Broken Chest

To Xyra, sleep was becoming more and more elusive. Her eyes would finally shut when it was nearing dawn and she would arise mere hours later. She was up early that morning. Early enough to see them arrive at port. They had sailed straight over from Inrair to Zoalika, their last stop in Aeliz. It was the first time they had actually docked somewhere and Xyra was allowing everyone to get off the ship. She had heard from information gathered around Aeliz that Zoalika was left untouched by The Center's increased presence in the area. Xyra figured it had something to do with the man they were visiting, Ben, who had proven to be willing to murder soldiers who stepped foot on his island.

She had briefed the women the night before at dinner time how they were to behave, how to respond if anyone asked who they were and to be back on the ship before nightfall. Even with those precautions, she was sure that Ben would catch wind that they were on the island and he would be on the defensive. A string of men of means in the Aelizan underworld had turned up dead, they had either been found burned to a crisp and their house along with them, or they were found maimed. Xyra was sure Ben had caught wind of the killings and he would be expecting someone to come for him. Not only that, Xyra was known in the pirate circles for her ability to torture people, with tortured bodies coming up so frequently, Xyra was sure Ben was expecting her.

Ben was short for Benefactor. Pirates that spent their time sailing Aeliz waters certainly got most of their wealth from leads given by Ben, but apparently, he was turning against the very people he once sailed the waters with. Because of his popularity and influence, he was heavily guarded at all times. Xyra had no doubt that he had doubled his security in anticipation, he had not survived as long as he had for no reason. Many people before her had tried and failed to kill Ben. The Center, merchants whose routes were constantly exposed, roamers and traders who had been blacklisted by him. He was a challenge and Xyra wanted to be the one who managed to succeed.

At the thought, her stomach lurched; she was disgusted with herself. She felt a cold shiver go down her spine and she clenched her fists, taking a slow, deep breath. This was a thing happening of late. Waves of guilt and horror and disgust and disbelief would wash over her. She used to be proud of her skills, she used to regard it as an art form; one she had practiced for a long time. Now, something had shifted. It wasn't a complete turnaround. She still got a rush from doing it, from getting what she needed, from making powerful people break, but what was new was the overwhelming self-reproach.

Xyra, in the past few cycles, had started to slowly unravel. She had kept together after Bari passed away and even through the stress of being ambushed multiple times but the thread began to come loose after the fight with Fletching. She faced death, it wasn't the first time she had but she had gotten closer to it than she would have liked to. When she was a bit younger, none of that bothered her but now it was different. She didn't know if it was the stress of the times they were going through, the tight time schedules, her leg impairing her ability to do things she normally did, the secret she was keeping, the uncertainty of Theo's reaction ,or all of them combined but the threads that wove her together were coming apart. Not only that, she missed Theo and even Cooker.

She had already been on edge and barely managing to keep it together when the interrogations began. In the past, she wouldn't have blinked twice at anything she was doing. Not only did she have layers of justification for her actions, but she was also trained to keep her emotions at bay. It was like she had a metal chest in her head which locked away all of the realities of what she was doing. Of what she had done. Of what she had been asked to do. The chest usually contained a lock but it had since been broken, its keeper distracted with other things. She had been so focused on everything else around her that when interrogations came up, the chest came alive and spilled everything inside and there was nothing to stop it.

Now, every mission was both miserable and amazing. It was no secret as kids that Xyra was a bit obsessed with the idea of torture and the act of it. When it was a common occurrence for her in her childhood, she had become addicted to it in a way. Now was no different, it was like both nectar and poison. Before, after, and during the act, the thrill, the high, the satisfaction was intertwined with disgust and shame and shock. She was trying to get the lock welded back together and back on the chest but nothing was working. No one, except maybe Theo or Cooker, could understand what she was going through and anyone who was willing to listen was missing some piece of the story. Ava didn't know how deep her past with these kinds of things went, Navi didn't know about the secret she was keeping, Morgana didn't know how to handle an upset Xyra, and Xyra didn't want to bring Pearl into it. Once again, she felt as if she had no one.

She would just have to deal with it until she found a solution.

After they had docked and she had allowed her officers to get down for some well-deserved land time, she had called them back for a meeting. It would be an all-hands-on-deck situation that night. Morgana would be bringing the vanguard, or at least the small version of it she had on the sloop, and infiltrating Ben's large house. Xyra wasn't at full fighting capacity, with her leg still on the mend, so she would have to rely on Morgana and the rest of the girls to get the site secured. Xyra would be keeping watch until it was safe to go in and she was upset about it, she hated being out of the action. Morgana, the vanguard, Ava, and Pearl would then do everything in their power to secure the building and get Xyra her time with Ben. Navi, ever willing to miss out on a fight, was to man the ship in everyone's absence.

Xyra was anxious about the mission, as she was about any that she didn't have complete control over, and the time to head out couldn't come fast enough. It was closer to dawn than dusk when they finally headed out towards Ben's secluded house in the outskirts of town. As they had planned, Xyra stayed back and Morgana led the group to start the mission. Xyra was almost paralyzed in anticipation, eyes staring at the walls that guarded his home. She would have relaxed except that wasn't something she knew how to do. Eventually, much to her relief Morgana jogged out of the complex and towards Xyra's hiding spot.

"Status?" Xyra jumped to ask.

"House is secured, everyone is either dead or tied up," Morgana reported as Xyra slipped out of the treeline and began to walk with Morgana back to the house.

"Everyone good on our end?"

"Palomy has a nasty gash in her arm and another on her shoulder, Lai has a dislocated shoulder and a broken collarbone from a scuff she got into, and Bev got knocked out. Luckily, everyone is still alive, can't say the same for their men," Morgana led the way back through a side entrance in the wall and onto the property.

"Leave Pearl and another girl to stand watch and take the rest of them back, I should be good here for the rest of the night," Xyra instructed, they were far from the nearest main road and no pedestrians would pass through Ben's part of town so late at night either way.

"Aye, sounds good" Morgana nodded, "Red's got Ben tied up in his office on the first floor."

"She did that herself?"

"The tying, yes. The knocking him out cold, no," Morgana laughed a bit but it didn't catch on.

Xyra just patted her shoulder as they came upon the entrance of the house and she excused herself, making haste towards the office. Xyra liked to be in the room and ready to go the second her subjects woke up, not giving them time to get adjusted to what was happening could sometimes result in an early confession. Like Morgana had said, Red was standing at attention next to Ben's desk with Ben tied up in a chair.

"His second?" Xyra directed her question to Ava.

"Still alive, tied up in another room," Red responded.

"Good," Xyra said and took off her gloves and then her coat, laying them down on a chair.

Next, she picked out her tools from her bag and unrolled them on the desk. Red was still in the room but had moved to a corner of it like she had most times Xyra had allowed her in the room. But the interrogations were getting gorier and like the last time, Xyra couldn't have her watch what went down. She cleared her throat and Red looked over at her. Xyra tilted her head towards the door and a flash of disappointment crossed Red's face before she walked out without so much as a complaint.

The door shut behind Red and Xyra took a second to compose herself, to get herself into the headspace. She slowly lowered herself into Ben's desk chair and relaxed into the well-upholstered seat. Xyra took a deep breath and centered herself, bringing to the front the facade she wanted to portray. Intimidating, calm, collected, in control, and lacking all forms of empathy. It was a process and at the end of it, not even the thoughts of shame and guilt swirling through her head earlier were of concern. She was focused on the task at hand. Minutes later, Ben stirred.

As soon as he opened his eyes and realized his situation, he began to yell.

"Boran!" Ben screamed out, angling his head towards the door to make the sound travel farther.

"Afraid that is not going to work," Xyra said and Ben's screaming stopped, "Boran's tied up in the other room and everyone else is dead."

His head snapped back over to Xyra.

"Xyrabellis," Ben acknowledged, trying to pass it off as if he wasn't about to piss himself. Xyra noted the tremor in his voice.

"It's nice to be on this side of the desk for once," Xyra ran her hands along the leather armrests, "I can see why you feel so powerful back here, so entitled to be a raging reprobate."

"I prefer the term bastard," Ben shot back.

"That does suit you well," Xyra chuckled a bit and stood up slowly, "Bastard. Reprobate. Miscreant. The list of words I could use to describe you are vast, Ben, but I never thought traitor would be one of them."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said.

"Ah, ah, ah" Xyra tutted and walked over to the front of his chair, "I would be very careful how you proceed with every statement you make from here on out because lies have consequences."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he repeated.

Xyra let the comment rest for a bit before she struck him with a hard punch to the right of his face. His face whipped to the side with the force of the punch and Xyra saw him attempt to shake off the hit.

"You are involved with the conspiracy against pirates and the downfall of infamous crews," Xyra stated, it wasn't a question.

"No."

Xyra grabbed his collar with one hand and brought her fist to connect with his jaw once again.

"You gave The Center names of merchant routes you recommended to pirates and you gave them the location of roamer outposts in Aeliz," Xyra stated.

"No," he said, then spat on the ground, blood and saliva.

Xyra slammed her fist into his face one, two, three times, and when she released his collar his head was hanging heavily. He had lost consciousness briefly but with a jostle and slap on the face, he was awake again.

"Ben," Xyra sighed and gripped his hair, pulling it back so he faced her. He had blood running down his nose and his lip was split open, "you know what is about to happen. You know what I am capable of. Let's save the theatrics of it all and tell me the truth."

"Fuck you," Ben slightly slurred his words, "a bitch will never best me."

He wasn't in good shape for just starting, his eyes unfocused and his head lolling to the side, maybe he wouldn't be a challenge after all. Maybe his security was so tight because he knew he was weak.

"Wrong answer, Ben" Xyra reached behind her and grabbed a small hammer-like instrument from the desk and brought it down crashing on his hand, a nasty crack was heard followed by the sounds of piercing screams, "I was looking for an admission of guilt."

"You're fucking crazy!" Ben yelled, "let me go!"

The panic was starting to set in, she liked this part, the part when they realized it wasn't some joke or dream and that Xyra was capable of damage. No one was coming for him, it had been a while and he knew it. It was just the beginning and Xyra had no other thoughts but excitement, all prior emotions having been wiped. It was sadistic, she knew that, but there was no stopping the feeling. The hammer was of use to her only for a little bit longer before she turned to pulling fingernails. After that left him shaking and on the verge of passing out from the pain, she turned to her trusty knife; sharp, painful, and left beautiful carvings on his chest. She was about to have to get really extreme and start chopping off fingers, among other appendages, but he caved before she got there.

"Please," he gasped out, his face and torso bloodied and his hands shaking terribly, "just kill me."

"I will let you die once you tell me what I need. Until then..." Xyra trailed off, bringing her palm down to push against one of his broken hands.

Ben screamed out, a sob choked out along with it. The blood on his face was parted by a trail of tears. She had broken him and it hadn't taken much. Xyra had been prepared to go the whole night, perhaps even longer if needed but he looked like he was about to give in.

She was right.

"I'll tell you anything," he pleaded, head hanging from pain and exhaustion.

"You were working on behalf of The Center," Xyra said.

"Yes."

"You gave up the locations of various merchant routes pirates frequented and gave up the location of roamers and traders to The Center knowing they would be forced to work against pirates," Xyra stated.

"Aye."

"You profited off the betrayal of those you once sailed the seas with," Xyra pushed her palm back into his hand, revenge for the death he had caused to people who were her friends.

"Aye!" Ben screamed, "aye! Please, stop!"

Xyra removed her hand, "Why did you do it?"

"I was forced to," he looked up at her.

"You made a profit," Xyra practically growled.

"I profited off an unfortunate situation," he defended, "I didn't seek them out; they found me."

"How?"

"A rat."

"Who?"

"You think if I knew I wouldn't have had them fucking killed already?!" Ben yelled back, gathering what little energy he had left.

"How much were you given?" Xyra's leg was yelling at her in pain, it wasn't fully healed yet and she was standing on it without her crutch. But she couldn't show weakness, instead of sitting down she casually leaned on the desk and crossed her arms.

"20 thousand gold."

"You sold out for 20 thousand gold? A small fraction of what you make in a year," Xyra raised an eyebrow and placed her hand over the hammer again, "it's just not believable."

"I negotiated for three common merchant routes through Aeliz to go unpatrolled after the reclassification is over," Ben admitted, shaken by the threat of more pain, "which was a good thing for you too, you fucking maniac."

"You can't benefit from pirates paying you for information on the best routes if they are all fucking dead, genius," Xyra threw back then scoffed and shook her head, "three routes and 20 thousand. Pathetic."

That was all she needed to know. She had come here in hopes of finding whoever ratted Ben out, which was also most likely the person behind the uncovering of every other pirate secret. Theo was convinced it was Fletching but Xyra had made no such assumptions, going in with a notion of who it might be would blind her from the truth. Ben wasn't lying when he said he didn't know who it was, The Center wouldn't be so risky as to give up the name of their greatest asset. She had no use for him anymore so she grabbed her dagger, he had suffered enough and she was going to give him a quick death. Xyra stood up and walked towards him. As death faced him, he began to struggle.

"Xyrabellis, they forced me to give up what I did. I am as much a victim of The Center's ploy as you are," Ben pleaded his case, it was a little too late though, "please, understand. The money I made was because I have people to pay and a business to run. I made the best of the situation but I didn't have a choice."

"You always have a choice," Xyra said and pulled his head back, cleanly slicing her knife against his throat. She watched as the blood poured from his throat. The room was quiet and the blood dripped from her knife onto the floor, from his body onto the floor, from her hands onto the floor. It took her a second to shake off the trance she had come under, staring at his lifeless form. The facade had dropped without her meaning to and it wasn't easy to just pick it back up. Xyra panicked a little as the sight of what she had done truly registered in her brain. Ben was a gruesome one but by far not the worst one she had done and the reality of that made her want to shrink and disappear. She was 19 lengths old, had been doing it for just under ten of them and she had just now realized how fucked up she was. Her body was in shock but she had to push past it.

"Red!" Xyra called out, shaking her head free of any thoughts but her current objective, "bring him in!"

The door opened a minute later and Red walked in with a man, hands tied behind his back.

"Thank you. Now, I need you to go collect anything valuable and then wait for me," Xyra said and dismissed her. Red, like before, looked disappointed and slightly upset but she left without a word.

"You maimed him," Boran said, "you sick fucking monster."

"And unless you want to end up like him, you'll confirm everything he said. Lies will get you hurt, the truth will get you killed," Xyra laid out his options in front of him and walked to where he was standing, "your choice."

Boran's jaw was clenched and he looked away, "Fuck you."

Xyra looked him up and down, he was sweating yet it was cold outside; like his body was working to keep him awake and alert. She reached her dagger out and lifted up his shirt slightly to find a ghastly cut on his stomach. It had gone untreated for a few hours, which meant it was likely already infected and in a matter of half a cycle, he would be dead.

"I can bring you with me on my ship and ask you the same questions every day," Xyra dropped the dagger and his shirt fell with it, "You will be tied up, starving, slowly dying as the infection eats you from the inside out and your fever is so high you start hallucinating demons."

Xyra brought the dagger to his chin and tilted it towards herself, "Or I can give you the easy way out. Mercy kill."

Boran hesitated and Xyra could see him struggling with his ego and his mortality. Was the fear of being in pain with no end in sight more than the fear of dying? Everyone was different, Ben had feared dying more. Boran did not seem to agree.

"What do you want to know?"

Xyra asked what she needed to and Boran told the truth. Surprisingly, everything the two men had said lined up, and soon enough, it was time for Xyra to make due on her promise. The truth was rewarded with death. Xyra walked back to the desk and from her toolkit pulled out a bottle and some cloth.

"Would you prefer to be awake for it?"

"No," he answered.

Xyra walked back towards where he was, pouring some liquid onto the cloth, "Do you have children?"

"No," Boran shook his head, "I have two younger brothers and my mother is dying. I take care of them."

"If you give me their names I can see to it that they are provided for," Xyra offered, he hadn't made the choice to betray pirates, his boss had.

"Ben made sure they would be taken care of in the event of my death," he said, coldly, "I am not giving up where they live and who they are to you."

"Very well," Xyra held up the cloth to his mouth and after a few moments, he unceremoniously dropped to the ground.

And then, like it was clinical, executed Ben's second in command. She wasted no time grabbing her belongings and her crutch and walking out of the office. Ava was in the main hall of the first floor awaiting orders with bags and large ornate objects surrounding her.

"Stay here. I'm going back to the ship and sending back some women to help you carry this stuff back. There are two of ours standing watch so if something happens, call out for them," Xyra instructed and didn't even give Red a chance to gather her thoughts before walking out. Xyra made it back onto the ship, gave the job to go help Red to some women, changed out of her bloodied clothes, and slipped into the lower decks of the ship unnoticed. Her leg was yelling at her in pain, it was healing quite well but she had no business being out and about without support.

Xyra found a dark and hidden corner in the storage area of the lower decks and slowly let herself sink to the ground. She felt differently than before, numb instead of disgusted. She pulled out a small piece of cloth from her pocket and opened it in her hand. There was a small pill and she swallowed it with ease, it was to help with her leg. Or that is what she was telling herself. Cooker used to do drugs when she finished a mission to get her mind off of things and Theo occasionally drank when things got bad, so taking a page from their book she figured not being sober was ideal. She was trying to run away from the feelings she had experienced after looking at Ben when he died, there was no denying it.

With that thought, it all came rushing back in, the pill failing at its job before it could have even gotten started. The look on Boran's face when he came in and saw what had been done to his boss was haunting her. It was one of genuine fear and disbelief and Xyra had elicited that response with her work. It was a response she had felt her own body give at the sight of Ben. As she got older, life began to mean more, and taking someone else's began to shift in significance for her. With torture, she was usually going after big guys in the game, ones that had hurt a lot of people. The good their death would bring about outweighed the pain they went through but something had shifted and she could no longer justify her own actions. Was she going to feel like this forever? This wouldn't be the first time she had to engage in torture for the ship and it wouldn't be her last. Is this what she would feel like after every mission? Is this what it felt like when Theo killed? Or Cooker?

She was lost in the labyrinth of complex emotions her brain had constructed for her when Red came into the room. There were a few minutes of shuffling and searching before Xyra was actually found. Red didn't say anything or even ask for permission to do so but she sat down.

"It's taken its toll on you," Red said after sitting in silence for what she deemed an appropriate amount of time.

"Really?" Xyra gasped out and tilted her head, "I hadn't noticed."

Red sighed but ignored the comment otherwise, "Wanna talk about it?"

"I really, really do not," Xyra lifted up her good leg up to her chest and rested her chin on her knee.

Red did the same and hugged both knees to her chest, "I know you don't want to talk about it but I think I could help alleviate the burden. I could help interrogate."

"Red-"

"You've got a lot on your plate right now and you wouldn't be asking me to do anything, I would be offering," she argued and Xyra just chuckled a bit, "What?"

"Nothing, I had this same conversation with Theo a while ago but the positions were switched," Xyra rubbed the back of her neck, she was tense and her muscles were making sure she knew it.

"And how did it end?"

"With me getting my way, but I can't say this talk will have the same result," Xyra joked but her attempt at humor fell flat.

The silence between them was only interrupted by the occasional tap of Red's feet against the wood. She had been Xyra's second for just long enough that she knew when a fight was lost. The question was whether she was going to start speaking again and if she did, would it be a question? Hanging out with Red was sometimes a game to Xyra, trying to predict what would come out of her mouth. Xyra guessed it would be a question, it always was.

"What does Theo do when she's upset? And Cooker?" Red asked, Xyra was right.

"Drugs," Xyra smiled at Ava rolling her eyes.

"And when the drugs wear off?"

"Pray."

"Well," Red straightened her legs and bounced them against the wood, "Why don't you do that then?"

"I do not have a god," Xyra replied.

"You don't believe in gods?"

"I believe in them. I just do not have one."

"Why?"

"You're not supposed to ask questions about religion," Xyra cut off the line of questioning, "have you not learned that already?"

"Fine," Red shrugged her shoulders and leaned back on her hands, "don't answer me then."

"Fine," Xyra said and then rolled her eyes but only because Red did it first.

Xyra was still curled in around her bent knee focused on one spot on the floor but Red was looking around the room, letting out an occasional huff or two while visibility pouting.

"You mope when you do not get what you want," Xyra pointed out.

"There is an easy way to get me to stop."

"How does everyone put up with you?"

"You keep bringing up how annoying I am, yet spend most of your sun with me," Ava challenged with a smirk.

"Because I have to," Xyra shot back.

"Not all the time," Ava shrugged and leaned forward, "you like me. You're my friend, admitting it is the first step to a long and beautiful relationship."

"Actually, we can go back to talking about religion now," Xyra chuckled a bit, feeling a bit better.

"So, why don't you believe in any gods?"

"Nothing I do aligns with any of their tenets..." Xyra admitted, she didn't even know why she answered, she didn't owe Red anything.

Any semblance of a somewhat good mood that Red had been eliciting from Xyra was gone and a heavy blanket of silence hung over them. Xyra wished she could be alone in that instance but Red never quite understood the concept of solitude.

"What about Derwi? Morgana's god, the combat one," Red tried to be helpful.

"I mutilate people while they are tied up which in Derwi's eyes would be cowardice," Xyra rested her head back against a crate she was leaning back against, "he doesn't look down too favorably on that."

"And Riva? She likes sailors," Red tried once again.

"I don't bring balance, only chaos."

"I-" Red took a deep breath, "don't know any more gods."

Xyra shook her head and gave Red a slight smile, "Red, can you go? Please. Give me a night to myself."

Ava pursed her lips together and considered saying something but she just stood up, "If you need me to take on any duties tomorrow, I can. Just find me in my room."

Xyra just nodded in her direction and closed her eyes, her still back against the crate. The pill kicked in a while later, she had lost track of how long she had been down there. The drugs she had taken pulled her into a tranquil state, but it was a fragile one. Teetering between calm and chaos. It was taking Xyra every effort she had to struggle against the pull calling her to the edge, to jump into chaos and give in to the emotions that were clawing at her ankles and attempting to grab her. Long, calm breaths, like the ones she took to prevent freezing up, were helping her keep calm, to keep the flashes of all of the bodies she had left in her wake from her mind. Her calming routine was broken when she heard footsteps drawing near. She opened her eyes slowly to see Navi looming over her with a plate in hand.

"Dinner," Navi said and set the food down next to Xyra.

"Not hungry," Xyra closed her eyes again.

"Didn't ask if you were," Navi squatted down to be level with Xyra, "can I get you anything else?"

Xyra shook her head and Navi stood up, taking a few steps back. Xyra peeked one eye open to gauge if Navi really was leaving. She acted disinterested but all she wanted was Navi's comfort. It was just hard for Xyra to say things like that, to admit the need for some form of help or relief. As if Xyra had sent telepathic waves out, Navi stopped in her tracks and took a few steps forward.

"Want me to stay?"

Xyra usually preferred to be alone when she was upset. It was what she had chosen to do every other night she had come back from interrogation and been out of sorts. But something was different that night, she needed someone. She needed an anchor, even just for a night.

"Please," Xyra said and she failed to conceal the tremor in her voice, tears suddenly building up in her eyes.

Navi wasted no time in getting on the floor and crawling next to Xyra, putting an arm around her. Xyra melted into Navi's side and let a few tears silently fall.

"Red told me she's worried about you," Navi filled the silence and squeezed Xyra's side as she said it.

"She sent you down here?" Xyra said and sniffled a bit, trying to hide it.

Navi shifted in her space, enough to kiss Xyra's head, "No, she actually kept your location secret. Said she wanted to respect your request for alone time."

Xyra wanted to answer but she couldn't bring herself to speak. She was afraid that if she spoke, the chest in her head would fall apart further than it already had and she would end up breaking down. Xyra had had her bouts with breaking down in the past, she would retreat into herself, fail to get work done, and spend her suns unable to get out of bed. But it was something that hadn't happened since right after Theo became captain. So, Xyra sat with her head on Navi's shoulder, sniffling, with a wall of pent-up tears and sadness and shock being held as best as it could inside the already broken chest.

"You've been torturing," Navi pointed out.

"Aye," Xyra whispered. Navi never asked about missions and Xyra never told her about them. Navi was not really interested in being looped into the minutia of missions which was Xyra's excuse for not telling her. It wasn't that she was hiding it from her, anyone that had gone on the missions was free to speak about it but Xyra hadn't outwardly told Navi what she had been doing. Navi wasn't a fan of murder and violence and she had rather kept that image of Xyra out of Navi's head.

"Is that what is the matter? The reason you come back from some missions out of sorts?" Navi asked, it wasn't in an accusatory tone. It was soft.

"Aye," Xyra said, even lower than before. She felt the chest begin to crumble open and she was afraid she could do nothing to stop it.

"I've never seen you like this before over an interrogation," Navi commented.

"I've never felt this way," Xyra admitted, "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."

"Xy..." Navi shook her head, "you could have come to me."

"I didn't know it would keep going," Xyra felt herself get more worked up as each second passed. She was on the precipice of emotions, one side would lead into a breakdown and the other would freeze her up, "it just kept getting worse and worse and worse."

"Why is that?" Navi asked and Xyra suddenly wanted her gone, wanted to go through this alone and shut everyone else out.

She didn't like questions she didn't want to answer and she clammed up.

"I know you don't want to talk about it. I'm sure it's the last thing you want but Red isn't the only one worried about you. I am too," Navi confessed and took a deep breath, "I don't know how to do this, so if I am doing it wrong feel free to stop me but we need to talk about things."

That was enough to send Xyra over the edge. Navi had said nothing wrong. In fact, she had said the right things and showed that she wanted to care for Xyra. Navi had meant what she had said about being committed to Xyra and her actions were reflecting it. Navi was stepping out of her comfort zone to make sure Xyra was okay. It only made her realize she was going to ruin what they had eventually. The tears flowed freely and the sobs that came with it were freeing. But the pressure in her chest wasn't going away, it was only building.

The fact that Navi didn't get up and walk out was a miracle. Xyra was downright embarrassed, she had almost hoped that she had frozen up; instead she was having the meltdown of the classification. Xyra didn't even know that many tears were in her. It was endless waves of sorrow and anger and culpability and mortification at her past actions. There was rarely a break in between waves, and when she would wind down there would be another swell waiting to take hold. It wasn't even like she could pinpoint what she was crying about, it was everything and nothing. Xyra's eyes were puffy, her nose was running, and Navi's shirt was wrinkled from where Xyra had been gripping it by the time Xyra finally calmed down enough to get any words out.

"I feel like a monster..." Xyra choked out, her voice still thick with emotion.

"Xy-" was the only thing that Navi said.

"I've always known it was fucked. Logically, I knew what I was doing was beyond human..." Xyra admitted, the chill along her spine was harrowing, "but I never processed it. It didn't hit me. But tonight..."

Xyra's hands shot up and covered her mouth, her eyes closed tightly and she tried to keep another wave at bay. Navi's hand was comfortingly rubbing her back.

"Gods, Nav," Xyra shook her head and tears began to flow again, "I was faced with what I am."

"Someone who is sacrificing her own sanity to help her community," Navi tried to rewrite the story Xyra was telling herself.

"No," Xyra swallowed but her throat was heavy and it was hard to do so, "it was never a sacrifice before this. I enjoyed it... I still fucking do in a way."

"Those people are no priests, they aren't exactly model citizens."

"But they have lives that I have deemed within my power to take. Their families left behind. Their lives robbed from them," Xyra was just hurting herself with the thoughts at that point, "and I did so without hesitation, with pleasure."

"You were trained from a child to do that," Navi deadpanned, "I know because you and the girls are so close and all went through the same things that it seems normal for you but that shit is fucked up, Xy. No one goes through that kind of shit. It makes sense why you do what you do, you didn't wake up one day and decide that torturing people would be your thing. It was put upon you."

"I made the choice to stay on the crew and do as Uncilo asked," Xyra argued.

"You're an overachiever with a drive to please those you hold closest," Navi pointed out, "you were like eleven and asked to do something by someone you admire, of course, you were going to do it. Add onto that, your best friends were doing it too and you felt like you needed to protect them? It makes sense why you chose to stay."

"Stop defending me," Xyra shifted away from Navi and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I'm not defending you, I'm trying to reason with you," Navi and pulled Xyra's face towards her, "I'm explaining the situation back to you with your own words and stories. I know you love Uncilo, he's done a lot for you and he has a special place in my heart too, but what he asked you to do as a child was off-limits for most sane people."

Xyra closed her eyes and shook her head. Navi didn't understand the enjoyment she got from it- she used to get from it. She didn't understand that Xyra was excellent at it, top tier. The ease and the comfort with which she did it was disquieting.

"Your actions are... extreme and I am not defending them. I am saying you are not a monster for doing what you were trained to do. Your natural reaction to something like torture has been trained out of you, Xyrabellis, you told me that yourself."

Xyra wanted to push Navi away, physically. To continue her downward spiral in peace with no opposition and only her mean thoughts pulling her down but Navi's words were penetrating her thick skull. Xyra was trained for this. She had been groomed into a perfect weapon and it showed in her work and the way she had used to take pride in it. The emotions surrounding the act and the way in which it excited her were all primed into her. Xyra still felt like a monster, she felt evil. But she was also beginning to see that she had not made the choice to become a monster, she had been made into one. To be so in control of everything all the time, she felt so helpless to outward forces at that moment. She wanted to cry more but she couldn't, the build-up of emotions was gone and Xyra's body had shut off the tear mill.

"Okay," Xyra said.

"Okay?" Navi offered a confused smile.

"Crying is done for the night," Xyra offered a small smile back.

"You good?"

"For right now, aye," Xyra said on a deep exhale, "I am sure this will not be the first time I'm going to run into these issues... but I'll be better prepared to handle it next time."

"And soon enough you'll be around people who actually understand," Navi said.

"Always felt left out when we were kids because Cook and T were always commiserating over feeling like this. I never understood until now. I'm glad I've never felt it before," Xyra confessed.

They were quiet for a second

"By the way, I didn't mean my previous comment like you can't come to me once you have other people around. I just meant that it will be good to have people that understand the specifics of it all," Navi said, a bit nervous, "I still want you to come to me. I want to be that person for you."

"You never come to me with your problems. This past cycle has been all about mine."

"I have none. My only problem was a lack of you and I've solved that," Navi was being serious.

Xyra blushed a bit and rolled her eyes turning away from Navi.

"Let me be your person," Navi caught her jaw in her hand and shifted Xyra's face to look at Navi once again.

"You always have been," Xyra admitted softly.

Navi closed the gap between them and placed a light, sensible kiss on Xyra's lips before standing up. Xyra decided it was time for her to go too, her bed was waiting; she just hoped she could sleep. Navi helped her up and immediately scooped her off her feet.

"Someone told me they've spotted you multiple times walking without your crutch, as the default healer I would advise against doing that" Navi began walking out of the room, "good thing we have a long time at sea, I will make sure you do not take another step without it."