s so romantic, babe. No, just… prepare for everyone to hate me. I’m not good with families.

ZACK: Or people in general, as we have learned over the last few episodes.

LAYLA: Alright, Zack, what do you have?

ZACK: Well, my gorgeous co-host, I will be introducing you to the world of sexual vulnerability. ‘S important to learn to let go of control in bed, and I would be more than happy to give you a personal demonstration.

LAYLA:… I have to admit, I don’t think you’re trying as hard as the others.

ZACK: Oh, I’ll try plenty hard, my little Bundt cake. Don’t you worry about that.

LAYLA: Bundt cake?

ZACK: Aye. Like, one with cream frosting. ‘Cause after I take you from behind it looks like —

LUKE: (Interrupting) Actually, Zack, ever since Layla’s suggestion the other week, we’ve had a ton of requests for you to do that episode on grieving a partner. If you’re willing, that would be a good option.

ZACK: (Brief pause) I don’t know how that’s gonna teach the lady how to find a guy. Are you grieving, Layla?

LAYLA: Only the loss of my dwindling reputation. It drops with every innuendo you make.

ZACK: You make stockings and garters, lass. I bet your sales would only go up if I told the listeners at home about how that new push-up from your collection makes your boobs look like a pair of pillows in a—

JOSH: (claps once into mic) Note to self — edit this out. Layla, stop giggling.

ZACK: Aw, c’mon.

JOSH: (claps again into mic) Restart.

LUKE: It actually would be a good dating exercise. If we’re talking about being vulnerable with partners, discussing relationship grief is a perfect example of that. And I know it would be helpful to the listeners, too. If you—

(Sound of a chair scraping back)

ZACK: The answer is no. Stop bloody asking.

(Door slams).

LUKE: Ah.

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