Chapter 24

GABRIEL

~What the hell happened last night?~ That was the first thought Gabe had when he woke up. Not the fact that he had his first appointment with the psychologist today, or that he had another day of idleness ahead of him till he reported for duty the next day, or that he had slept for a solid six hours with no night terrors for the first time in his life. It was more the memory of Sarah against him, above him, beneath him, around him, ~on~ him, and him deep within her. Sarah looked like a goddess as she impaled herself on him.

A part of his body was already achingly awake at the memory of the night before, the scent of Sarah still on his skin. He remembered driving her to her car, her head on his shoulder and her hair tickling his cheek as they listened to the soft country radio station he liked. His truck still smelled like her when he pulled up at the house after he followed her to her apartment to make sure she got home safely. She had looked so well-loved when she walked over to him after locking her car, that Gabe had been tempted to take her up to her apartment and love her again. Especially since Seth’s truck wasn’t in its bay, he and Amelia spending the night with Indie and Connor.

But he opened his door, and she leaned in and gave him a hot, long, lingering kiss before pushing his door closed and jogging up the stairs to her front door. She gave him a small wave before closing the door and he waited for the lights to go out before he drove away. He had fallen into bed exhausted, his dreams for once filled with a lightness that had him craving sleep, rather than trying to avoid it.

***

The office was a typical therapeutic space, with a large uncomfortable sofa, two armchairs, and a round coffee table bringing the corners together. In the other corner was a medium-sized desk with a desktop computer and a stack of files on the corner with a small frame which he suspected held a photo of her family. A large window framed the room in sunshine, and he smiled at the irony. It had been raining since he had rolled out of bed, but the minute he had pulled into the parking bay outside of Doctor Abrahams’s office, the sun had shone strongly between the heavy clouds as though he was where he was supposed to be.

Gabe sat in the corner of the couch, an ankle casually resting on his opposite knee, but he couldn’t stop the nervous tapping of his fingers on the instep of his boot. He became aware that he was chewing his lip but couldn’t seem to stop himself. He lowered his lashes to hide the uncertainty that would be evident in his eyes before looking at the good doctor.

Seth had given her a glowing recommendation, and Gabe trusted his friend above anything else. She pushed a strand of dark hair behind her ear as she studied him with dark brown eyes. They were ten minutes into the session, and a silence that felt awkward to Gabe stretched between them as she waited for him to answer her question.

“Why did you agree to see me and not a department appointed therapist, Gabriel?”

He took a deep breath and looked around the room, taking in the certificates on the wall next to the bookcase filled with rows of textbooks. He ran a heavy hand through his hair before he looked at her again. “Seth said you’re good at what you do.”

“You trust him?”

“With the lives of my unborn children.”

She looked at him and then gave a soft laugh. “How nervous are you, Gabe?”

He sucked in a sharp breath. “Very.”

She nodded in understanding. “What’s making you nervous?”

He looked around the room again before looking at her. “I hate the office setting. It reminds me of sitting in the principal’s office as a kid, my grandfather putting his hand on my shoulder while Mr. Claude laid into me.” A deep breath. “I just hate being in an office.”

She tilted her head as she nodded slowly. “I have a colleague who’s always telling me to work outside of the box.” With a resolute nod, she got to her feet and moved to the door. “Follow me.”

With his eyebrows raised, he followed her petite, five-foot-two frame out the office door. She quickly climbed the stairs that he discovered led to the roof. He breathed a sigh of relief when the soft breeze whispered over his face, pushing his hair from his forehead as he stared out over the view of the city around them. “Nice view.”

“It’s a favorite lunch spot for us.” She indicated at the picnic table set close to the edge of the roof, and Gabe watched as she settled on the table, her feet resting on the seat. Gabe paced along the wall, watching the people walking in the street seven floors below.

She watched him in silence for a while, before saying softly, “You could have gone to the department’s therapists, yet you decided to make an appointment with me.”

With another deep breath, Gabe settled on the wall adjacent to Dr. Abrahams and crossed his arms over his chest. A gust of wind blew a strand of his dark hair over his forehead, and he shook it impatiently out of his eyes. He caught the quick narrowing of her eyes as she watched him, and he lowered his lashes to hide the myriad of emotions that he knew she would be able to read like a historical novel. But he knew that if he wanted to be a smidgeon of the man Sarah needed, he ~had~ to get his shit sorted out.

“You’re aware of the incident that occurred on my last shift?”

She nodded. “That must have been scary.”

Gabe shook his head, rubbing the spot between his brows, his heart beginning to beat fast at the thought of admitting his thoughts. “I’ve been in scarier situations, doc. Having seconds to extricate myself from a deadly situation is nothing new. But for the first time ever, I froze. And ~that’s~ what scared me.”

Before she could ask, he explained about the three brothers in Yemen, about the gratitude of their mother, and the relief that it was only him and Sergeant Brady in the basement. “Maybe I should start at the beginning.”

“That would help,” she agreed softly.

He rubbed his forehead again before brushing his hand through his hair. “Doc, ~no one~ knows about this, so I just need to…to…”

“You are protected by doctor-client privileges. I can’t tell anyone unless you’re about to commit a crime.”

He smiled wryly. “Not that I’m aware of.”

He glanced down at his watch and saw that they had another half hour of their session left, and he deliberated whether it was enough time, but then recognized the delaying tactic for what it was. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his jean-clad thighs, not being the kind of guy to shy away from facing the tough shit.

“I was in charge of an elite team that took out terrorist threats…explosively. Signal towers. Weapons manufacturing plants. Transit mechanisms. We were tasked with removing threats before they reached their destinations. Often, we had to set up a sniper point, and because I had the skills, I was the trigger man on most of the assignments. And in all the cases, I was the person overseeing the…placement…of the ~packages~. A year before I retired, we…”

He closed his eyes and breathed out loudly. The sound of his heart banging loudly in his chest nearly drowned out the sounds of the screams. The smells of the city nearly overcame the stench of burned—

“What happened, Gabriel?” Dr. Abrahams’s soft voice filtered through the chaos reverberating in his mind.

Sweat coated his forehead, and his palms were too wet and didn’t seem to get dry. He couldn’t open his eyes because that meant looking at the doctor but keeping them closed was like a horror movie playing behind his eyelids. He straightened to his feet and turned to look over the wall to the street below.

He pushed his hands deeply into the back pockets of his jeans while he took several deep breaths. “Can we end the session now, doc?”

She wet her lips as she studied his tense back. “We still have some time. Can we try another exercise? Something to lighten the emotions that you need to delve into… I’ve found that clients find it helpful to have a mental safe haven. Something, someone, or some place that gives you a sense of peace. Do you have something like that?”

Immediately, Gabe’s mind flashed to an image of a little girl in a red dress with smiling white clouds floating on it, blonde pigtails bouncing gaily as she sang along with the hymns. And then he thought of Sarah, the moon shining through her blonde hair, coating her creamy skin in a silver hue that was otherworldly. Then, he saw the two of them bending over Sarah’s kitchen counter, decorating the cookies that they’d baked earlier in the day, their blonde heads blending together, their hushed voices filling the kitchen with giggles and joy.

He immediately felt their light filtering into the darkness that had flowed over him at the memories the session unlocked. If one session was making him feel ready to implode, what about when the good doctor started asking the right questions? It wasn’t just the train that had fucked him, it had started with Tia, the first team member he had lost in action, to Phillip…

Gabe bit his lip and closed his eyes tightly, holding onto the image of Sarah and Amelia. Then he nodded at Dr. Abrahams over his shoulder before giving a small smile. “I call her my glitter girl. My…” Gabe hesitated. How did he describe Sarah? Was she his friend? His partner? His lover? His soulmate?

His phone rang and he turned to the doctor with an apology. He was about to decline the call when he saw Sergeant Brady’s name. “I’m sorry, doc, this is my CO.”

“Answer it,” she nodded.

“Gabe. Get your ass to the office. We’re gearing up in the next thirty,” Brady instructed before Gabe could answer.

“Yes, sir,” Gabe muttered even as the dial tone beeped in his ear. “I’m sorry, doc. I need to go.”

She nodded again. “Do me a favor, Gabe?”

He nodded.

“Hold on to that image of your haven. I have worked with many clients, but I have only had a handful of them light up the way you did when you thought of your glitter girl.”