31: stubborn

Nila had been on her way to her internship when she got a call from her mentor informing that she didn't need to come in today. Partly dejected that she had to compensate this day another time and partly relieved that she had a whole day off, she went back to her flat. As soon as she was inside, she expected to feel at ease but her nose scrunched at the messy state the house was in. Ugh. She hadn't noticed what her house had been turning into because both Anamika and her were running everyday like they were on a never-ending loop. Only now that she had time to pause and look around did she realise how much of a dump the house had become.

Sighing and throwing her hair in a bun, she sat down and made a list of things she needed to get done. And slowly, she began checking it off one by one. By the time she was done and removed her earphones, it was more than two hours. She still had to whip up something for lunch and take the clothes out of the washing machine when the cycle ended. Her body ached but when she dragged herself into the shower, she was consumed by the satisfying feeling of getting a lot of work done.

Work is good. Work is distraction.

Her mind went back to the moral war in her head but she shoved it away.

Not today. She'll deal with it tomorrow.

Wiping herself down and walking out with a towel on her head, she picked up her phone. There were 3 missed calls from Vijay.

She frowned and called him back.

"Where are you?" he asked as soon as she answered. His voice was tense and rough. Nila knew something was wrong.

"Home. Why?"

"I'm coming there. I need to see you," he said.

"But---"

Vijay hung up.

A bad feeling churned inside her stomach. In all these months with Vijay, this was the first time he had ever hung up on her. He had teased her, exchanged friendly insults but he was never one to be rude. Even if there was something he wasn't okay with, he told her calmly. That was something she'd grown to love about him because she knew Vijay primarily let his emotions drive him and that with her, he was making a conscious effort to give his actions some thought before acting out.

Nila was scared.

She wondered if... he knew.

Was that why he was rushing to meet her? To yell at her? Tell her his brother died because of her parents and that there was no way he'd be able to live with her in the future?

Nila sat down on the sofa. What if this is the end of her relationship with him? But maybe this was the right thing to do. It was better to break it off now rather than suffer later when her parents blackmailed her. She wasn't sure she had the strength to stand against her parents, no matter how wrong they were. Her world revolved around being a good girl and that was what she had always strived to be. She was nobody without the title and if she defied her parents, she would be a good girl no longer. All these years of sucking it up and working towards perfection would be in vain.

Maybe she was overthinking it. Vijay didn't say anything other than that he wanted to see her. Maybe that was all he wanted to. Maybe she could let this blissful ignorance last for a few days longer.

She had to make lunch but suddenly her appetite had disappeared. Nila grabbed a bottle of Yakult from the refrigerator and sipped on it, the ticking seconds threatening her sanity.

She texted Vijay that the security man might be there downstairs but he texted her back that he'd take care of it. She told him the flat number and tried to start a normal conversation to gauge his mood but he didn't reply. The bad feeling in her stomach grew stronger and stronger, tempting to flush her breakfast out.

When the doorbell rang, she realised it was the first time Vijay was stepping into her apartment. Thank God she had just cleaned. Nila hurriedly opened the door and Vijay stood there in black t-shirt and beige cargo pants. His hair was messy, beads of sweat trickling down into the back of his t-shirt. The hem of the neckline was drenched. "Did you come by bus?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied. No smile.

"Come in."

She brought him a glass for cold water and quietly sat down next to him on the sofa. "Where's Anamika?" he asked.

"Internship. She'll only come in the evening."

The air between them was tense and suffocating. It reeked of the unsaid, rotting inside both of our chests and acting as slow poison. "Um, Vijay?" she called. "What---"

"I know."

The two words stole the air from her lungs. She had known it was a big possibility but she was also hoping against hope that it wouldn't be. She had trusted Vijay's father. How could he? Nila felt betrayed.

"Appa didn't tell me. It came through Amma."

"Oh."

Vijay kept the empty glass on the table and turned to her side. He was finally facing her, looking her in the eye. And his eyes--- they were in anguish. Nila's heart broke. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Nila glanced down. "I couldn't bring myself to. When I-I first recognised Nishanth's picture, I was consumed by shock. But you had just had a panic attack. And I didn't think it would be best---"

"Who are you to decide what's best for me, Nila?"

She flinched. Not at his harsh tone but because of the use of her name. Her lips wobbled. "I-I know. I just thought I could tell you on a better day. This isn't exactly good news. I didn't know how you'll take it."

"It's been six days since then. Weren't one of them a better day?"

"Vijay---"

"You're just giving me excuses. Tell me the truth. Were you ever gonna tell me? Did you plan to keep me in the dark?"

Nila's eyes flashed. "No! Of course not. I was always going to tell you. I was just scared."

"But you told my father? And not me? I'm your fucking boyfriend, Nila! Have you forgotten? Don't you think I deserve to know?"

Tears rolled down her cheeks. "You deserve to know. I don't know what else to say, Vijay. I really wasn't going to hide it from you. I was just scared. That's the truth." She wiped her eyes with her shoulder.

"Scared of what?"

"Scared that you'll hate me."

Vijay ran a hand through his hair. "I fucking can't understand how what happened with Nishanth and your sister has anything to do with us. Why are you all set on something so irrelevant? Amma is suddenly asking me to break up with you and forget about you, saying you are not good for me. You are scared that I'm going to hate you out of no fucking where," he said, letting loose a mocking laugh.

"Just what do you both think of me? I didn't say I love you because I was lonely and miserable. Those three words I keep repeating to you isn't for namesake. I meant every damn word. I love you with everything in me which basically means we're it. We're forever. I won't let anything take you away from me. Not my parents, not your parents, not even if the gods came and begged me themselves. How easily both of you ridicule my feelings, especially when you are supposed to be the ones who understand me the best."

His anger took shape of mockery and disappointment. Somehow, it was even worse. But Nila's mind seemed to be stuck on what his mother had told Vijay.

The woman who'd opened her heart to her, pleading she help his son out, the one who smiled at her like her own mother and packed her a jar of pickle because she was concerned she wasn't eating well ---- the same woman didn't want her near his son anymore. Nila bit her lips, trapping the sobs climbing their way up her throat. Vijay's mother thought it was best that they didn't date anymore.

Nila wished Vijay's mother was not understanding like her own mother. It wouldn't have hurt much. But what was ripping her heart to shreds was that Nila understood where Vijay's mother was coming from. She understood why she wasn't good for Vijay. No mother would even risk even a minor chance of losing another son. They were protective beings. Her words came from a place of love and care.

Nila understood that but Vijay didn't.

She needed to make him understand.

"Vijay, your mother is right," she said, wiping her tears and steeling her voice. She had to do this. There was no other way. If she loved Vijay, she had to do this.

She had to let him go.

"I'm not good for you."

"Are you out of your mind?"

"You're the one who is out of your mind. Every one of my friends know about what happened to my sister. She is braver than me but even she couldn't stand against our parents. I saw her resist, I saw her starve and I saw her cry herself to sleep every day but I also saw how she looked like someone had forced her to sell her soul when my mother promised to drink rat poison and kill herself if Kayal didn't break up with Nishanth. My parents think love marriages are the highest crimes, a permanent stain on their prestige and honour that they'd told countless lives to build and preserve. This was why I swore to never fall in love. I didn't want my sister's fate, even though she is happy now. I didn't want to go through that hell."

Nila sniffled. "But I let myself fall for you, Vijay. I deluded myself into thinking we could happen. That somehow, some miracle will change my parents' mind and we'll get a happy ending. I was greedy. You were the first thing I wanted for myself and I thought I could have you. I told myself that I'll go with the flow even though deep down I knew there was no future for us. Maybe that's why I never told you about my sister. Afraid you would see sense and not play along with my delusion." She hid her face from him. "I'm sorry. God, I'm so fucking sorry for leading you on, loving you and bringing us to this point just to be hurt. Now I realise we weren't supposed to happen at all."

Vijay grabbed her face by the chin. "What the fuck are you saying?"

She looked away from him. "What I'm saying is... let's break up."

"Take it back."

"No."

"Take it back, Nila." His voice grew angrier.

She looked him in the eye this time. "No."

Something cracked in Vijay's composure. His grip loosened and then tightened again. He took her hand. "Take it back, silver," he pleaded, his head hanging, his hair falling on his forehead. "Please."

Nila couldn't stand it. She pushed him away, stood up and walked to the kitchen, her palm on her mouth to muffle her sobs. She rested her palms on the two sides of the sink and let her tears fall. Her body trembled.

Vijay followed her. His hand clasped around her wrist and spun her around, backing her into the sink. Nila wiped her tears but she didn't meet his eyes.

"If you have the fucking courage to let me go because you love me so much, I think you have more than enough courage to look me in the eye right now," he said. "Look at me, silver."

Nila met his gaze. She couldn't for long --- the guilt of hurting him was swallowing her. But better now than later. She was doing the right thing.

"I refuse to break up. Unlike you, I'm not a selfless person. I don't care about others. I want you. I'll have you and I'll keep you. Understand?" he said.

"Vijay, you can't---"

"I can. Watch me."

"You're just making things worse. I don't want to talk to you anymore," Nila said, pushing him away. "Let's end this." Vijay caught her hand and kept it locked on his chest, right above his heart. She pulled her hand away but he didn't let go.

"My brother couldn't have his happy ending. That doesn't mean I won't too. He was a weak bastard. I'm not. You know me. I'm fucking stubborn. I won't give up without a fight."

"Vijay, this is easy to say. In reality, it won't ---"

"I don't care. Unless you look me in the eye, be honest and tell me you don't love me, I won't let you go."

Nila opened her mouth but the words caught in her throat.

She couldn't. She could never tell such a lie.

"I still don't want to talk to you anymore," she tried instead.

"Okay. That doesn't mean I'll stop."

Nila moved to leave the circle of his arms but he stepped closer. He held her arms. "I'm an athlete, silver. Do you know how many times I've fallen? How many times I've scraped my knees so bad? How many times I've broken bones? I still get up and run. You ignore me, you fight me, you avoid me and you hurt me all you want. I'll keep running." He gently tucked a strand of her damp hair behind her ear. "I'll keep running towards you. That's a promise."

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a/n: i've planned around 35-38 chapters for TTP so only a few more chapters to go! how are we feeling about it?

also, since i am not receiving any acknowledgment for the updates i post on wattpad, i'm a little skeptical about if everyone is being notified about it. if you haven't followed me on instagram, please do so because most often any updates/ announcements / sneak peeks will be coming through that platform. i'm @caramelstreet_ on instagram! have a nice day 🌸