Freezing

Xyra's knuckles gripped the side of their sloop with impressive strength, her knuckles were stark white and it was a miracle that the wood did not crack under the pressure of her hands.

It had been four suns since they had returned from their small vacation and she should have realized the peace and calm of those past suns had been too good to be true. She should have known, with Cooker acting far too erratic, that something was amiss. Theo was also uncharacteristically calm, so, Xyra had just chalked it up to something being in the air. She had taken it too easy in the time leading up to their departure, she had let her guard down.

Between the partying at night, the constant haze of being drugged because of the pain from her leg, and her mental and emotional limbo with Navi, she was a bit preoccupied. Xyra should have been focused, should have been alert, should have seen it fucking coming from a thousand yards away. What else had she missed? What else had slipped under view? She was Theo's goddamned first mate, her first and last line of defense and Xyra had royally fucked it up.

Xyra watched as her captain, and the person she had pledged her life to, sailed off into the horizon. What made things worse than just having to send Theo off, Xyra was sending her off with someone who had failed to keep her safe, failed to do the right thing, and failed to rise to her duties. The Scorned Woman was slowly disappearing into the setting sun, having cleared the reef and taking off under the cover of soon-to-be darkness and Theo's safety was no longer in her hands.

The unnamed sloop would take off in the morning and Xyra would be stuck on board with her thoughts until then; unable to do anything to distract herself. She stayed on the deck of the ship until the sun had fallen out of the sky and the Scorned Woman was no longer visible to her eye. She was the only one on the ship, most everyone else had stayed down on the docks to wave off their flagship. A select few, Morgana most notably, had abandoned the farewell party a few minutes into the Scorned Woman sailing off and went to drown their sadness in alcohol.

Xyra pulled herself away from staring at the empty and vast darkness of the ocean and walked to her new quarters on the ship. The captain's quarter. As if the news she had received wasn't enough to make her want to drown herself, there was the fact that she was now considered a captain. Xyra, not Theo, would be the one looked at to make decisions. The fate of some 20 odd women on her ship was Xyra's responsibility now. This was always something she dreaded, she was not meant to be a captain, she did not want to be one.

But this is what needed to happen, this was what Theo had requested of Xyra. Whatever Theo wanted was Xyra's duty to comply with. Her stomach flipped as she thought of Theo. Xyra sat down on the new bed, a bit small and very unfamiliar to her. She wanted to lay down and just go through breathing exercises but the sheets belonged to the previous tenant and she wasn't going to lay in another pirate's filth. Xyra put her face in her hands and leaned her elbows on her knees. Her fingers found their way into her hair and she pulled a bit before letting out a frustrated grunt.

Fucking Cooker.

Fucking liar.

Fucking asshole.

Fuck!

Xyra had had a sour taste in her mouth and a lump in her throat ever since the night before, a constant reminder of the information she had just been made privy to. The night before, the crew had been just about to hit the town for their last evening together when Xyra and Navi had gotten a little sidetracked. Navi had gone shopping with Xyra and was helping her with the bags when Xyra asked her to come into the room to help her put things away. It was an elaborate ruse to get Navi into her room so that she could bring up the possibility of sleeping together. Which went over splendidly.

Navi had been straddling Xyra, peppering kisses down her neck; she and Navi had failed to talk about things like Theo had suggested and instead had moved straight back into what they normally did. Well, they would have been able to get on with their normal activities had Cooker not waltzed in.

"Can I speak with you, Xyra?" Cooker had said, completely ignoring the current situation.

"A bit busy, Cook," Navi mumbled against Xyra's chest then sat up and turned slightly to face Cooker, "she'll find you later."

"Later for you two means right before dawn," Cooker observed, "I just need an hour."

"I just need an hour," Navi replied and fixed Cooker with a look. They were stuck in a staredown.

"I'll find you in a bit," Xyra said, it had been cycles since she and Navi had last split and she just wanted to get laid.

Cooker didn't say anything in response, she just turned around and walked out. Xyra and Navi got what they wanted, a few uninterrupted hours, and then it was Xyra's turn to appease Cooker. Xyra took a while to actually get out of bed and find Cooker, both because her leg had slowed her down and because she didn't exactly know where Cooker had fucked off to. She found her friend on top of a table at a tavern near their ship and with a whistle and a nod of her head, Xyra managed to pull Cooker from the crowd.

"You needed me?" Xyra crossed her arms.

"Aye, we sho-" Cooker hiccuped, "we should go somewhere else. Less public."

"The ship?"

"Fine by me," Cooker walked out ahead of Xyra and held the door open for the first mate.

Cooker was drunk and Xyra felt annoyance bubble in her chest, Cooker was impossible to have a conversation with when drunk. What was the point of requesting an audience if she was just going to waste Xyra's time by being drunk? Once they arrived at the ship, Xyra led them to her room. It was slightly bigger and much less messy than Cooker's room, which usually looked like a waterspout had run through it. Xyra walked in last and shut the door.

Cooker stumbled once she got into the room and knocked over a chair with some items piled on top. Xyra rolled her eyes and reached out to grab Cooker by the coat, stabilizing her.

"You're fucked up," Xyra pointed out.

"Astute observation," Cooker huffed and then tugged herself loose from Xyra before sitting on her bed.

"What did you need, Cook?" Xyra sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Drunk Cooker was nothing new but it never ceased to irritate the shit out of her.

Cooker opened her mouth as if to say what was on her mind but she froze and no words came out. Xyra stood across from a sitting Cooker, leaning heavily on her crutch. Concern began to creep into her chest, cold shivers were sent down her spine. Cooker looked scared, she looked on the verge of tears. This wasn't just some random Cooker thing, this seemed serious.

"Cook," Xyra took a step forward, her crutch moving forward with her, "what is it? You're scaring me."

"You have to promise not to freak out, okay? Like, you can't get upset," Cooker hiccuped again and Xyra could have sworn she was about to cry, "keep a cool head and all that."

"You know I cannot just promise something like that."

"At least listen," Cooker met Xyra's concerned gaze, "just listen, please."

"Aye, I can listen" Xyra nodded but she was met with silence, "I'm listening, Cook."

"When you look into Ava's past, you'll find that she doesn't exist," Cooker's eyes were glued to the ground.

It was like Xyra had gotten dunked into the freezing water that kept the ship afloat.

"Excuse me?"

"Ava Ableworth isn't a real person. She is made up," Cooker looked up and Xyra could see her swallow, a nervous look in her eyes.

Xyra couldn't explain the emotions that went through her head in the split second after Cooker spoke. Panic, confusion, outrage. Xyra took another step forward, trapping Cooker between the bed and her looming body. What was going on? Xyra wanted to lean down and level with Cooker but her leg wouldn't allow her to.

"Why would Red lie about who she is?"

"Because she is Avery Vaith," Cooker said and Xyra felt like a cannonball had crashed straight into her.

She felt disoriented like she was in a dream. Maybe it was a dream. Everything that had happened that sun had been a bit odd. She and Navi had slept together, earlier in the sun she found a coat made of rare silk that she had been trying to purchase for ages, and now this. It all seemed very dreamlike. How could someone tell if they were in a dream? How did someone wake up from one? Xyra spared a quick glance around the room to see if anything was amiss, if anything could tip her off as to the reality of her current state of being.

"Xy?" Cooker stood up, her chest coming only inches from Xyra's.

"I could have sworn you said she was Avery Vaith," Xyra laughed a bit, incredulous was far too understated of a word to explain what Xyra was feeling. Avery Vaith was dead. They had gotten the news. Avery Vaith was dead, she had not managed to secure an elite position on their ship. Avery Vaith was dead, Xyra had not accidentally befriended a fucking Vaith. Avery Vaith was dead, there was no way Theo had feelings for Umbar Vaith's daughter.

"Xy..."

"Say you're just fucking with me, Cooker," Xyra shook her head, "say it's not true."

Cooker didn't answer and Xyra didn't know what else to do so she shoved the other girl, causing Cooker to fall back onto the bed.

"I wish I could say I was joking Xy!" Cooker said, "But I can't...She is Avery Vaith."

Xyra could do nothing but blink slowly, calmly and take a few deep breaths. She clenched her fists and dug her fingernails into her palms, it had to be a dream. It had to be. There was nothing that could have prepared her for the name that Cooker was uttering. She didn't believe it. She couldn't believe it.

"How long have you known?" Xyra asked, her voice was calm but it didn't match the panic that was inside of her. Cooker didn't answer, she just shifted off the bed and came to stand next to Xyra. Xyra reached out and grabbed Cooker by the collar of her coat. Xyra's calm demeanor was gone and she was growing angry, "How long have you known?!"

"A while," Cooker whispered, getting slowly picked up by Xyra until only her toes were supporting her.

Xyra jostled the coat, shaking up Cooker too, "How long?"

"I figured it out around a cycle after she came onto the ship," Cooker admitted.

Xyra let go of Cooker's coat, in shock. It was like it burned her, she held her arm close to her and recoiled from Cooker's presence. Cooker had fallen onto the floor and in her drunk state struggled to get up. Xyra wished at that moment that she had the ability to faint. She would have become a religious woman if it meant the gods would have given her the ability to do so on command. The world going black and her napping for a little bit seemed like a very attractive option at the moment.

Perplexity. Confusion. Bewilderment. All of those thoughts gave way to a wave of rage. The moment Cooker stood back up, she was back in Xyra's grasp; a large hand gripping Cooker's collar and tugging her close. Xyra dropped the crutch that was in one hand and she swiftly reached for her belt to pull a dagger from it. So quickly that if one blinked, they would miss it. Without warning, the cold blade of her dagger pressed itself against Cooker's neck and Xyra watched as her throat moved against it, swallowing past the nerves. Cooker's eyes searched Xyra's face to see if there was any intention of harming her but Xyra gave nothing away.

"She has been on the ship for half a fucking length!" Xyra yelled and the blade pressed closer into Cooker's skin, threatening to slice it open with one wrong breath.

"Xy! Calm down," Cooker struggled against Xyra's grip, trying to get away from the blade, "I can explain."

"You are a fucking rat," Xyra spat and held her firmly in place, "you and her are working together for The fucking Center."

Cooker brought her hands up to wrap around Xyra's wrist, keeping the dagger from pressing further into her, "I'm not a rat, Xyrabellis. You know that."

"You better have a damn good explanation for this," Xyra gritted out through bared teeth, "because I am about to gut you and throw you off the side of the fucking ship."

"I would appreciate it if we could sit down and put away the knives before I continue," Cooker said.

"You don't get to make the demands right now," Xyra didn't move an inch.

"Xy, you have every right to be angry but remove the blade from my throat or I'm not talking," Cooker was standing her ground but her tone was not snappy or rude, she was trying to deescalate the situation.

Xyra removed her dagger from its place and sheathed it. She brought Cooker closer to her slightly and her grip on the coat's collar tightened. She felt the need to slap Cooker, to punch her, to scream at her. What the fuck had Cooker gotten them into. Her upper lip curled, her upper teeth showing and her jaw was stiff and tight. Her lividness was showing through her expression and she could tell Cooker was nervous. Good. Xyra pushed Cooker away from her and let go of her grip on the advisor. She wanted to run out of the cabin and go to tell Theo, or confront the quartermaster, or both. But her need to hear out Cooker won, maybe there was a reasonable explanation, highly unlikely, but she truly wished there was. She had promised to listen, afterall. So, against her better judgment she stayed.

"What would posses you to keep this from us?" Xyra asked, barely able to bring herself to look into Cooker's direction.

"At first, I thought she would get off a few stops after getting on," Cooker took a few steps back from where she had stumbled to, putting distance between her and Xyra, "If I had said something, I was afraid Navi or Theo or someone would blow it out of proportion. I figured if she was only going to be around for a cycle or so, I should let her be. A ripple in the vast ocean. I felt bad for her."

"You felt bad for a Vaith?" Xyra scoffed, "What was there to feel bad about? That she had everything handed to her in life? That she had to run away from mommy and daddy and live in the real fucking world?"

"Xyra, I was in her shoes once," Cooker reminded, "I knew nothing when I ran. I had nothing. I was alone in a new world and she was no different. Vaith or not, she deserved at least a fighting chance."

"And when you figured out she was staying? What's your lame excuse for not spilling?"

"When I found out she planned on becoming a pirate I told her she would have to come clean eventually," Cooker attempted to defend her actions but she was doing a lousy job at pleading her case, Xyra's anger was not ebbing, "I told her to solidify her place on the ship, maybe become a pirate, and then admit to who she was once the girls saw that she wasn't a threat."

"She became pirate and a quartermaster soon after Alenroux," Xyra noted with a raise to her eyebrow, "it's been an awful long time since then."

"There was too much going on at the time. Pika and Bari had us grieving- and surviving an unknown enemy took a lot of our focus. I barely thought about it," Cooker said and Xyra almost combusted at the statement. Cooker realized how nonchalant it sounded and she tried to backtrack, "I just mean, she was just so ingrained in our crew I forgot who she actually was most of the time. She is a pirate now, she is no longer defined by where she came from I just figured that with everything going on, it would not do us much good to distract the crew with that revelation."

"From the very beginning, you didn't think we could use the information she had on the Vaiths? You didn't think that would do us any good?" Xyra pressed, she was not going to stop questioning Cooker's logic or excuses.

"She knows nothing. Red isn't faking it when she acts clueless. We know more about her family and how they work than she does, Xyra, she couldn't have helped us," Cooker pleaded her case.

"We could have used her. She is a bargaining chip," Xyra pushed her hair back, "She's a fucking Vaith. That is priceless."

"That kind of thinking is why I decided to say nothing," Cooker shook her head and took a step towards Xyra, "we are not in the business of using victims of the system for our gain."

"Victim?" Xyra scoffed, "for all we know, she's the fucking rat. She has access to Theo, to our girls, to our records, and she knows things about our Captain that no one else does. Are you fucking stupid?"

"She's not a rat!" Cooker raised her voice for the first time since the conversation started, she had no right to be frustrated but she was, "I've been watching her. Making sure."

"Forgive me if I don't have full confidence in your observational abilities," Xyra stepped forward, her crutch echoing across the wood, "it was you who didn't see the obvious fact that they were sleeping with each other, afterall."

"They weren't supposed to sleep together," Cooker said.

"Ah, but they did," Xyra took another step forward but Cooker matched it with her own step back, "so are you going to try and use the excuse that it would have been different if you had known? That you would have told Theo sooner?"

"Aye," Cooker crossed her arms, chest puffed out, "because Ava wasn't supposed to sleep with her. They weren't supposed to be romantically involved. It added a new layer to things."

"You allowed the daughter of Umbar Vaith to infiltrate our ranks, be in charge of our crew, establish herself as a crucial member of this ship, and not to mention, allow her to set foot in Corinspe" Xyra recounted, "but you think that her sleeping with Theo is where the line should have been drawn? You should have fucking told us!"

"Like you told me about Vaith sailing to Dove Island?"

The air in the room had been sucked out and Xyra stared straight at Cooker, gazing into her soul. The hairs on Xyra's arms raised and she was almost too shocked to say anything. More so than when Cooker had come clean minutes before.

"Is that what this was all about?" Xyra asked, her tone dry and laced with pure loathing, "the damage you are about to cause to our crew and your captain was because you wanted to be petty?"

"No," Cooker shook her head, panicked, like she didn't mean for her previous question to leave her lips, "I mean at first, I thought about it like that. You had kept things from me because of how you thought I would react. I was simply doing the same. But I never thought they would get so close, that they would sleep together. It was never meant to hurt Theo."

"It was always going to hurt Theo!" Xyra yelled and she felt like lunging at Cooker, her leg was the only thing keeping her from doing so. It didn't matter if they hadn't slept together at all, Cooker had allowed Theo to befriend Ava, "Red's father killed her fucking parents, Cook."

"She wasn't supposed to sleep with Theo," Cooker simply repeated, softer this time. As if the excuse had lost its meaning as she contended with the gravity of the situation.

"She is not the one to blame here," Xyra closed the gap between her and Cooker and kept walking so that Cooker was forced to back up into the wall, "If she is truly as lost as she presents herself then you are the one to blame for this. If she was truly as clueless as you claim she is, then she would have been scared shitless to come forward. It was your job to get her to"

Cooker held out her hands and they pushed against Xyra's chest to stop her from getting any closer, keeping her an arm's length away. Xyra swatted Cooker's hands away with her crutch and brought her face within inches of Cooker's.

"It was your" Xyra pressed her finger against Cooker's chest, "responsibility to tell us. It was your duty that you failed to complete. It was your choice to keep silent that has gotten us here. And it was your inability to get over your grudges that has led you to be a duplicitous fucking traitor."

"Fuck, Xyrabellis, quit it!" Cooker finally snapped, Xyra was waiting for it. It was the least she could do to calm the seething anger she felt inside. Cooker had a hard time taking criticism and admitting to error. Xyra, admittedly, was piling on the name calling and the shame in order to hurt Cooker and Cooker probably knew it, "What now? If you are the fucking wise one."

Xyra said and backed away from Cooker, allowing a bit of room to breath, "First, you tell me everything, from the beginning,"

And so Cooker did. From the moment she realized who Ava was to the moment that she realized that she was going to have to keep it from Theo. Cooker tried to defend herself and her actions throughout her recap of the last half of a length but even she didn't seem convinced by her own justifications. Xyra's anger and disbelief did not show any signs of slowing down, it only increased every time Cooker explained something else. Cooker had told Xyra that once she found out about Theo's relationship to the quartermaster, that she didn't think they would ever be able to come forward with the truth. She explained that she would have continued with that plan had Xyra not suggested an investigation to confirm Ava's stories of her past and Xyra had to restrain herself from pulling a Fletching and breaking Cooker's limbs.

"I genuinely don't know what to do Xy," Cooker admitted and put her head in her hands, sitting on the edge of the bed as she finished her tale.

"She will come clean when all of this is over. Once we have uncovered what we need to and this whole pirate hunting debacle blows over, she will admit the truth to who she is. As will you," Xyra was leaning against her desk, eyes fixed on Cooker and arms tightly crossed over her chest, "and you should come up with better fucking excuses than the ones you gave me because when you go to trial - and you will be going to trial- you're going to have to do a lot better than that to keep yourself on the crew."

"You're not going to tell Theo?" Cooker looked shocked.

"Not yet," Xyra really wished she could, she didn't want to keep this a secret but there was no other choice, "we need Theo at full capacity if we are going to face The Center and come out alive. If Viv was an arrow to her chest, this would be a fucking handcannon. I cannot predict how she will react and that is not something that we can afford right now."

"You won't be in the clear with her if we wait," Cooker pointed out and Xyra's nostrils flared.

"Worry about yourself," Xyra spat back.

She was overwhelmed and needed some time to herself. Xyra should have been spending the night with Theo, their final night together and but Xyra was unsure if she could even face her captain. She spared a glance at Cooker who was already looking at her and Xyra's heart panged. As much as she was angry, she was also hurt, and sad that something this big had to come between her and her friend. Xyra wanted to do what she was so used to doing, going over to comfort Cooker; telling her they would get through this together. But that simply wasn't the truth. Things wouldn't be the same if they told Theo, when they told Theo. Xyra took a deep breath and repeated it to herself, when they told Theo not if. She pushed those thoughts out of her mind, the end of this war on pirates was their main concern and it was likely to go on for several more cycles. Until this was over, nothing else could matter. Xyra moved away from the desk and slowly made her way to the door. She was done with the conversation.

"Where are you going?" Cooker stood up.

"Getting the fuck away from you," Xyra was already in the doorway when she stopped and glanced back, "make sure you don't tell Avery that I know."

Xyra stood up from the nasty bed and took her frustration and despair on the sheets. She tried her best to take them off calmly but with limited mobility and a large bed, there was no option but to rip at them. The sheets were easily ripped off the bed once Xyra put some force into it, the sound of them tearing apart reverberated around the room and it helped Xyra feel a bit better. But the creeping feeling of regret at not coming forward before Theo left was clawing back in and she let out a controlled scream. Xyra pulled at the sheets in her hands, further breaking them apart.

There was another bubble of regret forming in her stomach, one that made her want to empty out her dinner over the side of the ship. Xyra felt like crying, which was a rare occasion for her. The unfamiliar feeling caught up with her quickly and soon she was practically gasping for breath as the panic set in. It had been a while since she had one of these episodes. It had been a while since she had felt the attack on her airways and the pressure in her head. Different healers had different names for it but pirates just called it freezing up. The inability to do anything but fight through tears and rushed breaths, battling through a million thoughts at once. Xyra was forced to sit back down on the bare bed and ground herself.

The reason she made sure she was in control of situations was to avoid freezing up, to avoid having to feel like she did at that moment. The last time she had one of these attacks was over a length ago and she had both Cooker and Theo there to help her, now she had no one. Soon, she would have no one left for good. She had turned Cooker against her and Theo would soon do so too. Not only had she let Theo leave without saying anything, practically guaranteeing herself a trial right after Cooker, but she had also let Cooker leave on a sour note. Xyra wanted to push the memory out of her head but it kept playing on a loop in her head, taunting her.

Xyra had been in her room packing right before the ship was due to leave. She had been busy for most of the sun and only had a small window of time to pack up what she needed and transfer it to the new ship. Xyra had already said goodbye to most everyone on the crew except for Theo and Cooker. Theo was still running around and Xyra was sure they would catch each other at some point before they sailed off but she had no plans on finding Cooker. Cooker felt differently and she came to Xyra's cabin as it was being packed up.

"Xyra, we are set to leave soon," Cooker stood at the doorway.

"Obviously," Xyra stuffed a shirt aggressively into one of the bags.

"I just came to say goodbye."

"Goodbye," Xyra replied, not even sparing a glance over at the other girl.

Cooker took a few steps into the room, "Xy, we can't leave it like this. I may never see you again."

Xyra's packing stopped and she felt uneasy. Cooker was right but Xyra was so, so angry. So hurt. So betrayed. Still, she turned around and faced Cooker.

"What do you suggest we do, then?" Xyra's expression was devoid of any emotions.

"I don't know," Cooker stood in the middle of the room, awkwardly shifting her feet, "hug?"

Letting her heart get the best of her, Xyra opened her arms just slightly, enough to signal to Cooker that it was okay to come closer. Cooker walked over to Xyra and wrapped her arms around the taller woman, pulling her into a hug. It took Xyra a few seconds before she reciprocated, bringing her arms down to wrap them around Cooker. She felt Cooker relax into her embrace and for a moment she let herself do it too, relishing in the last moments she would get with her best friend.

"I fucked up but I can't lose you, Xyrabellis," Cooker mumbled into Xyra's chest, "I hope you can forgive me, eventually."

"I hope that when you look at Theo for the next three cycles, all you feel is regret and shame, "Xyra released her hold on Cooker, "let go of your expectations, there is no forgiveness in your future."

Cooker quickly let go of Xyra and backed away slightly; her face was twisted up in pain like what Xyra had said had truly hurt. It was Xyra's intention to make her words sting, but she still felt guilty. Xyra's intention had been to stun, to shock and she had achieved that. So if that was her goal, why did it hurt as well. Xyra had gotten into fights with Cooker before but she usually refrained from damaging her with words. Cooker shook her head in disbelief at the callousness shown and she walked out of the room but not before getting a final word in.

"And I hope you can live with yourself if those were the final words you said to me."

Cooker's voice carried hints of sorrow, not anger and the memory of Cooker's statement was enough to send Xyra into another wave of panic, of shortness of breath, of tears that threatened to fall but never did. Xyra wished she would have kept the malicious comments to herself. She wished she could go back in time and just hug Cooker and shut up. Xyra found it harder and harder to breathe and there was a deep desolation in her chest. She wanted to lay on the floor and allow the cool wood to shock her senses but she would need help to get up and she had no one.

She had no one. Theo was gone. Cooker was gone. Red wasn't who she claimed to be. She had no one.

She felt so out of control, like the reigns she was so used to holding were barely out of reach. Like her fingertips could brush the leather but not quite grasp it and every second that passed, it slipped further and further away. Xyra attempted to put an end to the whirlwind inside her head but that attempt failed. All she could think about was the possibility that the Scorned Woman would not return, which she could not control. All she could think about was the potential harm that could come to her friends, which she could not control. All she could think about were the potential obstacles she could face as captain, which she could not control. The whole thing with Red, out of her control. Whatever the fuck was happening with her and Navi, out of her control.

Her pent-up tears clouded her vision and her hand was gripping at her chest as if that would suddenly result in proper airflow. She began to curl in on herself, unable to pace around and unable to lay down. That is how she was found, head buried in her arms and taking ragged breaths. Xyra heard the door open followed by some footsteps and then hands on her back, rubbing. She flinched at the touch, no one was supposed to see her like this. This wasn't something she showed to anyone.

"Xy," a voice called out, thick with concern, "what's wrong?"

It was Navi and Xyra's initial reaction was to be relieved, it was a voice she loved hearing. But Xyra hated being like this in front of Navi. She felt embarrassed, she felt weak. Xyra tried to pull herself together, to pull away from Navi and stand up on her own but her body wasn't budging. She wasn't moving, she couldn't move.

"Oi, let's lay you down," Navi said, adopting a gentle tone. She attempted to set Xyra back on the bed but she was met with resistance.

"I can't!" Xyra was finally able to pull her head out of her arms long enough to shake her head frantically, "I can't. I can't."

Navi looked back at the bed and realized the issue. Xyra was anal when it came to where she slept. She refused to sleep or lay on anything that was not provided by her or someone she knew. Xyra would even bring her own linens to taverns and inns they would stay at, to avoid sleeping on the ones provided. An empty bed with someone else's sweat on it would not do, there was nowhere to lay back. Navi left the room and Xyra was afraid she had scared her off, that she was being irrational. Xyra's hands shook and she felt herself slipping deeper into a panic, she was all alone.

Xyra's head snapped up when she heard wood creaking and she saw Navi drag a chair over to the bed. Navi, with caution, helped Xyra up and transferred her to the chair. She knelt down, bringing Xyra's hands into her own.

"What do you need?" Navi asked, running her thumb along the back of Xyra's hand. Xyra's eyes caught with Navi's and she shook her head, she didn't know, "would it be okay if I made the bed?"

Xyra could do nothing but swallow past the lump in her throat and nod a little. It felt like so much effort to sit up straight and watch what Navi was doing so Xyra retreated back into herself, trying her best to calm herself down. It failed, like most things she did. She was a failure who had defaulted on her one true duty of protecting her captain. She had let Theo sail off without telling her.

"I need you to breathe with me," Navi had walked back over and began to help Xyra unclench from around herself.

"I can't," Xyra choked out, trying to break the curse that was settling over her.

"I know," Navi said, "but you're freezing up and to get out of it we need to breathe. Right?"

Xyra nodded slowly, she knew she had to. She just couldn't do it, "I don't know how. I can't breathe."

Navi took Xyra's hand and placed it on her own chest, "If you don't know how, that is fine. Follow me, alright?"

Xyra nodded and Navi began to breathe in. Xyra did not follow her lead; short, sporadic breaths were heard coming from Xyra.

"Xy, in for five seconds then hold," Navi explained and tried again, this time getting Xyra to follow along with her. They were holding together and when Navi exhaled slowly, Xyra got the hint and did so as well.

Slowly, with patience and care, Navi managed to get Xyra back to a regular breathing pattern. Xyra felt the panic and the tension in her body slowly begin to fade, the thoughts were still there just muted and easier to handle. Xyra looked around and took in the room around her, orienting herself once again. Looking over to the door, it was locked. Navi had made sure that no one else would come in to bother them. The bed was made, Xyra's favorite sheets not so neatly tucked into the mattress. She then looked at Navi, kneeling in front of the chair and looking up hopefully at Xyra.

"Do you want to lay down now?" Navi asked and stood up, offering her hand.

Xyra took it and stood up. She moved over to the bed and laid back on it. Her hands came to rest on her stomach and she couldn't bring herself to say anything. There was nothing to say and if a conversation started, Xyra was afraid she was going to have to answer questions. She wasn't confident that a round of interrogation wouldn't send her back into a spiral. Luckily for her, Navi had no questions. Xyra felt the bed dip next to her and felt the warmth from Navi touching her side. They laid like that, in silence, for a long time.

"I'm sleepy," Xyra spoke up after a while, her eyelids becoming heavy and the strain put on her body was catching up to her.

"Want me to stay?" Navi asked and turned her head to face Xyra.

"Please," Xyra whispered and Navi needed no further instruction.

The sailor turned and wrapped an arm around Xyra's torso, cuddling close. Xyra was almost tempted to ask why. Why had Navi stayed with her all those suns in the infirmary? Why had she come and helped Xyra through her episode? Why did she offer to stay? Why had their time the night before been so intimate, so personal? She wanted to ask but she was afraid the answer would not be to her liking. She was afraid the answer would not be that Navi cared about her the same way Xyra cared for Navi. But even with all of the questions, she refrained. Navi was the only one keeping her from being alone at that moment and she didn't want to jeopardize that by scaring her off.

So instead of asking, Xyra just pressed a kiss to Navi's forehead and closed her eyes. Allowing the emotional exhaustion from the day escort her into sleep.

-----------------------

Usually, Xyra enjoyed the constant scenery of blue. Usually, being on the water was her favorite pastime. But what usually calmed her down now brought nothing but a constant buzz of anxiety. It was ever-present but its growth was not linear. Some suns it barely crossed her mind, the hanging secret, but others it was all she thought about. Over the 10 suns they had been voyaging, she had to work closely with Ava. Avery. Fuck, she didn't even know which to use. Over the past ten suns of working with Red, she had begun to feel torn. There were brief moments where for a second Xyra forgot who her quartermaster truly was. She wasn't a Vaith, she was just a girl on their crew. But then eventually the realization would come creeping back in and dread settled into her bones.

Xyra observed her closely throughout their time at sea, waiting for the right time to pounce. She wasn't even sure if there was a right time and if there was, what would Xyra even say? She thought maybe she would wait until she had caught Red in a trap, one where it was clear that spying has been involved but that moment never came. Xyra had been closely watching her quartermaster, analyzing almost her every move. She even left out important documents on her desk that had been translated into Common every time Red was in there, hoping to catch her stealing. There was nothing, nothing to suggest that she was working for others. Nothing to suggest she wasn't genuinely enjoying her life as a crew member aboard the ship. Nothing to suggest that Xyra should come clean about who Red really was, everything pointed Xyra in the direction of keeping Red's true identity secret; just like Cooker had.

But those thoughts were fleeting. There was no realm in which Xyra could keep this from Theo, no matter how innocent Red actually was in the grand scheme of things and no matter how much Theo cared about her new lover. Xyra might have presented herself to the world as cold, calculating, and heartless but she had feelings too. She did hurt when she thought of the fact that Red wanted nothing but to move on to a better life. None of that mattered though, it was her duty to protect her crew and Red was a liar.

There were three nights left until they were at their first destination, a small island in Aeliz, and it was one of those suns where Avery and Theo and Cooker were all she could think about. She had been avoiding Red all day. Pearl had been feeling a little sick so Xyra covered her duties for the sun, leaving her without a large need to interact with Red. Xyra was even planning to skip out on dinner in favor of preparing for their blitz of dockings they were soon to experience. After their first port of call, they were set for nonstop traveling from island to island. A different port every sun and Xyra had to make sure everything was going flawlessly.

In order for everything to go flawlessly though, she needed a good team by her side. She would need Morgana, Red, Navi, and Pearl to all do their parts if they were going to get everything they needed and make it back to the rendezvous point on time, and safely. Xyra couldn't work with Red without the girl at least knowing that her identity had been revealed. It felt deceitful and it made her feel gross. If there was one less lie she had to tell, one less facade, then she would take the necessary measures. She would have to talk it out with Ava.

Xyra's stomach grumbled, stress always made her hungry, which is exactly why there was nothing to eat in her room; she had eaten all of her snacks. She had been stressed about many things but most of all, how the fuck to talk to Red. There was no time to think about eating, she had to map out their conversation. Xyra rummaged through her papers to find a scrap one and she began to write out points she wanted to ask, what she needed to know. The conversation had to be intentional, it had to be firm, it had to be threatening.

Xyra could be threatening. She felt the inside of her drawer call to her, a homing instinct drew her in. Her tools. Xyra could resort to her good friend, torture. There wasn't much that Xyra would get out of the quartermaster that she didn't already know. But, if she was a rat sent by the nobles, she likely wouldn't crack under pressure. It was the reaction to the promise of torture itself that Xyra wanted to gauge. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, there were other methods and other ways to get a final evaluation for whether the Vaith was a spy or not. She wouldn't resort to even the threat of torture, it seemed excessive.

Xyra was four questions into her list when Navi walked through the door. She made her way over behind Xyra's chair with a hop to her step, "C'mon. Dinner time, let's go before they ring the bell and the line gets too long."

"Not doing dinner. I have too much to work on," Xyra barely spared a glance back at Navi.

"Mm, as default healer I should probably advise you to eat," Navi leaned over the back over Xyra's chair and snaked her hands down Xyra's chest, "but I doubt you'll listen to me."

"Default healer?" Xyra stopped writing as she felt hands trail down her chest.

"Aye, Tuni sent me off with specific instructions to make sure you are taking care of yourself."

"She didn't make you the healer for the ship though, right?" Xyra was just making sure she didn't fill out her ship roster incorrectly. The last time someone had a job they weren't supposed to, they died.

"No, that is a title I appointed to myself," Navi admitted, "one I wear proudly."

"Well, I do not mean to meddle in your dreams but I'm going to revoke that title. There is another healer on this ship," Xyra made it clear, even as a joke disorder made her uneasy.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Navi teased.

Xyra huffed and shrugged her shoulders, shaking Navi off of her, "I am not the captain."

Xyra felt her chair being dragged back and Navi maneuvered her long limbs until she was sitting in Xyra's lap, minding the injured leg. Xyra's annoyance was clear on her face but even then, she was at half of her threshold of being annoyed; her ire automatically reduced in Navi's presence.

"I have to work," Xyra supported Navi's torso up with one arm but held up her quill in the other.

"You can drop your duties for an hour to come eat with your crew," Navi urged, "you must eat and regain your strength."

"I swear Fortune's spirit just possessed you and spoke through you," Xyra cracked a smile but it didn't reach her cheeks, it was half-assed and there wasn't effort behind her words. Most of the conversation had been like that.

"Then my strategy is working."

"Strategy?"

"I ask myself, what would Tuni say and emulate that," Navi laughed a bit and cupped Xyra's cheek. Xyra could tell Navi was trying to coax her into relaxing but not even that could get her to shake the tension present in every ligament in her body.

Xyra gave a stifled laugh and a hum, "Thanks for the visit. You're always a breath of fresh air but you should get going before the dinner bell rings."

Navi didn't move. Xyra looked up at the woman in her lap just to be met with an unimpressed stare and raised eyebrows.

"I need to work, please get off, Nav," Xyra let out a small sigh, trying to convey her rush to get back to what she was doing.

"You're doing that thing you do," Navi pointed out and reached another hand up to Xyra's face so her face was firmly in between Navi's hands and forced to look up.

"What thing?" Xyra muttered out between slightly squished cheeks.

"Piling yourself with work and responsibilities to avoid even a single thought from forming," Navi explained and when Xyra went to respond, a hand slipped over her mouth, "you're detached, spiraling. Right at the beginning of this trip, you froze up. What's going on? Talk to me."

Xyra was floored at the way Navi was approaching the situation. Xyra had assumed that when Navi had gotten in her lap it was to initiate something intimate but instead she was trying to be vigilant of Xyra's emotions and talk through them. Navi hated emotions, more so than any pirate she had ever seen. Xyra, to her own extent, also hated them which is why they always crashed and burned instead of lasting. The passion they had for each other became explosive when it was bottled up with no outlet for the negative. This was different and Xyra didn't know how to react.

"It's nothing," Xyra said but she didn't even think she could convince a naive child of that.

"I know Theo and Cook not being here and getting your own ship has put a lot of stress on you," Navi slowly released Xyra's face from her hands once she realized the sitting girl would not break eye contact, "but is there something else? I can't put a finger on it but you seem distant. In your own world."

"You almost sound worried for me," Xyra said with a hint of smugness.

"I am worried about what's going on with you," Navi deadpanned, "I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine," Xyra said but Navi got no reassurance from it. Xyra more than anything wanted to let the person she liked into the loop but Navi, of all people on the current ship, would have reacted the worst to the news, "there is something that I can't talk about just yet that has been on my mind."

"Ooo," Navi gawked, "secret first mate business, do tell."

"I really can't, Nav," Xyra sighed, she really wanted to, "I'm sorry."

"Nah, you're good," Navi shrugged then wiggled her hips a bit, "plus I think it's hot. Angsty, under a constant burden of responsibility and secretive? You know how to rile me up."

Xyra actually let out a loud and genuine laugh, "If that is all it takes to get you going, it's no surprise you're always ready."

"Oof, and a woman who knows how to make fun of herself," Navi leaned in and pecked Xyra's lips, "right up my alley."

Navi came back for another peck but when she was pulling away, Xyra brought her back in for a longer kiss. It didn't go further than that because Xyra's stomach rumbled. Navi pulled away with a satisfied smirk on her face and Xyra rolled her eyes at her body's betrayal.

"You're hungry," Navi stated and climbed off of Xyra and her chair, "I'm running down to the kitchen and bringing us up some grub. Papers off your desk and ready to eat by the time I get back here."

Navi backed up towards the door and motioned to the desk to inspire Xyra to start on what she was tasked with. Xyra didn't start though, she just watched Navi slowly back away. A dull warmth started in her stomach and spread to her chest. Her cheeks were beginning to heat up too and she realized she was blushing. Navi cared and Xyra wanted her to keep caring, to keep coming back to Xyra. She wanted Navi to be hers, truly hers but that was a lofty goal to have.

Navi had others and Xyra couldn't handle that. It was no secret that Navi had problems with monogamy and Xyra did not, it wouldn't work. She had never asked Navi to drop anyone for her and she never would, it was a boundary that Navi had been clear to set in the past and Xyra wanted to respect that. Plus, even if Navi did agree to only be with Xyra it would be something she was told to do, not something she wanted to.

Xyra was fine with this weird sleeping together but not really being together ordeal they had been having for lengths. Coming up to Corinspe, Xyra had a crisis with the fact that someone would be waiting on shore for Navi so she had ended things. But since then, that line of thinking had been retired and Xyra just wanted Navi in any way she could. At the moment though, it was for the best that Navi had someone serious offshore and a relationship between them was not a possibility. Xyra was keeping from her the fact that Avery Vaith was on the crew with them and was regularly interacting with Navi.

Lord Vaith had ordered the execution and sequestration of the men in Navi's town and she had been hellbent on revenge ever since. There was not only guilt in Xyra's heart because of the effect of the secret on Theo but on Navi too. Xyra didn't even want to think about her relationship to Navi once the secret was out. Maybe she would be wise to cut if off before anyone got too hurt or invested. Or she could rip a page out of Cooker's book and be selfish, sleep with Navi and enjoy her company until the news broke.

Her strategizing came to a halt as Navi returned through the threshold with arms and hands full. Two plates, cups, and a basket of stale biscuits. Xyra's stomach grumbled at the sight of the food but she knew that actually eating it would not be that appetizing. Not only were they low on spices and certain cooking rations, but the new girl in the kitchen also wasn't up to par with Rose. Which makes sense given that Rose had been cooking for at least a classification and a half, the new girl was not used to cooking for over 20 people at once, and Rose did not allow anybody to be trained under her. All of it was a combination that resulted in mediocre food.

Navi stopped in front of the still cluttered desk and gave Xyra a look, a scolding one.

"Sorry," Xyra muttered as she quickly began to stack papers and clear room for Navi to set the stuff down.

Navi made sure everything was put securely on the desk before she pulled a chair over and sat down. Navi leaned back in the chair and lifted her shirt slightly as her hand plunged into the waistband of her pants. Xyra watched as her hand trailed to the middle of her baggy pants and when she pulled it back out, a clear bottle with orange liquid was inside her grasp.

"I figured night ten of bland food was the right time to break this out," Navi handed the bottle over to Xyra, "shipped straight from Dricaster to Gossem. I've had it since then."

Xyra took the bottle that was offered to her without a word, her mouth slightly ajar. Kaer sauce was a tangy, spicy sauce that was common to the capital city of Nefriti and its surrounding areas. Xyra had been a small child when she lived at home but the sauce brought back great memories. She had eaten some the last time she had visited home, when Cooker had accompanied her from Piril, but hadn't even thought to bring some with her.

"It's corked and sealed," Xyra pointed out that it was a new bottle and tried to hand it back to Navi.

"No, you go ahead. It only feels right that a Nefritian opens a Nefritian delicacy," Navi waved the bottle away.

"As if you were not born two towns away from the border," Xyra chuckled but did as she was asked and broke open the seal that kept the top shut. Xyra pulled the cork off with a resounding 'pop' and she was instantly hit with the strong smell of the kaer; her stomach lurched in anticipation. Xyra had the sudden urge to start crying. Like the nostalgia of the smell was enough to send her over the edge.

She didn't, she held it in. Instead, she blinked quickly to keep tears from coming and began to put sauce on her food. Navi had most likely bought it for herself but here she was opening with Xyra and allowing the first mate to have some. Kaer sauce was rare to find anywhere outside of the east of Nefriti. Navi was most likely saving it and had been for at least a few cycles, but she had chosen to share it with Xyra.

Xyra had to be mindful to not use too much. Kaer made food better but it wasn't a miracle worker, the food on their plate was not worth using too much sauce on. There were more worthy dishes to save the sauce for. Even with rationing in mind, Xyra shamelessly put a few drops on her palm and licked it off as she handed the bottle to Navi. Navi laughed at her, which was expected, and then did the same thing.

Navi moaned as the sauce hit her tongue, "Oh fuck that's so good."

"You said I was the only one that could make you make those sounds," Xyra teased, a smile crept up, an actual one, "I bet you say that to everyone you sleep with."

Navi laughed, "You get one drop of kaer in you and you go crazy."

Navi began to pour the sauce over her food, generously, and the smile on Xyra's face was staying. Xyra watched Navi and she felt a tug in her chest, a familiar one. Every once in a while she would realize just how much of a hold on her heart Navi had. Everything about Navi, Xyra loved. The cadence to her voice, her jokes, her attitude, her style; Navi was just everything Xyra looked for and wanted. The constant feeling of want would have overwhelmed anybody but Xyra was more than used to it.

"You never learned it was rude to stare?" Navi asked as she chewed on her first mouthful but Xyra didn't show any intention of stopping, "What?"

"Noticed something."

"Do tell."

"You care about me," Xyra shrugged.

"I care about most people on this ship," Navi chuckled.

"Obviously, Nav," Xyra rolled her eyes, "I am saying you have a vested interest in my recovery and are being very helpful. You care about me."

"Aye, in that sense I've always cared about you " Navi offered a reassuring smile as she sucked her thumb to pick up some sauce that had collected there, " I've never stopped, even when we aren't speaking."

"I'm sorry about that by the way," Xyra said but that wasn't enough and she knew it. Navi tilted her head expecting an elaboration on exactly what Xyra was apologizing for, "for not talking to you and shutting you out without giving you my reasons."

"Not the first time it's happened," Navi said.

"Unfair," Xyra pointed at the girl across from her, "every other time I stopped talking to you without explanation, it was warranted."

"Ah, so you admit that it wasn't warranted this time around, then?" Navi smirked, she liked any opportunity to prove she was right.

"Aye," Xyra said softly and looked down at her hands. She never liked talking about her feelings with Navi which figures as to why things usually ended badly, "I knew what I was getting into. You did nothing wrong."

At the stroke of vulnerability displayed by Xyra, Navi's walls visibly broke down too. Navi shifted in her chair, she was a bit uncomfortable but she was staying in her seat. Navi had a tendency to quite literally run from emotional confrontation.

"Then why?" Navi asked and Xyra sensed some sadness in the question.

"Why'd I stop talking to you?" Xyra asked

"Why did you stop things between us? Why did you just act like we hadn't spent countless nights awake talking just like we used to? Why did you get me addicted to you again just to pull away?"

"Navi, we've been over this before. I know I let things progress this time but things have not changed. I am not okay with just being your ship wife while you have someone on shore. I couldn't sit here and watch you go be with someone el-"

"There is no one else on shore," Navi interrupted.

"What?"

"It's been a length since I've been with no one, Xy. I wrote Jin a letter not even a cycle after we had left Corinspe's shore that I had made a mistake," Navi said and stood up, ditching her food and walking to Xyra's side of the desk, "that we wouldn't work."

"Why?" Xyra followed Navi's movement across the desk and scooted her chair back, giving the sailor room to lean against the desk right in front of Xyra. Hunger was the last thing on her mind right then. Actually, nothing but Navi was on her mind, "Why did you break it off with them when you were adamant they were the one?"

Hearing Navi admit to the crew, almost a length prior, that Jin was the person that was going to make her settle down had pierced Xyra's heart. It was something she had repeated in her head over and over. Everytime that Xyra had been tempted to ask Navi for something more in the last length, Navi's words quickly dispelled the urge.

"I don't remember even saying that," Navi said and she even looked a bit guilty, like she realized her actions clearly had consequences, "I was infatuated. I probably didn't mean it, you know I'm sarcastic."

"It wasn't sarcastic, you were serious. I was hurt after that, but not because of what you said. It was the conviction with which you said it," Xyra got it off her chest, after so long it felt so good, "why would you say something so absolute and then take it back a cycle later?"

"I don't know," Navi licked her lips and she crossed her arms, she probably regretted coming to be so close to Xyra.

"You do know."

"I just said I didn't."

"You have a tell when you lie," Xyra pointed at Navi's crossed arms which were immediately dropped, "what led you to make that claim, that they would be the one to change you. To make you settle."

"Bloody, fucking, you!" Navi huffed and her arms went back up to cross over her chest, but a less defensive and more bashful way, "I had met Jin and felt the same way I had met when I first met you and it was intoxicating. As the suns progressed, the feeling faded but I guess I was trying to hold on to that spark and I asked them to be with me. I was fucked up when I said what I did, I do remember it and I regret it."

Xyra remembered back to almost a length prior, a cycle after they had left Corinspe, Navi had come knocking on Xyra's door while she was drunk one night, talking about getting back together. Xyra had slammed the door in Navi's face and forgotten about the incident. It would have been after the breakup, which meant had Xyra let her in things might have gone differently.

"You left them for me?" Xyra tried connecting the dots.

"No, I left them because of you," Navi corrected, "because they weren't you. They didn't compare to you. No one ever has, Xyra."

Xyra was floored. She had no idea what to say. Most times, pleas for affection or admission of such feelings were left in Xyra's hands. Navi standing in front of her and doing what she was doing was a dream of Xyra's. Navi had always made her feel wanted through actions but rarely through words and Xyra should have been on cloud nine. Except she now had a bigger problem than before. What had been keeping them apart was not a factor anymore and the conversation looked to be heading in the direction of "that talk". Xyra was going to be faced with a decision to either pursue who she wanted most but hurt her at the end of it or hurt her now with rejection and hurt her again later. It was Xyra's turn to want to run. She slowly got up out of her chair so she was level with Navi.

The silence was constraining her, Navi seemed to feel the pressure to.

"Say something, Xy," Navi whispered and her eyes quickly darted around, searching Xyra's face for a clue but there was nothing. Xyra had a talent of hiding emotions from view, not entirely on purpose.

"What do you want me to say?" Xyra's throat felt dry and she also crossed her arms.

"I don't know... Something, anything," Navi was barely able to meet Xyra's gaze. The first time she really put it all there at once and this was the way Xyra responded. She was kicking herself over it, it must have taken a lot for Navi to admit her feelings.

"Navi..." Xyra sighed, unable to come up with anything.

"Say you feel the same. That we both are on the same page this time, that this can be something. Say you long for me more than physically, the way I do for you. Say you don't want to be with me. Say you just want to fuck," Navi paused for a dry laugh, "gods, anything but silence."

"We can't," is all Xyra could say.

"Can't what?"

"Be together."

"Have I ruined every chance I have with you? Have I run out of tries?"

"No."

"Then what is it, Xy? Are you worried I'll do wrong by you?" Navi reached out and pulled Xyra's hand into her own, "I know your boundaries now, I know the rules if we are together. I'm ready for that, I have been for a while. Before, when you were mine, I was young and stupid and chasing something I thought I wanted, what I thought meant true freedom. But what I want is you."

"Navi," Xyra felt her breath catch in her throat, and tears spring to her eyes. This was too much for her. She was having to stand there and reject the woman she was convinced she could spend her life with, "we can't. I'm sorry."

"Why?" Navi stepped closer, pushing their bodies together and Xyra was forced to look straight at Navi, "I will leave you alone once you give me a reason but I need to know why."

"This... this thing I'm keeping from you-" Xyra whispered and paused to swallow but her throat was far too dry and it almost hurt, "-I don't want to upset you. You aren't going to be happy once I tell the crew about it and I can't lose you after getting you back again."

"I don't care about that," Navi said, "whatever it is, I don't care.

"You will, I know you."

"I forfeit my right to be upset! Is that enough?" Navi almost pleaded.

Xyra was going to say no but hesitated. Navi didn't know what she was saying but Xyra wanted to be selfish, she wanted to accept what was said and take advantage of Navi's naivety in this situation. Still, Xyra didn't want to give in and then have Navi turn her back on them once she found out the truth. Navi put a hand under Xyra's chin and tilted her chin up slightly.

"I can see the wheels turning in there like you don't believe me. I'll say it again then, I don't care what you are forced to keep from me," Navi said, just to drive it home.

"I'm afraid you don't know what you're saying and you will regret it later," Xyra pulled her chin away and took a slight step away from Navi.

"Xyrabellis, get it through your thick skull that I don't care! I don't care because I fucking love you!" Navi exclaimed and caught Xyra's forearm with her hand to keep her from going any further, "I know that now more than ever, I would trade my soul if it meant I get to be the object of your affection again."

"Say that again," Xyra demanded, the wind knocked out of her chest.

"I don't remember the whole thing it won't be the exact sa-"

"This isn't a time to be funny, fucking say it again," Xyra repeated.

Navi cracked a small smile and licked her lips before taking a deep breath, "I love you."

Xyra put all her weight on her good leg and launched herself into Navi, arms wrapping around her shoulders and lips locking over each other. It was a long kiss, followed by a short stop for a bit of air and another kiss. It was slow, not rushed, and steadily growing more fervid. Heightened emotions turned passionate kisses. Navi was the one to break their embrace first.

"Is that a yes to giving this a shot?" Navi was once again looking to Xyra's face for clues, "I need some reassurance here. You were the one that broke up with me and now I'm here begging for you back."

Navi let out a small chuckle but underneath it was a serious request.

"I love you, Naoko," Xyra let Navi's actual name fall from her mouth, the one only that was privileged with knowing it, "I love you so much."

Navi laughed, out of pure relief. They met each other in the middle for a kiss, after both leaning in and Xyra wanted to pull Navi closer but there was no physical way of doing so. Navi reached backward on the desk and messily shoved some things aside so she could sit back and pull Xyra in between her legs.

"Fuck dinner," Navi practically purred, "I've got a meal right here."

"What a waste of kaer," Xyra teased as she was pulled down over Navi for another kiss.