chapter 29

“The dinner was lovely, Keenan. I enjoyed myself.” Vary tells me as we walk towards the door to her room and she unhooks her arm from mine.After we finished eating, I took Varisha out for a walk on the top of the Royal City restaurant where we spent the next hours talking and getting to know her even better. Even little things matter if we are hoping to make this work. I don’t want to assume that I know her because I only know twenty per cent and so that assumption would be completely absurd. I’d like to hear from the girl herself.I asked questions while she answered some of my questions about her favourite food, favourite holiday and a little more about her than I already know, which was amazing, and I have to say I’ve fallen even more in love with her. It was Vary’s idea to return home early to get enough rest and be early for work tomorrow and even though I didn’t like the idea; I respected her decision.I smile down at her, even though I’ve gotten too used to her closeness to my body and her pulling away now feels weird. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself because I did too.”We stop when we get to her door and I open the door for her and she steps in, she bites down on her lips nervously, “Keenan what you said earlier about how you felt-” he begins but I don’t let her finish.I place a finger to her lips and silence her. She presses her lips together quietly, “I meant it, Varisha and I hope you believe that.”She lowers her head to avoid my eyes and I know it’s her usual way of hiding how she is feeling. My hand slowly tilts her chin up to look into my eyes and when she does, she releases her lips slowly and softly breathes down. My eyes catch her full wet lips glittering in the dark and my groin tightens at her action and I can’t help being drawn in. And my head slowly lowers and my lips take possession of hers. The taste of her lips feels like heaven and I can’t help wanting more.My hands wrap around her waist and pull her closer to me, and her hands come around my neck as she kisses me back. My tongue sweeps over her teeth and when she opens, I slide it in and lick deeper into her mouth. I push her against the doorway and my hands sweep over her legs tactically. I lift her and she wraps her legs around my waist.My lips move down from her lips to her neck and kiss and caress her there, and she moans out as she tugs against my hair.I love the way she clings to me like there’s nothing else to do; I love it when she lets me touch her and kiss her sweet lips. And I love the needy moan that leaves her lips and I love the weakness taking over her now.“Keenan,” she calls out, her voice weak and quivery and I stop and stare at her, waiting for her to say what is in her mind, but she says nothing. Instead, she just bites her lips and breath down. I lick her lips and crash my lips hungrily down on hers again.My hands lift to her back and I undo the zip of her dress and my hand hungrily feels the warmth of her skin. She shivers and clings to me even more than I move further into the room and bring her to the bed after shutting the door.I peel the pretty dress off her skin and toss it onto the door, leaving her in her black panties and bra. I returned over her and I kiss her neck again, this time leaving small bites there, claiming her body like it’s mine. She moans loudly, her breath becomes heavy and short and she twitches under me, rubbing my slowly growing erection without even noticing it.This is how I want her to always be, mine completely and no one else’s and she’s mine to love, cherish and take care of. Then I remember she’s still going on the date with Enoch Alfred tomorrow, the damn actor she’s talked about earlier today.The thought of Vary on a date or anything with another man is disturbing as well as infuriating. “Don’t go out to the date with Enoch,” I say before I can stop myself.My jealousy is getting the better of me and I don’t mean to be controlling or tell her what to do because only insecure men do that, but I can’t help it.“What?” she asks, almost breathlessly, and a deep frown comes over her face.“I don’t want you to go on a date with Enoch.” I cup her face and she stares into my eyes. “Promise me, please promise me that you won’t go out with him tomorrow,” I say because I know how devastated I’ll be if the date happens. It is already bad, he’s younger; it’s even worse that he is black, ‘cause it seems like I’ve developed a quick phobia for black men overnight.She moves from under me and I don’t stop her. She pulls the bedsheets over her body and rubs her forehead slowly and after a while of grave silence, she answers, “I can’t do that Keenan, I’m sorry I already gave him my words-”“That was before you found out how I felt about you.” I point out, hoping that she would reason with me and accept this truth.“I didn’t find out anything. Keenan, Enoch likes me a lot, and he’s shown me that more than once that he cares about me, he respects me, treats me well, cares about me and he’s nice and—”“Do you like him?” The question feels wrong coming from my mouth, and I almost hate myself for asking, but I need to know if there’s any hope for me to nurture what my heart has felt or tear it out while it’s still in process.Something sparks in her eyes as I ask this and she doesn’t need to answer for me to know she does.He must have treated her too good cause it wasn’t long ago she was desperate for my approval.I get up from the bed, trying to shield my heart from this physical aching. “Keenan, I’m sorry,” she speaks up quickly and there’s nothing I want to do now than to hit something, or someone and take my anger out on that thing because I can feel it tearing me apart.“If you’re sorry, then you wouldn’t want to go out with him because you are mine,” I say the last words to myself and clench my teeth to stop myself from saying them out loud.“I don’t owe you any explanation for what I do with my life. We are just married. We are not an actual couple and I can be with anyone I want and so can you.” She points out, looking displeased with what I said.At her suggestion, I get heavy and painfully feeling like my heart is about to drop into my stomach and an unpleasant feeling sets in.The problem is; I don’t want to be with anyone that isn’t Vary and as sick as it sounds, it’s true. And it’s a wonder how she could quickly own my heart in this short period, something I thought was impossible after what I’ve been through.“I thought you said you loved me,” I ask, feeling more thrown off by the suggestion she made about me moving on.She avoids my eyes. “I did.”Did? Why did? Is she already over me?I rub my forehead slowly before asking, “Then how can you quickly stop loving me?”“I haven’t, but I’ve learnt to realise my mistake, admit that I made a mistake, take responsibility for them and move on from them.”My hand angrily balls into a hard fist, so tight I felt a wet stick substance on my fingertip. “So I’m your mistake?” the tone my voice has suddenly gone into is scary, hurt and so cold.A few weeks ago, nothing she did or said mattered, because her words were not of any importance to me, but now with every word she says, my soul feels like it’s being shredded into tiny pieces.A part of me wishes I could go back so I can change that and the other part feels satisfied I had a chance with her.She sighs deeply and her eyes fixate on mine. “We are each other’s mistake. From the marriage, the feelings, the sex.”“You had sex with me.” I snap and I look away from her before my sudden anger overcomes me and makes me do something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.My teeth grit loudly, “Driving me home that night even when I didn’t want you to, choosing to stay even when you didn’t have to, taking a drink even when you didn’t want to, us getting married even when we didn’t plan to, coming back from Levi even when you didn’t need to, choosing to stay even when there was no reason to, moving out even when you didn’t plan to, coming to the hospital even when it was unnecessary to, choosing to see the good in me even when it was okay not to. It was always your decision; all I’ve ever done is to respect them.”She nods in agreement, “You’re right, it’s always been my decision,” she answers even though her voice sounds pained and sad, “and now making this one because it’s the best for me and if you’re not selfish, you’ll understand that.”I can tell her mind is made up and there’s no stopping it and there’s no reason to try tomake her see what she isn’t ready to see. I can only hope she realises the truth.“Fine, I respect your decision, Vary. That’s how much of a good husband I am.” She scoffs in disbelief but says nothing. “I want you to always be happy and I know I’ve done the opposite of that. I just want you to be happy and if you don’t find that in me, I hope you find it in someone else.” I walk over to where she is wrapped in her bedsheets and take her lips into mine one last time before pulling away and walking out of the room.It’s not a surprise that I can’t find sleep as I lay on my bed this night. I mean, who in their right senses would find sleep knowing their wife and owner of their heart is on the verge of leaving them? No one. I toss and turn for the next couple of hours on the bed and finally give up after four hours; slowly, I get up from the bed and walk to the bar and pick out a bottle of whiskey and a glass cup and open the bottle; I pour myself a drink. This is the only way I can think of to stop the painful feeling in my chest and make me forget just how miserable my life is about to become.Drinking got me into this mess in the first place, but what can I do? It seems to be the only escape I have.When I hear noises coming from the living room, I walk out of the bar with my whiskey in my hand; the sun coming from the window spread apart in the living room hurt my eyes and I hiss and close my eyes from the impact.I come to the edge of the stair and I see Vary sitting and having a cup of coffee. I grin as I see her. “Vary! Hey.” I wave at her and she looks up at me with an arched brow before getting up from her seat.“Keenan?” she asks with careful wariness.“Yes,” I laugh and climb down the step, losing my step and tumbling down, only finding support when I grab onto the arm of the stairs. “That’s me” I bring the bottle of whiskey to my lips and take a quick drink.“You’re drunk?” She seems to sound more irritated than surprised. “How long have you been up?”“Yes, I’m drunk! And no, I didn’t sleep, but I feel so happy.” I slur, finally coming down the stair, tripping on every step.“Are you going to go to work like this?” she asks and when I look at her, I see her face has a look of concern through my blurry vision.“No, I’m not going to work at all, honey.” I slur and stagger towards the dining table and sit down, dropping the bottle on the table. “It will go on fine without me and so will you.” I nudge the bottle towards her before bringing it up to my lips.She yanks the bottle from my hand before the whiskey can touch my tongue and moves it away from my reach. “Give it back,” I demand, stretching my hand out, but she steps back from me. “Give me my whiskey, you stubborn woman!” I snap and get up, but I lose my step and fall to the ground. I hiss and groan as my belly rumbles and I throw up on the floor.“Rebecca, Judith!” I hear her call out to our maids and as my eyes close, I hear footsteps coming close to where I am “we’ll need to take him in for a bath,” my eyes finally shut and the voices fade away..Â