Volume 3 - CH 1.02

Part 2

I was to start work at 9 am that very weekend. After entering via the entrance reserved for staff members—or cast members, according to the park’s terminology—I received my ID card from the guard house. Ookuro-san, the security guard in charge, had a rather dubious appearance, but somehow gave off a friendly vibe.

Sento-senpai had emailed me the instructions on what to do on my first day at work. First, I headed for the meeting room, where they would be holding the training course for the newbies.

There were about 20 other people in the room. I seemed to be the only high schooler, with about half of them being university students or older. Everyone seemed nervous, and so was I. That was only normal, given that it was our first day here. There was one, however, who did not appear to be panicking at all.

The woman, apparently named Adachi Eiko, had an elegant and calm demeanor. I overheard people around me talking about how she was an ex-AV idol.

Wait, hold on.

An AV idol!? You mean…that kind of AV, and not some Armored Valkyrie or whatever!?

“I wonder why people are so shocked to see me…”

Seeing how I tensed up in shock upon realization, Eiko-san sighed.

Amazing! Was this a normal phenomenon? The mere fact that a working adult was sitting beside me made me feel all grown up, as if I had just graduated from being a school kid. Thank you!

Several minutes later, another girl entered the room and sat beside me. She looked about the same age as me. Probably a high school student, as well. The girl, named Bandou Biino, had short hair that gave off an energetic appearance, and she went around greeting people with a “Nice to meet you!” and shaking hands with them. Of course, I could only respond with an “Erm…” but this time I had a legitimate reason for doing so—she was wearing pajamas and had fresh blood all over her hands.

“I escaped from the hospital because today’s the all-important training! Looks like my wound reopened, hahaha…”

Don’t “hahaha” at me! The side of your pajamas is turning dark red. And look! Your face is turning pale!

“D-Don’t worry about me! This kind of wound should heal with more exercise…*cough*!”

Before I could recover from the shock, Biino-san collapsed. Cast members rushed in and brought her away in a stretcher.

The security guard stepped in.

“My apologies. Uh…the training should begin soon, so please stay calm and wait a little longer.” Saying that, he turned around and left.

Naturally, there was no way we could keep calm after witnessing such an incident (with the exception of Eiko-san, who was able to remain seated without so much as a shiver). Some of the newcomers turned pale and ran out of the room. I tried my best not to join them.

Shortly afterwards, the trainers entered.

They called themselves “trainers,” but they seemed more like cast members who were tasked with teaching us the basics.

“Attention!”

With a shout, 3 mascots walked in.

The first one resembled a mouse. That’s Moffle, the fairy of sweets!

The second mascot had white fur and looked like a sheep. That’s Macaron, the fairy of music!

And the last one was Tiramie, the cute Pomeranian fairy of flowers!

They waddled into the room and stood in a straight line.

“Woah…!”

Everyone stood up in astonishment. After all, they had just witnessed the entrance of 3 of Amagi Brilliant Park’s most famous mascots. They were mascots of a kiddie theme park, but even then it seemed like their popularity wasn’t to be underestimated.

They must have come to welcome us to the park, knowing that we were all feeling uneasy and nervous. I guess this park actually cares about its workers, how impressive!

Were they going to perform for us? Or let us take a photograph with them? Everyone was really excited. And upon hearing our shouts of joy…

…the fairy of sweets punched the whiteboard with all his might, giving off a loud pulse that left our ears ringing.

“Silence, fumo!”

Moffle shouted in an unwelcoming tone.

We paused, not knowing what on earth had just happened.

“…What’s wrong? What’s up with those smirks on your faces? Or perhaps you haven’t realized that you’re no longer labelled a ‘visitor’?”

None of us spoke a word, and Moffle continued.

“Listen up, maggots. You abandoned your statuses the very moment you stepped into the park. You’re now the lowest life form in this place, inferior even to the grass we step on! From here on, we’re going to carve you into beings capable of entertaining our guests, to the point where you no longer remember how to laugh or cry!”

We stared blankly at Moffle, not because of his loud volume, but the sheer crudeness of his words.

“Our pleasure is your suffering, fumo! You’d better prepare yourself, for we’ll mess you all up and make you regret ever applying! Now then, let us begin the training!”

“Everyone stand up, ron! In formation!”

Macaron took over and shouted. Everyone snapped out of their confusion and lined up. I managed to get in formation on time, but a university student did not. He did not seem to be the kind who cared about following instructions.

“Hey, brown-haired shit face! Come over here, fumo!”

The man reluctantly obeyed and walked over, dragging his feet in a sloppy manner.

“Looks like we’ve got a dung beetle among the maggots, fumo. Where’s your hometown?”

“Hokkaido. ‘Sup?”

“Hokkaido? There’s nothing but cows and crabs there. Which are you?”

Moffle asked an unfair question. Naturally, the man lifted his eyebrows.

“Huh? The heck ‘ya talkin’ ‘bout?”

“Answer me, fumo! Cow, or crab!”

“What am I s’pposed to say…? Ow!”

Moffle struck the man, causing him to bend over in pain.

“You don’t respond to a question with another question! I’m giving you one last chance: Cow or crab!?”

“Wait—ugh…”

“You wanna lose a limb, kid!?”

“C-Crab… Wait no, cow! A cow!”

“You’re a cow, huh? You’d better sound like one, fumo. I’d better hear moos now, you hear me? Moo!!!”

“M-Moo…”

“I don’t remember cows being so weak!! You’ll turn my granny off! Put more strength in your abdomen, again! Moo, moo!”

“Moo! Moo! Moooo!”

“This guy has no strength. Make him practice, fumo.”

Tiramie grabbed him and dragged him to a corner. The man was already at the brink of tears. Seeing that made me want to cry, too.

“Listen carefully, maggots. We don’t tolerate half-assed work here. From now on, everything you say has to contain ‘sir,’ you hear me!?”

“S-Sir, yes sir…”

All of us let out an unsynchronized response.

“It’s ‘Sir, yes sir!’, ron!”

“S…Sir, yes sir…”

“I can’t hear you! One more time, mi!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

Everyone shouted with all their might. However, Moffle did not seem impressed.

“I don’t feel any emotion, fumo. How are you gonna entertain our guests like this!? People will call us a bunch of cowards! We’ll lose our ratings!”

Cowards? Are our visitors terrorists? Perhaps because we’re acting like communists here?

After that, we were told that we’d have our abilities tested. They prepared 20kg loads for all of us and ordered us to run 20km.

At this point, we were all just finding an opportunity to escape. But just then, Kanie Seiya-senpai and Sento Isuzu-senpai walked into the room.

“What’re you doing, goddamned rat!?”

“Mofu…!?”

Kanie-senpai kicked Moffle in the ass.

“What are you doing interrupting my training, fumo!?”

“That’s lame! You, a trainer?”

The two of them stared daggers at each other. It was apparent they didn’t mix well.

“Mofu… Might as well show them all who’s the boss!”

Moffle’s paws flew over. Senpai dodged. This cycle repeated a couple of times, causing tables to flip and chairs to fly. The newcomers scrambled around in an attempt to escape.

Sigh…just what have I gotten myself into this time?

All I wanted was a part-time job at a theme park. Why did I end up shivering in the corner of a room in such chaos? Just let me go home…

“Enough with your nonsense.”

Sento-senpai drew a musket out of nowhere and fired at Moffle and Kanie-senpai. They seemed to be alive but in great pain, suggesting that the bullet she used must’ve been special. I somehow managed to keep myself together, while some of the other newcomers remained on the verge of fainting.

Anyhow, things seemed to have settled considerably.

“…I see that you’ve calmed yourselves. Please continue.”

The two of them continued to writhe in agony for a moment before getting up on their feet with Sento-senpai’s help. Both of them were panting really hard, which was strange for Moffle because the suit should have concealed his own breathing inside.

“*Pants* What the hell, you asked me to leave the training to you, and so I trusted you…but what is this? Some Navy SEAL hell week!?”

“*Pants* It’s a disciplinary lesson, fumo…”

Moffle responded.

“Didn’t you see Twitter? There’s been a trend of part-timers fooling around by cooling themselves in fridges and sleeping on top of goods. It’s a safety hazard, fumo. And so we ought to drill some discipline into them the hard way!”

“They’ll quit before they even learn the rules! We should be respecting the fact that they even bothered to apply for a job at this shitty park!”

Right then, Macaron and Tiramie added.

“I guess part of the reason was that we watched ‘Full Metal Jacket’ the day before, ron.”

“We practiced Hartman’s aggressive and vulgar training techniques, mi.”

“Why am I not surprised… At any rate, you’re relieved from your duties here, so get back to your posts. Come on, shoo!”

Seiya-senpai chased them out like how people would to wild cats.

“Wait, you’re kicking us out, fumo?”

“Aww, but I even prepared some cadences to sing for today’s run, ron!”

“Yeah, mi!! Like ‘Isuzu-chan’s pnssy is mighty cold’…UGH!” [1]

Sento-senpai fired at Tiramie, killing him. I guess her musket also contained spiked rounds.

Moffle and Macaron stared at Tiramie’s corpse on the floor in horror, and slowly backed out of the room. Kanie-senpai and Sento-senpai cleared their throats and addressed us.

“Ahem, my apologies for the…ruckus that they’ve caused. Now that they’re gone, we can start this in proper…wait, don’t go…! Damn, they left…”

After seeing 2 or 3 people escape, Seiya-senpai clicked his tongue in disappointment.

“Sento, if you would, please.”

“Leave it to me.”