16: obsessed

With the inter-college sports meet happening tomorrow, it would have been really bad if Coach came to know Vijay was distracted. But to Vijay's surprise, he was focused and he even clocked in an extra thirty minutes. Training put him in a good mood and he felt like his mind was clearer than last night. He was sure he was going to meet Nila and apologise. He would say whatever he had on his mind and earn her forgiveness. He would fix it.

Vijay's conviction was intact as he stood on the bus, one hand holding the handle above his head and the other tapping against his thigh. Nila's stop was close. As the bus slowed, he searched for Nila and found her in a sunset orange and pink printed kurta and jeans. Her hair was washed, soft strands sliding off her claw clip and framing her face unevenly. Vijay was sure she didn't know how fucking beautiful she was or how the men in the bikes turned their heads to look at her while they rode past the bus stop.

She stood there, chewing on her lips and scraping the nail paint on her index finger with the nail of her thumb as she studied the crowd on the bus cautiously. When the bus halted, she took a step forward but no more. Wearily, she watched the crowd push through into the entryway. Gone was the competitive Nila who fought to get into the bus first, braving the scowls and glares of others. Gone was the Nila who wasn't phased by crowded buses. Her shoulders dropped in dejection and she turned around, pulling out her phone.

Vijay didn't need her to speak to know what was going on in her mind. He quickly got off the bus, ignoring someone yelling at him for knocking them over. His phone vibrated against his thigh and he knew it was Nila's text. He didn't open it. Vijay knew what it said. He simply went and tapped her shoulders, making her turn around.

"Vijay?" she breathed out. When the bus doors groaned shut, her eyes widened. "You should go!"

He leaned against the steel seats and crossed his ankles. "Don't insult me, silver. I'm not leaving you here."

"I'm taking an auto to college," she said, looking down. As if she felt the need to explain herself, she continued. "I-I tried. I thought I could do it. It's always like this for a few days but I thought this time it will be different because—"

"I'm there?"

She nodded meekly. "I'm sorry. I need time. Until then, I'll take an auto to and fro. You don't have to come with me."

Vijay faced her, frustration tensing his jawline as he heard her apologize. He stepped closer to her. "Listen, silver. If you apologise again for something you don't need to be sorry for, I'm going to be very mad at you. No, it's going to make me more disappointed than mad actually." Nila opened her mouth but Vijay cut her off. "And I'm going to come with you everyday, drop you in your college and back home. Okay?"

"Vijay—"

"I won't do it if I don't want to do it. I want to, silver. Let me."

She sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Fine. You won't listen to me anyway."

Vijay hid a smile.

She flashed her phone to him and pointed to the yellow auto coming towards them. "That's our ride."

Silence occupied the auto, too big to be defeated by small talk. Both of them were thinking about the previous night, the texts they had sent to each other. Vijay was wondering how to start the conversation. By auto, it will barely take ten minutes to get to Nila's college. He had less time with her. Too less time.

"Nila..." he began. "About yesterday..."

"I know. It's fine. Let's move on, okay?" She said, smiling brightly at him. It didn't quite reach her eyes like she wanted it to.

"No, Nila. I have to—"

"I get it, Vijay. I know what you're going to say."

"Why won't you let me talk?" he asked, a little sharp with his tone. "Why won't you let me apologise? Why won't you give me a chance to beg for your forgiveness?"

Nila looked taken back. "I-I only said that because you don't like difficult conversations."

"Who told you that?"

She glanced at her lap. "Farah. She told me you talk through your actions instead. You offered to drop me back and forth every day and I thought it was your way of apologising. I forgave you when I agreed to it."

Vijay ran his hands through his hair. She shouldn't be this nice. No one should be this thoughtful, this compassionate and giving. She was driving him fucking crazy. He grabbed her hands that rested in her lap. "Look, silver. Forget whatever you heard about me. It may be true when it comes to them but not with you. Because with you, I am a new person, someone I don't recognise. I just know I like him. And the person you make me want to be. And that person wants to take accountability for what he did, no matter how much he hates difficult conversations. That person wants to do better."

"Why?" she asked.

"You know why, silver," he said, pushing her hair back and tucking it behind her ear, letting his knuckles linger for a moment more than necessary against her warm skin.

A beautiful shade of pink coloured her cheeks. He pulled his hands away from her face and held her hand. "I fucked up last night. Majorly. Even though it wasn't intentional, I still hurt you. If that creep had physically violated you, then I had done it to you emotionally. I was inconsiderate and irresponsible. I was a fool, Nila. I'm so fucking sorry. I am sorry I am such an idiot. I am sorry I acted like a jerk. I just want you to know I mean it. I mean every word strongly. I can't bear to see you hurt and to think I hurt you nearly kills me. I am so sorry, Nila. You don't have to forgive me immediately. You can be mad, you can take your time. I'll understand."

She shook her head, her wobbling lips getting held like a clasp by her teeth. "I told you. I don't want any space from you. I forgive you. I am not mad at you. I don't think I can be mad at you."

"Are you sure, silver? You don't have to say it to ease my mind."

She chuckled but it came out choked. She met his eyes. "I think for some reason I've become too attached to you, Vijay. Only now do I realise how dangerous it is."

"What do you mean?" he asked. He hoped it was what he thought it meant.

"You know what I mean, Vijay."

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Nila wondered if she had said too much. She was vulnerable, baring her heart open to him more than how much she liked. Nila didn't easily show her emotions but when it came to him, she felt like a see-through window. She tried so hard to keep the glass fogged and conceal her true feelings but Vijay was like gentle rain, clearing it up instantly.

"I have something else to tell you," he said, pulling her back from her thoughts. "I have an inter-college meet tomorrow. I'm representing my college. I won't be able to come with you."

"Oh. Where is it?"

He told her the location, somewhere she didn't know existed in Chennai. She was silent for a few minutes, wondering how far it was from where she lived. As if reading her thoughts, he said, "It's very far, on the other side of Chennai. Otherwise I would have asked you if you'd want to come."

"But what if I still want to?"

Vijay smiled. Oh, how she missed it. She wanted to brush the dimples on his cheek, maybe bring her lips close and kiss them. "I wouldn't be there with you. Krish and Farah don't have permission from college to join. They'd have to risk their attendance to come watch and since Farah's wedding is coming up, we don't want to take unnecessary leave in case we'll need to bunk classes around that time. I don't want you to be alone."

She bit her lip. It would be awkward being alone there especially since she has never been to a sports event before. "I want to watch you win," she said quietly.

Vijay grinned and leaned back, his hands behind his head. "How are you sure that I'll win?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Because it's you. There's no other answer."

Vijay pushed forward, his body tilted towards hers as if he wanted to fold her into his arms and take her away. His eyes flitted to the driver who was looking at them suspiciously through the mirror and his shoulders hit the back of the seat with a thump as if it took great strength to pull back from her.

Nila was disappointed. She hoped he would touch her. In some way. His hand on her arm, his arm over her shoulder, his shoulders pressing against hers, his fingers pressing against her ear as he tucked her hair away. Something to feel the heat of his body on hers, something to feel close to him.

"I'll be running a marathon during the summer. I want you there," he said, meeting her eyes. He wasn't inviting her or checking if she'd like to come. It was a demand.

"Yes, sir," she said, breaking into a teasing grin. "Your wish is my command."

Vijay's cheeks coloured. It was adorable.

Her college campus came into view. Nila and Vijay bickered as to who would pay and Nila emerged victorious with a condition that if he was to accompany everyday, she would be the one to pay for the auto. He begrudgingly agreed.

They stood just next to the college gate where street vendors set their stalls, taking advantage of the college crowd pouring in. "How are you going to college?"

"Krish will pick me up."

"Then I'll wait till he does," she said. After a small pause, she asked, "Um, does Krish know about yesterday?"

"No. I won't tell him if you don't want me to."

"But what if he asks why you don't come by bus anymore?" Nila didn't want Krish to know about it. It was only because she was a little embarrassed that she needed saving and didn't want Krish to think of her as weak. But she knew questions would pop up.

He shrugged. "I'll just let him think it's because I'm obsessed with you."

Vijay said the words casually as if it wasn't a big deal at all. Are you? Are you obsessed with me? she wanted to ask him. The questions died on the tip of her tongue, too cowardly to get out. There were hints everywhere — in the way Vijay treated her, the way he spoke to her, the way he touched her, the way he watched her. But none of them were declarations. None of them were strong concrete proofs of what she was suspecting. She was scared she was mislabeling his personality as clues of his love for her and spinning them into a narrative she dreamed of. It would crush into her a million pieces if it turned out to be the case.

Vijay's hand was suddenly on her face, tugging her lips out of her teeth. "Stop biting your lips. You've been doing it a lot today."

She swatted his hand away from her face and belatedly cursed at herself for doing that when she was aching for his touch.

Something changed overnight. After being tugged apart into tears because of him, she should rightfully be mad at him. But she couldn't afford to. Nila wanted him to be the one to stitch her back up and hold her in his arms. She wanted to lean onto him — the first person she's ever allowed herself to take support from. It was scary how after she'd done it once, she wanted to do it again and again and again. Like a needy little girl.

What was happening to her?

"Nila, what are you thinking?" Vijay asked, stepping into her line of vision.

Can I hug you?

Can I hug you?

Can I hug you?

Fuck it. She was going to hug him. Just one quick hug, before anyone could see. She wanted to feel his warmth wrap around her.

She stepped closer into his space, her head only inches from hitting his chest. Just when she lifted her arms to secure it around him tight, she heard someone call her name.

"Nila! How come you're earlier than usual?" Maya said. The instant the familiar voice hit her ears, she stepped back quickly and turned around, facing the side her friend was at. Trailing behind her was Lilly, who was already regarding the two of them suspiciously. Nila put some more distance between her and Vijay. "Who's this?" they asked.

"Um, this is Vijay. He's a friend. He, um, offered to drop me off at college," Nila said, not meeting Vijay's eyes. She could have hugged him! Dammit. Now he must know she wanted to hug him and didn't get to do it. It was embarrassing. Either she had to have done it or didn't do it at all. She hated in-betweens, lingering in the air and building unnecessary tension.

"You never told me you had a friend named Vijay."

Wait till Maya knew that Vijay was the frustrating bus guy she predicted Nila would share a romance with. She would lose her goddamn mind.

Just then, Krish came into view with his bike. Vijay signalled to him with a wave and he slowed down next to them. Maya's eyes widened. "Who is that?"

"Um, that's Krish. He is Vijay's friend."

"And Nila's," Krish said, removing his helmet. Lilly and Maya were staring at Krish and it was justified considering how much of an eye candy he was. She chose this moment to inch closer to Vijay.

"Um, boys, this is Maya and Lilly. My friends," she said, glancing at Vijay. He gave them a smile, probably recognising them from the times she had mentioned them in her texts.

"Nice to meet you. We would love to stay and talk but we're already late," Vijay said and both her friends nodded understandingly. "Bye."

After getting on the bike, Vijay looked at her. Text me, he mouthed. She nodded and waved.

"Bye, Nila!" Krish said before revving the engine and driving away.

"You never told us that you had such handsome friends!" Maya squealed into her ears as soon as they were gone. They walked inside the college.

"They're alright," she said.

"Are they single? Can you set me up with them?" Maya asked. "Krish is fucking handsome but Vijay is hot. Hot is what I need. Can---"

"No." Nila almost said more but she caught herself in time before she'd say something rude. Maya didn't deserve it.

"What? Why? I'll never embarrass you, Nila, if that's what you're afraid of. It's so rare that I find a guy who even qualifies to meet the expectations I have and Vijay is just—"

'"Maya, are you dumb or are you blind?" Lilly interrupted.

"What?"

"Didn't you see the way Vijay was looking at Nila? He never looked at us for more than a second. The whole time he was watching Nila. There is something going on between them," Lilly explained and looked at Nila for confirmation.

Nila sighed and ran a hand over her face before turning to Maya. "I can set you up with Krish but not Vijay. Never Vijay. He's off limits."

"Oh my god! You like him." Maya stopped walking, her palms on her mouth and her eyes wide. "You like him. You like Vijay. Why didn't you tell us anything?"

"It's a long story."

"If it's romance, consider me seated with popcorn in hand," Maya said.

Lilly agreed. "I'm very curious but also mad that you didn't tell us. If it's because I was going through a tough time in my love life, then I'll still be mad. It isn't an excuse to hide such a thing from us."

Nila felt guilty. She'd wanted to tell them about Vijay so many times but she had been unsure what was happening between them. It didn't feel necessary to tell them about something that wasn't concrete. Even now, she wasn't sure of things between Vijay and her. She couldn't put a name to their relationship. But she had kept it from them for way too long. It was time to come clean.

"Wanna bunk first hour?" she asked, grinning. She also wanted to put off dealing with Sanjay for a while.

Maya grinned. "Without question."

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