27: baggage

The feeling when the bus entered the school campus after a fun school trip --- that was how Vijay felt for a week since Farah's wedding. Life that had once looked bright and colourful seemed to have faded a shade or two now that he'd seen how vibrant it could be. Did Nila have so much power in his life? Was that healthy?

"You're distracted. You've been this way since your week off," Coach grunted, folding his arms over his chest and looking down at him. Vijay caught his knees and panted. "What's up, boy? Family issues again?"

"No, everything's alright," he said, straightening and wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"Whatever it is, figure it out. If you carry your emotional baggage here, you can't fly. And to fly should be your goal when you step into this field."

"Yes, coach. Sorry, coach," he said.

Coach slapped his head gently and told him to stretch before leaving. Since he had absented himself for four days, Coach had gone pretty hard on him once he'd come back. Running track needed power and speed which affected time. While he had mastered these to an extent, stamina was where he lacked. Running long-distance track was where he fell short. To ace it, he needed to allot more time for his practice. He needed to get more serious.

Vijay poured water over his head and pushed his hair back, leaving the strands dripping. He plopped down on the ground and took his phone out. There was a message from Nila.

I'm free this evening. Wbu?

He typed his response without a second thought. We'll meet at Pondy Bazaar at 5? Or 4:30?

The message was delivered but the little checkmark didn't turn blue.

Nila had two months of summer break but like him, she had to do her summer internship for a month. Instead of taking a break after her exams and going home, she had chosen to finish her internship and then go home the latter month. But her internship wasn't flexible like her college. She complained that there was too much work every day and because she wasn't used to a full day shift, she was exhausted by the time she returned. Since Priya had gone home, the household chores were divided between Anamika and her, making the load burdening. Vijay had offered to swing by and help her with the chores but like he expected of her, she flat out refused. That's not why I have a boyfriend, she said. Your job is to take care of me. Not my house.

Isn't it like the same thing? Helping you with your work also helps you, right? he'd asked.

No. That's my issue. Let me deal with it, she'd said stubbornly.

Vijay didn't argue more. Sometimes, he didn't want to battle it with Nila's stubbornness. It was unyielding and impossible to go around. So, all Vijay could do was listen to her rant and complain about her life in vivid detail, comforting her and distracting her as much as he could. But during this time, all he would think about was how easy it would be to comfort her if he was close to her. The distance and Nila's busy schedule made their relationship feel like a long-distance relationship. He had been so used to seeing her every day that now he found it hard to cope with.

And whenever he thought about the next month when she would go back home, he felt like the time in 3rd grade when his parents left him at a relative's house for a week to attend a wedding in Hyderabad. He never discussed it with Nila, of course, afraid he might freak her out with how attached he had become with her. The whole thing was beginning to scare Vijay himself. What if Nila thought he was being too clingy? What if she wanted to space but was too polite to ask in fear of hurting my feelings? Was he the only one feeling this way? Is their relationship healthy?

Question on top of question stacked in his mind. It was making him go crazy.

As he carried his bag and walked out of the ground compounds, Vijay received a message.

I'll be there at 4:30. Wanna see you so bad.

Me too, he sent and took a deep breath.

Maybe he was overthinking it.

Maybe.

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Vijay's mother's birthday was the day after tomorrow. It had completely slipped Vijay's mind until his father told him he was getting her the facial hair remover she'd heard about from her sister's daughter. His mother had apparently been wanting to get it for a long time. Vijay had panicked and called Nila for help. And of course, Nila agreed to go shopping with him.

It wasn't the first time they went shopping but it was the first time they were alone. It felt intimate and domestic — the idea of contemplating on what to buy and what to not together.

"Hi, were you waiting for long?" Vijay asked, jogging to a halt in front of her. His hair flopped over his forehead and the other strands were all over the place.

She stifled a laugh and reached out to pat his hair down. If he knew how messy it had been, he would have a fit. "What happened? Is it messy?"

"No, no, it's perfect. It was just one strand," she lied, flattening his hair. He didn't look convinced and joined her in taming his hair down. "It's fine. Leave it."

He whipped out his phone and checked it. After a minute more of fussing over his hair, he pocketed the phone and looked at her. She smiled at him. "No hug?"

Winding his hand around her waist, he crushed her to him. She wrapped her arm around him and ran her palms over his back. She could smell his deodorant and his soap, reminding her of the time when they'd fallen asleep together on the couch after a shower. "I missed your stupid face," she said.

"Just my face?" he asked, pulling away. The dimples on his cheek appeared and Nila felt like this was the first time she was talking to him. The butterflies were in chaos.

"Yeah, just that," she said, turning around and beginning to walk. Before he could argue back and spiral their conversation into their usual flirty banters, she focused on the task at hand. "So, do you have anything in mind for the gift?"

"I don't want to get her a saree. She always gets it for her birthday. Something else?"

"Your mother wears salwar?"

"Yeah."

"What else does she like?"

Vijay started listing out all the things he knew about his mother and each item would warrant a funny or adorable back story. Nila watched him as he talked about his mother and her chest felt warm. His eyes twinkled and his gaze softened with affection as he recalled moments with her. They went into a lot of stores and Nila learned how much shopping exhausted Vijay. He kept getting distracted, pulling them to little street stalls, advertising some dish of theirs that was 'literally the best' he's ever had.

Meanwhile, Nila had always been a planful shopper. She knew what she had to get and she was relentless until she bought it. So channelling Vijay's attention back to the task was her hardest task. She had to keep promising him something enticing (like this weekend together, a trip to the beach before she left home and a lot of kisses) to keep him going.

After checking out a lot of stores, Vijay ended up purchasing a nice kurta in her mother's favourite colour pink and a leather handbag. He'd saved enough money so he wanted to go that one step ahead and beat his father by getting her two gifts.

"You just can't lose to anyone in any way, can you?"

He grinned and took her hand. "Except to one person."

Nila blushed.

"Fuck, I love it when you blush," he muttered under his breath, not intending for her to hear it but she did.

"What did you say?" she asked, just to humour him.

"Nothing."

Her lips curved into a smile.

After helping themselves to tender coconut water, they bought a plate of momos and found a place to sit down. "How is Farah?"

"On her honeymoon," he said.

"Ah, Italy. I remember."

"She's been wanting to go there since forever. Good thing Aadil is also a travel enthusiast."

Nila couldn't help but feel that Vijay was not his usual self. He often seemed to zone out, his thoughts on something else. She tried asking him and giving him space to strike a conversation but he never opened up.  This made Nila nervous. Their relationship felt new, as if they were still trying to learn the ropes to go about it. And it might be due to Nila being relatively unavailable thanks to her internship.

But if the smallest distance and barrier put things off between them, what about when she went home for a month? It would be even worse because she wouldn't be able to call him as much as she could now. Her parents would always be around and she couldn't afford to be careless.

Was their relationship that shallow? Would it crumble if they didn't see each other for a long time?

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

She shook her head and pursed her lips. "Nothing."

"You won't tell me."

"I could say the same about you, Vijay," she said, stuffing the last momo in her mouth.

Vijay sighed deeply. His shoulders rose and fell. "I just have a lot of things on my mind, silver. Coach said I'm not doing well. I feel like I'm too attached to you and not being next to you makes me restless. It's scaring me. I don't think I'm ready for the time you go home."

Nila squeezed Vijay's shoulder. "I know the feeling. I'm scared too. But I really want to make it work between us, Vijay. Can you think of the distance as your rival? Then you would find some way to show that it doesn't stand a chance of ruining us, wouldn't you?"

He smiled and lifted his head. "I feel like you know me way too much, silver," he said.

"You're my boyfriend," she said, shrugging.

Surprising her, he pressed a quick kiss on her cheek. She shoved him away. "Vijay, you idiot! We're in public. What if someone saw?"

"I don't care," he said, discarding the empty paper plate and stretching out a hand towards her. "Let's go."

They had to cross the road to get on the other side to take the bus.

A lorry was coming their way but it was coming at a speed that would allow them to cross the street. Nila tugged Vijay forward but he must have been indecisive about crossing the street then so he moved a few seconds later. The next time Nila looked at the lorry, it was dangerously close.

Fuck.

Nila made a split decision to make a run for it and dragged Vijay forward. The lorry's horn shrieked in her ears but they made it on the other side of the street. For a second, Nila thought she would die there. Thank God they'd made it. The adrenaline in her body subdued, her heart slowing down into its usual speed. She turned towards Vijay to check if he was okay.

He was not.

He was shaking, clutching a hand on his stomach as if he wanted to puke.

"Hey, hey." Nila caught his arm and his body was like ice. "Vijay, can you hear me? Focus on my voice."

His chest was rising and falling fast and he staggered against her grip. "I—" he began but he was breathing hard.

He was having a panic attack.

She knew how to help someone having a panic attack but watching it happen to Vijay was setting off a bout of fear inside her. Her mind was going blank.

No, no, she had to calm down. She had to be strong.

She took a deep breath and helped Vijay to sit on the seat on the pavement. "Hey, hey, Vijay, you're okay. You're with me. You're safe," she said, crouching in front of him. She took his palm and closed his fingers to make a fist. "Can you tighten your fist for me?"

Vijay wasn't looking at her but she could tell he was focusing on her voice. Sweat lined his forehead and his neck. "Can you tighten your fist for me?" she repeated.

He did. Nila helped him tighten it more. "Now can you release it slowly?" He opened his fingers and let the tension go slowly. "Can you repeat the same once more?"

Something like a choked sob left his lips. He was still trembling. His body was ice cold. Nila stood up. "Can I hug you?"

He nodded, shoulders hunched and clutching his stomach. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, making sure to breathe loudly. "It's okay. Whatever you're thinking, it's just thoughts. It's not real. You're safe. You can get through this," Nila whispered into his ears, patting his back slowly. She was aware of eyes watching them on the street but she couldn't care less about it.

Slowly, the stiffness in Vijay's body reduced and his breath synced with hers. She didn't remove her arms from around him.

And he didn't let go.

When his head lowered onto her shoulder and she could feel something wet on her t-shirt, she pulled away and wiped his tears. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I thought I was going to die," he said, his voice scratchy and pained. "I thought I was going to lose you too."

"You're safe, Vijay. I am safe too," she said, swiping her thumb on his cheekbone. But his admission stirred up questions inside her. I thought I was going to lose you 'too'? She'd assumed his panic attack had something to do with his accident but she wasn't sure now. Did he lose someone before? "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head.

"Do you want to sit here for some more time?"

Vijay looked at the people staring at them and shook his head. "I want to go home."

"Okay, let's go."

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