What Have I Done?

KAIA

The bedroom door slammed shut behind me, my back pressing against the solid wood as I allowed the tears to finally escape. I angrily wiped them away, frustrated at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me.

There were no footsteps following me, and for that, I was grateful. I couldn’t bear to face Aleksandr now, not after he’d made me feel so insignificant. So used. Like a ~whore~.

But not even that, because he hadn’t even ~wanted~ to sleep with me. All because I was a ~virgin~.

My skin flushed with embarrassment as I remembered how he’d pulled away from my kiss. The one thing I thought would bring us closer. But he’d rejected me. Because he didn’t want that kind of intimacy with me.

I let my head fall back against the door with a thud.

~How could I have been so naive?~

Did I really think I could walk into the pakhan’s room and come out unscathed? I’d heard the stories from the other women. He only slept with submissives. In a sex club.

Yet, there I was, hoping he’d ~make love~ to me? That he’d want me the way I wanted him? I was clearly mistaken.

Looking back, I realized that even though Aleksandr often touched me, held me close, he’d never tried to kiss me. Not once. Because I wasn’t important to him. Because I was disposable, and he’d discard me as soon as he was done with me.

So why bother sleeping with me?

I tossed my ruined dress aside in anger and headed to the bathroom for a shower. Afterward, I slipped into a semi-sheer nightdress with thin straps, the only nightwear he’d provided. I didn’t bother with underwear.

The thought of anything touching me there made me cringe, remembering Aleksandr’s fingers. His mouth. His skilled tongue.

I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. The first man I’d ever wanted to be with had rejected me. But I wouldn’t let that get to me. I wouldn’t let ~him~ get to me.

I was a strong woman. I needed to get my head back in the game, and for that, I needed a clear mind.

After an hour of tossing and turning, I gave up on sleep. I threw off the heavy blanket and headed for the door, planning to make some tea in the kitchen.

ALEKSANDR

“Can’t sleep?”

I glanced up from my desk, where I’d been aimlessly staring for the past hour. Niko walked into my office.

He’d probably seen the light on from outside and assumed I was working. But my mind was elsewhere, consumed by the woman sleeping upstairs and the mess I’d created.

When I didn’t respond, Niko settled into one of the large leather chairs, stretching his long legs out in front of him. A look of concern was on his face.

“What is it?” His eyes scanned my face, taking in my troubled expression. “You slept with Kaia.”

It wasn’t a question.

I slowly shook my head.

“No.”

His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“We both know it’s only a matter of time before—”

“I’m not sleeping with her, Niko,” I interrupted him, my voice firm. Then, softer, “She’s a virgin.”

Niko’s expression remained unchanged.

“So? The girl is yours. She’s yours.”

I pushed away from my desk, pacing the room. I could feel his gaze on me, thoughtful.

“You’re planning on letting her go, aren’t you?”

I spun around to face Niko, glaring at him. Damn him for knowing me so well. For reading me so easily. That’s why he was chosen to be by my side—to prevent me from making foolish decisions.

So why wasn’t he?

“You know I can’t keep her, Niko,” I said through gritted teeth. “This life is violent. She’d be living in a gilded cage, and that’s not what I want for her.”

Niko watched me as I resumed my pacing.

“So you’d let another man have her?” He drawled the question. “Giovanni Ricci seemed interested.”

I muttered a curse under my breath, fighting the urge to throttle my chief enforcer. Niko just smirked, as if he could see right through me, before slapping his knee and standing up.

“Come on, Aleks, you can’t deny it. You’ve been fixated on this girl since you first laid eyes on her. She’s the first woman you’ve ever brought home. To ~live~ here. It’s obvious you’re catching feelings for her. Plus, the sexual tension between you two is so thick, I might need earplugs for the car if you keep insisting on having her sit on your lap.”

He was right. Kaia was stirring up emotions I thought I’d buried long ago. Emotions I never wanted to feel again because the pain of losing them was unbearable. I couldn’t go through that again. I barely survived the first time.

“Is it because you feel guilty? Because of Nadya.”

My eyes narrowed as I watched him.

“Don’t, Niko,” I warned.

But he didn’t listen. He never did. He walked up to me until we were face to face.

“Nadya would want you to be happy again. We all do. Why don’t you?”

His question hit me hard.

Why indeed?

“Because it’s my fault she died,” I admitted quietly. “I won’t be responsible for the death of another woman who took a chance on loving me.”

Niko sighed. We’d had this argument countless times before.

“So what happened tonight?”

I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated.

“She tried to kiss me.”

Niko nodded slowly in understanding. He was the only one of my men who knew that kissing was the one thing I wouldn’t allow in my sex life.

“I hurt her,” I confessed. The words burned in my throat.

I never felt guilt for anything I said or did to anyone. Yet here I was, completely undone by denying Kaia her kiss. So much so that I couldn’t sleep or get any work done. That had never happened to me before.

“Did you explain to her why?”

I glanced at Niko.

“She didn’t give me the chance.”

Niko’s lips twitched, and he clapped me on the shoulder.

“We can always chain her back to the wall in the cell downstairs.”

I clenched my jaw. I also felt guilt for keeping her down there when she’d just been brought in.

“Come on, I need coffee.”

Niko followed me to the kitchen.

We’d barely rounded the corner when the sight of Kaia’s bare ass greeted us as she reached up to grab a mug from the cabinet.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Kaia gasped and spun around, clutching her chest. I hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, but my emotions were all over the place when it came to her.

She was wearing a semi-sheer nightgown that barely covered her thighs and clearly outlined her nipples and the dark space between her legs.

I held my breath because there was no denying that this woman was put on this earth just to torment me.

“I’m making some tea. What does it look like I’m doing?” Kaia muttered, then to Niko, “Can you get me a mug?”

Niko raised an eyebrow as he glanced at me, clearly amused by the whole situation.

I’d forgotten he was still in the room. I scowled because Kaia wasn’t bothering to hide her body from him.

I stomped to the cabinet, easily reaching a mug and setting it down next to the kettle for her.

“What the fuck are you wearing?”

She turned to me, crossing her arms over her chest as she replied defiantly.

“You should know since ~you~ were the one that bought it!”

She dropped a chamomile tea bag into the mug and waved a hand in my direction, still not looking at me.

“I didn’t think you would mind,” she replied, her tone neutral. Clearly, she’d gotten her emotions under control. If only I could do the same.

“You didn’t seem to be affected when I was naked, so…”

She looked pointedly at Niko.

“Aleksandr has no interest in fucking me.”

“Kaia…” My voice came out as a warning growl.

Niko opened his mouth to respond, but at my glare he bit his lip and turned around to walk out of the room.

Kaia called out after him. “Maybe Niko is interest—”

I grabbed her hips, lifting her to set her down on the kitchen island next to her mug.

“Hey!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I snarled.

Her hands clenched the fabric of my shirt, her knuckles white as she held onto me.

“~What’s wrong with me?~” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

I could feel the tremors running through her body, a clear sign of her lingering anger. I let out a sigh, counting to ten in my head.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, kotik,” I murmured, my hands finding their way to her waist, pulling her closer to me. I needed her near, damn it.

But she pushed against my chest, her hands firm as she tried to create distance between us.

“No, Aleksandr, you don’t get to do that,” she said, her voice wavering. “You don’t get to apologize and think everything will be okay. You made it clear you don’t want to kiss me or sleep with me. Now, I’m making my stance clear. I don’t want you to touch me.”

I knew she was lying. Even now, I could feel her hardened nipples against my chest, the heat from her core pressing against the growing hardness in my pants.

“I’m trying to protect you, Kaia,” I said, frustration seeping into my voice.

She scoffed at my words.

“Then stay away from me, Aleksandr,” she retorted.

The mere thought of that made my blood boil.

“I can’t do that if you’re going to throw yourself at my men—”

“~My~ actions are none of your business, Aleksandr!” she interrupted, her voice rising. “I’m just a pretty face to you, right? That was the agreement.”

Her eyes were a fiery green, her anger radiating off her in waves. It was so intense, I felt like we were on the verge of combusting.

“I’m changing the agreement,” I said, my voice steady.

I watched as her eyes widened in surprise.

“You can’t—”

“I can,” I interjected. “I’m the pakhan. You’re my captive. Your life, your body, they’re mine. From now on, you’ll only sleep in my bed. With me.”

Kaia blinked as if she couldn’t comprehend my words.

“You said you wouldn’t sleep with me,” she whispered.

I shook my head.

“I didn’t say anything about sleeping, just not having sex,” I clarified, lifting her into my arms. “Starting right now.”