chapter 22

He unhooks my bra and my breast spill forward into his waiting palms and he fondles them delicately. My eyes shut and I moan as he kisses over my exposed breast down my belly. He drops to his knees and unbuckles my belt and unzips my jeans and pulls them down along with my panties. When he has them undone, he looks up into my eyes and I stroke his hair, drunk and dizzy with undisclosed desires.“Se riesci a vederti in questo momento, ti renderai conto che non è necessario combattermi. Non è chiaro? Lo vuoi anche tu (If you can see yourself right now you will realize there is no need to fight me.) Isn’t it clear? You want this too.” He gets up and kisses me hard on the lips and his hand works on my button and I begin to feel myself getting turned on and more excited. As I get closer to the edge, Keenan withdraws his hand and he pulls away from me.My eyes open as I feel the loss of his touch and the absence of Keenan’s closeness. “Keenan?” I call out, wanting him to come back, weary and wondering why there is a sudden change in him.“You want me to take you?” He raises a brow as he further backs away from me, “make you mine? Ravish and fill you up till you can’t take anymore?” His voice is drunk with so much list and I wonder why he stopped in the first place, “I can do all that to you and make your body feel good just like it should, all you have to do is say it.” he finishes speaking, going over and sitting down on the bed.A tear runs down my face at the point I now am, I want him, my body has awoken and is alive because of him and nothing I do would be a consolation to what I want from him, but, I need to learn to put my feelings, wants and needs in check.I cannot fight a battle. I know I have already lost. It would be a waste of time and energy.Torn between right and wrong is how I feel, but the thought of not having him now tears into my mind and, like an addiction, I need my drug; I need Keenan, and there’s no second doubt about it.“I want you, Keenan.” I breathe out, my heart pounding heavily in my chest.His brow rises as if what I just said is not enough to convince him. “A questo punto devi essere specifico (At this point you have to be specific.)” He demands, his voice raw and shamelessly laced with lust and unsatisfied desires before speaking in English, “What exactly do you want me to do to you?”“I want you to make me yours, Keenan.”Probably loving the desperate point he’s brought me to, he asks, “And?”I bite my lips gingerly, “Then touch me like no one will do it better.”He nods slowly with a smug look, one I want to wipe off. “What else?”“I want you to kiss me hard.” My frustration is reaching its peak and my eye drops to the floor.“Non posso perderti ora (I can’t lose you now,) Look up at me Vary,” he commands and though the words come out softly, I am forced to obey because of the strength it carries, lifting my eyes and locking them in his, “And what else?” He further enquires, his brow still raised.A tear runs down my face and I feel like I’m confessing my deepest, dirtiest desires to him. This isn’t the weakness I should show, but I’ve got no strength in myself. I left, but I chose this and I have to see it through.“Then I want you to fuck me hard like we are running out of time! Fuck me like you can’t stand me, then pull me closer and kiss me like I belong to you and you alone.”His face breaks into a satisfied smirk, finally bringing me to my knees, “Then come here.” He says, his face lustful and dark with desires.As I make my way over to him, I tell myself, this is the last time. And as we do what I call a messed up lovemaking sex, I give out just as much as I am receiving and as we drive each other into ecstasy; I let go in his arms...........The clash of the thunder wakes me up and I stare through the window and hear that rain is heavily falling outside. I try to get up, but I realise that Keenan’s arms wrapped around me and our naked bodies are entwined in the sheets. His thigh was on mine and mine on him, and I noticed my hand wrapped around his middle and his on my back. The bathroom door is open, and the light radiates and illuminates the room. I note how our skin colours are so different yet so beautiful together. I tilt my head up a little to glance at him to see his face. I have never had the privilege of watching him sleep before, and now I hope to take advantage of it.His long eyelashes brush the skin under his eyes. I have to admit; he looks peaceful when he’s resting, so young and innocent, like a baby. It’s also nice to see that he doesn’t look like one who is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.Like this, he looks like a regular guy, not the bossy, care-less and proud jerk I know him to be most of the time.The lightning flashes over his face and makes his skin glow; illuminating his face, and making him look so beautiful. It almost hurts that he can’t be this peaceful, this vulnerable with me when awake.Hurt.That is what I feel, knowing that while I can let go of his hands because I trust and love him with all my heart, he can’t do the same for me.I drag myself away from him and after a while of struggle; I pull away from his body and move away from his side on the bed.I pick up my clothes from the floor and put them on, then I walk out of the room. When I get into my room, I walk to the wardrobe and bring out my bag. I set it down on the bed and I arrange my clothes and things and pack my bags. There are a few things that are mine among the dozen others Keenan has gotten for me and I sort them into my bag. And when I’m done, I zip the bag up and pull it down from the bed.I pick up my purse which is on the dressing mirror and I pick the handle of my bag up and turn to walk out, only to see Keenan standing at the door. I gasp and the bag drops from my hand to the floor.He’s wearing black jeans and a blue polo and although his face looks dull from just waking up, his eyes are sharp and piercing. He is wearing no particular expression on his face except curiosity and worry.“What are you doing?” he asks, as he walks further in. I notice there’s a quietness in him and I don’t like that fact and I fear something that something might happen.“I’m leaving.” I force myself to reply, my eyes getting interestingly fixed to the floor.His voice is demanding as it comes out. “Where are you going?”“Home.” The word feels wrong rolling from my tongue because in the last few weeks I’ve spent here, I’ve grown to know this place as my home and that would take a long time to change.“Is this what you want?” He asks, and I feel his voice and face getting grave in disposition as he stares at me.My brow furrow suspiciously. Why isn’t there a battle like earlier? Why is he calm and why is he asking for what I want? I prepared for a fight like the one we had earlier, and this is not settling well with me.“Yes, it is,” I answer with a firm nod, and he nods as well.“Okay.” He answers immediately without wasting a moment of thought.“You will say nothing,” my suspiciousness gets the better of my speaking.He walks over to where I am currently standing and my heart lunches forward in fear at what he may want to do to me now. To my surprise, he takes my hand into his, “No I’m not, because I respect your choice.” He answers, “I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy many days ago.” He drops my hands and I feel his lips tenderly rest on my forehead as he places a soft kiss thereupon.My eyes flutter close and I treasure the moment for the little time it last before he pulls away and backs up.He slips something into my hand. “Forgot to give it to you earlier.”I open my hand to see what it is, and it’s a phone and a master card. From where I can see; they appear to be new. I can’t accept this because I don’t think I want any form of kindness from him. I am trying to distance myself from him and cut all contact, and this will not help me do that. This is going to keep me connected to him, even though what I want is to be as far from him as possible. But as I open my mouth to speak, he places his hand on my lips and shakes his head, “you will get the pin once you turn on the phone, take it as my gift to you.” He closes his hand on mine and smiles.“I’ll call Roberto and tell him to take you to where ever you wish to go.” He says, and slowly strokes my cheek with his fingers and I feel his eyes on me, “just be safe.”He turns to leave, but I pull him back and deeply kiss his lips one last time before pulling back. Without another utterance of words, he makes his way out of the room.Roberto brings me to the house where he had taken me from weeks ago. I get down in the rain and walk to the door. After a whole while of waiting, the door finally cracks open and Alian presents herself in her pink nightgown.Her eyes are dull and squinted as eyes stare at me and I wonder if she’s just waking up, but after a few moments of staring at me without recognition, her eyes light up in glee and surprise.“Oh God, V! Come in.” She ushers, stepping away from the door and letting me in.I smile and step in, shivering and dragging my bag behind me and she shuts the door.“Oh, my god! You’re shivering, go get a hot bath before coming back.” She says, taking my bag and walking me into my room.I strip off my clothes before stepping into the shower. I relax against the wall as the hot water beat down on my skin and I wish it would just wash the past few weeks away as well.When I am done, I dry myself off with my towel and move to dry my hair next. I put on the thick white bathroom robe before leaving the bathroom.I walk to the room and meet Alian still standing there and I realise I have a lot of explaining to do. “Where have you been these past three weeks?! And why didn’t you ever think of calling me? Do you know how many times I went to church and prayed just for God to keep you safe? You have given me such a heart attack that I never had before.” She says with relieved eyes.I silently watch her ramble on and on and after finally realising I have said nothing, she stops, walks towards me and hugs me like she just saw me.“Never do that again, please.” She tightens her arms around me, not willing to let go.I chuckle and can’t help wrapping my arms around her as well and I let myself try to feel alive for a minute, even if it is a lie.I feel dead and kinda lost and I don’t know how I am going to move on from this point in my life.When we finally pull apart, she begins again, this time her voice less demanding.I walk out of the room and she silent follows me and I make my way to the kitchen feeling a little hungry. I open the fridge and bring out a box of cookies before setting it on the dining table set in the centre of the kitchen and I sit down.“Where have you been?” Alian asks, finally breaking the silence.My eyes squint and I stare at her and the demand in her voice makes me choke and cough. She goes to the tap and grabs a tumbler, she fills it up with water before returning a giving it to me.I take a long gulp of the water and my choking reduces before I can speak. “I left you a message in my room. You never saw it?”She shakes her head. “No, I did not. Some of your things were missing in your room, so I figured you went on a break or something, but when Levi called me and asked about you, I knew you were not on break. There was nothing I could do.” She explains, and I felt sorry for putting her through that panic and stress because it was never intended. “I couldn’t go to your room. It was a sad reminder that you left. What was the message?” She finally asks, looking at me.“I’m married, Alian,” I reply, the first two words feeling heavier on my tongue than they should be.Her eyes widen in excitement and she squeals loudly, so loud it surpasses the sound of the heavy falling rain, “Oh my, V! So you finally tied the knot with Levi and you didn’t even let me know! What happened to us being best friends? You said I was going to be your bridesmaid–”I cut her off quickly, “I didn’t marry Levi, Ali,”She stops talking, and a frown grows on her face, “Who did you marry then?”I bite down on my bottom lips, “I got married to Keenan Hilton.” I reply. “You’re kidding right?” She raises her brow at me in disbelief, but as she sees no sign of sarcasm in my face, No, she squeals even louder with a high pitch in glee. “Oh my? How the hell did that happen?”I spend the next thirty minutes explaining how it all happened, she gives me a knowing look, “So have you two had sex yet?”I roll my eyes, but my cheeks heat up and I fight the urge to smile, “You have!” She gasps and covers her mouth with her hands. “you have to tell me how it all went down, goodness is he a sex God like the celebrity profile says he is?”When I keep grinning and say nothing, she squeals louder, “Oh my! Good for you, I’m figuring everything is great then?”“It was.”The excitement vanishes from her eyes. “Then why are you here cause I helped take your bag to your room earlier?”I sigh, pain plaguing my fragile heart yet again. “Because I’m in love with him.”.Â