chapter 38

Thulir's POVHmm, I'm not sure where to begin. It's similar to the struggle I face when writing a new chapter in my stories; once I receive that initial push, it flows on its own. So, the trouble starts again because there's so much to say and convey. Finding the right words and the perfect scene to transform those thoughts into words and convey them correctly makes the task challenging...Oh, I didn't mention that I write crime thrillers. Whether or not it helps my husband, who is in the police, it certainly helps me understand various laws and the loopholes within them. It also gives me insight into the current methods and original techniques used by criminals. Don't tell him, but after he falls asleep, I often read his case files to gather ideas for my chapters....It's pretty much an easy method you know and trust me they are interesting....I believe this hobby originated from my mother. Since Shiva was in the police force, she often asked him to recount his case stories as bedtime tales. Additionally, her grandfather would read books to her; initially, she wasn't fond of reading but enjoyed listening. Gradually, her interest in reading developed, leading her to establish her own publication. She adores reading books and takes joy in publishing them...My interest in reading books didn't spark until my college days when I chose to pursue Tamil literature. Our classroom was adjacent to the English literature students, and we often joined together for debates. To gather points and win these arguments, I began reading more books and gradually developed a fondness for them. My journey into writing stories began in Odisha, where I had ample alone time, which initially led to laziness and gloom. Unable to continue my profession as a lecturer, I turned to writing. It was during this time that Agathiyan was grappling with a serious case that had long troubled them. Instead of feeling agitated about my husband's preoccupation with work, I embraced the idea of writing crime thrillers infused with romance. As expected, my first draft was disorganized and jarring—a critique from my brother, who was the CEO of "Thulir Publications."Yeah my name.......or should I say my ammu names me after her publications name , the name 'Thulir'—meaning 'Silence' in Zulu and 'New Saplings' in Tamil—was chosen for its beauty and its resonance with my mother's character. It also rhymed with her name, and thus, her grandfather approved it for the firm.Enough reminiscing. After receiving his feedback, I began anew and gradually improved. And by 'gradually,' I truly mean it. Thuyavan only approved my tenth draft for publication. He didn't even take into account that I am his elder sister; he's quite strict in his professional life. But it runs in the family, so I can't really complain.I never intended to remain an anonymous writer just to gain fame and accumulate wealth. Rather, it's because my savings from my job have nearly depleted, and my mother has ingrained in me the importance of having my own money to spend, regardless of my husband's identity or my family's wealth. Since I couldn't continue with my profession, I've found this side hustle to support myself financially, and it's quite sufficient for my needs.Agathiyan is unaware of my writing, not because I wish to keep it from him, but because I don't feel the necessity to share every aspect of what I do, just as I seldom inquire about his profession. I value my privacy and enjoy being an anonymous writer. It's amusing when I visit Thulir publication and hear people discuss my work with me, not realizing I am the author.Even though this secrecy isn't as thrilling and exciting as the times when Agathiyan and I had to pretend to be enemies in front of others and became desperate lovers in solitude. but its kind of fun tooA lot has changed in my life, in our lives. The dynamics of our relationship, the importance and priorities have all shifted. There's much to complain about, both regarding him and myself. However, I can't fault one aspect: our sex life. He still manages to keep me satisfied. It may not be adventurous or thrilling, but it meets my expectations, which is an achievement in itself compared to other couples' experiences. Being a housewife, especially in the police quarters, does afford more time for gossip. Listening to the other ladies' stories, I sometimes feel overwhelmed and realize that Agathiyan is much better in many ways.However, this does not imply that I condone his neglect or the harsh words he thoughtlessly utters, affecting both me and our daughters. Despite the fact that the women here may regard me as superior and believe I have a successful marriage, I come from a lineage where men do much more and hold their women in the highest esteem. By those standards, Agathiyan now falls short.He badly need some lessons to improve  his standards and that surely won't happen over night....The issue at hand isn't simply between him and me, or a matter of us reaching a conclusion to resolve this problem as if we were at the beginning of a relationship or marriage, where there are no other commitments and responsibilities.I have to first win the argument within myself....it's me vs my many more characteristic and roles There's like one Thulir who is deeply in love with a man, cherishing him dearly. She stands by him, defends him, and sees only his goodness, constantly recalling the things he's done for her in the past. These acts are considered rare in men today—how he cherished her, supported her, and accepted her immediately, even though she had ignored him for five years. He married her to honor her words and not let her down. He has helped her understand the responsibilities and complexities of relationships and family life, and much more. her list goes on and on...There is another Thulir who can now see all the faults in his actions and how he neglects the way his behavior affects the child's nature, how it hurts her, and makes her feel unloved and undervalued. how much he was inconsiderate about her etc.Mother Thulir is currently embodying the "Mother India" persona, aspiring to be the queen of sacrifice. Lately, I've been butting heads with her more often. Her excessive selflessness is something I find overwhelming; it overshadows her other traits. It's as if she's vying for the 'Best Mother, Daughter-in-law, Family Woman' award. It's exasperating—Thulir you need to wake up girl.Again there is this Desperate Thulir who is now suggesting me that to start changing Agathiyan with sex like adding more excitement in sexlife would make things better and make him realize my worth.......You know what I actually like that idea......and trust me sex does helps me to have some clear mind at times.....I And my successful sex life is what still keeps our relationship intact ....you know you can't expect love to be in driving seat of any marriage life all the time it does need to take back seat some times giving the control to lust, respect, responsibilities, Anger, pain etc. at times..Marriage or any relationship can never be 50 -50.........it constantly changes sometimes its 80-20, 40- 60 , 55- 45,10- 90...sometimes 100- 0 tooThe problem worsens when a higher percentage is consistently on one side without deviation, as this can surely lead to the deterioration of a relationship...when I am in bad mode the angry and agitated Thulir take charge and she could only see faults in everything...suddenly when he does something bare minimum also but it makes me feel good the lover girl take the front seat and appreciates his efforts to the fullest than it deserves......the mother Thulir shows up more often when her daughters at picture...The only rational personality within me is the Desperate Thulir, whose thoughts are singularly directed. When she brings him to the mood and he fucks me, she dominates, not allowing the other ladies to even approach the control seat. She ensures her satisfaction at all costs... she's quite demanding, and I find myself liking her at this moment. Like I can only tame this beast of my husband is a flex to be honest...Does this mean I am a woman who shamelessly prioritizes her physical needs, disregarding her heart and mind, and fantasizes about her husband, possibly yielding easily to his advances?like I did in the morning and now actually thinking about asking him another round when he wakes up from the slumber....Then yes I am and I don't care about the judgements I am getting from anyone else.....My mind works only when my body is satisfied and just like how ego and hunger is different this is also different....If you think If I don't let him touch me and gave him cold shoulders can make him realize his mistakes.....sorry to break your bubble that don't happen in real life...If I had done that, it would have likely led to a major argument where we might have said things in the heat of the moment that could never be retracted, furthering the distance between us and certainly not resolving "our case." I repeat our case so don't draw inspiration from my life for yours, because you are not Thulir and Agathiyan.I could have questioned him further and might even have had an emotional breakdown last night over everything that's troubling me, feeling left out and lost... or I could have engaged in a fierce argument... but I know neither of those options would have likely led him to feel as guilty as my single question did...Agathiyan is not a fool or immature egoistic man to not see through what that question and my after silence mean....Today taking leave is also the effect of his guilt and he wants to divert my mind from it and also trying to convince himself that he wasn't at fault.....so everything is happening as per I wished......If I want to make him realize his mistakes I have to do it carefully by actions and simple words not by any sudden volcanic eruption......I do have this question answer session with me at this moment and I am self aware Do I forgave him now  ? nope Does that mean I want to punish him worse? nope Do I bear faults and influence his actions because I failed to stand my ground and remind him of who I am? Yes.is everything messed up ? yes may be but under control ? I don't know Is it possible to bring the change ? gradually yesPlaying blaming games or hide and seek is not going to help now, and I can't blame Agathiyan alone for where our relationship stands.....My series of thoughts was interrupted when he stirred in his sleep and snuggled closer to me.....He was sleeping over me...I am wearing one of his shirts while he was in his shorts with bare upper body and sleeping after long love making session....I ran my fingers inside his hair and he groaned and pressed my waist and snuggled more into my cleavage while his hands move up and cupped my Moulds and squeezing them....Ahhh....I woke up  the beast already....its time to tame him......My desperate wife self is excited and jumping in control seat while my other personalities giving her side eyes Author's Note hmmmHappy friendship day wish from author side through the update 😌😌😌😌Do we need spicy chapters.....I think yesss....Happy Reading 📖📖📖📖📖Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️