Faking with Benefits : Chapter 74

Immediately, Zack’s gruff, scratchy voice fills my ears. Tears prick the back of my eyes, and I grip the smooth bar counter as memories wash over me. Him cuddling me on the couch. Him dragging me onto his lap to kiss him. Him spinning me around while we dance. God, I miss him so much.

I’m so distracted by the sudden wave of emotion, it takes a few seconds to tune into his words. “Grief isn’t a straight line, I guess,” he’s saying. “Some days I still see Emily in signs. I still sometimes dream of her, or I get a memory that’s so vivid that it just — makes the world disappear. And some days, I don’t think of her at all. And those are the worst.”

I sit up straighter. He’s talking about Emily? Now? The last time we brought up the idea of him discussing grief on the podcast, he clammed up and stormed out. So why is he doing it now?

“How would you say losing a partner differs from a break-up?” Josh asks. A shiver runs down my back as his deep, cool voice burns through me.

“When you break up with someone, you can make them the villain,” Zack says. “Bitch about them. Your friends will all tell you that you’re going to find someone better, or whatever. You can move on.” He takes a deep breath. “I have nowt but good memories of Emily. I never broke up with her. I never stopped loving her. So when I started falling for someone else, it felt like I was cheating.”

My eyes widen as his words echo through my head. When I started falling for someone else. When I started falling for someone else.

Oh my God.

“You must have known that you weren’t, though,” Josh points out. “Realistically.”

“Yeah.” Zack’s voice is creaky. “I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve anyone else. She was The One for me, and I lost her, and that was that. I…” He trails off, coughing. “Shit. Sorry. Need a minute.”

“It’s not exactly the same thing,” Luke cuts in smoothly, his warm voice soft in my earphones. “But I had a similar feeling after my divorce. I’d been in love, I’d had the marriage and the house, I had my chance at a proper family, and I blew it. I couldn’t make my first wife happy, so I didn’t deserve another one.” He pauses. “More than that, though, I completely, one-hundred percent believed that I would grow old with my ex. I thought I’d had the fairytale ending. And when you believe something that deeply, and it falls apart, how can you ever trust your feelings again? I’d already proved that I couldn’t hold a marriage. Why go through the years of heartache?”

He trails off, and there’s a soft dinging sound. “That’s another hour mark,” Josh says. “Thank you all for listening and messaging in. For those of you who are just now joining, this is the start of hour seven of our apology livestream. If you need a recap —”

“We screwed up,” Zack says. “So bad.”

“Yeah,” Josh says. “As you all know, we recently ran a segment called ‘The Fake Date Experiment’, where the three of us fake-dated our co-host to help her become better at dating. Unfortunately, it backfired pretty badly when all three of us started to fall in love with her.”

I sit back in my chair. It feels like a pile of bricks just landed on my chest.

Zack snorts. “Mate, ‘fess up. You already were in love with her. You had hearts in your eyes whenever you looked at her.”

Josh takes a deep breath. “Yes. I’ve loved Layla for a long time now. Well before she first joined us on this show. But I never told her. We’d been friends for years. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her.”

Tears fill my eyes. The bartender passes by and gives my wine glass a cautious look, obviously making a mental note to cut me off. I smile at him weakly.

“I think I fell in love with her the first time she opened up to us about her past,” Zack says. “She had, like, tears in her eyes, and I remember thinking… ‘I’ll do anything to not see her cry again’.” He’s silent for a moment. “Then I made her cry even worse. God, what a prick. What about you, Lukey?”

“It was a gradual thing, I think,” Luke says. “I didn’t realise until I invited her to my ex-wife’s wedding.”

“We wouldn’t normally air personal issues like this,” Josh adds. “But when you make a public mistake, I think it’s unfair to expect someone to accept a private apology.”

“Plus, she won’t answer our calls,” Zack adds. “So we don’t exactly have a choice.”

“Right. Speaking of…” Josh’s voice hardens. “Rumours have been going around that Layla was unfaithful to one, or all of us. These are untrue. We were the ones who were dishonest. We led her on, then refused to admit we were falling for her. We hurt her, not the other way around.”

“Layla, honey, we are so sorry,” Zack says. “So sorry. We miss you.”

“And we’d like to apologise to all of our listeners, too.” Josh adds. “We’ve been telling you to open up, and be vulnerable and brave in your love life — all while the three of us were too scared to deal with our own issues. Trust me. After losing her, we’ve definitely learned our lesson.” There’s a brief pause, then he clears his throat. “Okay. We’re going to be taking some tweets.” He clicks his tongue, and I imagine him frowning behind his reading glasses as he scrolls down his feed. “From @sweetheartbaby23. ‘I still think she cheated on you. If all three of you fell in love with her, she obviously led you all on’.”

Zack snorts. “Layla doesn’t lead people on. She’s usually trying to make people leave her alone.”

Josh sounds less amused. “I know our listeners are accepting enough to not find a relationship involving more than two people strange,” he says icily. “Monogamy is a social construct. It’s not wrong, but it’s also no more ‘right’ than multiple people choosing to be together. All three of us were openly dating Layla, so I don’t see how on earth it could be construed as cheating.”

“Shame on you,” Zack admonishes, “We raised you kids better than that.”

“From @ellabaloney17.” Josh continues. “Did you guys ever sleep together?”

“It’s none of your business,” Luke answers crisply. “Next.”

I sit numbly in my seat as they answer question after question, defending me, cutting down people who are rude to me, reassuring listeners over and over that this is their fault, that they screwed up, that I did nothing wrong. My heart is thudding. I can barely believe what I’m hearing.

They love me? More than that, they love me enough to openly admit they were wrong in front of tens of thousands of people?

I don’t think anyone has ever loved me that much. I look down at the phone in my sweaty hand. Before I can talk myself out of it, I tap out a quick tweet and hit send.

Immediately, my notifications go crazy. Likes and retweets start pouring in. I blink in shock, watching the numbers skyrocket to one hundred, two hundred, three hundred…

I suddenly notice that the guys have stopped talking. There’s a few seconds of completely dead air. Then:

“Layla. Please come home,” Josh says, his voice soft as he talks directly into the mic. “Please.”

I don’t know what to say. My phone feels too heavy in my hands. I lay it down carefully on the bar and flip my napkin over, picking up the pen to write a new list. I carefully catalogue what I know about the situation.

My throat burns. I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive the men, but I’m scared. They hurt me so bad.

“Please,” Josh says again, and he sounds so sad that I’m standing and grabbing my suitcase before I even know what I’m doing.

I need to get a taxi.